DayAfterDay Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 I had a post earlier in this forum for when my girlfriend of 3 years dumped me. It was a long post, but long story short she felt like there was only so much she could do to move us both forward together and that we needed time to focus on our own lives. After months of her being frustrated with my and not talking to me about it (which is where she is at least partially at fault) We grew stagnant in the relationship, mostly because of me and I own up to it and i'm absolutely learning from my mistakes and becoming a much better individual from it. Its MUCH more complicated than that (and always is) but thats the gist of it. After the break-up we were still talking a little, sometimes friendly, sometimes emotional and harsh and I finally did NC to save myself from anymore heartache, I asked her to stop contacting me, I deactivated facebook and fell of the grid for a while.... ONE MONTH LATER: She shows up at my house at 2:30 in the morning saying she needs to see me. She comes in and starts crying saying she's had a lot of time to herself and to think and that she misses me and misses a lot of things about us and it took me breaking off contact and her trying to date someone else that made her realize that she misses a lot of things about us, saying she'd maybe want to try again and take it slow. I agreed, and said that I missed her too and we held each other and kissed for the rest of the night until early morning. One day later she calls me and asks to talk about last night, she says that she still feels the same way, but she's super scared...scared that she'd hurt me again or that if we try again it'll just be drug out longer and just be more painful for both of us and was afraid that she maybe "jumped the gun". I got really upset and we got in another emotional exchange about it. She said that she knows she misses me and knows she loves me, but she's unsure if its just because of comfort and the "feelings" or if she ACTUALLY misses being WITH me. She asks, "How do you know?"...and I say, "What do you mean, how do i know? I just know." She says that she wants to try and she'll never forgive herself if she doesn't try because she admitted that she never really gave us a fighting chance, and said that just because she's not ready to just jump right back into dating doesn't mean that she doesn't "feel stuff". After this conversation that ended positively we both agreed to just let it be whatever its meant to be and keep talking. After another day I called her after I had thought about this, I can't be friends with her...if she's anything less than 100% sure that this may not be what she wants then I can't have anything to do with it right now, I know that where I'm at in my healing process I am not ready to do anything less than just date her again, and she is more going along the lines of wanting to start something casual with me just to see where it goes....I just feel like that'll make me feel like crap for some reason. I need to protect myself. So i broke it off again, told her to figure out what she wants, get her head on straight and really search herself and to come talk to me when she knows. So BOOM! We're back at NC again. And that's where I'm at. She's been in Greece for the last 3 weeks since that happened, she comes back tomorrow. I'm not anticipating anything...but i think I may have made the right decision? Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Greatly appriciated! Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 You did the right thing. Stay away from here. see if she comes back to you. dont beg or plead in anyway Link to post Share on other sites
BigProc Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 Me personally dont think you could have handled that any better, but im no expert . When she comes back dont contact her let her contact you. Again like you said before you have got to make sure she is 100% before you even think about a re union. Be strong or it will all come crashing down on you, keep up the good work. Link to post Share on other sites
cookie2 Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 I think you did totally the right thing. I hope I have the strength to do what you did, when my ex comes back crawling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted July 31, 2010 Author Share Posted July 31, 2010 Thanks guys, I think it may have done the right thing too. But its definitely a roller coaster again. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have been so receptive when she came back the first time...but I broke it off again, probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make because she may not come back now. I very well could have slammed this door shut forever. I honestly hope that's not the case but I need to look out for myself first, y'know? Link to post Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 I think she didn't want you seeing anyone while she was in Greece. I think you were very smart to protect yourself. Why not think of some things she needs to do to show you that she wants the relationship to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted July 31, 2010 Author Share Posted July 31, 2010 I think she didn't want you seeing anyone while she was in Greece. Haha, right. "I don't want you, but nobody else can have you." Because THAT makes sense. I had actually known that she started to see someone, and when she came over and said all this, that was the first thing i asked her and she said that that was one of the things that made her realize and question her feelings about things. I actually HAVE somewhat been talking/hanging out/ seeing someone, but its nothing serious at all, and I told her that. Part of me thinks that she may have caught wind of that through our friends and maybe that had something to do with her random visit to my house...Hmm.... Link to post Share on other sites
jsa100100 Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 stay away. what a headache. Link to post Share on other sites
EthanH Posted August 2, 2010 Share Posted August 2, 2010 i'm in exactly the same situation! (she is currently cruising around the med...)... what happened when she got back from greece? Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Dayafterday, First off I do want to say that you are going through an emotional rollercoaster with this girl. The only thing I can say is leave her alone. Knowing that she comes back into town tomorrow dont get tempted to caal, text, or email. focus on yourself. because clearly she doeant know what she wants Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 Actually I think I was wrong... she's still in Greece for another week. So we'll see, I'm not anticipating anything though. Who knows though...I wasn't expecting the first visit at all..I wasn't even expecting to even speak to her, let alone see her, for MONTHS. And yes EYECANDY000, the roller coaster analogy is an understatement. Some days I feel good about it thinking that it will all work out for us again some day and we'll be happy again. But some days I feel as if it won't and we're just kind of beating a dead horse here. What I'm worried about is that she still feels like she loves me, but somehow because of all of this and her fluctuation of feelings that it'll just never be enough to get back to where we were again, and it'll just end twice as worse as it did the first time. I think we both agree that we shouldn't jump right back to where we were which was almost engaged and planning to move in together, but I would like to be with her again, but she seems unsure. I know we'd have to start somewhere...but...I don't know. I just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 Definitely listen to some of the LS members by NOT contacting her upon returning from Greece. One of the worst things you could do is seem like you did nothing with your life but wait for your ex to come back. If she doesn't call that night, the next or for weeks on end, STILL don't call. You'd have your answer to where she's at with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 Okay, So she's back from Greece and been back for a week...moved into a new apartment by herself, and I still haven't heard anything from her. I wasn't expecting anything because I know she's been super busy but i've talked to some of our friends that have talked to her and they just say that it basically just sounds like she's super confused about how she feels about me, like whether or not she views me as just a friend or not. One of my other friends said that she said that she's going to take this "moving out in her own space by herself experience" to really soul search herself and figure her life out...he also mentioned that he can say with confidence that she is 100% not seeing anyone else. Maybe i'll hear from her soon. But I really just can't stop feeling like **** about this. It the very fact that I'm so in love with her and she's so undecided about how she feels about me hurts me so much. She was so in love with me... I just don't know how this will play out and i'm scared, I feel like if we start a casual thing it'll just be tense and awkward at first? Or maybe it'll just be a cycle of getting hurt again because i'll constantly be wondering how she feels about me and she'll just be distant, but I'll never know unless i try?.... Given how the last 4 months have played out, I don't think that there will ever be a day in the near future where she'll just wake up and say "Holy crap, i need to be with him, and I'm 100% sure of it" I should stay in NC right? What should i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 You said it yourself, You're in love with her and she's undecided about you. How is that fair to you? In my opinion, you need to disatance yourself from her to protect yourself. This should include friends volunteering information about her. I don't know about you, but I want to be with a woman that knows 100% that there is no other place in the world she would rather be than by my side and me by her. We all deserve no less than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 Yeah, but love isn't always fair...right? I don't know what to do, i can't picture my life with anyone else... Link to post Share on other sites
Thorgs Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 Yeah, but love isn't always fair...right? I don't know what to do, i can't picture my life with anyone else... I know it's hard, but the longer you are in NC the more you will feel at ease with the situation. I'm on day 12 of NC, already went 2 weeks prior. She broke it, gave me lots of false hope, and it crushed my world. If you care at all about yourself, stay NC. If she really wants you she will fight for you and show up at your doorstep again begging to take her back. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 Thanks guys, I think it may have done the right thing too. But its definitely a roller coaster again. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have been so receptive when she came back the first time...but I broke it off again, probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make because she may not come back now. I very well could have slammed this door shut forever. I honestly hope that's not the case but I need to look out for myself first, y'know? you absolutely did the right thing for you and your future, sanity, self respect, and your life. cause if not then it becomes all kinds of bullsht that will hold you back. unless she is 100 percent committed and you know for sure, then put her in her place which ia out your life. God, it has taken me freaking years to figure this out. she don't get to bounce back into your life and set casual terms down. no! she in or she out. No grey. You are in a perfect place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 If she really wants you she will fight for you and show up at your doorstep again begging to take her back. I thought that may have been the case the first time she came back. She didn't beg, but she said she needed to tell me she missed me and only pictured me in her future. But a day later she was wishy-washy again about it and confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 you absolutely did the right thing for you and your future, sanity, self respect, and your life. cause if not then it becomes all kinds of bullsht that will hold you back. unless she is 100 percent committed and you know for sure, then put her in her place which ia out your life. God, it has taken me freaking years to figure this out. she don't get to bounce back into your life and set casual terms down. no! she in or she out. No grey. You are in a perfect place. No grey at all? But what if the only way of getting her back is starting something more casual? We'd have to START somewhere....we can't and shouldn't just pick back up where we left off which is almost engaged and talk of moving in together. So in order for her to get her back, she has to wake up one day and say oh my god i need to be with him and come running back to me? Link to post Share on other sites
collegeguy_24 Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 Your situation sounds similar to mine dude. I hope you don't mind but I will be paying close attention to this. And good luck dude, you sound like a good respectable guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Thorgs Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 I thought that may have been the case the first time she came back. She didn't beg, but she said she needed to tell me she missed me and only pictured me in her future. But a day later she was wishy-washy again about it and confused. Yeah, mine led me on and was real kinky one day. Then a few days later I tried it with her and just got the cold shoulder. That's what I gave up on her greedy shallow ass. Turns out she's ****ing a new guy who is a doctor. Not worth a piss in the bucket to me if she's going to treat me like **** when I was nothing but genuine to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 Your situation sounds similar to mine dude. I hope you don't mind but I will be paying close attention to this. And good luck dude, you sound like a good respectable guy. Not at all man, and thank you. Good luck to you too. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 I am just guessing and could have missed something but it sounds like her new guy did not work out and she got lonely and showed up at your place, then the next day remembered she was going to Greece and how much it would suck to have a boyfriend at home during that trip. So she gave you some nice words about being scared and wanting to protect to keep you on the hook for when she came back. NC for good. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 No grey at all? But what if the only way of getting her back is starting something more casual? We'd have to START somewhere....we can't and shouldn't just pick back up where we left off which is almost engaged and talk of moving in together. So in order for her to get her back, she has to wake up one day and say oh my god i need to be with him and come running back to me? Yeah, your right, it cant be what you was when it ended but there is got to be some kind of improvement towards moving in the same directions. If she is still doing the wishy washy thing then something is not right still and you need to be careful. For example, my ex was all nice to me. Calling and texting me. I was happy for that level. Then I ask to see him...he got cold. He kinda stop communication a little. I just took as a sign that he wants to talk to me but he dont really want to see me or he wants to see me when he gets the urge. Not good Link to post Share on other sites
Author DayAfterDay Posted August 17, 2010 Author Share Posted August 17, 2010 Yeah, your right, it cant be what you was when it ended but there is got to be some kind of improvement towards moving in the same directions. Right, but could this not be seen as an "improvement. I cut her off after the break-up and then a month later she came back and said she missed me, missed a lot of things about us, and only pictured me in her future and "feels stuff". Regardless of what she said to me about her being scared of hurting me again she did also say that she feels like she needs to try and won't forgive herself if she doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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