I intensely dislike my sister in law- am I being overly critical of her?

[snoodlebug]

Hi all,

 

This is gonna be a long post with a mixture of venting and a genuine need for opinions on the matter, so if this isn't your cup of tea then look away now....

 

OK, still with me? Good, let's carry on....First a little back story...I am the youngest child of my parents who have only 2 children, myself (a girl) and my big brother who is older than me by 14 years (I am now 24).

 

When I was 11 years old, my brother got married to a woman that my parents deeply disapproved of because she was not of the same faith and background as us (I know it's a lousy reason to not approve of someone), anyway, my brother swayed my parents round, albeit reluctantly, by saying that she would adopt our ways and would convert, which she did but as time went by we began to realise that she was a convert in name only as she didn't practise our ways at all. However, my parents are reasonable people and understood that it would be difficult for her to renounce her old faith and her ways and were happy for her to carry on with her old customs if only she would show some desire to learn our ways- long story short, she didn't.

 

So 13 years later, my brother and sister in law now have two children and both my parents and I adore those kids. We spoil them as you're supposed to but to some extent my sister in law always seems to want to keep them away from us. More than that she dresses her children like hobos, which bugs the hell out of me since my brother makes a hell of a lot of money.

 

I should mention here that my mother and I are clean freaks and we always like to wear nice clothes and always look tidy and neat and we expect her, my sister in law to be similar if not entirely the same (obviously not possible but it would be nice if she at least tried). However, she is not, she cleans but it's not thorough, which is fair enough but her method of keeping her house and kids clean drives me nuts. She is just not good in that way.

 

Now I know what you are thinking here, that I should get off my sister in law's back and let her live her life and I should live mine, right? Well, I do, in fact I try and stay as far away from my sister in law as possible because I don't want to cause problems for my brother and his wife and I don't want my neices effected by the tension between their mother and me. My mother and father always tell me to be nice and not rock the boat because they also want my brother to be happy and not suffer because of our feelings towards his wife.

 

I know I haven't listed many of her faults and I won't because I think it's unfair and because my petty side would say there isn't enough space on this forum to write them all down....lol

 

But this brings me to the reason that I am on here to begin with....Today I had to drive my sister in law and my neices to my uncle and aunt's houses because they are here on holiday and they leave in the next few days (my brother and his family live in Dubai) and the entire journey to both houses was filled with her listing all the problems in my father's family e.g his freeloading brothers etc. and how her parents and her family are so much better than my parents and then she proceeded to lecture me on how I should "keep my parents in line." It was so bloody disrespectful of her especially when I think about how kind my parents are to her even though she doesn't deserve it most of the time and all because they want to keep a smooth relationship with her for my brother's sake.

 

What pissed me off even more was when I found out that she had taken my neices to see their "real" grandmother. I should also explain here that my brother is in fact my half brother. My father was married to someone else before he married my mother and my brother was the result of that relationship. My dad got sole custody of my big bro and got remarried and my mum raised my brother from age 2. My brother had no idea where his mother was until about age 18, when my vindictive uncle (one of dad's freeloading brothers) told him her whereabouts. Ever since then he has had a secret relationship with her and I don't begrudge him that since it's his mother and he wants to get to know her. But my dad would not approve so he does not know and my brother also keeps it from my mum because he knows how hurt she would be. He also keeps it from me because he thinks that I don't know he is my half brother, lol.

 

My dad told me when I was about 10, I didn't believe him and so I asked my brother about it and he pretended that dad was just joking and that I shouldn't believe dad's crazy story! Seemed to be end of that except when I asked my mum and she told me the truth. To be honest, I don't really think of it because it never changed the way I felt for my big bro because he was no more and no less my brother in my eyes than before I knew the truth.

 

Anyway, getting back on track...My sister in law took my neices to see their "real" grandmother and that's fine but she explained to little kids that both my mother and I weren't really their aunt and grandmother and that they should keep all meetings with their "real" gran a secret from us because we wouldn't understand. I would understand but what I don't get is why she would tell little kids something like this. I don't want my brother and his wife to lie to their kids but why not wait until they are a little older to fully explain the situation and why say that my mum and I aren't really their "real" family? I was so hurt when my neices told me today (in secret, mind you, while their mum was out of the car and getting something from the store) I am certain that my brother does not feel this way since he and I have always had a good relationship what with us being the only siblings we each have and my brother loves my mum since she is the women that has raised him since before he can remember, so then why is his wife meddling?

 

There are so many other things that she has done to piss me off over the course of just this holiday let alone the course of the marriage but thats for another post (heavens no!!!) but I needed to vent this one particular thing and see if I was unduly over-reacting.

 

Sorry for the long ass post in advance and any opinions on the matter would be much appreciated.

[D-Lish]

You mention a lot of mundane, petty things that bother you about your sis-in-law. The way she cleans her own house and how she dresses her children is none of your business. Her faith is none of your business.

 

You brother is happy with her, and that's what should matter. Who cares how she dresses her children?? Why is that your concern?

 

This is your bro's marriage, yet you seem to think you have a right to impose your own ideas about how his marriage should work.

 

You also said that she complained about your uncle because of his behaviour- but then you qualified her belief by admitting he actually is a vindictive free-loader. You seem to share the same belief regarding this, but don't think she has a right to voice what is glaringly obvious?

 

I think you and your mother are opposed to this woman because she isn't of the same faith, and that laid the foundation for years of hatred and resentment toward her. I think everything else is just BS you tell yourself in order to continue to deny her acceptance as part of your family.

 

In terms of the children visiting their bio-grandma, why is this all her fault? Your bro was seeing her in secret, he obviously felt the need to keep it from you- I think she is just following his lead here. I think your bro wants his kids to get to know her- if he didn't, she wouldn't be taking them for visits. Perhaps his bio-mom is also a hell of a lot nicer and less judgemental than your family.

 

I feel very sorry for this woman, dealing with all your notions of superiority, discrimination, and judgement.

[linwood]

 

I feel very sorry for this woman, dealing with all your notions of superiority, discrimination, and judgement.

 

Agreed

 

The OP seems petty and self absorbed.

 

The best thing you can do for your brother and his wife is to leave her alone.

 

This is the type of crap that made me disown my family.

[Citizen Erased]

D summed my feelings of this situation perfectly. Heaven forbid I end up with in laws as judgmental and nosey as this.

[snoodlebug]

I would like to say that I realise that you all think that I am an interfering cow but really i'm not (i guess you think I would say that, right)

 

I have mentioned that my brother's wife has annoying habits and her way of doing things aren't necessarily my way of doing things, however, that's not the issue. I pick up on these things like any other person would, it's not judgmental it's simply human nature.

 

As I wrote in my post I never voice my grievances to her or my brother because as you all mentioned, they are her kids, it's her house etc so she should do as she sees fit and neither do my parents say anything to her for the same reason.

 

As for the faith issue raised by D-Lish, it is my business. Religion plays a huge part in my families lives and she knew this as my brother told her he would not marry her unless she converted and truly practised our ways.

So she converted but she hasn't picked up any of our ways, I am not saying that she has to be a religious fanatic or anything but she could at least make the effort, in fact she has mocked our belief system in the past and maintained that her religion is better- (her faith before marriage)

 

Why convert if you aren't going to at least learn a little about it? But like you said that's also her business.

 

My biggest problem came yesterday when I discovered that she had taken the kids to see their biological grandmother. If you had read the first post properly you would notice that I said that I don't begrudge my brother a relationship with his mother and therefore I also don't see anything wrong with his children getting to know her as well. Instead what hurt me was the fact that from age 6 their mother had ingrained into them that neither my mother or I were their "real" family and that they should remember that! Yes, D-Lish, I am sure that she was taking my brother's lead by not telling us about the visit but her reasons seem to be for entirely different reasons.

 

My brother would not want my father to know because of the hurt his biological mother put him and my brother through, he wouldn't want my mum to know because it would hurt her a little as well. As for me, he wouldn't want me to know because he still believes that I don't know that we are half siblings since he thinks that I believed him when he said Dad was joking. I know for a fact that my brother would never condone his wife telling their kids that we aren't their "real" anything.

 

I guess in your eyes I am being petty and irrational and maybe for the other stuff I am but this really hurt me to know that she has been telling little kids that we aren't "their blood" to quote my 6 year old neice.

 

So whatever, I am most likely gonna get more replies that I should see that I am in the wrong but someone out there has got to see that telling young children to be weary of your aunt and grandmother is a step far because they aren't fully blood related.

 

Thanks for the posts anyway.

[RedDevil66]

This is not about right or wrong, this is about keeping the focus on yourself and learning how to be a better person and not trying to make your sister in law into something you deem as a better person.

Her life, and your bro's life and their kids lives are NONE of your business. Nor your Mother's

My BF's family is like you and your Mom and I stay FAR away from all of them.

 

You need to focus on your own shortcomings.

[anne1707]

As for the faith issue raised by D-Lish, it is my business. Religion plays a huge part in my families lives and she knew this as my brother told her he would not marry her unless she converted and truly practised our ways.

So she converted but she hasn't picked up any of our ways, I am not saying that she has to be a religious fanatic or anything but she could at least make the effort, in fact she has mocked our belief system in the past and maintained that her religion is better- (her faith before marriage)

 

 

No it is not your business. This is between your brother and his wife.

 

Why should she change religion to suit you and your parents? It almost comes across as if you see your religion as better than hers.....

[RedDevil66]

No it is not your business. This is between your brother and his wife.

 

Why should she change religion to suit you and your parents? It almost comes across as if you see your religion as better than hers.....

 

I suspect Muslim and yes, this is common in that religion to think their religion is better than any other.

 

I'm of no religion and believe religion is about control alone. If this persons religion were superior and or loving, she and her family would accept anyone into their lives as long as they are loving.

[brainygirl]

I suspect Muslim and yes, this is common in that religion to think their religion is better than any other.

 

I'm of no religion and believe religion is about control alone. If this persons religion were superior and or loving, she and her family would accept anyone into their lives as long as they are loving.

 

I figured muslim when I first read the OP's post. I know I'm gonna get flamed, but I've never met a more judgmental, exclusive group of people than muslims from the middle east. (asian muslim's I don't have as much experience with).

 

And yeah, I know what I'm talking about because when I was in college I lived in student housing that was 80% saudi arabian. I don't know how HUD based family housing got to be filled with one particular nationality, but it did.

 

They would literally take their kids inside when I went out to the play area with mine, but wanted me to do their papers for them. Not tutor or proof read, but just do it for them.

 

You guys aren't going to convince the OP she's wrong. But I surely feel sorry for the sister in law.

[sally4sara]

I don't know the back story for why your father thought it was right to keep your brother from knowing his mom from the age of 2 to 18, but I think it's appalling.

Your brother wants, for whatever reason, to hide the fact that he has become close to his real mom. If the kids are seeing this woman, AND its suppose to be a secret - what she told the kids makes perfect sense. She had to tell them "She is your dad's real mom, that is why we visit her, but don't tell your our family members about it".

 

If you all were not so much about denying family member and their existence, this wouldn't be happening.

 

How often does your sister-in-law get to see HER family and take HER kids to see them? How often does she get to expose them to the other half of their origin and maternal family?

 

I think it is sad. Here is this woman with two kids and she is expected to not teach them about who she or their father were before she had them or tell them the truth about how your family practices their faith - seemingly by blocking kids from knowing all their family members.

 

Then top it off by how you view these kid's mother? She never had a chance of coming to think of you as HER family because from go, you all decided she wasn't good enough. Why would she even want to show you all the level of loyalty you expect?

[Angel1111]

I agree with the others about how a lot of things you point out sound incredibly smug. Now you object and say that you're not being judgemental but from where we're standing, that's exactly how it looks. Particularly the religion thing. I have lost about 80% of my family over religion so when I tell you this is a hot button for me, I'm not kidding around. So what if she doesn't believe the way you do? And even though you say you've accepted it, you haven't. You look down on her and I think she knows it.

 

Aside from everything else, though, the truth is, your brother is still your brother because you carry the same bloodline. I'm not sure why anyone would think otherwise. A step sibling is different - they don't share your bloodline at all. Still, whether full, half or step, there is more to family than blood, as many step-families would attest to. My ex re-married and has a stepdaughter. His family accepts the daugther just like she's their own. My son calls her his sister. This is how it should be. Honestly, I think your sis-in-law is reacting more to the other judgements than to the half-sibling stuff. This issue needs to come out into the open in the family because the little whispers here and there about it are undermining the roots of your family. Bringing it out in the open destroys all of that.

 

I'm just curious as to why you didn't say anything to her about this when she was telling you this stuff. She has a bad attitude about the importance of the relations, that's for sure, but I can't help but believe that there's a 'fake acceptance' on the part of your family that she has picked up on.

[snoodlebug]

Yes I am muslim and I am also asian. So is my sister in law. But she is hindu. And for those of you who keep bringing up the fact that you suspect that I am muslim, let me now clarify- yes, it's true-the poster is a bomb toting, Allahu shouting crack pot (that's how you see me, isn't it)- happy?

 

Now, if we could get back to the matter at hand and I'll deal with your blatant racist attitudes later.

 

All of you mention that I should mind my own business, let's say now that I ignore everything else and let bygones be bygones. Can any one of you on here really sit here and tell me that I am completely unjustified in being just a little pissed when my sister in law tells her kids that because I am not fully blood related, they should be weary of me? This is the main issue here that brought me on here in the first place.

 

Does that sound like a person who is completely loving and completely blameless? I am sure most of you would reply back, yes. She was completely within in her rights to tell her kids that because someone is not a full blood relation they should not love them as much and that only her brother and her parents and my father and their biological grandmother should be trusted? Again, I am sure most of you would reply back yes.

 

Brainygirl, I really don't know what type of muslims you have had experiences of but I can tell you not all of us are like that. Arabs, I grant you can be really bad but since I don't know all Arabs I shouldn't generalise and neither should you. Also you mention that I can't be convinced that I am wrong and I suspect that neither can I convince you that not all muslims are bad or as bad as the ones that you lived near.

 

Some Muslims (and the media won't portray these muslims) wear the same clothes as you, eat the same food as you, listen to the same music as you even watch the same movies as you....see where I am going with this? In short, they really aren't that different to you!

 

I was born and raised in London, I don't wear a burqa, I don't condone any extremist muslims and yet all you guys can see here is some traditionalist muslim nut job.

 

Like you said, her religion, her choice but why convert and then make snide comments? Keep your old faith but at least try to learn if not practice what you have converted to. Did Charlotte not convert to Judaism for Harry in Sex and the City? (I know movie reference, not real life) No one forced her to convert, it was a choice for her to make. I don't view my faith as being any better to anyone else's so please for those of you who have said that "muslims view their faith as being superior" you should refrain from making such sweeping generalisations, it's like saying that all American's are fat.

 

Maybe I am at fault for seeing her shortcomings but she doesn't endear herself to me by trying to turn her children against me.

 

So perhaps some of you should actually read the post again and think on how you would feel if YOUR sister in law was telling her children, that you had always been kind to, that because you aren't a full blood relation that you can't possible be loved or trusted as much. None of you mention this in your replies. I bet that not one of you can say you wouldn't be hurt. And if she was so loving and welcoming then she would explain to her kids that despite being a half relation, it shouldn't matter about that so long as someone loves you implicitly.

[anne1707]

Can any one of you on here really sit here and tell me that I am completely unjustified in being just a little pissed when my sister in law tells her kids that because I am not fully blood related, they should be weary of me?

 

Err yes, me.

 

I would be wary of you too. You and your family have obviously never fully welcomed and accepted your sister in law in to your family. Why should she trust you when you all have such a low opinion of her and have tried to make her change her own personal religious beliefs.

[Angel1111]

Yes I am muslim and I am also asian. So is my sister in law. But she is hindu. And for those of you who keep bringing up the fact that you suspect that I am muslim, let me now clarify- yes, it's true-the poster is a bomb toting, Allahu shouting crack pot (that's how you see me, isn't it)- happy?

 

Actually, I thought you were Catholic. haha.

 

I did address those issues about her attitude about the family and I agree that it's wrong and messed up. The thing is, though, a lot of people never see how radical religious attitudes create division in families and I think that's in play here on both sides. This is why I have no respect for religion. Other than an institution that can unite a community, religion is useless as far as I'm concerned.

[snoodlebug]

Angel 1111, I didn't say anything to my sister in law because she was out of the car when my nieces accidently let slip about it and begged me not to tell their mother for fear that she would get angry with them.

 

Sally4sara, my dad took away my brother because the courts gave him that right because she was, back then, an unfit mother. She apparently cheated on my dad and would leave my brother alone in the house while she would go out with her boyfriend. It was not because my dad felt some vindictive need to keep him away from her as she relinquished parental rights to my brother. However, years later when my brother found her, she apparently realised the error of her ways and now wanted a relationship with him. None of us object to my brother letting the kids get to know her but my dad has a problem with it since it brings back bad memories for him, which is why my brother keeps it from him. My mum has no problem with it but feels a little hurt because she was the one that raised him essentially since he was a baby but that doesn't mean she would try and stop him. As for me, I have mentioned many times that I don't care about that, I only care that his wife tells his kids that we are not to be trusted because we aren't fully related.

 

My sister in law was welcomed into our home but she always likes to distance herself from us. When we wanted to take her along on our holiday she declined and said she didn't want to so we cancelled the trip only for her to book the same trip but without us.

 

She didn't want my brother to go to my graduation because her brother had gotten engaged that day and she was adamant that they had to congratulate him that day, in person. (£80 down the drain)

 

She won't tell my brother when I call, so I have to call back later or call him on his mobile.

 

I gave my neices presents that she refused to take with her on the pretense that they already had too may toys- it was a bloody Ipod and wii game, I doubt they have too many of those!

 

Yeah, I bitch about her but you know what? I don't think I completely in the wrong about her.

[Angel1111]

Angel 1111, I didn't say anything to my sister in law because she was out of the car when my nieces accidently let slip about it and begged me not to tell their mother for fear that she would get angry with them.

 

You said that in the car she was referring to her family as the kids' 'real' family, etc - why didn't you say anything to her about that?

 

Yea, and that's another point about your brother seeing his mom - this is just more dirt under this family rug that needs to come out to light. Too many secrets, too many hidden things here because no one is free to talk, or free to live their lives. No one is talking honestly or with love. Which is what religion is supposed to be about. Sorry, the hypocracy never ceases to amaze me.

 

I don't think you're all wrong about your sis-in-law. But, in the name of religion, lots of people take that power to judge, and I do think that is alive and well in your family - yours and your sis-in-law's.

[sally4sara]

Yes I am muslim and I am also asian. So is my sister in law. But she is hindu. And for those of you who keep bringing up the fact that you suspect that I am muslim, let me now clarify- yes, it's true-the poster is a bomb toting, Allahu shouting crack pot (that's how you see me, isn't it)- happy?

 

Now, if we could get back to the matter at hand and I'll deal with your blatant racist attitudes later.

 

All of you mention that I should mind my own business, let's say now that I ignore everything else and let bygones be bygones. Can any one of you on here really sit here and tell me that I am completely unjustified in being just a little pissed when my sister in law tells her kids that because I am not fully blood related, they should be weary of me? This is the main issue here that brought me on here in the first place.

 

Does that sound like a person who is completely loving and completely blameless? I am sure most of you would reply back, yes. She was completely within in her rights to tell her kids that because someone is not a full blood relation they should not love them as much and that only her brother and her parents and my father and their biological grandmother should be trusted? Again, I am sure most of you would reply back yes.

 

Brainygirl, I really don't know what type of muslims you have had experiences of but I can tell you not all of us are like that. Arabs, I grant you can be really bad but since I don't know all Arabs I shouldn't generalise and neither should you. Also you mention that I can't be convinced that I am wrong and I suspect that neither can I convince you that not all muslims are bad or as bad as the ones that you lived near.

 

Some Muslims (and the media won't portray these muslims) wear the same clothes as you, eat the same food as you, listen to the same music as you even watch the same movies as you....see where I am going with this? In short, they really aren't that different to you!

 

I was born and raised in London, I don't wear a burqa, I don't condone any extremist muslims and yet all you guys can see here is some traditionalist muslim nut job.

 

Like you said, her religion, her choice but why convert and then make snide comments? Keep your old faith but at least try to learn if not practice what you have converted to. Did Charlotte not convert to Judaism for Harry in Sex and the City? (I know movie reference, not real life) No one forced her to convert, it was a choice for her to make. I don't view my faith as being any better to anyone else's so please for those of you who have said that "muslims view their faith as being superior" you should refrain from making such sweeping generalisations, it's like saying that all American's are fat.

 

Maybe I am at fault for seeing her shortcomings but she doesn't endear herself to me by trying to turn her children against me.

 

So perhaps some of you should actually read the post again and think on how you would feel if YOUR sister in law was telling her children, that you had always been kind to, that because you aren't a full blood relation that you can't possible be loved or trusted as much. None of you mention this in your replies. I bet that not one of you can say you wouldn't be hurt. And if she was so loving and welcoming then she would explain to her kids that despite being a half relation, it shouldn't matter about that so long as someone loves you implicitly.

 

I don't care what religion you are. Your family seeks to deny relationships from children to their other family members, be it religious based or not. Its awful unless the person being denied is known to cause physical harm to kids. I know it wasn't done by your request. And seeing as it happened long before you were born, you probably don't even know all the real reasons why your bother was kept from his mom. You know only what YOUR parents told you.

 

How does that sit with you? Knowing whatever you were TOLD about your brothers bio-mom might not be the real story? Do you care? Do you not care? If you don't care - why?

And now you're stunned that your sister in law has chosen to tell her kids something you don't agree with and something that, for all you know, your brother supports. Sounds to me like she is just practicing the standards your family upholds. Only it isn't going your way.

 

Yes she converted; your family required it of her for her and your brother to do as they wanted. And she did it to whatever level your brother finds acceptable for 13 years now. Since she didn't convert for you or your parents, I'm not sure why the three of you get to scrutinize how well or to what level she practices the faith she was goaded to convert into.

 

Many different religions out there and I'm no expert on quite a few of them. But it seems to me that if a group of people want someone to convert to their faith, they ought to seal the deal. You accept them, show them support, be gracious as they learn the practice and help them feel welcome. Especially if they were given no other option but to convert because if you don't, the conversion will only be for show.

[snoodlebug]

She didn't say that her family was the kids "real" family to me. She told the kids this and the kids told me. Let me clarify that she never said a word about any of this to me instead she said this to the kids who in turn accidently told me.

 

And could we stop focusing on the religion thing. This has nothing to do with religion, I mentioned the faith thing because it was one thing that I couldn't understand about her. This would be happening whether I was religious or not.

 

The other stuff I mentioned has nothing to do with religion. Her not passing on my messages to my brother, nothing to do with religion. The fact that she didn't let my brother attend my graduation- not about religion, her taking the holiday- not about religion, her not letting the kids take my gifts-not about religion. Her making snarky comments about my love life- not about religion, her saying that I am not her kids real family- not about religion.

 

You all mention that she has picked up on the vibe that we don't welcome her but has it ever occured to any of you that she has never seen us as her family or bothered to try and make us feel welcome? THe odd times I would go to her house (when she was living in the UK) she would make me feel super unwelcome and even suggest that since I had been there for 5 mins I should be on my way. It's a two way street you know. I was 11 when she and big bro got married and she is 14 years older than me, she should at least know a little better. It can't always be my fault.

[linwood]

Yet another example of religion creating unnecessary walls between people.

 

One of the many reasons I have nothing to do with it.

 

As to your main question about your SIL telling her kids to be wary of you I seriously don`t blame her.

 

If you think she can`t tell you dislike her you`re wrong.

 

I`d tell my kids the same thing about any family member who thought so little of me over such smug trivial matters.

[Angel1111]

...Today I had to drive my sister in law and my neices to my uncle and aunt's houses because they are here on holiday and they leave in the next few days (my brother and his family live in Dubai) and the entire journey to both houses was filled with her listing all the problems in my father's family e.g his freeloading brothers etc. and how her parents and her family are so much better than my parents and then she proceeded to lecture me on how I should "keep my parents in line." It was so bloody disrespectful of her especially when I think about how kind my parents are to her even though she doesn't deserve it most of the time and all because they want to keep a smooth relationship with her for my brother's sake.

 

The above is what I was referring to - particularly the thing about how her parents are better than yours. Huh? I would've said something.

 

I agree that she sounds like she has an attitude. I guess the tone was set when you criticized such simple things. I do think religion plays into this more than you realize. The biggest thing that I can see here is that there is no honesty in your family. The secrets are creating real problems.

[sally4sara]

I wouldn't want someone who inspects and judges my house keeping levels as a character flaw in comparison to their own being in my house for long either. I wouldn't want to deal with that while trying to enjoy my vacation either.

 

The not passing on phone calls - that does make me wonder something along with the rest.

 

Is is possible, that the standards of your family in many different ways (not just religion) are not your brother's standards when none of you are around?

He didn't refrain from getting to know his mom.

He chose a girl of a different faith.

I'm sure he has a say in how the kids are dressed and the house is kept.

 

So maybe he has to be very different around you and your parents than he is when you're not around. Who he is in your absence is probably the man she knows and loves. This could be his failing and it is part of the angst. She would end up viewing you and your folks as meddling and oppressive and not like to see how different he acts. She might seek to diminish the instances where he has to pretend because it causes a lack of respect.

 

When I was a young kid, I was very aware of how different my mother was around her own parents from how she was at our home. It made it very hard for me to have a good level of respect for her instruction because I knew she couldn't have been so resolved about it and then turn around and sing a different tune in front of others. It is fake. Maybe this is behind the divide and you're just more comfortable blaming her rather than your brother for his part.

 

And your graduation is pretty on par with her brother's engagement party. Maybe it was a coin toss and you lost. Either way, your brother decided which he would do and you still seek to blame the sister in law. Why should she want you in her home knowing anything you don't like will get blamed on her?

[RedDevil66]

Sally4sara, my dad took away my brother because the courts gave him that right because she was, back then, an unfit mother. She apparently cheated on my dad and would leave my brother alone in the house while she would go out with her boyfriend. .

 

The key word being apparently!

yeah, and I am SURE the muslim courts were fair to a women suspected of cheating. The court probably went on your Dad's word alone, since the males word is golden amongst muslim men! This is why muslim women are stoned to death for APPARENTLY cheating on their spouse.

 

And really, did anyone say the words bomb or terrorist when referring to the muslim religion. You did! no one else!

People are not that ignorant to know not all muslims wear niqabs and are hate mongers. Two of my closest friends are from Iraq and Lebanon. But thank GOD they were not raised with hate and love everyone!

 

In my opinion, you seem like a spoiled little girl who listened to the hate from your parents.

Get out there and see there are MANY ways to live life and not just your way

So what, she's hindu and she didn't want to follow your religion.

 

Like I said above, focus on your own shortcomings and maturity

.

[snoodlebug]

A smug trivial matter? Really, is that how you see it? So you can understand the devisive nature of religion yet you can't see the same for having genes iin common. So, if her main problem was religion then why would she not tell her kids to be wary of their father or their grandfather, who practice their faith? Why is it just me and my mum? It's because we aren't full blooded relations, which is her main problem with me.

 

So you would tell your kids that they should steer clear of someone not because of their religion but because of the issue of genes?

 

I don't think so somehow. Most of you on here amaze me by using religion as being the main reason that things are wrong between us. Perhaps if we were atheists you would swiftly change your tune and say it's because we don't have a core belief system that we have these problems. As I have said MANY MANY times. RELIGION IS NOT THE ISSUE!!!!!!!!!

 

But since you all want it to be..... No, she was not forced to convert and we offered her much support by way of learning but she didn't want it. She wanted to convert in name and still practice her faith of choice and I find that insulting to both the religion you are converting to and the one you actually believe in.

 

The only thing I wanted I wanted to know about on here was whether you laid importance on being a full blooded relation. e.g would you love one person more because he/she was genetically related to you more than one who only had half the genes in common or was even adopted etc?

[norajane]

My brother would not want my father to know because of the hurt his biological mother put him and my brother through, he wouldn't want my mum to know because it would hurt her a little as well. As for me, he wouldn't want me to know because he still believes that I don't know that we are half siblings since he thinks that I believed him when he said Dad was joking. I know for a fact that my brother would never condone his wife telling their kids that we aren't their "real" anything.

 

I guess in your eyes I am being petty and irrational and maybe for the other stuff I am but this really hurt me to know that she has been telling little kids that we aren't "their blood" to quote my 6 year old neice.

 

If you're really looking for an answer here, the first thing you need to do is sit down with your brother and tell him that you know he's your half-brother and this does not bother you. And that you know he visits his bio-mom and that this also does not bother you.

 

That eliminates a big so-called secret between you that does not need to be there! Why have you not told him this already? Certainly, it would put his mind at ease to know that he doesn't have to tip-toe around you like he thinks he does with your mom and dad. Your mother should also have that conversation with him so he knows that she does not mind that he visits his bio-mom. Why are you all so invested in these secrets when there is actually no reason to have them?

 

After that, all you need to do is make sure the kids know that you love them. If they mention it, or ask questions, you can be open and explain that yes, their daddy and you have different mothers and the same father, so that makes you half-siblings. And that's why they have both bio-grandma and grandma. And that only means there are more people to love them and give them birthday presents. The kids have minds of their own and will grow up to see who is "real" family...the people who love them and are honest with them and who care about them throughout their lives.

 

The rest...well...your brother doesn't seem to have a problem with her religion, nor to what degree she practices or doesn't practice your religion, nor whatever else she is doing that seems to bother you. Apparently, neither do your parents. So let it go. You'll be a happier person if you don't make this YOUR problem when it isn't.

[snoodlebug]

Red Devil, what the hell are you talking about?!

 

"yeah, and I am SURE the muslim courts were fair to a women suspected of cheating. The court probably went on your Dad's word alone, since the males word is golden amongst muslim men! This is why muslim women are stoned to death for APPARENTLY cheating on their spouse."

 

I don't really know if you intentionally being religiously ignorant (and racist) or it's just the way you were raised. But you can't talk to me about stereotypes and religion when you make comments like the one above.

 

What muslim court? My dad was in a UK court and I am sure that they didn't take into account his religious background but based it more on facts, like whether he was the more suitable parent and she (his former wife) admitted that she had been unfaithful and relinquished all ties to her son, did the court force her to do that too? As for those saying that I am going on heresay, my dad has a folder full of old documents, which I happened to come across with his old divorce papers. If I didn't trust the word of my parents then at least I have the paper as my proof. So are you now going to say that UK courts also go on the word of muslim men and that because his previous wife cheated they sentenced her to being stoned to death? Because I can assure you they don't and she is alive and well.

 

Please at least make intelligent replies and do not speak of things that you obviously have no knowledge of.