Can't deal with my girlfriends past.

[necropolis]

Okay so here's the deal, Before my girlfriend I hadn't had anything in the female department. I'd never been in love, never had a girlfriend, never sex, never even kissed a girl (and that's tough to live through for 18 years!). But then I met a girl and we hit it off and after a month of being friends we started dating. Now she was one of those girls who always talked about her ex's and she had done a lot of things with different guys but only had sex with 1. Of course that 1 was the 1 she talked about the most, and still does occasionally. Now me being a desperate virgin at the time I didn't care I just wanted to finally have a girlfriend and not feel like a loser. but we stayed together for a while and her past started to bother me because I cared for her a lot. Now here's what I knew about her past with the guy she lost her virginity to; 1. He was the most attractive guy she ever went out with. She's never came out and said he was better looking than me or anything but just by the way she talks I can tell. 2. The day after they had sex he dumped her. 3. They were both virgins. So knowing this I assumed it wasn't much of a relationship and more of a race to the finish for them. For the longest time it bothered me that the girl I was with, that was my first, I wasn't her first. and I've googled this and apparently its a common predicament. But after a while it stopped hurting for the most part. it still wasn't my favorite fact but i could live with it because we fell in love and she would always tell me how i was the only boy she had ever been in love with, that she could tell me anything and that she could see us being together for the rest of our lives. BUT THEN, the other night I found an old printed out email, it was the way that her ex had broken up with her, they had messaged eachother, and against my better instincts a read it. I know this was a mistake and don't need to be reprimanded for it. But anyway in the massage he told her how much even though it was ending he loved her and she was "his woman" and it was special that she was his first. then her in her response was literally every romantic thing that shes ever said to me, almost word for word. How she loved him, he was the only boy she could tell anything to and that she could see them being together for the rest of their lives. it was an angry letter though and she was yelling at him about those things. Reading this felt like daggers. Honestly its been depressing me so much the last week. I know its not fair but I don't look at her the same. she had a past before me and even though that's completely okay and I'm not mad about it, it still hurts like hell. It hurts knowing all the ways shes so special to me, my first EVERYTHING but most of all the first and only person I ever loved will never have me as that special person. She even keeps a picture of them together, him softly kissing her cheek and a huge smile on her face. I've tried every kind of reasoning in my head why its okay and doesn't matter but there's really no way to make the pain go away, i don't even know why I'm posting here. Maybe I'm hoping that someone will have a magic cure all answer that I know deep down doesn't exist. Maybe I just need to vent. I really don't know. But that's my story

[Angel1111]

I think each new relationship is a new experience. Yes, in our heads we may make comparisons about how one relationship is like, or not like, another. And sometimes people say the same things because they're not creative enough to use different wording, or because they mean it just as much with one person as they did with the other one. I guess what I'm saying is that you're taking that email out of context. It was written while they were still connected to one another. She may or may not be still hung up on that guy - it's hard to say. If I were you, I'd just enjoy the relationship, treat her well, trust her and see where it goes. If you keep letting this bother you, it's a sure road to ending this relationship. If your lack of experience bothers you in relation to her experience, then you'll either need to learn to deal with that or move on.

[kdark]

She still has a picture of them kissing? That's pretty bad... That coupled with the fact that she talks about them all the time isn't good either.

 

Have you talked to her about any of this?

[BS76]

She still has a picture of them kissing? That's pretty bad... That coupled with the fact that she talks about them all the time isn't good either.

 

Have you talked to her about any of this?

 

Absolutely inapprorpriate behavior. It's one thing to keep a momento stashed away someplace out of sight, but that's a big unusual. Combined with her talking about him all the time strikes me as HPD, possibly BPD. Either way she sounds toxic and immature to say the least, not that the OP is much better. Clearly it's time for them to talk about their standards and expectations, what constitutes acceptable behavior, and the ramifications of failure to meet them. Women need a strong hand from men in this sense. The less you tolerate in terms of inapprorpriate behavior the more she'll respect you, despite to her protestations to the contrary. Hold your ground and either she buckles to your will and you have peace of mind, or she's truly not worth keeping and walks. Either way you win.

[anderson345]

I agree that keeping the photo etc is unacceptable. Tell her to drop it. This could just be that she still needs time to get over this (i dont know the timescales involved). She needs to focus on you and move on, if not i dont see you guys being too long term, i could be wrong though. We're not in your shoes and its easy to judge the situation.

 

The sex thing is so common, and the problem is if you guys break up, you have now had sex and may end up with another girl who is in your situation. Then shes may have the same feeelings as you etc etc. It's a vicious circle. But its not the same for everyone. These things are hard to cope with, ideally everyone like you would find a girl whos in the same situation as you and you live happily ever after. Some other people dont have issues about all their partners. But you sound like the same type of guy as me. I would hate this situation and can relate to this.

 

Guess what? If more people didnt have sex before marriage like God told us to do, then there wouldnt be as much pain/hurt like this going about. Is that not so true?? The bible is there to give us instruction on having a good life here on earth and a great one off it. Anyway that's my christian message out of the way. ( i know not all are going to agree with this...haha but its my duty!)

 

From my experience, you're young and going to have to have an old head here, which is means its gonna be hard. Tell her what the issue is, if you can then sort it with her great, if not drop her and move on, which is always such a hard thing to do when love is involved. But you know life is so precious and you need to find the right person if you can (which is not easy for eveyone), then start the rest of your life.

 

Luckily you're not married or have kids, as there are far more horrible situations that you could be in, that you are'nt. I'm married and have found a text on my wifes phone to an ex bf saying that he was always first choice and i love you blah blah blah. I'm dealing with this just now 7 years into a marriage with three kids!! Your lucky dude!!

 

(Sorry i'm not too a good writer, but hope this has helped somewhat.)

 

Good luck buddy.