wouldn't necc. call it an affair, I just happen to be married w/ a FWB on the side...

[Wounded Unicorn]

[color=indigo][/color]wouldn't necc. call it an affair, I just happen to be married w/ a FWB on the side...I think?(VERY long story)

 

My husband and I are farely young he in his late 20's and me in my early 20's we have been married for almost 4 years with no children and he has been a rather neglectfull husband as far as attention, affection and sex. Not saying that it justifies my actions in any way. But I do admit as some of you know that this kind of situation for anyone can result in loneliness and feelings of inadiquesy.

 

About 6 months ago my husband got me a job at the store where he works. Ever since I had started working there I noticed this mysterious looking man with chizzled features (in his early 30's) that was kind of a loner and didn't really talk to anyone. He intreaged me in a way that I can not explain and I had started to fantasize about him. I didn't even know his name or what department he worked in as I only seen him around in the smoking area.

 

A few months after I started working there my husband said that a friend of his from work was going to join us to go club hopping, little did I know that it was "chizzled features guy"!! I am not one to normally cheat and as far as fantasies I believe although I am married I am not dead. The thing is though, I was VERY drawn to this guy, but figured it would just be an oportunity to make another friend( I have been attracted to hubs friends b4 but would never dream of acting upon it). So we go out with this guy and get wasted, very crowded area and was getting wasted and hard to stay together in the mass of sweaty bodies, so I grabbed my husbands hand and grabbed the friend's hand as well(no harm in that) so we get really wasted and share a cab home (guy lives down the way from us as well)

 

A week later it was Holloween night, husband was working(husband works 3rd shift and said friend and I work days) so I call said friend and asked him what he was doing, he said he had no plans, so we decided to hang out at his house and get smashed together. Well we all know what this is leading to it was time for bed as we both worked the next day (he has 2 beds in his room and I was going to crash in the 2nd bed). I was very cold and he could hear my teeth rattling and said that I could lay with him and he would warm me up, but thinking the alcahol hadn't made me completely stupid and 'careless' I declined. He assured me he would not try anything and nothing would happen unless I wanted it to. Well, I guess I wanted it to because I climbed in next to him and he wrapped his muscular arms around me and engulfed me with his warmth.( I know ya'll are thinking "what a dummy!"and at that point so was I) I burried my face into his pillow knowing if I had come face to face with him that it would change our lives forever and there would be no going back. He asked me to look at him, but I knew if he kissed me that it would all snowball down hill from there. Once you are lying in bed with someone and there is an enormous bit of sexual attraction and tention and you kiss you are floating on a cloud and your pants come off. well I did look at him, he kissed me I kissed back and there it was.....

 

He showed alot of affection that night and I felt we had a real connection (as most women would as many of us usually cannot distinguish the difference between affection=love and 'just sex'

 

But in later sexual encouters he stopped cuddling with me and when I asked him why he said that it was only neccesary in a relationship and it wasn't neccesary for a situation that is 'just sex'. We have had nine sexual encounters all together, but are able to also hang out as just friends. I have spent EVERY holiday eve with him since that holloween night and around mid January he had avoided me for 2 weeks not answering my calls and avoiding me on the net. I finally e-mailed him giving him a piece of my mind telling him if he wanted to end things to be a man about it and give me closure and if not then to tell me what is going on and why he is avoiding me. I finally pinned him down and it was like pulling pins and needles to get him to open up to me. Finally he said that he had started to get a bout of a concience and that it was wierd sleeping with me and then going to work the next morning and having to look my husband in the eye, and he figured he would cool things off a bit, but he was sorry that he had done it that way and he said he'd guess he could have went about it in a different way and not left me in the dark. And soon the encounters had proceeded again...

 

I have developed feelings for him since about a month into this situation. I was thinking... do you think he was starting to fall in love with me too and maybe that is why he backed off? He knows I love him, but I lied to him and said I wasn't 'in love' with him. Everytime I see him I fall just a little bit more. I feel really creepy though, doing my husbands friend, not to mention he is our co- worker (both a first for me) But I cannot let go of this guy. I love my husband and the last thing I would want to do is hurt him.

 

At one time I could feel that I meant more to this guy, but now I think he is trying to discourage coming off that way to me, maybe because he is afraid of getting hurt. I know no matter the outcome of this situation it is not going to be good and at least one if not two hearts may be broken. Or do you think it really IS 'just sex' on his end? I would really like to hear a males point of view on this as I am sure most of the women will just beat me dead horse and kick me while I am down. I feel lowsy enough as it is so I don't need to be told how insensative I am or how much of a whore I am. As you are not in my shoes and don't know what I have had to deal with in my marriage. And for the record I am not the first in my marriage to be unfaithful.

Thank you.

[SoleMate]

No beating here. But it is a little known fact that many men, even young randy men, have compunctions about sleeping with a married woman. In your FWB's case, they kicked in a little late, but I do think they are kicking in. On the positive side is the sex and whatever warm feelings he may have with you; on the negative side is guilt, fear of getting his a$$ kicked by your husband, and the feeling that he is betraying a colleague.

 

Have you and your husband considered arranging your shifts so you're both off together and you can spend time fulfilling each other's needs?

 

NOTE TO SELF: Do not climb into bed with attractive member of the opposite sex unless intimacy is desired, or am saving own life at Everest high camp during three day blizzard.

[Wounded Unicorn]

Originally posted by SoleMate

 

 

Have you and your husband considered arranging your shifts so you're both off together and you can spend time fulfilling each other's needs?

 

My husband has just recently tried to rekindle our sex life, but I now feel discusted by the thought of it. I guess maybe from all of the rejection I was subjected to in the past and the fact that he 'suspects' I am cheating. I feel as if it is not a heartfelt or emotional decision in the change of his attitude and desires toward our sexual situation, but more the motive of jealousy and being a territorial male. If he switched shifts to be with me at this point, I think it would drive me crazy! I just feel like he is changing under false pretenses and that it isn't a legitamate (in lack of a better word' change in lebido. All that time of being rejected has made ME not want HIM sexually. Ironic how the tables have turned.....is that a normal outcome? or am I JUST wierd?

 

 

 

 

NOTE TO SELF: Do not climb into bed with attractive member of the opposite sex unless intimacy is desired, or am saving own life at Everest high camp during three day blizzard.

 

 

SO FUNNY!!! LOL And SO TRUE!

[Wounded Unicorn]

Originally posted by SoleMate

 

 

Have you and your husband considered arranging your shifts so you're both off together and you can spend time fulfilling each other's needs?

 

My husband has just recently tried to rekindle our sex life, but I now feel discusted by the thought of it. I guess maybe from all of the rejection I was subjected to in the past and the fact that he 'suspects' I am cheating. I feel as if it is not a heartfelt or emotional decision in the change of his attitude and desires toward our sexual situation, but more the motive of jealousy and being a territorial male. If he switched shifts to be with me at this point, I think it would drive me crazy! I just feel like he is changing under false pretenses and that it isn't a legitamate (in lack of a better word' change in lebido. All that time of being rejected has made ME not want HIM sexually. Ironic how the tables have turned.....is that a normal outcome? or am I JUST wierd?

 

 

NOTE TO SELF: Do not climb into bed with attractive member of the opposite sex unless intimacy is desired, or am saving own life at Everest high camp during three day blizzard.[/i]

 

 

LOL

[Wounded Unicorn]

Sorry I am new at this... please bare with me

[abc]

I don't think you are awful, I think you felt rejected and desparately needed some attention. I could see myself getting into a situation like that too. It hurts when your husband/SO ignores you sexually. You lose your self esteem.

 

But sometimes it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. You say you love him but remember to love yourself first. He has his own issues. If you can't work them out with him then find another who will make you feel special. You are obviously lacking something in your relationship or you wouldn't have gotten involved with chisel.

[Wounded Unicorn]

Thanks abc

[fallenangel]

aww you poor dear. just one of the many neglected spouses who feels justified in betraying your spouse and breaking your marriage vows. nice spelling too, by the way.

[Wounded Unicorn]

Originally posted by fallenangel

aww you poor dear. just one of the many neglected spouses who feels justified in betraying your spouse and breaking your marriage vows. nice spelling too, by the way.

 

 

I take it you can't read very well. If you read my first post you would have seen that I had stated that I do not feel as if my situation justifies my actions. It was in the first paragraph you nit!

 

 

I said:

Originally posted by Wounded Unicorn

My husband and I are farely young he in his late 20's and me in my early 20's we have been married for almost 4 years with no children and he has been a rather neglectfull husband as far as attention, affection and sex. Not saying that it justifies my actions in any way.

 

 

Hmmmm..... maybe next time you will make sure you have all of the facts before you go tyring to be all high and mighty on someone. Don't think for one moment I am stupid enough not to get what you meant.

[July]

Just a question.....are you thinking about leaving hubby for chiseled friend..is that why you want opinions about his intentions (love or just sex)!!!

[moimeme]

You are obviously lacking something in your relationship or you wouldn't have gotten involved with chisel.

 

Augh!

 

OK, see. If you are in a RELATionship, you are supposed to RELATE. You are not supposed to suffer in silence and then go have an affair if you're not happy with your relationship. You are supposed to communicate with your husband, discuss your issues, and seek solutions together, which do NOT include messing with the local lad who has chisled features.

 

No, he is not falling for you. He told you exactly why he stopped seeing you and you, because you're falling for him, are now starting to create a fantasy for yourself in which he secretly harbours hidden passion for you (I'll bet you read Harlequins, right?). He doesn't. He, at least, has some conscience about this. Perhaps you'll grow one too and try to solve the problems in your marriage. Eventually, your husband will find out and then there will be no marriage to worry about. But then maybe that's what you want.

[Arabess]

I don't know that it's uncommon for a 'lacking affection' wife to form a crush on another man. It's once the line has been crossed and sex has taken place...that there are problems.

 

Lucky for you, this guy didn't blab it all around or make you feel bad. He sounds like he wanted a 'Friends with benefits' situation.....maybe smoothed over with a little sweet talk and cuddling in the beginning. Since your feelings are becoming stronger towards him though....he did the right thing in being honest and getting out of the picture.

 

What you have done or what your husband has done in the past isn't the real issue. The issue is...what do you want from your marriage and do you want to continue in it?

 

If you don't have any children and you aren't happy or fulfilled....you may need to rethink the marriage before children DO become an issue....or you end up in an affair with someone who DOES spill the beans.

 

Mr Sexy will probably not come back into your life. He's gotten what he wanted. Now, it's YOUR turn to decide what YOU want.

[Errol]

I would really like to hear a males point of view on this as I am sure most of the women will just beat me dead horse and kick me while I am down. I feel lowsy enough as it is so I don't need to be told how insensative I am or how much of a whore I am. As you are not in my shoes and don't know what I have had to deal with in my marriage. And for the record I am not the first in my marriage to be unfaithful.

 

 

*Beat* *Beat* *Beat* (beating me a dead horse!) LOL!

 

YOU make decisions for yourself and nothing 'just happens' unless you want it to. You wanted to cheat and you justified it to youself. If you couldn't justify it to yourself then you wouldn't have done it.

 

As far as I'm concerned there is NO excuse for your behavior. You cheated, you were dishonest, you disrespected your marriage, your husband, and yourself. Now that you found that you cannot control the situation you are hurt. I don't feel sorry for you. You deserve to be hurt. Does that mean that you are a totally bad person? No, it doesn't. But everything comes with a price. If you want fair value then you have to play fair and show some respect for others feelings.

 

You said yours is not the first infidelity in the marriage -- does that mean that your husband cheated on you with another woman? How did you get past that to stay married? Was this a 'get even' relationship?

 

What do you want? A good marriage or do you just want the OM to go back to having sex with you when you want it?

 

Do you want a relationship with the OM? Then tell him that's what you want and divorce your husband immediately. You sound very young and very, very selfish.

[faux]

I fear women such as yourself.

 

I don't have anything good to say about the situation. But you asked for opinions. You ought to have talked to your husband about your problems. What you've done in my opinion is completely inexcusable.

 

I think you need to figure out if you want to stay in your marriage or not. Forget about the man you cheated on your husband with. Focus on your marriage. Figure out what you want. Don't be dishonest about it.

 

I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if your husband found out, and filed for a divorce. You've certainly given him grounds to do so.

 

As much as I disagree and dislike what you have done, I still wish your situation the very best outcome. I hope that you can find a sound solution, maybe try to fix things with your husband even. I feel you ought to tell him what you have done however and take it from there.

[sami]

It is bad that you do not want to work it out with your husband. If your husband is ready to do something about it then it becomes your responsiblity to do your part. If not then be honest and ask him to see some one else. What is the point in keeping a relationship that is not working for both of you.

[befuddled11]

Same ol' story.

 

If your marriage is so inadequate, why don't you get out of it? Hell, you're young, you don't have children, so why are you really making lame excuses for cheating on your husband and breaking your marriage vows?

 

If your needs are truly not being met and you've done all you can (ALL YOU CAN) to bring that to your husband's attention (have you even TOLD HIM?), and you've loved him enough to want to try marriage counselling (you know, actually DO something about the problem you perceive, as opposed to just hopping in the sack with one of his coworkers), but none of that has worked, well then why not divorce?

 

What is screwing around on him going to prove? Is that going to fix or better the problems in your marriage? Are you going to spend the rest of your life screwing around on your husband?

 

As for your "chizzled" guy....he made it more than clear from the start that he wasn't interested in a relationship, he just wanted sex. You were an easy lay, and a convenient one at that. Good for him for finally developing a conscience and realizing what a dog he was for screwing the wife of a guy he has to face at work the next day.

 

No, he never loved you, never hoped for a relationship with you. You were a piece of a$$ and nothing more, sorry to say.

 

My condolences to your husband.

 

PS: "farely", "inadiquesy", "intreaged", "chizzled", "Holloween", "burried", "insensative", "alcahol", "tention"......he musta really f*cked your brains out

[sportsloving]

Originally posted by befuddled11

 

PS: "farely", "inadiquesy", "intreaged", "chizzled", "Holloween", "burried", "insensative", "alcahol", "tention"......he musta really f*cked your brains out

 

Tooo Funny~

 

My girlfriend is in the same situation you are in, she has been married for less than nine months. Although they never actually had sex, the pair went far enough for it to be considered a sexual relationship. The guy was also her husband's best friend (how is that for a bud?) and then decided it was wrong (only four months later).

 

Now she has to face this guy all the time, she lives in fear that one day he might get drunk enough to mention the whole thing to the husband, and she can't be around him alone as she acts "stupid"~ her words not mine.

 

I will tell you the same thing I told her. If you can't talk to your husband, he doesn't know there is a problem. It is my opinion (and we all know how those go) but you should tell the husband about the affair and let him make decisions that you have ultimately taken out of his hands.

 

He might go to counseling with you, he may drop you like a hot potato and file for divorce... but either way your marriage is doomed if you continue to hide this from him and never communicate your feelings. It will become a revolving circle, he doesn't know how you are feeling neglected, you will cheat, and he will look like the idiot when everyone else knows you are cheating (except for him.)

 

I do wish you luck... but fear you may not get what you expected.

[WoundedUnicorn]

Well I am happy to say that Chizzled and I are going stronger than ever, almost been 6 mos. now and things are wonderful! P.S. He did f*ck my brains out and still is!

[reasontosigh]

I am single - by choice. I have an FWB who is also single with no desire to get married anytime soon, if at all. We are the closest of friends, and have been for many years.

 

You're married. In my book it's an affair. Period.

 

Just had to get that off my chest.

[befuddled11]

My condolences to your husband. Gotta feel totally sorry for a husband who's got a selfish, conscience-less skank for a wife. Why don't you just let him go (divorce) so that he can find himself a decent woman to commit his life to? ...a woman who wouldn't dream of f*cking around with a guy he works with. I pity you, but I pity your poor husband more. *hurl*

[sportsloving]

Well I am happy to say that Chizzled and I are going stronger than ever, almost been 6 mos. now and things are wonderful! P.S. He did f*ck my brains out and still is!

 

If you are so happy about this, why not give the husband the divorce? Maybe it is that I am too opinionated ... but this is wrong, no matter how you slice, dice or cut it. I wish you would actually make a decision and let the husband go... it is plainly obvious you have no regret for what you have and will keep doing.

[Debster]

You are clearly having an affair. You are obviously not happy with your marriage - so get out of it or work on it.

 

I was disgusted by your last post talking about you getting back together with chizzled and how he @#!@# your brains out. I feel very sorry for your husband.

 

Carrying on with a colleague who also happens to be your husband's friend and boasting about it, is not only disrespectful, it turns you into a self-absorbed, cheating, lying, immature skank.

 

Is this who you want to be?

[Rightlymia]

Yeah I think a divorce would be the right thing to do.Let the hubby move on dear.

[Becks84]

My husband has just recently tried to rekindle our sex life, but I now feel discusted by the thought of it. I guess maybe from all of the rejection I was subjected to in the past and the fact that he 'suspects' I am cheating. I feel as if it is not a heartfelt or emotional decision in the change of his attitude and desires toward our sexual situation, but more the motive of jealousy and being a territorial male. If he switched shifts to be with me at this point, I think it would drive me crazy! I just feel like he is changing under false pretenses and that it isn't a legitamate (in lack of a better word' change in lebido. All that time of being rejected has made ME not want HIM sexually. Ironic how the tables have turned.....is that a normal outcome? or am I JUST wierd?

 

 

I just read today about supressed feelings and about this exact thing you're talking about here as far as not wanting something that you have waited for and wanted for so long once it comes around. I read it in the "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" book. I'll give you a little of it here, and I recommend you buy the book! It coudl help a great deal. It's worked wonders for me as far as understanding the opposite sex. I recommend to everyone to check this book out!! -

 

In a particular chapter, Dr. Gray talks about how with his partner he tried to "get her in the mood" for two weeks straight, and she resisted. Finally he gave up and began to feel resentment. Two weeks later she came to him. Surprised him with a candlit dinner and was ready to be initimate, but he felt like saying, "why dont you suffer for 4 weeks now!" The book states: "All of the resentment I had surpressed for the last 4 weeks was suddenly coming up. I realized that her willingness to give me what I wanted released my old resentments. " "If you share feelings and he hears and understands how you have been neglected, you will gradually become more receptive to his changes".

 

I know this just touches on a bit of your situation, but maybe the book in its entirety will help you. If you are truly unhappy with your husband though, and it's beyond fixable, you need to get out. Don't live unhappily and don't live the lifestyle of cheating and betraying.

Good luck to you.