amerikajin Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I've already posted about me and my girlfriend. Well, now she's my ex-girlfriend. Just got off the phone with her, in fact. I'd been feeling a little flat with regard to our relationship over the last six weeks, actually. I thought she had become to clingy and I was generally beginning to see that she didn't spark my interest as she once did. It was like we just ran out of things to say and the last few weeks we were just going through the motions. I probably could have dated her indefinitely, but things came to a head last weekend. I called her on Saturday and she told me she was sending me an email and that she didn't want to talk. Then I called her on Sunday, and though she was willing to talk, she seemed distant. I asked her if everything was okay and she said "Yes, everything's okay." So, we got off the phone, and then about an hour later I got a call from her telling me she wanted to talk. She said she wanted me to start showing more love and passion to her and all that. I'm not exactly sure what she meant by it, but anyway, she said maybe we should just be friends. I told her I could continue dating as we have been, but I didn't want to take it any further. She told me to take a few days to think about it. Well, I did, and I've come to the conclusion she wants more than what I'm willing to give her. I guess she helped me make my decision. I feel bad, though. She's a sweet, sweet woman, and I know I've probably made her a little gunshy. I hate feeling like such a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Sometimes it just has to be done. I did my first real break up a few weeks ago, it was just after a month, we'd only had five dates, if that, and she was already saying how she was in love with me, which freaked me the hell out, and I had to cancel plans because my friend was dumped by his girlfriend and he was SEVERELY depressed and I wanted to hang out with him and make him feel better and she was like, "I don't get why you'd do that! We had plans! So what if your friend is depressed? What if he called you at work and said he was going to kill himself? What, would you just leave work too?" and I said, "Hell yes I would!" That just hit me so hard, that she couldn't understand why I broke the plans. Made it pretty easy to end it with her. Told her I didn't want to see her anymore. She said, "Whatever." Then a week later, she calls and leaves a message while I'm out, "Hey, I really want to see you, I miss you so much." PSYCHO! Link to post Share on other sites
DonTomaso Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Amerikajin... isn't it wierd how the flame kind of burns out like that. I don't know how old you are, but to me it seems that young people, myself included, are looking for the perfect relationship that is exciting and intense. The fact is that all relationships change and the flame withers. I am dating someone right now and it is not near as intense as past relationships, but there is something nice about it... I still have my own space and my own life. I won't be suprised with myself if I eventually end it for the same reasons you did though... I wonder how many times we need to go through heartbreak before we realize that the relationships where the companionship is wonderful exceeds those relationships that are super intense. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I think you did the admirable thing. I know its difficult to put closure on a relationship when the other person isn't ready to let go yet. But any pain you may have caused is minimal compared to the damage that would have resulted if you continued to string things along when your heart wasn't there. By being an adult and giving her at least some closure, you have shown that you respected her as a person. She'll come to understand this eventually, and after nursing her wounds, will live to love another day. And so will you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author amerikajin Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 I've wondered if I'm not "commitmentphobic". I'm just so confused about real relationships. Dating's the easy part; it's deciding what I want and what actually constitutes a good relationship that I find difficult. It seems like I have all these bulls*** excuses for not committing, but then I later wonder about the wisdom of my holding out for a more rewarding experience (I've been rejected along the way myself). The ex fiancee is the only woman I've ever thrown my heart to. We broke up (mutually) and I've been struggling to find something that even comes close. I wonder if love is really that rare or if I'm just emotionally shutting that part of myself down and not giving others a fair chance. I keep thinking that there's someone out there who can ignite that fire again, but I haven't yet found her. Link to post Share on other sites
DonTomaso Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I'm the exact same way as you amerikajin. I wonder about my fear of commitment as well. I have only thrown my heart into one relationship, but that relationship was always doomed because she was leaving the country about 1 year after we started dating... I feel like I always had a way out of the relationship and was thus able to put my heart into it... At least that's how I rationalize it to myself. There are some people that fall in and out of love and there are some that don't... I guess I'm happy to be part of the latter category... at least I'll know my love is real when I finally feel it.........I hope... ha!!! Why did you and your fiancee decide to end it? How long ago did you date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amerikajin Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 >>>Why did you and your fiancee decide to end it? How long ago did you date?<<< We dated for 25 months, 19 of which were long distance. We lived together for the final six months. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why we failed. I can tell you my perspective only (I'm sure she has hers, to which she's entitled). From my point of view, I look back at it and see that I wasn't ready to live with her, and added to that, I had also put myself in the position of being an instant father (a son from her first marriage). Interestingly enough, I remember having a phone conversation with her telling her I was uneasy about the idea of moving in together, and she had no problems with our living separately. I don't know...I think we let our passion cloud our judgment. I was mature in some ways, but immature in others. I was a hothead sometimes and panicked a lot once confronted with the pressures of family life. Losing my job three months after we moved in didn't help, either. I totally began to lose confidence in myself and I began to question the whole decision to move in with her. I suddenly found myself in over my head, and I didn't handle it too well. She was part of the problem, too. I thought she was too damn proud of herself. She always had to have the last word in any argument. I didn't mind the fact that she disagreed with me on some things, but she could never agree to disagree. There was "wrong" and "right" and nowhere in between, and I got sick of dealing with it. I also got sick of trying to work my life around her insecurities. As I was unemployed she'd tell me right after coming home from an interview "I don't know if that's a good job for you". Her idea of the perfect husband was the guy who was home for dinner every night at six o'clock, which isn't always easy in this day and age of flexible hours, commuting and overtime. I think I just felt like I was a sinking rock and that she wasn't making an effort to help me. I didn't expect her to be a mother or miracle worker, but I was the one who moved three states and gave up a nice job to be with her. She even admitted herself that she wasn't being supportive of me. There's to it more than I can fit into this page, really. We both made mistakes. Can't say who was more at fault. I'm just hoping I don't screw up like that again. The whole break-up was excrutiating - more than I care to recall. Link to post Share on other sites
DonTomaso Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Sounds rough... I guess the truth of the matter is that there is always a lot more to a relationship than the exciting first stages. Life is too complicated to have the magical beginnings last forever. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I wouldn't consider you or anyone a "commitmentphobic" just because they were cautious about settling into long-term relationships. I think you are keenly aware of your limitations and expectations, and are at least respectful enough of your partners not to make promises you know you may not be able to keep. That (to me) shows an amazing strength of character, self-awareness, and general over-all respect for other people. Qualities that are so rare these days. As long as you are "unsure" of what exactly you are looking for, it wouldn't do you or anyone much good if you were to ‘settle,’ only to become disappointed later on. I know many people who have lived their entire lives single and are well adjusted. They prefer serial monogamy with many different partners throughout their lives than a single life-long commitment to just one. I think it all depends on what an individual is looking for. If you enjoy the intensity of emotions that are common during the first few years of a new relationship; the passion, the sexual fervor and adrenalin rush that goes with…then it is best not to commit to any one partner indefinitely. However, some people prefer the comfort and security that a matured relationship provides. That feeling of “connectedness” to someone you have grown to know and understand as deeply as you know yourself. While the sexual lust has lessoned in its frequency and intensity, the act of making love itself becomes one of a deeper emotional bonding that helps keep a couple “connected.” I would describe it as being more peaceful, comfortable and more gratifying spiritually than physically. Unfortunately, it is rare to have the best of both worlds in one relationship. Since all relationships eventually mature and evolve, its best to know which kind of relationship you fair best in. Its and either/or situation, and the later requires far more work and dedication than many people care to invest. And I believe a “commitmentphobic” is simply smart enough to know their own limitations. Link to post Share on other sites
DonTomaso Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Enigma... well said. Link to post Share on other sites
bicylejunk Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Nobody is the same. It's unfair to compare your new loves with old loves, everybody is different. In my situation, it only got better with girls I dated til i finally found "The" girl for me, Now my ex-girl. I believe Love is Rare. BUT, if you really don't find anything "real" in terms of love and those types of feeling for this girl, It's not your fault. I mean you know what you want froma girl. You shouldn;t compare her to your ex-fiance though. everyone is different. I truly know that there will never be another like my ex, who I still love. She's so unique. So i'm dreading having to really get over here and find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
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