I want my ex-girlfriend back, what is the deal with her?

[TheEdge1980]

I really thought things would work out w/ my ex-gf, but I totally messed things up -- More than once.

 

The (very long) backstory of my situation can be found here:

 

Anyway, my ex-gf Katie texted me out of the blue, then called me and apologised for the bad stuff and the hurt she put me through. We talked for about twenty minutes, I ended the call. She said maybe we could hang out sometime. We continued texting each other for about a week, things were good. Until she told me she was moving. That's when I emotionally lost it. I tried to act cool about it, but the feeling didn't last long and the emotions started pouring out again. I asked her if she was moving because of me and she said it was not just because of me, but also she's sick and tired of people that treated her like crap, and I thought she was putting me in that group. I was shocked she would even mention me in that sentence because all I ever did was love her. She made it to be like I was obsessed with her or trying to control her, but that was never the case. A couple of weeks went by, my birthday came up and I felt like talking to her, I got an angry response. We went back and forth, I remember telling her that her father is a piece of s*** (because he really is, you would have to know the guy), she retaliated and said my grandpa, who just passed away, was a true piece of s*** -- and she never met the man, she just wanted to piss me off. I remember telling her she needs to leave me alone, and this is he reply:

"I don't need to leave you alone. And that was my boyfriend not me"

I knew she wasn't seeing anyone, so that was BS.

I asked her why she lies to people:

"I only lie to you not anyone else"

Why?

"Cuz I HATE U. I ****ed my life so bad living with you n its all your fault. You got me pregnant I almost died. your a horrible person n I hate you. All you did was try n control me, everything I did. Im glad I cheated on u cuz I ****in hate u. You were the biggest mistake in my life. This will be the last message I ever sent you. I should have never lost my virginity with you, I should have never dated you. Nothing good ever came out of it."

 

That wasn't the last text message like she said it would be because the next day she sent me one telling me to "grow up"

 

Okay, to make things clear:

 

1. I felt it wasn't fair of her to blame me for why her life wasn't turning out the way she had wanted it to be. She's responsible for her life, not me.

 

2. Yes I did get her pregnant. We wanted to get pregnant together, we just didn't know it had already happened until she suffered a miscarriage, and almost died from the loss of blood. How does that make me horrible when we wanted a pregnancy?

 

3. How does wanting to protect her from drinking/getting in trouble/hanging out with bad influences make me so controlling? I thought I was doing what a loving boyfriend would want to do, which is protecting her and keeping her safe?

 

4. When she says "lost my virginity" she makes it sound like I took it from her and she didn't want it to happen. She gave it willingly to me and she knows it. It was her idea (no joke). I would have said "gave my virginity to you" instead.

 

Anyway, we don't talk for about 2 months. Right after she gets pissy and ends contact with me, she goes to Job Corps and meets this guy the day she gets there, and starts dating him. I get this info from talking to her mom, but before that, I saw a picture of her really close to some guy, not long after she left town, and she's got Job Corps clothes on. So I start feeling jealous.

 

**BELOW IS THE MOST CONFUSING PART**

 

I learned from her mom early this month that she was coming back to town for a couple of weeks for summer break. I tell myself I will try to be on my best behavior if our paths cross. Several days go by and I step into the local Taco Bell that we always used to go to when we dated. My sister works there, and she tells me that Katie is there. I act like I don't care, and wait for my order. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Katie walking right behind me a few times, it seems like she was trying to get my attention, but I kept my gaze at the front. The cashier noticed Katie was acting funny around me. I just picked up my order and left. Later on, I recieve a message from Katie's mom telling me Katie said to her that she saw me there and didn't talk to me. My sister comes home from work and tells me that Katie was asking about me before I showed up there.

 

A few days later, I go to work. I work at McD's, and Katie used to as well, but she never made friends with anyone there because she didn't work there very long. However, we used to go there as well when we dated. Anyway, I show up for work and someone we both know asked me if I seen her. I say "who?" "Katie. She was here not too long ago." I said "I wonder what she wanted" and went to work.

 

A few days after that (July 13th) I sent her a message: "hey kate, i kept hearing from people last week that you were back in town for a bit, and i just wanted to drop a line & say "hey, what's up" I never got a reply. Her mom said "Shes like guess who emailed me. I was like who she goes bob. I said thats neat so she might answer it she didnt tell me if she was.. Patience.. Lol, shes slow @ gettin things done."

 

I still haven't gotten a reply.

 

But... the next day, I was at the library. Yet another place we used to go. That's where we met. I was minding my own business when I notice her walking by, and wearing one of my shirts! I never knew it was gone. But it was one she loved seeing me wear, she thought I looked really hot & sexy in it for some reason. I go back to what I was doing. I then realise I have to check something out, so I leave my computer where its at, and go pick up what I need. I'm waiting in line and she walks up to me, says excuse me, I step aside, and she leaves.

 

about 10 minutes later, I turn off my computer, pack up and head out the door to go home. I leave the building and I notice she is sitting on one of the benches. I walk the opposite way for awhile, when I hear a cough, I turn my head, and see that she's walking in my direction. I just keep walking, and decide to look behind me, she's still following me. I keep walking, turn my head -- still following me. So I reach the stop signal, it takes her a while to catch up cuz she's far behind me. Nonchalantly, I say "hi" she says hi back. I ask her what she's been up to lately, she says not much. I chuckle and say, "wearing my shirt, are we?" and she quickly says "I just found this, I didn't know where it came from". I say ok. We cross the street. I tell her excuse me, and cross another street. So we part ways, but I notice she walks into Goodwill. If she wanted to go there in the first place, she could have taken the direct route instead of following me all the way there. I go home, check my clothes, can't find my shirt anywhere. Because she has it.

 

2 hours later, a message from her mom: "I was on the phone n she was outside the library n told me she seen u. Lol. She was waitin 4 a ride as well" I had to tell her the whole story, every detail, we both thought it was so funny! Especially that she followed me while wearing my shirt.

 

So a week later I send Katie another message: "Hi I think it was kinda cool to run into each other the other week. I apologise if I abruptly left just like that, but I had to be at home. However, if you ever feel like chattin' it's cool. No pressure or anything "

 

Still no reply.

 

But I find out from her mom that the new guy used to work security at an airport, and then collected unemployment before he went to job corps. Sounds wierd to me that she would go with some guy who had little money after being with me who has a job. My body weight is average. He looks heavy-set in the picture, while I'm clean shaven (she always wanted me to shave everyday) and he has this huge goatee. Why the opposite from me?

 

Articles tell me that she is in a rebound relationship and that chances are good that I can get her back by letting their relationship continue. I felt confident about that for quite a while. I have been doing no contact with her unless she crossed paths with me, and it was polite and casual and very quick/or I would also ignore her actions like I did at Taco Bell. Ive been sticking to no contact the best I can. Hardly sending her messages. My confidence in the situation is dropping the more I wonder why she won't respond. I'm worried. I just want her back with me and away from this other guy, because I love her so much and I want to be with her more than anything. We were planning on getting married. The articles say with time she will miss me a lot. Could it be that she has already been missing me but is just not ready to make real contact with me? Could it be that she still loves me and has feelings for me? What is the deal?

[TheEdge1980]

Hello???????

[Don Ho]

You guys sound young and she sounds very immature. Why are you talking to her Mother? A MAN would not do that. It doesn't seem by her actions that she misses you or wants you back. I think you just want her because she doesn't want you. I think you need to move on and DO NOT contact her at all. This doesn't sound like a good match and too much BS has occurred. You keep pining away for her but I think that's just because you can't have her. STOP reading into every like action and analyzing everything. If a woman wants to be with you .... she will let you know! Move on for both of your sakes.

[TheEdge1980]

I wanted her before she even left me, therefore I feel that this relationship ended prematurely. I don't want her just because she doesn't want me at the moment. I want her because I have real deep feelings for her and I can't see myself with anyone else. I already tried dating someone else and it just didn't feel the same as it did with her. Therefore it didn't work out, because I decided to end it. Turns out it was a rebound relationship and what Katie is going through is basically similar, if not the same thing.

 

I talk to her mother because she is a nice person and we get along.

[Don Ho]

Ok of course you wanted her in the beginning or you wouldn't have dated her. But her leaving you or not wanting you, I think, subconsciously increases your desire to be with her and your desperation whether you want to admit that or not. Of course it didn't feel the same with someone else .... duh, it was someone else! You never mentioned if the other girl was nice, how you got along, if she was a good person. You never gave her a chance cuz you're too obsessed with Katie. Got it!

 

Now you're going to go with the argument that you were rebounding and Katie was rebounding. So what!? That doesn't mean it's suppose to be or that even if Katie was rebounding that she will come back or have an epiphany that you are the man of her dreams. All that said, I will stick with what I first stated, that you should move on for both of your sakes. Not what you want to hear, but that's the way I see it. And not to insult you, but be a man and stop talking to her mother, it's an offense to all men.

[TheEdge1980]

Ok of course you wanted her in the beginning or you wouldn't have dated her. But her leaving you or not wanting you, I think, subconsciously increases your desire to be with her and your desperation whether you want to admit that or not. Of course it didn't feel the same with someone else .... duh, it was someone else! You never mentioned if the other girl was nice, how you got along, if she was a good person. You never gave her a chance cuz you're too obsessed with Katie. Got it!

 

Now you're going to go with the argument that you were rebounding and Katie was rebounding. So what!? That doesn't mean it's suppose to be or that even if Katie was rebounding that she will come back or have an epiphany that you are the man of her dreams. All that said, I will stick with what I first stated, that you should move on for both of your sakes. Not what you want to hear, but that's the way I see it. And not to insult you, but be a man and stop talking to her mother, it's an offense to all men.

I gave Brittany 2 months. We went on a date and then hung out at her place the day after that. and that was it. We only went as far as kissing and nothing else. As time went by, I wound up comparing the two women. Katie actually showed interest in me throughout the off-on relationship. It was 8 months with a 5 month rough patch, that's what we were calling it. Brittany made some comment about how I was "too nice". Which annoyed me. I tried getting more dates, and wound up staying at home all the time, which wasn't good. Brittany claims she doesn't like to open her heart to people easily, which I find hard to understand, because if you don't open yourself up to the other person, how is anything going to happen? She never wanted marriage again, like I want someday. She doesn't like any of the music I listen to, I feel the same way about hers, we can't seem to agree on anything, and after I broke up with her, she told me she was sleeping with another guy "while we were 'dating' or whatever" and that she could care less. Katie cheated on me and kept on apologising to me and showing remorse for it. She seemed to be feeling a lot of guilt for it. Brittany never seemed to care. KT and I had similar interests, went out all the time, did A LOT more than kissing, wanted to get married, we got along while we were together while fighting very little, and when we weren't we were fighting even more. I know that will seem like a red flag, but I love her anyway despite all the mean things we said to each other. She knws I love her, and I believe her actions tell me she still has some feelings for me. Why would she bother asking my family about me if she didn't still care? Why even follow me around or wear my shirt or try to get my attention if she didn't care about me? I think she's confused and trying to be with this new guy at the same time to try to get over me, even though she still has feelings for me. I don't want to give up on her ever, because I want to marry her someday, but I also don't want to be on the backburner.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok.... i did read the entire thing. whew. bare in mind it's very late and i am half asleep and might have missed a detail or 2, but i have my senses about me. (i think)

 

you guys do sound young and as don said..( forgive me for saying this...but i want to help in any way i can here and have to say this straight up)....both do sound ...immature. but we have all been young and foolish...and old and foolish ; )

 

 

katie sounds sensitive..which means she sounds sweet but also can be impressionable. <IMO>

 

i am sure she is a very cool girl since you love her so much. what i am picking up on you according to what i read, is that you don't know what a girl/woman really needs from a man. every woman needs this........

 

to feel safe!

 

safe means so many things. when you talk to her friends...and talk to her mom about her or talk to strangers (excluding these forums, but who knows about that either)...she will then feel unsafe. there HAS to be certain things in relationships that are sacred. i can't emphasize enough how important this is at ANY age. in other words...every time you go and talk to people about her, (like her friends and mom) you sabotage her trust in you and her ability to feel safe. i am convinced, no one can be trusted here in this story..and trust is KEYYYYYYYYYYYY in ANY relationship. let's start from the beginning: i don't even believe for one minute her friend who allowed you to text her pretending it was "her" was someone who could be trusted. i'll bet your g/f found out about that from her. and what kind of friend was she? she could have been jealous of katie for all you know. you do seem to talk to others too much and you are bound to get in trouble that way. things get back to people and if you say something bad it will get back to her. and if you say something good, it could come back to her all jumbled up. i think from the start this poor girl had friends who were jealous of her and tried to sabotage the relationship with you...BUT you look like you might be doing a good enough job of that on your own, talking to them. and i know you're friends with the mom and the mom liked you a lot at one time...but her daughter is still her daughter and i am sure katie feels betrayed when you talk to the mom too. she may not admit this to you but it can be very overwhelming and if she cant talk to you or be herself with you without the whole neighborhood getting involved (for it could put pressure on her and she may even be getting criticized or whatever) she will NOT feel safe with you. that is one form of feeling safe but it is not to be overlooked and is crucial. when i talk to a guy or something persoanl happens with us...I DON'T want him talking about it to my friends... deal breaker for most woman. the only thing a woman wants to here...if anything is said is. i was wrong lol. i miss her. period. but dont even bother because you cant trust to talk to a females friends...most of the time at this age youre at or any age.

 

of course a woman has to feel safe physically too. someone has to be grounded here and level headed. i know you say she hit you once etc. emotions are all running a muck here. i know you guys are young...there is a lot of passion here. when one person says one thing to hurt another...someone has GOT TO TRY to say..(not yell, scream ,call names..whatever...but say)...."that hurts my feelings when you do this" and someone HAS to listen, absorb it and self reflect and say "what can i do to make it better". since you can't change her and shouldn't, it will be up to you to improve yourself and be the man and take a higher road and not be pompous about it and indignant. be humble...and say i don't want to hurt you...how can i make it better? then listen up and do it. (lol, sorry but this is true about us woman. i know we HAVE to do our part too). otherwise you guys if you ever get back it will go round and round and round...and i see kids here...being exposed to the intenseness of it all too some day if you both don't get some sort of self control. and you almost had a child.

 

so many things went awry here BUT somewhere there has to be CONSISTENT kindness and stability.

 

if you want her back you REALLY have to start with self-reflection on where you think you went wrong and then owning it. i know she cheated and that hurts, but she has tried to form some kind of a relationship with you and it can't be a life sentence to her either. i know that cheating thing is a very sensitive area. it sucks. but you guys are young (i know it's NOT right young or not and even dangerous today ) but you weren't married and people make mistakes. i know you shared a lot...but this went down hill real fast for a lot of reasons, not just that one. that was just something that's very hard to shake off and forget. but forgiving people is something you have to work with and master..but its work. if you really love her..that's something you will have to do if she ever accepts you back. but dont forget youre not saint either. no one is. from what you wrote here...i think she still may have had some feelings left for you during that library thing. i think she has been damn mad at you too and doesn't trust you with her friends..the waitress..her mom, whatever. and lets face it you have tried to make her jealous too. it's one thing to make someone a little jealous to jolt someone sometime..but truly this is NOT the time at ALL. it's just perpetuating the cycle and causing hurt and distrust and thats = UNSAFE and i feel you did that way too often.

 

a woman needs to feel special and SAFE. that she doesn't have to worry about you with another female. or worry about tempers flaring. or worry you will tell everyone about sacred things..and sacred is relative to her...whatever she thinks is sacred. example: she could tell you she has $5.00 in her pocket" and you could go and tell someone "ya know katie can't go to the movies, she only has $5.00 in her pocket" and she could get pissed because she didn't want someone to know she was broke. you could think you're helping or whatever..to explain why she cant go the the movies. but it can be so irritating to have someone tell your business w/o asking how you feel about it. that's an innocent example..but too many incidents of talking to others would make her not even want to talk to YOU..period. so dont talk about your love life or whatever. or try to make her mom your confidant.

 

IMO if you did something wrong own it and sincerely apologize. if she did something wrong and you're after her and want her..or you think she did things wrong...you will have to wait till you're together enough and she wants to listen to express that. i would hold off on that for now if you want her back and you have to just put her stuff aside for NOW. but you cant yell and scream at each other anymore and let it escalate. that is so destructive to this relationship and any relationship.

 

you like to write maybe write her a nice note someday. without blaming her in it. i think she liked the fact that you liked her from day one and was interested when you guys first met...etc. and if she wasnt..she came around thru genuine kindness i am sure...not brutality. i know she may have said otherwise in the beginning but she would have never ended up with you if she didn't like you or the attention. but then it got all negative..the attention. you can have good and bad attention. plus she sounded like (because she IS young) listened to her friends, etc. dont talk to her friends. some have ill motives. or they are good people not liking your dialog and will tell her. so stay away from the friends.

 

this relationship should have been about you and her. even if she was immature you could still treat her with respect and kindness. it doesn't make a guy a sap or idiot to do so and like i said...girls do miss the good guys. and females can always tell themselves why they are glad to walk way from the jerks. you cant make someone love you if there's really no chemistry or too much water is under the bridge. but if you take a long hard look at yourself and i don't care how young you are...(read men are from mars woman are from venus) you will see the sexes are different and each look for certain basic things in a relationship. we are not all cut from the same cloth...but basically we desire a lot of the same things. find out what women even young one really want. read that book. sorry i am going on and on. if you see her again. tell her.."i don't want to fight or blame. i take my full responsibility in all of this. i just wanted to say you were/are so special to me and if i can salvage the sweet time i had with you and be a friend...i am here" if you cant hack that..i understand. it's not easy to be ready to be the giver. but at least you wont look back in regret for not trying your best. because i believe your question is about trying to get her back. not trick her back. learn and get her back and have a respectful fulling relationship. but this doesn't mean stalking or obsessing. everything in the world that works is about balance. that's how God put the world together or the universe would be off its axle.

 

we woman like to feel safe. it's great to trust and men like to be trusted. but you have to live by that. find one good friend you can confide in and leave her friends out of it they have been involved all through this, so has the mom. her dad who is the man she looks towards seems to be about her best interest. i know you have your feelings and heart to be considered here. afterall this post is about you. but if you love her consider her best interst too. and in order to help have any chance of being with her again you will have to work on you and take it seriously and treat her with loving kindness. you cant expect her to jump and be wowed right away. some things really take time. but if she really is no longer interested, you dont want to force her. just be gentle and kind and speak of uplifting things and dont look for trouble or you will find it. plant good seeds and progress with her or not...at least there will be better memories...then the mess it ended up in. you will know you did all you could. and will be better for someone else someday.

[TheEdge1980]

Thank you for the very long and very detailed reply lol I ended up crying a little because so much of it hit home, and hit hard. I even copied & pasted what you wrote into a .txt file so I can brush up on it as many times as I need to. You really hit the nail on the hammer about some of the stuff that happened.

 

1. the friend who let me text pretending it was her is definitely someone who cannot be trusted. She will lie about almost anything, and open her mouth a lot. If Katie found out from her that I was pretending to be someone else in order to get answers or anything, she would have blasted me for it, this I know from experience w/ her.

 

2. Our ages: We met almost two years ago, when she was 18 and I was 28. Age never mattered to us then, and I don't think it should ever matter now, as long as we connected and that there were many things in common. We're still young though. I think I'll be young at least until I'm 40, and she will be 30. The only one who really had a problem with the age difference was her father. He trashed me from day 1, and he never knew me or met me at that point.

 

3. Ya, I do talk to others a lot, because I believe in talking to people about my problems so I can gain some knowledge. That's the reason why I came here. Katie always told me not to talk to other people about what goes on in our relationship, she was always vague about the reasons why, and if people ever asked me, I would find it rude not to tell them, especially since they were showing care & concern. The reasons you gave filled the blanks for me I never intended to betray Katie or anything, I always intended to get solutions to the problems because I could never figure it out on my own, being that I'm still young, and inexperienced when it comes to relationships.

 

That being said, I honestly want to keep her around because I just love her so much and want to be with her until the day I die, I've said that before. I know in my heart she's the one for me despite the problems we've had, and she has told her mom the same thing last year at her sister's wedding. I also want to keep her around because I don't want to go through the trouble of looking for someone else, because I've been burned before in the past by many girls who just wanted to lead me on. I would rather stick with someone who has real genuine feelings for me than someone just out to get an ego boost and hurt the other person.

 

4.

katie sounds sensitive..which means she sounds sweet but also can be impressionable.

Again, dead on. Also, she is a timid girl at times, and sometimes tries to put on a tough front at times.

 

I was Katie's first REAL relationship & very first sexual partner. I've "been" with girls before her, but Katie was my first REAL relationship, first time I ever really had feelings of love for someone. I believed -- and still do to this day -- that what we had was very special. With everyone before, it was all infatuation, but last year was different, and very topsy turvy. I'm guessing that is kind of what real love is like, yes?

 

Yes, she has caused me a great amount of pain, and I know I have done it to her too. I have forgiven her for cheating on me and breaking her promise to stay w/ me. It took me a long time to get around to doing that. I know the cheating happened because of the guy who played games w/ her and made her feel like the grass was greener on his side. She felt so guilty afterwards, I know, I still don't know why she had to hide it from me. Maybe I will never know. Breaking her promise (to stay with me no matter what) later on, I understand, was impulsive because I told her that my family hated her because of the cheating and that if she wanted their opinion of her to change, she would have to really walk on broken glass for them (not literally). I never got to finish that sentence because she broke up with me in the middle of it because I mentioned the cheating. She felt that I was trying to rub it in her face, but I really just wanted to make a point. I wasn't sensitive to how she was feeling about what she did. Anyway, she can be impulsive at times. And young. That's why I forgive her now. She really has to learn things the hard way, just like I have to, because we're both so stubborn. (We're Tauruses if you believe in horoscopes)

 

She & I are both guilty of things in the relationship.

 

Again, thank you so much for reading my very long and very detailed situation and replying. I'm sure reading it was like reading "War & Peace" lol.

 

P.S.: Before you responded, I felt like I sort of failed when I sent her two messages over the course of two weeks and never got a reply, so I sent her another one to help with the No Contact, which goes like this:

 

Private [Last Name]~ (This was an inside joke between us)

Okay so like, I haven't really heard from you since I said a very quick hello, but I'm really not hurt by it at all. I've been really busy anyway, so it's no big deal. I heard you probably have a new boyfriend, and if so, then good for you!!! That's terrific, LOL, I'm glad you're happy, because I'm happy too. I don't regret ever knowing you at all. It's a shame how everything ended, but I'm really not angry at you, and I've forgiven you a long long time ago for everything. I do believe this time away from each other is good for both of us. I feel really happy being single I have some big decisions to make about my life, and I've been taking the time to think them over. Good luck in your life, and I hope everything is going well for you up @ Job Corps. Farewell.

 

~[Me]

 

You & I both know she still has feelings for me even though she's with someone else that certainly seems like a rebound in order to try to get over me and forget about me. I've done well so far on No Contact. Do you think I made the right decision by sending this and starting over w/ No Contact? Do you think this will be a good start in improving things?

Edited August 7, 2010 by TheEdge1980
polishing up the message and adding to it.

[IfiKnewThen]

Hi again ,

 

please know i am not attacking you or thinking you are all the "bad guy" in this senario. i dont think that at all. i dont think she is either. but the thread is entitled "i want my ex-g/f back". that being said i wanted to impart helpful hints (as a female) what i think most of us females like/need/want.....and that is....security aka feel safe. to be able to trust and be protected- above all. then comes stuff like sense of humor...etc. so you must earn her trust and respect for her to feel safe. you really have to mean it...not lure her in like a wolf. :l but instead, be real and loving and trustworthy yourself. she cheated b/c she is mixed up, young, confused, frightened and maybe a little bit impressionable all at once....and did i say young? she's still young enough.

 

i don't think age difference is so bad. i think if people are kind and mature..age doesnt matter. unless someone is obviously jail bait. you have to draw a line morally...always!! but you both kind on par in that department.

 

as far as the letter goes...i dont you wanted to put htis behind and try no contact. that's all good. but i do think its a better idea in THIS case...to make peace first before there isnt any contact. otherwise you can confirm to a person who MIGHT really care for you that you dont care for them to not say hi....and care if they are dead or alive. thats just my opinion. but you have to know when to stop and when you dont get feedback. no feedback could come from continued poor communication or because the person is just so done in their minds and hearts.

 

you might be able to illicit a respond with kind honest...sensitive communication from you.

 

the letter is find IMO but there are things in there that might not want to make her contact you still if she WAS feeling anything at all.

 

examples: instead of saying: I'm glad you're happy, because I'm happy too.

 

it might have sounded more clear...if this is the case, i am glad youre happy or (i hope youre happy), because your happiness means everything to me. i might not have shown you that before, but it does.

 

because it could sound like...yeah youre happy and so am i. and if shes upset with you, where is the satifaction in her...that you miss her. (geez ppl might beat me over the head for this one or saying this..but seriously she doesnt want to hear your happy without her , unless you really BOTH have moved on.

 

example: but I'm really not angry at you, and I've forgiven you a long long time ago for everything.

 

ok its true she wants things forgiven but youcould make her the guilty party here when you say i forgive YOU.

 

you might wanted to have added. i hope you can forgive me for how i acted. i never meant to hurt you or or us.

 

example: I feel really happy being single.

 

its good to know youre still available ...aka single....but it almost could sound like youre excited about not being with HER.

 

maybe you might have said...i am single and reflective. i am not looking to get into a relationship with someone else right now. i still have fond memories of being with you. in the meantime i am working on myself right now.

 

well something like that.

 

and maybe farewell for now..

 

leaves the door open for her to call you or you to call her sometime. just some thoughts.

 

language is everything.

 

but like i said...if iknew then...

[IfiKnewThen]

ps dont panic.....please...but.....

 

rebounds are not healthy. but if you get healthy and your have someone who is a good person and kind and doesnt have/meet good relationship skills...rebounds can work.

 

so......with that said. we all have to give tender loving care to our relationships.

 

 

always.

 

if your partner doesnt participate in that....that's their problem and nothing you can do. but you always know....you were real and did youre best. and if someone doesnt want you...you'll know. but it sucks to lose someone who didnt even know you because you were too busy playing games. (not talking about you..i mean in general)

 

so it pays to be yourself. just be a loving courteous self!

[IfiKnewThen]

typos...

 

 

typo------>rebounds are not healthy. but if you get healthy and your have someone who is a good person and kind and doesnt have/meet good relationship skills...rebounds can work.

 

what i am trying to say is....rebounds CAN work so beware. if your ex meets someone stable and kind and has good relationship skills, she can grow in that and it can work. its when we dont work out our issues or find a good fit that it doesnt work out. but yes i have seen people go from one relationship to another where they do work.

 

so take care of your relationships. i know the statistics....but they can work depending on the curcumstances so dont rely on that. ia m NOT saying it will work. shes young chances are it won't . but rather than trusting all of that to chance...in the future we all need to take care of our relationships.

 

believe me i know..

[EthanH]

ok, phew,

 

I'm sorry if i sound harsh in any of this, but I don't think there is any point on a site like this just trying to be 'kind'...

 

first of all, when I read your first post, I was sure you were BOTH very young, based on both of your actions and all the details about her virginity etc etc... BUT you are 28??? WTF... you should be acting in a far more mature way about all of this, AND you should also be totally aware that as an 18 year old, what she is doing is par for the course.

 

There are a few things about her as an 18 year old, which you should be aware of, these things should be expected, they should in no way be a shock to you:

 

1) she is going to be immature... that means, playing games. You cannot expect her to act in an adult way when she is only just an adult.

 

2) the fact you are her first real boyfriend means that she is going to be unsure, she IS going to wonder if you are the best available, not as a slight to you, but simply because she hasn't experienced anything else. In a way, you have to accept that she is going to make mistakes.

 

3) the fact you are much older than him, is an issue, you are 10 years older, and that might not be an issue if she was 28 and you were 38... but it is a massive difference at her age. She is at the age where she needs to experiment, make mistakes, be crazy, enjoy life, not have any real responsibilities... this is also highlighted in the fact that you genuinely think that stopping her from drinking/meeting guys who you don't think are a good influence etc etc is not controlling... it is...of course you are only being what you see as caring, but the caring thing you should be doing is letting her live her life, aware that if you date an 18 year old, it is par for the course.

 

I also feel uncomfortable about you speaking to her mother. Her mother cares about her, she probably likes you as someone who will look after her little girl, but I still don't think it is a good idea. You are shaping yourself as the reliable/dependable/safe guy, and yet for an 18 year old, to me, that isn't the main thing on their mind. She just wants to have fun! She's 18 and her whole life is being organised in front of her, and maybe she wonders if she is ready for it? The problem is, 'safe' for an 18 year old is boring. You need to be aware of that. This is exasperated by the fact that despite you being older, despite you being reliable etc, you are also extremely needy, you don't come over as strong. I'm 100% sure that initially, she reason she liked you was BECAUSE you were older, she liked the fact you were a strong MAN, at a time when she was basically an unsure little girl... but as she gets confidence which comes as part of growing up, the fact she associates you with a time when she was unconfident is toxic. And from the sounds of it, she feels enthused by being able to be on her own.

 

I don't know what to suggest. I would forget about ideas of any serious future with her atm. If marriage is what you are looking for, I think you should look for someone who is actually ready for it, and that is probably someone who is closer to your age. Maybe I'm wrong, but the idea you were thinking of having kids, the fact she at one point was wanting to have kids at 18!... to me shows something wrong, of course it happens, but do you really think that is the best thing for her? She has her whole life ahead of her, she has plenty of time to have kids. I just think that ultimately, due to your age, she has lived like someone far older than 18. The main problem is, you are treating her like someone who is older than 18, when in reality, she is acting exactly as someone of her age.

 

STOP texting her. You are just making yourself look needy. Regain her respect. If she misses you, she will contact you. The fact that her mother likes you is positive, I'm sure they will discuss things, but you have to let her make her own choices. Position yourself as a guy who she respects, a guy she knows is there, but at the same time she doesn't take for granted. Don't waste your time thinking about what she is thinking. There is no way of knowing, and tbh, it is pointless thinking about it, she may very well be missing you, but until she contacts you and is actually positive about making the effort to get back with you, it doesn't matter what she is thinking.

[IfiKnewThen]

actually ethans advise is very good. makes sense about her age..etc. is she 20 now? a bit confused.

[TheEdge1980]

Yes, she is 20 now.

 

Now y'all are making me feel like I messed things up beyond repair...

[IfiKnewThen]

i dont think you messed things up beyond repair.

 

call me crazy...but i think anything is possible....

 

i agree she is young and of a different mindset. you have to be more mature than her. but i still say stay away from talking to the friends. i know you talk innocently ..... trust me i live with someone like that . talks but doesnt get the harm they do everything they talk to someone i know.

 

 

if you get the chance to talk to her again someday...dont blame just be kind and try to hear what she saying for now. keep us informed. good luck

[TheEdge1980]

1. Do you think I should message her one more time and throw in some of those things you suggested? Or will that cause more harm than good because I keep messaging her?

 

2. If she didn't want to talk to me anymore, couldn't she have just said so after the first message?

 

3.

"or because the person is just so done in their minds and hearts."

IF that is true, then I wonder why she even bothered to ask my family how I was doing or follow me around or try to get my attention? Judging by those actions on her end, I truly don't believe she is done in her heart. Maybe in her mind, but in her heart? Hell no.

 

And IfIKnewThen, thank you for being supporting and listening to me

Edited August 8, 2010 by TheEdge1980

[IfiKnewThen]

you keep messaging her? how often/ when was the last time? and basically what was said already?

 

2) what you are saying is possible. but then it could just be actions speak louder than words. she might really not want to talk to you or doing N/C too.

 

but dont feel too bad that you have messaged. then when you stop...she will at least notice that. its the concept of hearing something everyday and then it goes silent. this doesnt mean that's going to work and she will want you. (disclaimer). it just means that you dont have to beat yourself up for messaging her. as much as you did.

 

i just hope you said positive good things and nothing that taunts..and aggravates or pressures her.

 

its way better to lighten up now and stop texting. you can tell her those things another time, if you are blessed to get a chance. i would give it a rest now...however hard that is to do.

[TheEdge1980]

the last time I messaged her was the one I just put up on the forum yesterday. Which you saw, I'm sure. It was sent to her on Aug. 4th And that was it. I haven't messaged her every day, it was more like once every one or two weeks during the past month.

[Don Ho]

I agree with Ethan's advice. And just WTF are you doing with a 20 year old when you're twenty eight? If you want a hot body, a play toy and a lot of drama get a twenty year old. If you're 28, you should really be looking at older women, that is if you're serious about wanting to be in a relationship and you're not emotionally dysfunctional. I think women don't really "even out" until they're at least 26. If I were you I would be looking at 28-30. When I read all your posts and how hung up are on her and how you keep pining away and contacting her I think of one word for you: PUSSY. No offense bro, but you need to start acting like a man, find a woman and leave the little girl alone.

[TheEdge1980]

I'm not interested in other women. I did give someone else a chance who was a bit older, but it didn't go anywhere and all it did was bring back the feelings for Katie. Women my age have kids already, I don't want to be with someone who has kids. Already went down that road.

 

I don't care if people think Katie is "immature". Everyone is to a degree. I got Katie back before and I believe I can do it again. This question is about how to get Katie back, not about going to someone else.

[TheEdge1980]

All I know is that when she came back home last month for summer break, she asked my sister how I was doing, started going to places she knew I might be at, went as far as to follow me, and still wears my shirt. All that despite the fact that she has a new boyfriend. This is confusing me. When she started following me and I had the opportunity to say hello, I took it and didn't stay very long. Although she never acted like I was frightening her or anything. She didn't seem like she as wanting to run away from me. When she goes back to where she's at after her break is over, she ignores my messages. I think she is confused and I want to know how to get her to the point of at least talking to me again while she's with someone else.

[IfiKnewThen]

i cant seem to private message you. i am just calling out to friends right now because i am terribly sad. i wanted you to read my post and have you PM me your thoughts. where is your PM link? thanks

[TheEdge1980]

I tried looking for yours too and couldn't find it. If you have Facebook, my page is http://www.facebook.com/mirrorball.lemon

 

I refer using Facebok because I usually use that. If you don't have Facebook, my e-mail is [email protected]

[IfiKnewThen]

how come you dont have a contact link thing on LS?

[IfiKnewThen]

i am trying to keep my email address private so i thought i would private message you through LS. all you have to do is put your email address on with them and you will get a notification a private email has been sent to you. are you able to set that up? in the meantime...........

 

read todays post on long distance relationships entitled SICK/hurt