What do you think about this..

[jmargel]

You all know that I got recently engaged and I love her with all of my heart. But, last night she got me quite upset, and I dont know if I should be, or what. Guess I should start at the beginning when I met her.

 

When I first met her, she told me she had a bf, which was ok because we were just friends. Over the months I would see how he would mistreat her. Only seeing her once every 2 or so weeks, hardly calling her and when they did meet up, she always drove the hour drive to see him. Then all they would do is argue. At first I wanted the best for her and gave her suggestions on what to do . But I could see it in her eyes that the love was being lost for him. Over the months ahead, her & me would always go out on weekend nights, and I would come down there just to talk & spend time with her. Nothing sexual happened, I wasn't in it for the sex. Well over the summer I fell in love with her, and I didnt expect her to say it back, which she didn't. Then towards the end of september thats when she told me she loved me, she ended it with him and we became a couple. She was with him 8 years and during that time they have broken up & got back together but the breakup would only last like 2-3 weeks. He would always act like the breakup never happened and refused to believe it.

 

While we were together he would keep calling, doing the same thing. Acting like nothing ever happened, expecting her to come up & see him. She didnt, she told him she was happy, etc.. Then we had to deal with a car issue, where she was making payments, but it was in his name. So he dragged that out as much as possible. The time she was going to the tag service to get the title put in her name was a time where he actually tried to kiss her. She told me she pushed him off and told him. Then his grandmother died, which I guess was like his mom. So he was making Brandy feel guilty about leaving him, etc.. Playing it up. All she did was send him a sympathy card, which I was glad. I told her I would let her deal with the situation as she sees fit. That I would rather know now that she's going to take him back, before we get into it too seriously. My heart couldnt take another beating.

 

She then told me around xmas time she called him just to wish him a merry xmas, that it meant nothing. What kinda upset me then was during that call he asked her 'Are you going to marry this guy' and she said she told him 'I don't know' When she saw how upset I was she told me, she was just trying to not light any fires because he was so down, etc.. She continued to tell me how much she loves me, etc..

 

Last night she was on the phone with me and mentioned something like "I wonder if my ex knows yet, about us being engaged", i'm like 'What does it matter?', and she responded 'It doesn't'. All I said then was 'Im glad he's moved on with his life, that he's not calling you anymore'. THEN she tells me 'Well I did call him 2 weeks ago', im thinking 'WTF'? 'Why?' All she said was that she was wondering how he was doing, and she could see he's still the same jerk as always, the way he was acting on the phone. I then got silent, with her asking me if I was still there. The conversation lasted like 45 mins, and basically out of the whole thing she said she's just a 'caring' person and that she was hoping he would have found someone by now and be happy in life. She mentioned that she just felt the 'need' to call him to see how he was doing. I told her this bothered me alot, because her mom is a little weird. She tries to make Brandy feel guilty about being with me right after ending it with him. But she's told me herself that she was out of love with him way before she ended it, and that she wanted to be with me for awhile before us getting together. Then she's like "I cant see why you cannot trust me, it was just a simple 5 minute phone conversation". She then said 1% of her feels guilty in the way we got together so fast after her breakup with him, but that she doesnt regret it and that she loves me in a way that she never loved him. Maybe i'm overreacting but I want this guy out of our lives once & for all. And it seems like she's the one calling him checking up on him to see if he's ok every 3 weeks or so.

 

When we were together in October, she went to meet him one night. She told me about it the next day. She just told me it was something she needed to do for herself, and they just talked. She said she noticed he was never going to change.

 

Anyway what upsets me the most is that about two weeks ago, I asked her if he contacted her, or talked to her and she told me no. She lied to me. And I brought that up. She said the call was no big deal and she was afraid it was going to be put out of proportion like it is now. She said now she's getting 'punished' for telling me. She told me she doesnt want to see him, and she's not calling again. Its just there was one thing in the beginning of october she told me which really hurt me alot, and she explained herself & apologized for. She didnt cheat or anything, but it was just something she said. I got over that issue, but when I hear things like this, I just feel like its being digged back up.

 

She does have a kind heart, and she is the truly caring type. She told me that she just cares about him as a friend, but he's not the one calling her, which I appreciate. She doesnt realize her calling him is really going to start pushing me away down the road. I've been hurt bad before and its just my natural instinct. I didn't tell her that because I don't want to pressure her stop calling, i'd rather know she's doing it on her own.

 

You think I should be concerned? Everything else between us is great. It just bothers me that she knows it hurts me, yet she still does it.

[UCFKevin]

Honestly, my gut feeling is that you have nothing to worry about. Her explanation pretty much takes care of everything.

 

HOWEVER, there is the problem with her leaving her ex for you. Is there any kind of looming cloud over you that makes you worry that the same thing could happen to you? Has she done it before?

[jmargel]

No, she hasn't done it before. The one time she did leave him, she had sex with another guy right away (this was like 5 years ago) and she became pregnant. The guy who got her preg. also was a total jerk to her afterwards. She never told him it was his baby. She hasn't gone into detail on what he did, but I'm assuming its something pretty bad. Anway, her ex came back to her, but treated her worse than ever. He knew it was this other guy's baby, so if he was going to go back with her, it should be with an understanding. That they weren't together when this happened. However he made her feel guilty, and she said since then he's treated her like dirt.

 

The baby died during delivery. Her parents still dont know its not his. They think it is, and I think thats why her mom is so hard on her. What was worse, when all this happened she was so out of it, everyone else made decisions for her. Like the funeral arrangments, etc.. Her ex even had the baby buried in his family plot, which she wishes she could somehow move it to hers.

 

I would have to say a very tiny part of me is still threatened by her ex. When I talked to her last night she said 'Well I was with him 8 years', and I then said 'Well I was with my ex 5 years', and then she's like 'Well she's married', im like 'What difference does that make? What if I were to call up Tara now and just talk to her?' She then said 'I would trust you enough, and not have a problem with it'. But to me its easy to say those things, when its not really happening. Part of me now just wants to call Tara just to let Brandy know I did, and see how it feels. But I know she'll take that as an act of revenge on my part, and thats not good.

 

I just don't want one day where she just ups & tells me she's leaving me for him, or that she wants him back. That's what happened with me & my ex. I knew things were going bad, but the way she left me was harsh. We went out one night & my best friend came along. At the club I asked her if she would slow dance with me, because she knew I loved that kinda thing. She just said 'no' and started talking w/ my friend. I just sat there kinda down, when she said 'Quit acting like a dick'. Im like wtf? So I went out on the dance floor, and he started buying her drinks. At this point I was so down that I figured the best thing to do was just continue what im doing. She came out & tried to dance with me but was so wasted she couldnt finish the song & went back. Towards the end I asked her again if she wanted to dance, cause another slow song came up & she said no, and then took him out. I left, went out into the parking lot. When another friend of ours came out to talk to me. He asked if I wanted to leave, and I said yes. So he got those other two. I had to drive them all home. Next morning while IN bed with her, she told me she's leaving me & has feelings for him. So over the years I had alot of insecurity because of that, and I know I still do at times.

 

Also the fact that when Brandy and me first got together, after a few weeks she told me she 'missed' her ex. The one thing that really hurt me the most was in October, when out of the blue she told me when she missed her ex, she ended up telling me she missed the sex. At that point I was going to leave & end it with her, she then tried to explain that, that's all they ever had in a relationship, thats all she ever knew. They never went out & did things together, never celebrated anything, etc.. She would go there, he would take her to this bar, then the rest happened.

 

I was hurt bad, but I had to be understanding I guess since I wasn't in her situation. That's when she met up with him, she told me they met at a diner, and all they did was talk. I believed her when she told me, because she told me the next morning when she was at work. I told her above everything else you need to keep communication with me open.

 

It just upsets me because I finally started to feel comfortable and not even worry about her ex anymore. Before I have to admit it was a huge burden of worrying on what she was going to do, even though for the most part she made it clear her intentions were to be with me. I thought by sleeping on it last night would help, but I found myself this morning more upset than last night about this.

[SoleMate]

Wow, I felt kind of upset when I read this. NOT that I think that something's really wrong, but I don't want to see you hurt.

 

It is hard to really say a final goodbye. Even if your head and heart know that Mr. X or Ms. X was pure poison for you and made you unhappy all the time, still, attachments form. We read about them on this board all the time.

 

I'd like to hear that Brandy has called her ex - with you in the room - and told him about your engagement and how happy she is. And also that she said, "You know, X, we had some good times, but i'm with jmargel now, and for always. And everything is over for you and me. In fact, even if jmargel weren't around anymore, I STILL wouldn't be with you." Strong words, but necessary.

 

Jmargel, you know you're on a hair trigger, right? I think you've said "one mistake and the girl is out of my life". And yet Brandy is a human being. I would never suggest that it is OK for her to lie to you. It's wrong. But I would hate to see the relationship ruined for a reason that is more about silliness and weakness than about fundamentals.

[jmargel]

I get hurt easily, and its because of my past. Alot more was done to me by my ex then I posted here. That in itself would probably take an entire screen full.

 

She only called him once while I was in the room, when she was in her car accident, and she asked me. I said I didnt care, so the call lasted like 5 minutes. Nothing big..

 

Part of me would want her to call him in front of me & tell him that she's so happy with me, but then another part of me would be thinking 'Is she saying this to get him jealous'. Im that way at times, and I know its wrong for me to think that way. Its not because of her, its because of my past. I try not to show it but I guess I did last night with her.

 

As to whether or not she would go back with him, if I wasn't in her life anymore I can't say for sure if she would or not. Especially since they were together so long. I guess that part kinda scares me too. As for the 'one mistake', I meant if she ever cheated on me I wouldn't take her back. Once the trust-bond is broken it can't be repaired (IMO anyways).

 

Just another thing last night when we talked she told me she just felt the 'need' to call him & see how he was doing. I never got that strong enough 'need' to have called my ex when we broke up, and I wasn't even in a relationship with someone else at that time. That's what bugs me about the whole thing, along with the lying. Nice way to start an engagement, huh? I just dont know what to say to her or do about this. I want this resolved.

[Leikela]

Like SoleMate said, Brandy is human. Attachments DO form and in the back of our minds, we wonder about the ex. I was in an 8 year relationship that ended almost 3 years ago. The first two years I wondered about him and when a new girl entered his life, I was always curious.

 

I think Brandy just has a natural curiosity about him. Maybe she doesn't understand it 100% herself, which is why she hesitated on telling you that she initiated the call to him. I wouldn't worry though. It would be very unlikely that she would leave you for the ex. Even when we move on to a new partner, we still have some baggage and stuff to work out in our heads from previous relationships. Especially ones that last 8 years and were filled with turmoil. Give it more time and she'll settle in more with your relationship. I mean you've only been together a little over a year.

 

I have been in a relationship almost a year (he is the man I am going to marry) and just now am I FINALLY letting go of everything in my past. I have since ceased all contact with the ex of 8 years because it is a chapter of my life that I want to close. Maybe Brandy will get to that point eventually too though, but right now it seems as though she's slowly shutting down that chapter of her life. This is actually progress, believe it or not!

 

I see happy things in your future together, I really do. She sounds like a lovely, devoted financee! Good luck to the both of you in your marriage.

[Errol]

She does have a kind heart, and she is the truly caring type. She told me that she just cares about him as a friend, but he's not the one calling her, which I appreciate. She doesnt realize her calling him is really going to start pushing me away down the road. I've been hurt bad before and its just my natural instinct. I didn't tell her that because I don't want to pressure her stop calling, i'd rather know she's doing it on her own.

 

You think I should be concerned? Everything else between us is great. It just bothers me that she knows it hurts me, yet she still does it.

 

After 8 years together it is hard to let go of the friendship. I agree that she does need to respect your feelings and put you first by cutting all contact with him. She can't do that if she doesn't truly realize that her calling is hurting you. You HAVE to tell her how it makes you feel. You cannot expect her to know unless you tell her. The part about wanting her to do it "on her own" is just a game and I guarantee that you will be the loser.

 

It has no less meaning for her to stop calling the guy if you tell her "Brandy, I know you have a past with him, but your future is with me and it hurts me whenever you have any contact with him. Out of love and respect for me, will you cut off all contact with him?" than it would if she just does it "on her own."

 

It's hard not to fall into these games and tests--they have become a natural part of society, especially when one has been hurt in the past. But you HAVE to communicate with each other and that means telling each other EXACTLY what you are feeling and why and what you would like the other person to do, say, not do, etc. Just because it is obvious to YOU does not mean it is obvious to HER.

[carla]

I feel for you. Yes you have a right to feel upset. I don't think that she should be calling him. It seems that she is leading him on. Maybe she doesn't see it that way and she truly is concerned for him, but he always wants her back it's b/c probably in his mind he thinks that she wants him back b/c she calls all the time.

You should be happy that she is now being open and honest about calling him. If she had something to hide she woundn't be telling you anything. I do believe this is an issue that needs to be resolved before the big day. I do believe that she is in love with you and not him, but it is obvious that their is still something for him. Yes every relationship wether it was good or bad will always be apart of your heart. That doesn't mean that you should always live in the past. You didn't say how long you have been together before you proposed. If it was just last fall that you 2 got together, your still in a young relationship, and the memory of her ex is still fairly resent. Maybe you should wait a couple of years before you get married. A long engagement is not a bad thing. Wait until your isssues are resolved. Thank God this is coming out now and not after you get married. If your love for each other is as strong as you say it is, and I believe it is, time will work things out. When the issue comes up try to stay calm, don't let your anger get the better of you. If you are calm and willing to listen she will be more open about discussing her feels about this. If you get angry and start yelling good luck in getting her to be open and honest. Best of Luck to you.

[jmargel]

Thank you for your posts. They've helped me out alot. Just part of my insecurity is when she calls him part of me is thinking 'Is she really over him?'. I know its all because of me & not her. The last two posts made me look at things a little different. I just want to be sure her heart is 100% with me, especially since we are engaged & just set a date. I mean she's really looking forward to the wedding, and told me she doesnt want to wait.

 

Its just during the past year when we were just friends, I felt like it was a competition between him & me, in my own way. She never led me on during the time we were just friends, but she knew I wanted something more with her. There was a time where it was so frustrating, I dated someone else for a month. Brandy got upset when I told her I slept w/ this other woman, but at that time she was still with him. Anyway that's in the past and I don't think about it. Just that I just wish I could look in the future to see what's in store.

 

Also I feel bad because she really doesnt have anyone else to talk to about things like this. When she said about feeling 'guilty' she said "I think that's kinda normal", she wasn't sure herself since no one else is around to talk to. Im lucky I have this board to vent my problems to. Her mom is also playing a big part in this, I mean she likes me alot and has accepted me, but still feels like she has to make Brandy feel guilty. I told her she has nothing to feel guilty about. He's the one who didnt treat you right, didnt love you like he shouldve & treated you as a trophy. Her mom is also in a very bad marriage (to brandy's stepdad) and there are things he's done to brandy that her mom doesn't know yet. That a whole other subject.

 

Do I apologize for last night? Do I even talk about it? I know even know what to say. To me communication is the biggest thing in a relationship. I just told her that I'm not going to tell you what to do, but its made me uncomfortable that this is happening, and with the lying. I was never mean to her, or made her feel guilty about her calling him before. I don't see why she had to do that. I've told her a number of times that i'm letting her deal with that situation as she sees fit.

 

If I tell her she can't call, I know her personality, and she would eventually call anyways. I don't see how else I can go about this. God I hate ex's.. I hated my ex-fiancee's ex as well when I was with her.

[carla]

If you got upset and angry at her last night apoligise for getting mad, but don't apoloigise for your feelings. What your feeling is normal. Tell her calmy how you feel and why. Also tell her that you are willing to listen when ever she is willing to talk about the ex. You are right when you say communication is one of the biggest things in a realtionship. It runs right up there with honesty and trust. She has to be honest with you in order for you to trust her and you have to communicate to achieve these things. Please don't compare her with the bad things that your ex did to you. They are 2 totlaly different people and handle different situations differently. Just b/c you think gee Brandy is doing what my ex did doesn't mean that they are thinking the same or that the result will be the same. The more you are understanding and willing to listen the more she will feel that she can tell you things. I've said that already.

[jmargel]

She called while I was at lunch to say hello, she was in between classes so we only talked for like 2 minutes. She just said 'I hope you aren't worrying about last night, it was really nothing'. I'm going to talk to her tonight, and tell her and make her promise me not to lie again. In that, that also means if she knows or does something that she knows is going to hurt me either physically, emotionally, etc.. that she has to let me know. That I shouldnt have to keep asking her if she is calling him, etc..

 

She hurt me last night, and I'm going to let her know that when I talk to her. There's only a few people I trust in my life: My folks, my brothers, brandy and my german shepherd.

[carla]

Good Luck. Let us know how it went.

[Thinkalot]

I feel for you and understand your insecurity! Me especially. But I think she should be allowed to contact a guy she was with for 8 years. Try to not let past hurts govern your present behaviours. I dont think you have anything to worry about with this woman.

 

Hope you feel a bit better about it.

[jmargel]

I talked to her last night, and at first she got upset that I brought it up again telling me to 'Grow up' That really pissed me off, and told her 'Grow up? I'm not the one who's lying'. She then said 'I didnt lie, you asked if he called, and I said no cause he didn't. You didnt ask if I called him.' That really set me off, I told her that's just a technicality, and I shouldn't have to ask if he called or vice versa. You should tell me these things. She then agreed to that. She told me she wasn't calling him anymore, but she's said that before and I mentioned it. I told her I dont care if she calls as long as she lets me know. I told her if my ex called or vice versa, I would let her know as well. Then she's like 'I dont need to know, I trust you'. Then all I mentioned was like I said before, to let me know anything that you may think that might bother or upset me. She said she didnt tell me before, because at the time we were having a good time and she knew it wouldve upset me.

 

She then asked if this was going to affect our relationship. I told her no, as long as you are straight with me. It almost like you have to tell her these things, that she should already know. Her last relationship was anything from typical, but still common sense should prevail in this. She's not a stupid person, she's on the dean's list.

 

I told her last night as well that once the trust bond gets broken it could never be the same as it was, and she agreed. I already told her in the beginning of the relationship if she ever cheated I would never take her back. No matter how much I love her, I just couldn't. Anyway thanks for all your advice, i'm going to see her tonight. Its been since sunday because she's in school, etc.. I miss her tons.

[carla]

I would leave it at that you've told her how you feel. It sounds as thou it's a pretty touchy subject for her as well. Unless she brings it up I would just end the subject.

I don't think that you should of said

I dont care if she calls

b/c you do care and even if

she lets me know

it's still going to bother you.

Anyway it's all water under the bridge. Hopefully she won't be in contact with him or visa versa and this can be the first of the dilemas that you have to encounter in you life together. Good Luck