Lilith Posted July 18, 2000 Share Posted July 18, 2000 Dear forum, Okay, let's see if we can make this as short and sweet as possible. About a month ago I started dating a very close friend of mine. Around the time we started dating, I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year. My new b/f felt uncomfortable about being a factor in our breakup, but, honestly, as I told him, he was only the final deciding factor. My ex had too much jealousy, immense self-hatred, etc, & I just could not be an emotional crutch for him any longer. This month with my new b/f has been fun, but lately Ive been incredibly anxious. Ive been wrestling with feelings of guilt that I never told my ex about my attraction & developing relationship with my current b/f. Also, I feel my current relationsip seems to be going too fast & a bit out of my control. He is 3-4 years older than me, which, in my mind, can be daunting at times. Ive asked if he minds the age difference &, since I have never had any cause to question his honesty, I believe him when he says it doesn't. We have not slept together, but we have come rather close at times, which has shook us both. (since we have indentical ideas about where sex belongs in a relationship) I am also finding myself *missing* the comfort that I felt with my ex. I truly hate all this uncomfortable dating ritual confusion that goes along with starting a relationship. Truly, & I am not sure how to stop myself, I just keep feeling like I will bore him if I dont continually keep up conversation, exciting things to do, etc. But, Im finding this fake person coming up who'se just trying to impress him. (& possibly myself) I just dont know how to get rid of all this fear. Yes, we've been friends for years, so one might think we have gone *past* the awkward stage of getting to know each other; but it just feels as if there's more pressure because of that. Not to mention, we are having some rather anxious events happening in our lives right now. I am just starting a new school school & he will be finishing one this year. Im worried about getting everything situated, improving studying habits, making friends, tuition, maintaining some sort of friendship with my ex eventually; & he's worried about $$ for housing, his thesis, dealing with an ex of his, career/etc choices after school, an ill friend, etc. Lately, it just feels like the only thing we can talk about with one another is what worries us. Im not sure if that is good or bad. Basically, we have a lot in common, we've always know that, but Im wondering if these times of great pressure are going to destroy what might be a fun and rewarding relationship. I need to figure out how to be more comfortable in a romantic manner with him, how to continue to develop our similarities, etc...Im sorry this post is so confusing, but Im just incredibly mixed up myself. If you could provide me with any advice I would be immensely grateful! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 18, 2000 Share Posted July 18, 2000 Have you sat down, looked into his eyes, and told your new boyfriend everything you just told the entire planet via the World Wide Web. If not, I think you should. The two of you have got to communicate your feelings. Once he understands how you feel, I think a load will come off your shoulders. First, you got into a relationship way too soon after ending another one. I know there are a lot of people who just can't stand to be alone...maybe you are one of those. But the confusion you now feel is the price you pay for having someone come instantly into your life after a break-up. You have not had time to transition and heal from your previous ties. You need to go much easier on yourself. If I had all the things happening in my life that are going on in yours right now, I wouldn't be happy with any of it. Your relationship is the thing that will be affected the most during stressfull times because you really don't interact significantly with any of your other problems. Once you have a talk with your guy, map out a strategy so far less pressure will be on you. I think you may have the basis for a good, positive romance here. Unfortunately you've got all this other stuff going at the same time. In addition to this talk with your guy, I suggested you take a few days off just to relax and not even care about anything. Just go somewhere and chill. You'd be surprised how a few days of total peace and quiet, away from telephones, visitors, mail, television, etc. can give a great sense of renewal to us when we feel ourselves being pulled in so many directions. A lot of this is due to the way you handle stress. Because it really doesn't let up during the course of one's life, the best way to handle things is to find a better way of looking at troubling issues. As you grow older, things tend to become less significant. Try to develop a mental strategy of your own for decreasing the stress...which really exists ONLY in your mind. The universe is pretty indifferent about things. It won't be these times of great pressure that destroys what might be a fun and rewarding relationship, it will be YOU that does the job. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilith Posted July 18, 2000 Share Posted July 18, 2000 Tony, Thank you, youve made some great points (& slapped some sense into me as well. ;-) ) Im definitely taking your "drop everything" advice to heart. First, you got into a relationship way too soon after ending another one. I know there are a lot of people who just can't stand to be alone...maybe you are one of those. Actually, tho you make a valid point about such people, I *quite* value my alone time. (possibly a little too much at times) In fact, thats one of the things that has been worrying me about my new relationship...spending too much time with my new boyfriend at the moment. But I definitely agree with you about starting a new relationship too soon. The problem I see is that, I dont think it was as much of a fear of being alone as *losing* my new guy...I mean, when I first met him, years ago, I had feelings for him for a bit, b/c of shared interests/goals/humor & we could always communicate. We just had dif lives at the time, so a deep friendship developed instead. So, yeah, there is a fear of "missed opportunity," I suppose. thing that will be affected the most during stressfull times because you really don't interact significantly with any of your other problems. Very good point. Thx You'd be surprised how a few days of total peace and quiet, away from telephones, visitors, mail, television, etc. can give a great sense of renewal to us when we feel ourselves being pulled in so many directions. Yeah, I tried to do that last week. It's not easy...much akin to "escaping form yourself" & so on. ;-) really exists ONLY in your mind. The universe is pretty indifferent about things. *s* Thank you very much for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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