past haunting me

[pinksunglasses]

I've posted on here before about my ex and what has happened, I was considering getting back with him at that time, but didn't, and I'm very glad for that. The advice I got on here was so much help. I thank everyone who talked with me about it.

Pretty much what happened though was I moved in with my bf, after a few months of living with him he abused me. I tried to make it work for another nine months but finally decided to leave him. I'm in another state now and have been coping and trying to get over him for a year now. The wanting to get back with him, I think, was part of the process. It was natural, but deep down I knew that I couldn't do that to myself. But NOW, I don't know. I felt like I've gone through such a big process with moving on. When I first moved here I was so reckless, I wanted to do anything and everything that seemed dangerous or bad for me. Then I started to feel really really sad about it, and missed him so much. I have gotten to the point now where I don't miss him. I see him from a distance, and the relationship we had from a distance, and I can see it for what it really was. I don't ever want that with him again. I actually can't believe I was ever with him. Anyhow, as far as where I am now, I think I'm really angry because of the abuse. It's just been infuriating me lately thinking about it. I wonder how different I would be now if that never happened to me. I feel like I would be so much happier. It pisses me of so badly that he can't see it from my point of view, and that he will never understand it, no matter how "sorry" he is. I know he's only sorry for losing me, not because of how much it hurt me. There's this quote that I found, and it describes much of how I feel "An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult". I have so much anger in me right now.

What I think really is sad though, and what hurts me so much, is I can't get close to anyone. I have new friends, and I've just started dating this guy that I like a lot, but I have so many walls up. I've dated a bit, and tried to be in a relationship since moving, but I wasn't ready then and quickly lost feelings for the guys. I just keep thinking to myself that it's been a whole year since leaving him, and almost 2 years since he hit me, why can't I get close to anyone? I feel like I've lost that trust, not that I'm thinking these new people in my life are going to hit me. But I'm scared of getting attached to someone else because they may leave me, or hurt me in some way, leaving me to cope with even more things. I just don't want any more hurt in my life right now. But I'm so lonely. I know I don't need a bf, and I'm not lonely in that way. I have no real bonds with anyone, and I keep myself, and them, from getting close to me. Is this normal? How can I make myself trust again and be comfortable with people again?

[BB07]

Hi Hon.........be patient with yourself and realize that it takes a long time to heal. I'm so proud of you for being strong and not going back to the b/f. You should be proud of yourself very much.

 

Just give it time, things will get better, you are doing fine.

[scienceguy]

I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. It's a really terrible experience to come from an abusive relationship. I would say that one of the best things you can do is to go see a therapist who specializes in treating victims of abuse. One of the biggest challenges for an abused person is to regain trust and confidence in her (or his) own judgment. I think that there will be certain emotional scars that only you and your therapist can work on. However, the other part--the "intellectual" part--is something I'd like to try to help you with. There's a guy named Lundy Bancroft you might want to check out. He worked in Boston at a placed called Emerge, which is the first counseling program for abusers (ie. the perpetrators). He wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That?" He culls together all of his experiences into the book, and he explains the psychology of an abuser. He identifies abusive behaviors, where they come from, an abuser's mentality, various forms of abuse, how to spot it, etc. I think reading it will give you the tools to spot abusive behaviors. Having that knowledge, I believe, will be one step to helping you open up again and trust others. You'll have the tools to recognize what's right and wrong, and that's incredibly powerful.