The eternal question

[Lucy]

I know this question comes up a lot, by reading past posts and responses, but I'd just like to get a general overview of what you guys think, particularly the male responses.

 

Can guys and girls be "just friends"? I've heard - from some guys - that someone in the relationship (usually the guy) always wants more. My female best friend (who is in a relationship) agrees with this, and has told me that when I go out with one of the guys, just to hang out, they are thinking more. This is a bit unsettling, and I'd like to know what you think.

 

Also, is there any way to KNOW, other than coming out and asking? I'm not the "flirty" type, and I have found that I simply get along better with guys than I do with girls. Please help me out.

[Lilith]

Lucy,

 

Most gals (& guys) can relate to your questions. Truthfully, & this is from asking *many* guy friends (& dealing with a jealous ex that did not like me going out with my guy friends because he thought "All guys picture their female friends naked!"), truly, at some point your male friends will evaluate whether they are attracted to you or not. That is not to say that guys & gals just "cant be friends." I've had guy friends who've Ive had a mutual attraction to (& some I actually ended up dating), flirted with, etc, but most of us ever DID anything about our attractions cuz we knew it wouldnt work out. It didnt change our friendship in ANY manner whatsoever! In fact, sometimes excersizing those mutual attractions (but, making it clear its just for fun), can actually lead to a closer bond & the ability to swap sex & dating advice. ;-) (tho, I HAVE run into some people who just wouldnt accept such games at their face value & you gotta worry about being too confusing for them. So, it's a tough call)

 

You don't need to feel uncomfortable simply because you feel yer guy friends might be checking out you or something. *s* I've always thought it was a fact of life that guys & gals at one time or another evaluate their feelings for their platonic friends. Ater all, it's just on our nature to continue the species with whomever we feel would be the best match for us, right? So why would you really wnat to *know* when a thought (prurient or not) about you in a more than friendly manner comes across a guys mind? Unless, of course, you're thinking the same thing & you would like to do something about it. ;-)

 

I can relate about finding it easier to hang out with guys than girls...it is the same way with myself. But, if yer not flirty & such, no worries. If yer guy friend makes any advances on you, *then* you can make it clear to him that you're not interested. Otherwise, ya got the choice of going up to every one of yer guy friends & making a fool of yerself by telling them you don't want them thinking bad thoughts...or, just chill & have fun with them. ;-)

 

Take care!

I know this question comes up a lot, by reading past posts and responses, but I'd just like to get a general overview of what you guys think, particularly the male responses. Can guys and girls be "just friends"? I've heard - from some guys - that someone in the relationship (usually the guy) always wants more. My female best friend (who is in a relationship) agrees with this, and has told me that when I go out with one of the guys, just to hang out, they are thinking more. This is a bit unsettling, and I'd like to know what you think. Also, is there any way to KNOW, other than coming out and asking? I'm not the "flirty" type, and I have found that I simply get along better with guys than I do with girls. Please help me out.

[Tony T]

Yes, this question is asked a lot. And the answer is never easy. I really don't think there is a definite answer. No, there is not a definite answer.

 

Each and every case is different. This is a really hard one to answer in generalities because there are so many levels of male/female friendships.

 

Me, I love female friendships and perspectives. Sometimes, over time, feelings do evolve. Most guys tend to hold them in and are very reluctant to bring it up to the lady. So they just go around in pain while their lady friend tells them all about the loves in their life. This is really stupid but done often.

 

Platonic friendships between men and women are very possible and do exist in a healthy way. I do not think a male would consider a female a really close close friend unless the attraction was a bit more than platonic. A man can be friends with a female he works with, has shool classes with, sees around here and there, but if there is not a bit more to the attraction than just proximity, he will not pursue a closer friendship with her, as a rule.

 

Guys who are somewhat shy use the friendship tactic sometimes to get to a girl through the back door. They ease into the deal under the guise of friendship and then, whammo, spring the romance thing all of a sudden. In these cases, the men usually spring this on their female friend right after she has broken up with a guy and is available. He figures if he waits too long, she'll find someone else before he has a chance to put in his bid.

 

As you so aptly pointed out, women don't do this much. Also, women usually think of a guy in a certain way from the start and it's very difficult for a lady to think of a guy as anything more than a friend if that's the way it starts out. Of course, there are many exceptions but I think that's the rule.

 

There are guys who will be buddies with a very pretty girl because they have low self esteem and being seen with an attractive female, even if it's just friendship, gives them a boost. But if the girl should give him, by accident, even the slightest sign there could be more...we are talking trouble.

 

I think it's pretty easy, and actually a very natural thing, for a guy to fall in love with a lady he's been around as a friend for a while, got to know as a friend without all the usual dating crap, and grows to care about the real person. Frankly, this is the way it ought to be. But women just don't seem to pull it off the same way, as a rule. Women are far more honest with their feelings up front. But, as I said, it can change for a woman as well.

 

Then there are those friends with benefits deals...where it's not quite a romance but much more than friends. Sex is involved, going out and having fun is involved, but there is an underlying agreement that for certain reasons it will never go beyond that. From my perspective, why should it...sounds pretty good to me.

 

Male/female friendships can be the most fulfilling ones. It gives each friend a real honest perspective from the opposite sex without all the junkie stuff that's interwoven in romantic situations. There is no pretentiousness, no showing off, each is just himself...take it or leave it. But you have to admit, if two people fall in love under those conditions, it's the real thing.

 

The tragedy of male/female friendships, especially those made before either is married, is that ultimately one or the other, usually the female, moves on. The girl gets a steady guy, who may be jealous, who may not understand the friendship, and forbids it. If he goes along with the friendship thing, the girl eventually gets married and the friendship diminishes. Now, it is OVER when she has children. Ever tried to have a phone conversation with a lady who has a screaming child or two around. Small children don't like their mamas talking to guys on the phone who ain't their daddy.

 

Guys who allow their ladies to have a close guy friend usually have suspicions in the back of their heads...unless they too become good friends with the guy. It's extrmely hard for many females to introduce a close guy friend into their life with a new lover. It's awkward unless their new guy is especially open minded and understanding.

 

So basically, even the greatest male/female friendships can diminish in intensity over time as lives change. Of course, I guess that happens with anything.

 

So now, I hope you understand why at the beginning of all this I suggested that every case is unique in its own way. But as a female, you absolutely must watch out for signs that the guy may be getting too close, too interested...going beyond his boundaries. And I will also add that once a guy falls in love with a female who just wants to be friends, he can make life a living hell. The female doesn't want to tell him to go take a hike, but she also doesn't want to be around him knowing how he feels. I mean it gets to be a real mess.

 

Yeah, I guess many things in life can get to be a real mess sometimes.

[Taressa]

Yes. Guys and girls can be just friends.

 

It takes some self-control to keep it at a friendship level since so many entertainments these days involve a sexually-charged atmosphere. But, yes, it can be done.

 

As far as how to KNOW what a guy is feeling, I think it's best to ask. Realize you're taking a chance by asking - - a chance you may lose the friendship if his feelings aren't all you've hoped. Knowing the truth, however, is better than hoping for something that just isn't happening.

[Lilith]

Tony,

 

Wow, I just wanted to tell you that this was an incredibly indepth & interesting post. You've just illuminated a lot of facts for people, esp us gals. Thx!

Yeah, I guess many things in life can get to be a real mess sometimes.

[billy the kid]

hey Lucy; I work with just men, and I don't consider any of them really close friends. I do have 2 or 3 male friends away from work but my best and closest friends have been women. I would much rather take a walk, go swimming, a movie,dinner, oh well just about anything, with a woman rather than one of the guys, buttttt on some occasions I have wanted more and gotten it, and remained friends. some times I have wanted more and and kept it to my self cuz i cherished the friendship more. then there have been times when I told them I wanted more and blew the relationship out of the water.. but to answer your question, yes you can have male friends..

I know this question comes up a lot, by reading past posts and responses, but I'd just like to get a general overview of what you guys think, particularly the male responses. Can guys and girls be "just friends"? I've heard - from some guys - that someone in the relationship (usually the guy) always wants more. My female best friend (who is in a relationship) agrees with this, and has told me that when I go out with one of the guys, just to hang out, they are thinking more. This is a bit unsettling, and I'd like to know what you think. Also, is there any way to KNOW, other than coming out and asking? I'm not the "flirty" type, and I have found that I simply get along better with guys than I do with girls. Please help me out.