Devastated After Phone Call From xMM :'(

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

So he called...I answered...

 

I have many questions that I want answered after the 15 months of NC after he was meant to be flying me out to an exotic city to live with him and start a new life, then he dropped off the radar. So before telling him that I am now engaged to an American I ask him what I need to know.

 

His intentions for contacting me are because it feels like unfinished business, he is still very unhappily married, he feels in his heart that he wants to leave her but needs to find the willpower, plus at least a 3 hour window where no one will be home so he can move all his stuff out (impossible when you have a wife and 4 kids, he is hardly ever alone). He apparently cannot make the decision without meeting me first as we have gone so long without actually seeing each other that he wants to make sure the chemistry is still there, he cannot assume we will still be attracted to one another based on emails/phone calls. If we meet and it all feels right he said he would like us to have a relationship.

 

I tell him I am now engaged and immigrating to the States next year and burst into tears as I realise we have missed our chance of ever being together - this time for good. As soon as I tell him the news he backs straight off telling me to go for it and be happy, and if anything changes then I have his email address.

 

I am in absolute pieces right now and spiralling into a depression. I hate myself so much as I have a great fiance who is everything I ever dreamed of, but if this isn't enough to move me on from MM then I don't know what is. Just don't know where to go from here. I cant stop crying, I sent him an email last night explaining how I felt and how much he meant to me, not heard anything back and not sure I ever will.

 

Why did he not try to fight to win me when I told him I am engaged? I didn't expect him to back straight off like that, I am just so upset.

 

Please can no one be harsh with me - I know I am a disgrace for thinking this way when I should be happily engaged to my new man, I wish I could snap out of this. All the regulars who know me on here will be frustrated by this post but at least I am being honest.

[whichwayisup]

One thing is for sure...You're nowhere ready to get married to the guy you're engaged to. Fact that you're upset that your exMM didn't fight for you, to try to win you back (when he's STILL married and isn't ever going to leave his wife and FOUR kids) just shows how much you are not over him.

 

Ask yourself this. How much of this is ego and how much of it truly is because you're inlove with the MM? Don't have to answer here, this is something you need to search inside of you.

 

How often has MM crossed your mind in the past 15 months? Even when you're with your current guy, has MM been in your head? Again, all questions you dont' have to answer here but stuff you need to think about.

 

Also, how fair is it to marry a man whom in your heart seems to be second? He seems like a decent man who treats you well and loves you, but if you were willing to throw away what you have with him for the MM, time to end it with the current guy...

[White Flower]

So he called...I answered...

 

I have many questions that I want answered after the 15 months of NC after he was meant to be flying me out to an exotic city to live with him and start a new life, then he dropped off the radar. So before telling him that I am now engaged to an American I ask him what I need to know.

 

His intentions for contacting me are because it feels like unfinished business, he is still very unhappily married, he feels in his heart that he wants to leave her but needs to find the willpower, plus at least a 3 hour window where no one will be home so he can move all his stuff out (impossible when you have a wife and 4 kids, he is hardly ever alone). He apparently cannot make the decision without meeting me first as we have gone so long without actually seeing each other that he wants to make sure the chemistry is still there, he cannot assume we will still be attracted to one another based on emails/phone calls. If we meet and it all feels right he said he would like us to have a relationship.

 

I tell him I am now engaged and immigrating to the States next year and burst into tears as I realise we have missed our chance of ever being together - this time for good. As soon as I tell him the news he backs straight off telling me to go for it and be happy, and if anything changes then I have his email address.

 

I am in absolute pieces right now and spiralling into a depression. I hate myself so much as I have a great fiance who is everything I ever dreamed of, but if this isn't enough to move me on from MM then I don't know what is. Just don't know where to go from here. I cant stop crying, I sent him an email last night explaining how I felt and how much he meant to me, not heard anything back and not sure I ever will.

 

Why did he not try to fight to win me when I told him I am engaged? I didn't expect him to back straight off like that, I am just so upset.

 

Please can no one be harsh with me - I know I am a disgrace for thinking this way when I should be happily engaged to my new man, I wish I could snap out of this. All the regulars who know me on here will be frustrated by this post but at least I am being honest.

Sweetie,

 

I'm not going to bash you. But I will help you see that you should marry this fiancé. You were hoping he would be enough to replace the love you lost in MM but found out during the call, and how easily MM found it to let you go, that he isn't.

 

You wanted the engagement to force MM to fight for you. Not fair to your fiancé, and not fair to you either. You simply need to mourn until you're completely over it.

 

THEN find somebody new and deserving of your love. Your fiancé is also deserving of a woman who doesn't hold any love in her heart for a past love.

 

I'm sorry MM was a pissant. What a jerk. But I'm glad you sucker-punched him because he deserves it after making you wait in his silence all this time.

 

Hugs to you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not frustrated with you, I'm sad for you.. So much power the MM still has over after so much time in NC. 15 months is a long time and in less than 3 days you're sucked back in.

 

Start by being honest with your fiancee. He needs to know what you're feeling inside and how confused you are. You *may* lose him, but I think deep down you know you probably will anyway.. If MM called you in a month from now telling you "I've moved out, and divorced, I have proof. Come see me.." You'd be with him in a flash.. All the more reason to be upfront and honest with your guy now.

[jwi71]

Sweetie,

 

I'm not going to bash you. But I will help you see that you should marry this fiancé. You were hoping he would be enough to replace the love you lost in MM but found out during the call, and how easily MM found it to let you go, that he isn't.

 

You wanted the engagement to force MM to fight for you. Not fair to your fiancé, and not fair to you either. You simply need to mourn until you're completely over it.

 

THEN find somebody new and deserving of your love. Your fiancé is also deserving of a woman who doesn't hold any love in her heart for a past love.

 

I'm sorry MM was a pissant. What a jerk. But I'm glad you sucker-punched him because he deserves it after making you wait in his silence all this time.

 

Hugs to you.

 

I sure hope you meant "should NOT marry this fiance"

 

IF that is what you meant to say, I agree.

 

End the engagement - its fair to no one.

[fooled once]

So he called...I answered...

 

I have many questions that I want answered after the 15 months of NC after he was meant to be flying me out to an exotic city to live with him and start a new life, then he dropped off the radar. So before telling him that I am now engaged to an American I ask him what I need to know.

 

His intentions for contacting me are because it feels like unfinished business, he is still very unhappily married, he feels in his heart that he wants to leave her but needs to find the willpower, plus at least a 3 hour window where no one will be home so he can move all his stuff out (impossible when you have a wife and 4 kids, he is hardly ever alone). He apparently cannot make the decision without meeting me first as we have gone so long without actually seeing each other that he wants to make sure the chemistry is still there, he cannot assume we will still be attracted to one another based on emails/phone calls. If we meet and it all feels right he said he would like us to have a relationship.

 

I tell him I am now engaged and immigrating to the States next year and burst into tears as I realise we have missed our chance of ever being together - this time for good. As soon as I tell him the news he backs straight off telling me to go for it and be happy, and if anything changes then I have his email address.

 

I am in absolute pieces right now and spiralling into a depression. I hate myself so much as I have a great fiance who is everything I ever dreamed of, but if this isn't enough to move me on from MM then I don't know what is. Just don't know where to go from here. I cant stop crying, I sent him an email last night explaining how I felt and how much he meant to me, not heard anything back and not sure I ever will.

 

Why did he not try to fight to win me when I told him I am engaged? I didn't expect him to back straight off like that, I am just so upset.

 

Please can no one be harsh with me - I know I am a disgrace for thinking this way when I should be happily engaged to my new man, I wish I could snap out of this. All the regulars who know me on here will be frustrated by this post but at least I am being honest.

 

This is exactly why I said you shoudln't answer his call.

 

What you aren't getting is he is USING you - he is once again promising you all this stuff, and as his usual routine, he will NOT follow through.

 

You got yourself all excited thinking he wanted YOU back -- but if he really cared about you, there would not have been 15 months of no contact. I can't believe you really believed his whole bull sh*t excuse for not contacting you sooner! I can't believe you are that naive (or desperate) that you would think it was really YOU he wanted. Why can't you see this?

 

You need to break it off with your fiance. It is UNFAIR to him for you to still be in love with the MM and start a life with him. You need to be open and honest with the fiance.

 

And when he breaks it off with you, you will sit, alone, waiting for the MM to come to you because for some reason, you truly believe he will. But he won't. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you for YOU -- he wanted a safe place to "run away" to. What a coward he is -- to sneak away from his children like that. What an utter, pathetic coward.

 

But for some reason, you still love him and believe in him.

[fooled once]

I also want to say -- I wonder what you said in the email to the MM?

 

Did you say you were upset he didn't fight for you? Did you tell him you still love him and want to be with him?

 

Did you tell him anything besides "never contact me again"?

 

Right there, that should tell you your true feelings for your fiance.

[whichwayisup]

H, go back and re-read every single post/thread you've made about him on LS. I think you've forgotten the anger, the hurt and pain you went through, thanks to him.

 

Take care of you and go spend a weekend with your women friends. Sounds like you need a pamperin' (aka massage, facial, pedicure, manicure, haircut, sit in a hottub..) to help unwind and take your mind off of things.

[lolalove]

Are you willing to throw away the man who's everything you've ever wanted for a married man who wishes you well and doesn't see the need in fighting for you? Also, what makes you think if you got back together with xMM that you wouldn't miss the one who is "everything you ever dreamed of ?" I've been there before. You have to make a choice before you are married. When you've got a good man, cherish him. If you choose to keep pining away for xMM, you may live to regret it. My advice would be to start NC again and move on... JMHO. Sorry you're going through this.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey guys

 

Thanks for all the feedback so far, it is nice to have you all to talk to about this as I am just sitting in bed crying about this tonight.

 

My fiance knows how I am feeling, I am an honest person and cannot stand hiding things - he is surprisingly cool with it though. He says he understands why there is still love in my heart for this man due to circumstances, he said it is not affecting how he feels for me and our engagement, he wants to be there for me. He is actually in Iraq right now so we are limited to when/how we communicate so it is not easy trying to talk about this to him anyway, I don't think he quite understands what I am going through.

 

I cannot trust that MM would follow through with his promises of leaving his wife anyway as he has let me down so many times before, if I was single and still felt this way then I would date him for a few months (if I had the genuine opportunity) before getting too heavy anyway - just to make sure he was not going to suddenly disappear on me again.

[jthorne]

I won't bash you, but I will say that if you can't show your fiancé the email you wrote to MM, then you shouldn't marry him. You're emotionally cheating on your fiancé with MM even before you marry him. (I won't call him xMM because it's obviously not over.)

 

I hope you realize that MM was just fishing.

[fooled once]

Hey guys

 

Thanks for all the feedback so far, it is nice to have you all to talk to about this as I am just sitting in bed crying about this tonight.

 

My fiance knows how I am feeling, I am an honest person and cannot stand hiding things - he is surprisingly cool with it though. He says he understands why there is still love in my heart for this man due to circumstances, he said it is not affecting how he feels for me and our engagement, he wants to be there for me. He is actually in Iraq right now so we are limited to when/how we communicate so it is not easy trying to talk about this to him anyway, I don't think he quite understands what I am going through.

 

I cannot trust that MM would follow through with his promises of leaving his wife anyway as he has let me down so many times before, if I was single and still felt this way then I would date him for a few months (if I had the genuine opportunity) before getting too heavy anyway - just to make sure he was not going to suddenly disappear on me again.

 

Wait -- didn't you say on the other thread that your fiance doesn't know this guy is MARRIED with 4 kids? Did you tell him all the games the MM has played with you?

 

I am just stunned that you are even THINKING of something like this. Genuine opportunity to date this lying jerk? Really??? And you think he won't disappear if he ever showed up? Has he ever, every in the last 2 years followed through on ANYTHING???? No. He gives you hope and dashes it each and every time. He is more unrealiable than the weather man.

 

Have you met your fiance? How long is he in Iraq for? I take it he is a US citizen and you will become one by marrying him??

[jthorne]

How serious is this engagement? If your fiancé is in another country, and is "surprisingly cool" about you having feelings for another man, that's a HUGE red flag for me.

[jj33]

Do you remember how upset you were?

 

Do you remember how you almost lost your job?

 

Do you remember how you went through a MAJOR depression over his behavior?

 

Do you remember when he moved his family half way around the world without telling you?

 

Do you remember when he called you about coming there and then left you hanging and DIDNT CALL FOR 15 months?

 

How many times does this guy get to sh*t all over you before you STOP taking his calls and simply BLOCK him out of your life?

 

Heartbroken you have lost NOTHING other than the fantasy that you are unable to shut out of your mind.

 

Im sorry that you havent been able to see that yet. Are you still in IC? If not I think you should go back.

 

He may have loved you but not all love is healthy. This man is beyond toxic. He is a bad bad man. You need to do whatever it takes to get counselling so that you can see that you can not allow people like him into your life and that when someone treats you like that, love is no longer the issue, you shut them out ENTIRELY.

 

Take good care

[BB07]

So he called...I answered...

 

I have many questions that I want answered after the 15 months of NC after he was meant to be flying me out to an exotic city to live with him and start a new life, then he dropped off the radar. So before telling him that I am now engaged to an American I ask him what I need to know.

 

You asked him questions in your email to him, right? You let him know that you still had feelings for him, right?

 

His intentions for contacting me are because it feels like unfinished business, he is still very unhappily married, he feels in his heart that he wants to leave her but needs to find the willpower, plus at least a 3 hour window where no one will be home so he can move all his stuff out (impossible when you have a wife and 4 kids, he is hardly ever alone). He apparently cannot make the decision without meeting me first as we have gone so long without actually seeing each other that he wants to make sure the chemistry is still there, he cannot assume we will still be attracted to one another based on emails/phone calls. If we meet and it all feels right he said he would like us to have a relationship.

 

You showed him that you had a crack in your armour and he has taken advantage of it, he wanted to see how far you would go, he wanted to test you? Find out if you still had feelings for him. He succeeded I'm afraid to say.

 

That stuff about him wanting to see you, he just wants to further test you and pull you back in. He is promising you nothing, saying IF he still feels that connection......talk about a con job.

 

I tell him I am now engaged and immigrating to the States next year and burst into tears as I realise we have missed our chance of ever being together - this time for good. As soon as I tell him the news he backs straight off telling me to go for it and be happy, and if anything changes then I have his email address.

 

The reason he backed off so quickly is because he accomplished what he wanted to, he still gets to you and it fed his ego.

 

I am in absolute pieces right now and spiralling into a depression. I hate myself so much as I have a great fiance who is everything I ever dreamed of, but if this isn't enough to move me on from MM then I don't know what is. Just don't know where to go from here. I cant stop crying, I sent him an email last night explaining how I felt and how much he meant to me, not heard anything back and not sure I ever will.

 

Why did he not try to fight to win me when I told him I am engaged? I didn't expect him to back straight off like that, I am just so upset.

 

He isn't fighting for you now....just testing the waters.

 

Please can no one be harsh with me - I know I am a disgrace for thinking this way when I should be happily engaged to my new man, I wish I could snap out of this. All the regulars who know me on here will be frustrated by this post but at least I am being honest.

 

I'm sorry that he got you all upset, try to calm down. Keep the lines of your communication open with your engaged guy. Tell him how you really are feeling. You will see clearer in a day or two, and realize what he was doing was just a game. Hugs....

 

And......I know I'm probably the last person that should be commenting on this thread with my current situation, but isn't it strange how you can see someone else's situation a lot more clearly than your own. Just call me crazy.....

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

One thing is for sure...You're nowhere ready to get married to the guy you're engaged to. Fact that you're upset that your exMM didn't fight for you, to try to win you back (when he's STILL married and isn't ever going to leave his wife and FOUR kids) just shows how much you are not over him.

 

Ask yourself this. How much of this is ego and how much of it truly is because you're inlove with the MM? Don't have to answer here, this is something you need to search inside of you.

 

How often has MM crossed your mind in the past 15 months? Even when you're with your current guy, has MM been in your head? Again, all questions you dont' have to answer here but stuff you need to think about.

 

 

Also, how fair is it to marry a man whom in your heart seems to be second? He seems like a decent man who treats you well and loves you, but if you were willing to throw away what you have with him for the MM, time to end it with the current guy...

 

 

My fiance is in Iraq until May next year anyway, we are planning on getting married next summer, hopefully by then this will have sorted itself out.

 

It is not an ego thing, I really did love MM more than I ever loved anyone, and due to lack of closure the feelings never truly went away. I have thought of him daily over the last 15 months. Every single day. But the longer he remained silent, the more I realised I would have to start trying to move on - so I let the new man persue me who was very keen from the start, we met online and he flew to the UK to meet me, he has also flown me to the States a couple of times, then he went to Iraq. He is a wonderful man and I do love him, he is head over heels with me too - I would be a fool to let him go. It would devastate me to lose him, although this is painful too.

[jj33]

Heartbroken how well do you really know your fiance?

 

With all due respect you seem very ready to throw in your life for a man and to move to another country with very little evidence that its the right thing to do.

 

Have you only met him 4x? And you are engaged? And you are in love with someone else (xMM).

 

You need to really think about this. Life takes unexpected paths sometimes, but you need to make sure its YOUR path and you are not just looking to escape your life.

 

Your fiance is from another country, where you will not know anyone. You will be in another culture. Where will you be living? On an army base? are you prepared for that?

 

Be very sure you are doing what is right for you.

[Tayla]

Pardons for not going back to read of the circumstances that created the NC for 15 months.

I do know this, you are no where near ready for matrimony. Take this as a sign of prevention.

 

THE MM did NOT create your emotions, they are yours to own and resolve. THE MM doesn't deserve bashing nor do you, you both went into the former liason fully armed and ready for the BS Drama that comes with the territory.

 

I sincerely feel sorry that any lady wants someone to FIGHT for her (win her back)...what a manipulating thing to desire.....Love doesn't fight or ask to be won..it gives freely...Learn that and then you can be the loving wife to the man of your dreams....I think the MM did freely let you go ...Move on and grow..it will serve you well....

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Wait -- didn't you say on the other thread that your fiance doesn't know this guy is MARRIED with 4 kids? Did you tell him all the games the MM has played with you?

 

I am just stunned that you are even THINKING of something like this. Genuine opportunity to date this lying jerk? Really??? And you think he won't disappear if he ever showed up? Has he ever, every in the last 2 years followed through on ANYTHING???? No. He gives you hope and dashes it each and every time. He is more unrealiable than the weather man.

 

Have you met your fiance? How long is he in Iraq for? I take it he is a US citizen and you will become one by marrying him??

 

Fiance knows about the situation minus the details of him being a 50 year old married man with 4 kids, like I said before - once finance knew that I had been badly hurt by this man in the past he couldn't bear to hear anymore about it as I am precious to him and the thought of someone hurting me is too much for him to take.

 

Yes fiance has flown to UK twice to meet me, and flown me to the States twice and I have met all his fam & friends, he is in Iraq until next May and yes he is a US citizen and I will immigrate next year.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'm not frustrated with you, I'm sad for you.. So much power the MM still has over after so much time in NC. 15 months is a long time and in less than 3 days you're sucked back in.

 

I know, I feel he has me under a spell sometimes.

 

It had been 15 months of zero contact at all, but last time I actually saw him face to face was July 2008!

 

I just don't believe it.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

How serious is this engagement? If your fiancé is in another country, and is "surprisingly cool" about you having feelings for another man, that's a HUGE red flag for me.

 

Can you elaborate what you mean by this? Thanks.

[GreenEyedLady]

So he called...I answered...

 

I have many questions that I want answered after the 15 months of NC after he was meant to be flying me out to an exotic city to live with him and start a new life, then he dropped off the radar. So before telling him that I am now engaged to an American I ask him what I need to know.

 

His intentions for contacting me are because it feels like unfinished business, he is still very unhappily married, he feels in his heart that he wants to leave her but needs to find the willpower, plus at least a 3 hour window where no one will be home so he can move all his stuff out (impossible when you have a wife and 4 kids, he is hardly ever alone). He apparently cannot make the decision without meeting me first as we have gone so long without actually seeing each other that he wants to make sure the chemistry is still there, he cannot assume we will still be attracted to one another based on emails/phone calls. If we meet and it all feels right he said he would like us to have a relationship.

 

I tell him I am now engaged and immigrating to the States next year and burst into tears as I realise we have missed our chance of ever being together - this time for good. As soon as I tell him the news he backs straight off telling me to go for it and be happy, and if anything changes then I have his email address.

 

I am in absolute pieces right now and spiralling into a depression. I hate myself so much as I have a great fiance who is everything I ever dreamed of, but if this isn't enough to move me on from MM then I don't know what is. Just don't know where to go from here. I cant stop crying, I sent him an email last night explaining how I felt and how much he meant to me, not heard anything back and not sure I ever will.

 

Why did he not try to fight to win me when I told him I am engaged? I didn't expect him to back straight off like that, I am just so upset.

 

Please can no one be harsh with me - I know I am a disgrace for thinking this way when I should be happily engaged to my new man, I wish I could snap out of this. All the regulars who know me on here will be frustrated by this post but at least I am being honest.

 

It is great that you are being honest. However, you need to be honest with your fiancee now.

 

This is why NC is essential in cases like yours. No Contact = No New Hurts. You need to change email, phone numbers and block his contact numbers.

 

You know what he is. He isn't going to fight for you like a valiant knight. He is a manipulative opportunist and he is SELFISH to the nth degree.

 

YOU DON'T WANT HIM WHEN HE IS LIKE THIS.

 

He hasn't changed. He is the same as when you met him and IF he ever left, he would just cheat ON you.

 

But he's not leaving no matter what he says. That's why he said if things change to call him. He's status quo all the way.

 

I'm very sorry to tell you this but he wants to have a W and a mistress. He'll replace you now, if he hasn't already.

 

I am so very sorry that you are stuck on him. But you MUST make a choice to move forward. That doesn't mean get married. It means accept that you made an error in judgment in having a R with him and that you are going to move on and find someone who will put you first and love you and YOU LOVE THEM JUST AS MUCH BACK.

 

Look, I'm not exactly telling you to call off the wedding, but your F needs to know this information. Wouldn't you want to know if it was the other way around? He needs to make an informed decision and not be your rebound guy.

 

At some point you need to get over the rejection. Getting back with MM will not suffice here. We all feel rejected. REJECT HIM! Don't let him into your mind, your heart, or your soul. He doesn't GET IT! And he won't because the women in his life enable him.

 

Stand out to him. Tell him goodbye and good riddance. (In your heart if nothing else.) Don't let him occupy any more time in your thoughts. THEY LOVE THAT!

 

And whatever you do, DON'T EMAIL HIM ANYMORE! It makes you seem needy and desperate and he feels the upper hand on your F and your F doesn't deserve that.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh and hope I don't come off like that. But YOU have the power here and you're giving it all away. He doesn't deserve a second of your time and your F is getting the short end of the stick here.

 

If you're not ready to get married, then don't. Getting married just to ease the rejection of MM doesn't cross cancel it out. Marry because that person is the love of your life and you can't live without him. If you can't say that about him, let him find someone who can.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

[jthorne]

It means you should break off the engagement. Neither one of you are ready for marriage. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Most men I know would never marry a woman that is in love with someone else. You may be precious to him, but ic he knew the whole story, the story he deserves, he might feel differently.

 

If you thought of MM EVERY DAY in the last 15 months, what makes you think you can be a good wife? You obviously won't be a faithful one, because you will still be pining for MM.

[fooled once]

My fiance is in Iraq until May next year anyway, we are planning on getting married next summer, hopefully by then this will have sorted itself out.

 

It is not an ego thing, I really did love MM more than I ever loved anyone, and due to lack of closure the feelings never truly went away. I have thought of him daily over the last 15 months. Every single day. But the longer he remained silent, the more I realised I would have to start trying to move on - so I let the new man persue me who was very keen from the start, we met online and he flew to the UK to meet me, he has also flown me to the States a couple of times, then he went to Iraq. He is a wonderful man and I do love him, he is head over heels with me too - I would be a fool to let him go. It would devastate me to lose him, although this is painful too.

 

You have loved and pined for another guy for 15 months ---- how can you even think you are ready to be married to SOMEONE else? Seriously? Answer me this question.

 

You don't seem to love the fiance like he DESERVES to be loved. You say he loves you - head over heels for you - but not that you are head over heels for him.

 

I think you are subsconsciously trying to replace the MM with the fiance. I think you want someone to love you so badly, you will take it and while this guys loves you; you are thinking about and loving the MM every single day.

 

Fiance knows about the situation minus the details of him being a 50 year old married man with 4 kids, like I said before - once finance knew that I had been badly hurt by this man in the past he couldn't bear to hear anymore about it as I am precious to him and the thought of someone hurting me is too much for him to take.

 

Yes fiance has flown to UK twice to meet me, and flown me to the States twice and I have met all his fam & friends, he is in Iraq until next May and yes he is a US citizen and I will immigrate next year.

 

MINUS important details. Did you tell the fiance that you have loved this other MARRIED guy every single day for 15 months?? That not only is he married, but the father of 4? I can't believe you think your fiance wants to know you are heartbroken and devestated over ANOTHER guy? How would you feel if he was doing/feeling what you are? I would gather it would be okay with you because you are in love with someone else anyway.

 

I don't mean to be a b*tch - but you are no where near marrying this other guy. He is obviously 2nd choice to you. Be HONEST with yourself and WITH the fiance.

 

I think what jthorne is saying is that it is alarming that some guy who loves you is "cool" with you crying and being depressed over another guy. Then again, the fiance doesn't know the entire truth.

 

Finally, and then I promise I am done on this thread, you really need more counseling if you think you are even remotely ready for marriage, especially when you are in love with someone else.

 

Closure comes from WITHIN you; not from another person. Why you would believe a single thing from this guys mouth is beyond me -- he can never provide you with closure because you are going to keep HOPING for a future relationship with him; whether you are 50 miles or 5000 miles away from the MM. If you haven't let go in 15 months, even after being engaged to someone else, then I don't have much hope that you will ever let this MM go.

[Angel1111]

Maybe these points have been brought up already but I haven't read any of the other posts. First of all, I was in an affair and I was very much in love with the MM so don't think I'm being unfeeling here. The truth is, unless his wife is beating him and the kids, xMM does not need to leave his marriage. He has too many people dependent on him and leaving 4 children is just too much. If I were you, I would start encouraging to make the most of it with his marriage and be happy.

 

The other obvious - and more disturbing - point is, this man dumped you without a word. You get that, right? And yet you find yourself weak at the knees at his stupid phone call and telling you he needs to see you again to see if the chemistry is still there or not. Now, let me translate that for you: he wants to see you again so that he can start the affair again. He has no intentions of leaving his marriage. You need to get this through your head loud and clear. And seriously you do not want him to leave. The devistation caused from leaving a family of 4 plus a wife is just too much to overcome. The fallout would be immense.

 

I would suggest that you walk away from this and be happy with your fiance. This ideal that a lot of people have about love is just sometimes a bunch of baloney. I'm sure you love xMM but this doesn't mean you'd have a great life with him, or that it's some magic, special thing that will never come again. It's not based in reality - no matter how much you think it is. I know you probably think he's the Alpha and the Omega but I'm going to tell you, honey, that he's playing you like a fiddle and you'd do yourself a huge favor if you'd wake up and see this. No man who cares about you, or who has any sense of decency, would walk away from someone he planned a life with without saying a word. I can't believe he even had the nerve to contact you after this amount of time. What he did was cruel and unforgivable. And, mostly, it should've told you volumes about his character. But you are ignoring this for some reason. I'm so sorry that you sent that email to him. It told him everything he needed to know. And don't be fooled for one second about his 'go ahead and get married and be happy' routine. He knows that by pretending to willingly let you go without a fight will only make you want to run to him even more. This is classic stuff with MM and they gamble constantly on whether they will lose the OW or not. In a big way, they enjoy the game.

 

You extracted yourself from these games - ok, he extracted you from them when he deserted you - but basically you got away from them. Hon, keep it that way. Being with a MM is a highway to nowhere. He is entrenched in his life, and if lied to you and hurt you before, he will do it again. Only this time, you'll be walking away from a man who is offering to share his life with you, so the devistation xMM causes to your life will be even more magnified. To me, the choice is dead obvious. I hope you don't screw anymore of your life up with this MM. Lose him.