Failed Ultimatum...how can I get him back!!!

[aesmith]

I was dating my b/f for 2.5 years. For the first 8 months we had a rocky relationship because I considered us to be just dating and even told him he would know when I was ready to be in a serious relationship. Regardless of what I said, he considered us to be in a serious relationship and learned the hard way that I was still dating other people (ie. seeing me out with soemone, coming over and someone else was there).

 

We got past all of that and we continued dating...we even got to the exclusive stage. He would also talk about us getting married, buying a dog together, and even considered moving in together. All of our friends could tell we were in love and envied our relationship. After about 2 years, I started to ask him what his plans were regarding marriage. At that point, he started going back and forth between him wanting us to get married to he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married. He also told me that ever since I inquired about marriage, he felt pressured about marriage. During this back and forth period, he stated that he was having a hard time getting past what happened in the beginning of our relationship.

 

After the second time of changing his mind in a five month period (this time he wasn't ready to get married), I gave him his keys back and began ignoring him. Although we had broken up before for a day or two, this time I didn't call him for the first week. Normally, I would call by the next day, but I was so frustrated with him changing his mind and I didn't want to waste anymore time if our relationship wasn't going anywhere.

 

It's been five weeks since I gave him all of his stuff back. He has never initiated a phone call, but will sometimes (when he feels like it) return my call. I can tell that he is seriously avoiding me!! He's told his mom that he and I are "going through a rough time right now" and told one of my friends that if I wanted to sit down and talk he would be willing to do so. He also told her that I am the perfect woman for him, but he's just not ready to get married. But he doesn't act like he wants to talk because he is avoiding me.

 

After a month of separation and me calling every 5-6 days, I managed to see him by showing up at his house. The day before I went over there, he had cancelled a meeting we had set up. I needed to clear the air about some he said/she said stuff that was going on. When I went to his house, he had not changed a thing. He still has the stuffed animal and valentines day stuff up in his house that I gave him from last year, and my toothbrush is still in his medicine cabinet.

 

Two days ago, I left a message for him saying that I've had a chance to think about everything and the most important thing is for me to be with him, even if we don't get married. I've not heard from him. Why is he avoiding me, how can I get him back, and should I send him a valentines day card?

[supermom]

Yes give him a valentines day card to show you still care. Sounds like he is playing hard to get. I would ask him, why don't we just start over or forget it.

 

Also let him know that he is breaking your heart and if he does care he needs to stop playing mind games.

 

Good luck!

[NatoPMT]

my advice is to stop playing games with him and be honest. apologies of this sounds harsh, but it sounds to me like you have set the pace from day one and when you want to 'punish' him you withdraw or when you dont know what you want hes left waiting in the cold.

 

i believe that relationships are about total communication and understanding. i do understand why you would want to push for marriage but hes who he is, and you have to love him regardless of your expectations if its going to work. maybe his reluctance to marry is because hes wary of the way things have been in the past.

 

forget sending valentines and half baked messages, if you really are the perfect woman for him, then the game playing is faffing round the real i ssues. deal with them together, and if it doesnt work out, you arent perfect for each other and its meant to be that way.

 

good luck

[aesmith]

I think you're right...we do need to sit down and talk. How can I talk to him if he keeps avoiding my phone calls? I thought about just showing up at his house unannounced again, but eventually he'll probably begin to resent me for forcing him to talk to me.

[UCFKevin]

NO!!!!

 

Do NOT do that. Don't show up unannounced.

 

If there's one thing I learned from my break up months ago, it's that doing that is a BAD BAD BAAAAAD idea. To normal folks, it may seem okay, especially given your time together, but to the person you want to see, it'll seem like you're a psycho stalker. While you ARENT a psycho stalker, that doesn't matter. People in these situations don't tend to think straight, on either sides.

 

Just try to contact him again. Take it easy on it, though, don't over do it. If you don't hear from him, well...take that as a hint that it ain't gonna work out.

[Arabess]

I would probably send a final note to leave the comminication bridge open....but then I wouldn't contact him again in ANY WAY until he responded.

 

Giving a guy an ultimatum for a 'marriage'....is usually a bad deal. People make mistakes though. You took a risk and it back-fired. Some risks do.

 

Once you've apologized though....there really isn't anything left to do but wait it out. If he doesn't respond in a short period of time....then you'll have to accept it as a lesson learned the hard way. We ALL have! LOL!

 

Good luck! ........and no....I wouldn't send him a V-day card or anything unless he makes the first move.....

[NatoPMT]

you know the best way round to do things, try and call him and hope he returns the call, when/if he does, tell him you need to straighten some things out if hes prepared to give you the time to talk to you. if he doesnt, you have to walk away and respect his decision.

 

i hope you can, i really do - but you now have to think of what he wants as much as you think of what you want, and if its too late like arabess says, its a hard lesson but an invaluable one.(i am taking note btw - you arent alone in this one!!!)

[aesmith]

I know he has trust issues with me because of how we started out. For the last 13 months, we have had no incidents although I could tell by his actions that he still didn't trust me 100%. I bent over backwards to let him know that I was in love with him and didn't want to be with anyone else. Do you think 13 months is enough time to overcome the trust issues? Also, how do guys feel about marrying a woman who is on a higher professional level than them. For example, I am a 36 year old attorney and he is a 31 year old police officer. Should that matter?

[ashzz]

I could see that bothering some men. Especially him being a police officer and having a position of some authority.

[NatoPMT]

well i cant see that being a problem, but then i have always gone for men that arent as successful as myself, i work for a womens magazine and my fella is a student - and hes younger than me too. if your bloke had a problem with it why would he be with you in the first place? i dont get it, but i understand people dont think the same way i do. yes 13months is enough time i think, but only if those issues are properly dealt with rather than just fading away. you need to discuss it with him and find out what he thinks. hav eyou been in touch with him yet? i cant type any more as we are watching a film and its dead quiet bar my typing and people keep giving me disapproving glances. i'm away for the weekend now so will look again monday

 

good luck darlin!

[harleyone41]

If you want him back, give him some time to think....breathe...and THINK. Calling him everyday only pushes him harder, more pressure. If you know, as it has been confirmed (from sources), that he does in fact want to be with you than just relax. I've been told that there is a push pull effect in a relationship during tough times like this. You calling him all the time causes the push. As a result he gets pulled (or damn near yanked). Whenever this happens it isn't good. One more thing, if you are going to call him everyday, what's the point of him even calling you back when he knows you'll call him? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, he'll come back.

[matrixgenius]

oh so you are allowed to "f" with him for 8 months but he cant even mull things over for say 5 seconds

sounds hypocritical to me

you are just beggin to be played

[aesmith]

He called me on Thursday!!! I told him that I had something that I had to give to him and we met after he got off work. I bought him a Valentine's Day basket. It was good to see him. I could tell that he missed me as much as I missed him. We talked a bit about the issues...he told me that he was having difficulty with the way our relationship started and that he was enjoying the breath of fresh air from us not arguing. I reminded him that any issues that we had were in the very beginning of our relationship in 2001 or 2002 and now we were in 2004. He agreed that he saw a significant change in me. We agreed to sit down and talk about reconciling when I returned from going out of town. I could tell he didn't like the fact that I was going out of town.

.

Then Friday I called him before I left to go out of town. At that time, he told me that someone had told him that I was dating someone else a year and a half ago while he and I were dating. I told him that we already discussed the fact that I was dating other people in the beginning of our relationship, but that was back in 2001 or 2002. I also told him that I fell in love with him and everything changed. I also told him once again that there had not been anyone else that I have dated since then (13 months ago). He didn't return either of my 2 calls on Valentine's Day (maybe that was intentional). He did call me today. He sounded okay, but I know the fact that someone told him that I was dating someone else is messign with him. What do I need to do or say to get him to forget about what happened in the beginning of our relationship so we can move forward from this point?

[matrixgenius]

Some (most) men have trouble committing to a woman or " starting over " if they are not on an even playing field.

He thinks this - you are one up on him. period.

He thinks the only way to level the playing field is to make you feel how he feels about what you did.

Ask him what he truly feels about you dating this other person, then you will know what he wants to do to you.

If he says it causes him a lot of inner turmoil and suffering then I suspect he wants you to suffer in return for your actions.

 

Just remember

To challenge a man, a woman must be dominant.

To please a man, a woman must be submissive.

 

Being above him in age and earnings ie. dominant makes you a challenge. However much men like this in the beginning ( lust ), they do not see it as a practical arrangement for life.

 

They want someone they can take care of and who can take care of them. Being an attorney doesnt leave you the time to take care of him, and also you make enough where he feels he has nothing to give you that you cant get for yourself.

 

Bad arrangement.

If you start taking care of him, causing him to trust you again, I suspect soon thereafter he will ask you to quit your job and let him take care of you.

 

If this is bad for you then forget about it now, and in reality find a man who is quite feminine about his self and your relationship will be amazing. However soon thereafter he will leave you for another man , just like most of the women on this site.

 

So, in conclusion, if you dont act like your mans mother ( submissive and caring ), not career oriented ( dominant and ruthless )

he wont marry you.

 

Sounds bad, but hey such is the ways of men and women.

[aesmith]

I am completely confused. I went over to my ex's house on Thurs. after I returned from out of town. When I arrived, he questioned me about what I had been doing while I was gone. He also said that in one message I left for him while I was out of town, I sounded like I was having a good time. I had to convince him that I did not go to see another guy (technically, I could have gone to see another guy since he has barely returned my calls in 7-8 weeks and as of now we are not really dating). Once we got past that, our interaction was a lot like it had been before we broke up 7-8 weeks ago. We are very comfortable with eachother and we have a lot of laughs. I brought him a shirt from my trip and he said he liked it and joked that I couldn't use it for a sleep shirt. He's in the process of moving so I helped him do some packing. I was going to leave and go home, but he invited me to stay overnight. When we got up the next morning we did some more packing and the movers came to move his stuff. In the process of packing I found a jacket of his that I liked and asked if I could bring it home. He said I could so I left my jacket in his closet to be moved with his jackets.

 

I felt really close to him and I could tell he felt close to me. We didn't have time, on this visit, to discuss the unresolved issues because we were packing, getting ready for the movers, and then he had to go to work. He did admit that at some point he started cheating on me because of how our relationship began and because he didn't completely trust me. So during the 13 months when I was trying to rebuild our relationship, he was cheating on me (I guess to help him feel better). I'm sure that during this 7-8 week separation he has also been seeing other women (if by cheating on me he was trying to make things even then he's defintely done that). Since I didn't know if he wanted me to see where he was moving, I was going to go home. Instead, he asked me to come see his new place. So I did, and I helped him unpack some of the items we packed. He joked about the fact that I wouldn't be spending time over there (which really means that I would be spending time).

 

 

Here is where I am really confused. After I left his new house on Friday, he did not call me. I left him a message that same evening asking him if he wanted me to bring him something for dinner and he never returned the call. Not only that... but on Saturday I called him at work, we spoke briefly, but he couldn't talk long, and he never called me back. I am completely confused!!! I don't know if we are making any progress or not. During this whole separation, I know he's been screening his calls. When I asked him about it, he said he doesn't want to be bothered with anyone. I learned while I was over there that he has not been working out (and he works out religously). Should I just give him space, continue calling him so he knows that I am not dating anyone or what? The real question is...can we get past our beginning to make it to the future or will he feel as though he needs to keep cheating on me.

[clia]

I think you need to stop calling him, stop giving him gifts, and stop going over there.

 

I assume this is the "ultimatum"?:

 

After the second time of changing his mind in a five month period (this time he wasn't ready to get married), I gave him his keys back and began ignoring him.

 

You never gave him any time to feel your absence. You still haven't. He KNOWS that you aren't going anywhere. You are like the little boy who cried wolf. If you are going to give an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to stick with it.

 

he told me that he was having difficulty with the way our relationship started and that he was enjoying the breath of fresh air from us not arguing.

 

Translation: Blah, blah, blah... I am quite happy not having you as my girlfriend.

 

What do I need to do or say to get him to forget about what happened in the beginning of our relationship so we can move forward from this point?

 

I don't even know if that's the issue. From what you've written he sounds like he doesn't want a relationship with you period.

 

When I arrived, he questioned me about what I had been doing while I was gone. He also said that in one message I left for him while I was out of town, I sounded like I was having a good time. I had to convince him that I did not go to see another guy (technically, I could have gone to see another guy since he has barely returned my calls in 7-8 weeks and as of now we are not really dating).

 

Why are you calling him so much? He's NOT your boyfriend.

 

He's in the process of moving so I helped him do some packing.

 

Don't you have anything better to do? So now he gets you to help him with heavy labor, too?

 

I was going to leave and go home, but he invited me to stay overnight.

 

He saw an opening for some booty.

 

In the process of packing I found a jacket of his that I liked and asked if I could bring it home. He said I could so I left my jacket in his closet to be moved with his jackets.

 

Such a transparent attempt to be able to go to his house again.

 

He did admit that at some point he started cheating on me because of how our relationship began and because he didn't completely trust me. So during the 13 months when I was trying to rebuild our relationship, he was cheating on me (I guess to help him feel better). I'm sure that during this 7-8 week separation he has also been seeing other women (if by cheating on me he was trying to make things even then he's defintely done that).

 

Hello! Hello? He cheated on you. And you want him back...why? He's dating other women. DATING OTHER WOMEN. RIGHT NOW. He is not asking you out on dates. He ignoring your calls, calling you when he feels like it, and letting you help him move. Um...hello?

 

After I left his new house on Friday, he did not call me.

 

Why would he? He's all packed up and moved now! Maybe he'll call you over to help him unpack and scrub the bathroom.

 

I left him a message that same evening asking him if he wanted me to bring him something for dinner and he never returned the call. Not only that... but on Saturday I called him at work, we spoke briefly, but he couldn't talk long, and he never called me back.

 

STOP CALLING HIM. You sound like a stalker. Seriously.

 

I am completely confused!!!

 

Why? His signs are loud and clear that he does not want to be your boyfriend. I'm sure he cares about you and thinks you are a nice person, but he does not want to date you. He wants to date other women.

 

I don't know if we are making any progress or not.

 

I don't see any.

 

During this whole separation, I know he's been screening his calls.

 

He's screening YOUR calls.

 

MOVE ON. So many nails have been driven into this coffin it's not even funny. You are making a fool of yourself.

[befuddled11]

I totally agree with all of Clia's points, well said.

 

In addition, this is a guy who gave this BS-story that part of the reason he didn't want to marry was because of how the relationship started (with the original poster not being exclusive with him, until 8 months had passed).....yet NOW we come to find he'd been CHEATING on her. What a lying sack. Who would want this kind of dingdong back? He made her feel rotten, and kept throwing in her face, the way their relationship "started" (which is stupid because the past is the past), yet that was nothing more than a lame smokescreen.

 

I agree, she needs to break off all contact with him. He's likely getting the world's hugest ego-boost by the fact that she calls him, offers to bring over dinner, helps him move.

 

How ironic that he was all bent out of shape and telling her that on the occasion that she called him while out of town, she sounded like she was having a "good time" (him being jealous)......and him getting all bent out of shape about that, and the whole issue of his "trust" with her.......yet he was cheating on her, and doing the very thing that he had such a problem with in the beginning of their relationship.

 

The guy doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground, or maybe he does.

[reasontosigh]

Originally posted by matrixgenius

Just remember

To challenge a man, a woman must be dominant.

To please a man, a woman must be submissive.

 

Hmmm....I may have just found myself a new sig here!

[NatoPMT]

I do agree with Clia, but blimey that was a harsh way of putting it. isnt almost every broken hearted poster on here deluding themselves there may be hope and lots of them have done something to alienate their ex just as their ex is alienating them. and i am sure that many are calling/mailing their ex, + loads more that aesmith is & isnt doing to the point of legally stalking.

 

they should be learning the harsh lessons from the pain they are feeling, but they need a bit of understanding with their dose of brutal facts, surely?

[moimeme]

Just remember

To challenge a man, a woman must be dominant.

To please a man, a woman must be submissive.

 

Puke.

 

That isn't the point, even if it were valid. His expecting concessions and behaviour that he isn't willing to give is. The others have made excellent points. Ditch this one and move on - he sounds 'way too self-indulgent to be a good partner.

[clia]

they should be learning the harsh lessons from the pain they are feeling, but they need a bit of understanding with their dose of brutal facts, surely?

 

I did not post on this thread until I saw she wasn't getting it. She got enough hugs and kisses from the previous posters. She was not getting it. She was not seeing the light.

 

My style is blunt and to the point. If you don't like it, scroll.

[NatoPMT]

scrolling....

[aesmith]

I think everyone makes some good points. Knowing my ex the way I do, I tend to agree with maxigenius that he wants to be on an even playing field with me. To do this, he decided to cheat because that's what he believes I did in the beginning (even though we really weren't exclusive). In one of our more recent conversations, he said that me dating other people in the beginning "almost" permanently scarred him (my interpretation is it made him feel less of a man). Two wrongs definitely do not make a right, but it probably made him feel better and boosted his ego.

 

I disagree about me appearing to be a stalker because the whole issue here is about trust. After speaking to him in these last 7-8 weeks, he still does not trust me and he believes that I lie about even small things (which is untrue). I think he still sees me as the person I was in the beginning of our relationship. I call because I want him to know that there is no one else and that I only want to be with him (he still questions this fact).

 

I think the key is that things fell apart when I gave him the ultimatum...before that we were working through our issues. I thought that we had covered more ground in the 13 month period than we truly had. He apparently still has/had major trust issues with me and we are not ready to go to the next step. I just don't know how much more time needs to be invested for him to believe that there is not anyone else.

 

He called me on Sunday and we agreed to get together one day this week to talk about the issues. I feel like we may be making some progress because he's progressed from not answering any of my calls, to answering my calls every other time I call, to now initiating calls. I also feel as though he is still sorting some things out in his head. What I'm trying to figure out now is if we decided to get back together, if he would still hold against me what happened in the beginning or does he feel like we are even now and so we can just move on and both be committed to the relationship.

[aesmith]

My ex and I talked about our unresolved issues. I feel as though we made some serious headway and we managed to resolve many of our issues. We decided that we would reconcile and both be committed to continuing to work through our issues. However, I am concerned because we are still left with the fundamental issue of how can I earn back his trust. He said he did not like feeling paranoid and questioning everything I did, but he can't help it. For 13 months I did everything I could think of to earn his trust back and it helped some but not enough. I truly love him and I want our relationship to work. Has anyone been in the situation where you loved someone, but did not fully trust them. Ifso, what did they do or what would you have liked them to do to earn back your trust?

[gaia]

Why is this all one-sided? He's cheated as well.

I think you've got an uphill struggle ahead of you and I'd seriously think about some couple therapy.