Devastated After Phone Call From xMM :'(

[Angel1111]

How serious is this engagement? If your fiancé is in another country, and is "surprisingly cool" about you having feelings for another man, that's a HUGE red flag for me.

 

The coolness from her fiance won't last - I can almost guarantee that. Right now, he's processing what he has been told. Anger will set in very shortly. If she isn't careful, she's going to end up all alone over this idiot MM.

[Jilly Bean]

Are you marrying this soldier for a green card or military benefits?

 

Because for you to react as you did to xMM who dropped you 15 months ago, shows you dont have any genuine respect or love for your fiance.

 

Do the right thing. END IT with your fiance NOW. He doesnt deserve to get used like this.

[White Flower]

I sure hope you meant "should NOT marry this fiance"

 

IF that is what you meant to say, I agree.

 

End the engagement - its fair to no one.

OOps! Yes jwi71, THAT IS what I meant..

 

Thanks for catching it.

[cavedweller]

xxxheartbrokenxxx,

 

I can't believe you are in contact with some 'dirt ball' married dude..

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Just feel I need to clarify a few things. Look, just because I still have love in my heart for the exMM does not mean I love my fiance any less. I really do love my fiance, I cannot even explain how hard it was to say goodbye to him when he went to Iraq, and how it breaks my heart that we are apart and that the only way we can communicate right now is IM and email, I miss him loads and cant wait to see him again. He has done so much for me, a man like him is just what I need considering my past with not only psychological abuse from the MM, but a loveless family, domestic violence, being bullied at school and in the workplace and people generally taking a dislike to me for no apparent reason and trying to cause me problems.

 

I felt my luck had changed when I met the American, feeling really upset that someone thought I was going to use him for military benefits and to get a green card! I am not that sort of person at all, you have got me all wrong. Neither is he a rebound guy - I was just as smitten with him as he was me, granted I was eager to quickly move on from the heartbreak of the MM situation. But it does not mean that I didn't genuinely fall head over heels for him, I did and still am.

 

When I said I have never stopped loving the MM, well the feelings had faded but still not disappeared completely, they were just dormant - it was not as if he was at the forefront of my mind. I thought of him everyday - I blame this on lack of closure from before though. Then when he contacted me the feelings were magnified, it's not like I was feeling this intense about him throughout the whole time we have been together! Jeez, I thought that would have been obvious. I agree with what Angel said about not letting him take my engagement away from me as well as everything else he has robbed me of during the last 2+ years. I cant do that. This is my chance to be happy with the military man and I would be a complete idiot if I lost him over this.

[Mimolicious]

With all due respect- I have to give some credit to your MM. "when you love someone set them free". He perhaps "love" you enough to wish you a better life. He clearly know that he wont be able to offer you what you really deserve... BUT there is always a flip-side to things. He can also be acting this way to get exactly this reaction out of you. It's called mindf*ck!ng.

 

It's not fair to your army guy, since you are not over your past relationship. I'll tell you this much, once you cross the pond, I guarantee you that you most likely leave your MM in the dust.

 

You should be honest with your BF and see what he thinks. Who knows, maybe he is secure and supportive enough to still want to marry you knowing how you feel. One thing I can guarantee you... if you miss at the chance of being happy for running after what you think is going to work out (with MM) you will regret it for the rest of your life. Giving up on a new love and a new life for someone like your MM is recipe for self-destruction. He has nothing to offer you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

With all due respect- I have to give some credit to your MM. "when you love someone set them free". He perhaps "love" you enough to wish you a better life. He clearly know that he wont be able to offer you what you really deserve... BUT there is always a flip-side to things. He can also be acting this way to get exactly this reaction out of you. It's called mindf*ck!ng.

 

Unfortunately I think the latter is more likely to be true.

 

You should be honest with your BF and see what he thinks. Who knows, maybe he is secure and supportive enough to still want to marry you knowing how you feel. One thing I can guarantee you... if you miss at the chance of being happy for running after what you think is going to work out (with MM) you will regret it for the rest of your life. Giving up on a new love and a new life for someone like your MM is recipe for self-destruction. He has nothing to offer you.

 

I told him everything just now, absolutely all the details including the fact he is married with 4 kids, that there is still a part of me that loves him, about the unfinished business and all the painful rides he put me through...

 

Fiance just told me not to worry, thats its no big deal, he can understand why I feel like this and told me whatever happens he still loves me. I cannot believe how tolerant he is. He thinks the MM sounds like he was taking advantage and manipulating me all along.

Edited August 1, 2010 by xxxheartbrokenxxx

[NancyBotwin]

Maybe your fiancé has another GF.

[Corporate]

He apparently cannot make the decision without meeting me first as we have gone so long without actually seeing each other that he wants to make sure the chemistry is still there, he cannot assume we will still be attracted to one another based on emails/phone calls. If we meet and it all feels right he said he would like us to have a relationship.

 

He obviously was looking for a booty call or an easy bj. Once he found out that another man was involved, it's become more complicated and inconvenient to him, so he backed off for now.

 

He thought you're still this lonely, naive, easy, and desperate girl he knew and that nothing has changed. I can tell you that there is not much problem in his marriage and he had no intention of leaving her. He just got bored once in a while and wanting some strange.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Maybe your fiancé has another GF.

 

Really?! What in Iraq, lol!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

He obviously was looking for a booty call or an easy bj. Once he found out that another man was involved, it's become more complicated and inconvenient to him, so he backed off for now.

 

He thought you're still this lonely, naive, easy, and desperate girl he knew and that nothing has changed. I can tell you that there is not much problem in his marriage and he had no intention of leaving her. He just got bored once in a while and wanting some strange.

 

Who knows why he backed off, it's probably another one of his games given his track record.

[Mimolicious]

 

Unfortunately I think the latter is more likely to be true.

 

 

 

I told him everything just now, absolutely all the details including the fact he is married with 4 kids, that there is still a part of me that loves him, about the unfinished business and all the painful rides he put me through...

 

Fiance just told me not to worry, thats its no big deal, he can understand why I feel like this and told me whatever happens he still loves me. I cannot believe how tolerant he is. He thinks the MM sounds like he was taking advantage and manipulating me all along.

 

I hope you don't set yourself up for disappointment. Your MM hasnt proven to you that he is anything close to being good for your health. Your F is right, he has manipulated you and used you.

[Jilly Bean]

I felt my luck had changed when I met the American,

 

I was eager to quickly move on from the heartbreak of the MM situation.

 

This is my chance to be happy with the military man

 

This is how you refer to your fiance? THE AMERICAN? Is this what you and your friends call him? Or, is it generally "the military man"?

 

I still think you're using him, quite obviously, since you admitted yourself you wanted to move on from MM.

 

It's also intensely selfish to dump all of this crap on THE AMERICAN while he is fighting every day for his life. I'm quite sure he couldn't process the depth of what you had to say, but once he processes it, and tells the other guys in his unit, this will come up again.

 

I hope he sees the light and ends this with you. Sorry if that's harsh, but I think you're using him, and no one, least of all THE AMERICAN deserves that...

 

(and know if you marry him, and then he divorces you, you don't get to keep your military benefits)

[carhill]

I wonder what an IC would say about all of this? Maybe it's time for a tune-up. FWIW, I'm a pretty empathetic guy but no way I'd be blowin' sunshine up this dynamic if it were my fiance. Just sayin'. Something sounds off there....

[jj33]

Jilly if this were any other poster, I would agree with you 1000% but based on her posts and things she has shared outside of the posts, Heartbroken doesnt have a mean bone in her body.

 

I dont think she would ever intentionally use someone and certainly wouldnt do this for benefits or a green card. Shes a sweet girl looking for love who thinks she has finally found it and is calling him the American just for lack of a better name (bf or single guy or whatever). Shes had a really rough time in her life and this may be her chance for happiness

 

I worry about her going for other reasons. Its such a big move. She could be very lonely. They may not know each other well enough to make a decision to marry at this point. She may be so happy to have found someone that she is leaping without having fully considered everything (including as you say his reaction to her position vis a vis xmm)

Edited August 1, 2010 by jj33

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

This is how you refer to your fiance? THE AMERICAN? Is this what you and your friends call him? Or, is it generally "the military man"?

 

I still think you're using him, quite obviously, since you admitted yourself you wanted to move on from MM.

 

It's also intensely selfish to dump all of this crap on THE AMERICAN while he is fighting every day for his life. I'm quite sure he couldn't process the depth of what you had to say, but once he processes it, and tells the other guys in his unit, this will come up again.

 

I hope he sees the light and ends this with you. Sorry if that's harsh, but I think you're using him, and no one, least of all THE AMERICAN deserves that...

 

(and know if you marry him, and then he divorces you, you don't get to keep your military benefits)

 

You are reading way too much into this, if you go through all the posts throughout the thread with a fine tooth comb you will see I do usually refer to him as my fiance, I was actually trying to keep the grammar good by not using the same word in the same paragraph - that's all!

 

To be honest I don't even know what the military benefits are anyway - I have never asked him and the subject has never come up about what what we would be entitled to. He has only briefly mentioned that they cover the cost of renting a house, but I didn't ask him to elaborate.

 

Anyway, when we first met and got talking - I didn't find out about his job in the military for a while. In fact when I did find out it actually put me off slightly because in the UK, men in the armed forces have a bad reputation. I am quickly learning that this is different in the USA though.

 

It makes me so sad that you are jumping to these conclusions without knowing enough about me, do you realise how depressed I am right now? I can barely get out of bed most days and am crying constantly, I don't need additional abuse on here

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

It's also intensely selfish to dump all of this crap on THE AMERICAN while he is fighting every day for his life. I'm quite sure he couldn't process the depth of what you had to say, but once he processes it, and tells the other guys in his unit, this will come up again.

 

I totally agree with you here, I didn't want to bother him with all this crap whilst he's out there. But if you read some earlier posts everyone was saying I must let him know so he can make an informed decision about me, so I thought it would be best to tell him about the situation now rather than wait until I see him again face to face which wont be for a long time. Do you see what I mean?

[Jilly Bean]

I dont think she would ever intentionally use someone and certainly wouldnt do this for benefits or a green card. Shes a sweet girl looking for love who thinks she has finally found it and is calling him the American just for lack of a better name (bf or single guy or whatever). Shes had a really rough time in her life and this may be her chance for happiness

 

I worry about her going for other reasons. Its such a big move. She could be very lonely. They may not know each other well enough to make a decision to marry at this point. She may be so happy to have found someone that she is leaping without having fully considered everything (including as you say his reaction to her position vis a vis xmm)

 

Yes, but people often make mistakes and hurt other people unintentionally, right? I think her huge meltdown and "devastation" over xMM contacting her shows she hasn't moved on, isn't over him, and that THE AMERICAN isn't number one in her heart.

 

May not be her intention, but it sure is the reality. I think she's rebounding, and hasn't thought any of this out. As she said, he was nice to her after MM and her childhood. Doesn't sound like a real partnership...

[jj33]

Jilly (and no disrespect Heartbroken) I agree with you and have told Heartbroken as much if you read my other posts.

 

But Ive not been in her shoes or had her experiences. Heartbroken seems like such a loving caring girl and if and I sure hope he is, the fiance is a good and loving and supportive man, this just might be her chance for real happiness. Judging from what I know of her she would go to the 10,000th mile to make him happy in return even if xMM does lurk in the depths of her heart.

 

One of my fears for Heartbroken is that he will be controlling. And that she will find herself in a small town in the US with a controlling manipulative husband and be lonely and unhappy. Sorry HB I dont want to pour doom and gloom on your happiness but its a tricky situation and sometimes protectiveness and caring can disguise a controlling manipulative nature. Make sure you pay extra attention to this and that he is not controlling.

Edited August 1, 2010 by jj33

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I wonder what an IC would say about all of this? Maybe it's time for a tune-up. FWIW, I'm a pretty empathetic guy but no way I'd be blowin' sunshine up this dynamic if it were my fiance. Just sayin'. Something sounds off there....

 

Like I said before - I told my fiance everything, he said it does not matter because he loves me so much and just hates to see me hurting. He said the only thing that would actually make him upset is if I left him for the MM which I would not do anyway. He is too soft with me, I kept saying to him that I hate myself and don't know why he is even with me.

[jj33]

Heartbroken you need to stop this saying you hate yourself. Honey are you in IC? If not maybe you can do that before you move to be with your fiance. You need to feel good about yourself. It will make everything in life so much easier.

 

Your fiance is with you because he loves you and you are a lovely person. You need to beleive that as well.

 

Big hugs

[carhill]

On that note, for those readers not already up on the backstory, here's the beginning (of the dynamic with the now fiance). The online relationship started a few months prior, but that thread was the first real 'flesh' pressing to happen (it happened after the thread ended).

 

OP, imagine that your fiance had unresolved issues with and feelings for a MW. He shared some of those feelings with you and kept some to himself. Imagine marrying him. Imagine it all coming to a head years later.

 

Congratulations. Now you know how my wife (now stbx) felt.

 

Think this through. I'll restate my recommendation for IC. Good luck

[Jilly Bean]

On that note, for those readers not already up on the backstory, here's the beginning (of the dynamic with the now fiance). The online relationship started a few months prior, but that thread was the first real 'flesh' pressing to happen (it happened after the thread ended).

 

Ugh, Carhill. Now that I've read this gem, I'm even more convinced her motives are less than pure.

 

In the thread you linked, she wrote BEFORE ever meeting this guy:

 

I so want this to go right, and we end up together and I relocate.

 

I still maintain she doesnt love THE AMERICAN, but is just using him.

 

She also wrote:

 

my last man promised me a new life in Brazil

 

Not sure where the OP lives, but it's pretty clear she's just looking for a one-way ticket out of wherever she is, whether that comes at the hands of a Brazilian MM or American soldier is irrelevant. She just wants "love", no matter who it is, and what it takes.

 

Oy. Simply Oy.

[tami-chan]

Heartbroken,I think your reaction to your xMM is not unusual. This is the man who has impacted your life so much it he tore your heart to pieces and for him to contact you all these time and then "gave you up so easily" after learning you are with somebody is difficult to accept. It takes a chip off our ego, our self worth. We want people we care about to love us forever. We want for them to move mountains to be with us even though we do not really want to be with them anymore. So cry...be sad...then re-focus. According to conventional wisdom, you are better off without him.

 

Contrary to what others here have mentioned, I do not think your xMM just wanted a quickie from you that is why he contacted you. I think they would like to think of it that way, to disparage you...however, your xMM is doing the right thing for once-ceasing contact with you is the right thing.

[carhill]

Not sure where the OP lives

My understanding is the UK, but perhaps that was where they met in person for the first time and she's not a resident. IDK.

 

BTW, OP, in my case the timeline was 14 years and seven years married. The MW didn't call me; I contacted her. Unresolved feelings without proper processing and/or therapy can, and were in my case, be a marriage buster. Fair warning, if you sincerely wish to have a healthy and long-lasting marriage....