A bit of history and how to handle meeting the BS.

[Butterfly11]

I couldn't remember my last username and the email acct I created it on has been closed, so I'm new but not

 

I'm the fOW soon to be the MW to the divorced MM. I've never had a more loving, honest and close relationship, nor has he. Our affair lasted 4 months, until she found out. At the time he chose to stay for the children and I supported that decision no matter how much it broke my heart. I was completely ready to let him go, I knew I couldn't live in that A for much longer. We had NC for 3 days and then I get a not so nice call from the BS on my voicemail. I didn't know what was going on so I phoned him. He had decided that even as much as he loved and wanted to be there for his kids, he would never really lose them, not like he would lose me if he stayed. He realized that he couldn't put the love he felt for me aside, especially when his feelings toward his W had faded into just a friendship/roommate kind of love with zero intimacy. He left, she filed, and they divorced 8 months later.

 

That was a year and two months ago since dday. I've been looking at rings at his request and we've already picked a date. I'm very excited about spending my life with my soulmate. Meeting each other was like finding ourselves in another person. This is the kind of love I always dreamed about but never thought I would find.

 

My only regret is wishing things could have developed differently and his fW and kids could have been spared the pain and hurt they went through. My ex had an EA on me, we divorced, and I was a very unhappy person for 8 months and then I decided to move on, we are on friendly terms now I didn't plan on having the affair with fMM nor had he ever had one before. We both realize we settled when we married our previous spouses..everyone else was doing it, this person was good enough, and you are at that age, etc...

 

Anyway, my STBH wants me to meet the fW. As a future stepmom to his children and a mother myself I can understand why he wants us to meet. I am hesitant for sure, I can already feel the scathing, hating eyes and the bitter tongue. I know she hates me with all she has and I can understand why. I know we will probably never have a relationship. I wonder if meeting her is even a good idea? But if it does happen, how do act toward her? I'm a very friendly, laid back person for the most part. She is not so much. If she attacks me verbally do I just let her get it off her chest? Do I attack back? I know I am probably asking too much, but how do I make it easier for her?

Edited August 1, 2010 by Butterfly11

[TOWinNYC]

Butterfly - congratulations!!!

 

There's nothing I love more than to hear happy stories like yours on this particular forum - which tends to be filled with sadder stories than yours. It's like I've always insisted - there are people who are meant to be together, no matter what the circumstances.

 

As for dealing with the BS, I say just be "civil".

 

No need to be overtly friendly and chances are she'll be equally civil as well (lets hope). I'm going to assume your STBH will be there during the meeting but it wouldn't hurt to talk to him about your concerns and what the two of you should do if the BS start verbally attacking. Also, I suggest the children not be there.

 

Good luck!

[Ella whispers]

Let the extent of your civility be the smile she sees. She will be bitter and angry no matter what you do or say.

Congrats, wish you the best.

[Butterfly11]

Thank you both for your well wishes I do realize I am one of the few with a happy ending.

 

I do think civility is the best way to go with the BS. I figured I would just kill her with kindness, but maybe that will make her hate me more.

[Gfkr2]

Thank you both for your well wishes I do realize I am one of the few with a happy ending.

 

I do think civility is the best way to go with the BS. I figured I would just kill her with kindness, but maybe that will make her hate me more.

 

Your upcoming M is a RARITY among APs. Congratulations and best wishes! You come a across in your post as a decent person. Be yourself. Don't go into a meeting with a script or plan, except for how you would open the conversation. Given that your soon to be H is divoroced and time which has passed, I would be surprised if it got ugly with her. Cheers...

[bentnotbroken]

The assumption that all BS's hate the AP is a load of crap. Did I dislike her and the things she did to my family in my house...damn straight. Did I dislike the continued unwanted contact...damn straight. Did/Do I hate her.....not on your life. No one is worth my salvation by hating. She is a part of my life, like so many situations that changed me and my outlook on people, but hate... it's not for everyone.

 

It seems that sometimes that term is used to make one feel better about their role in hurting so many. Hate is an easier emotion to deal with than a hurt person and recognizes that one participated in that pain.

[YellowShark]

Aren't you the least bit worried that in time you will become the betrayed spouse Butterfly11? After all, you're the fOW.

 

Just sayin'

[whichwayisup]

You two probably won't be friends...For a long time, but you CAN take the lead and make it all about the kids. Make it clear to her (with respect) that you're not trying to replace her as the kids mom and you only want what's best for them. Make the focus about putting the kids first. She sees how genuine you are, she more than likely will respect you for it.

 

Don't assume she HATES you and is going to pick a fight, be cruel or go off on you. Go in with a positive attitude, but don't over do it and be TOO nice to her because then it's going to look forced and fake.

 

How does she get along with her exH? Are they friendly enough towards eachother as parents?

[hopesndreams]

Aren't you the least bit worried that in time you will become the betrayed spouse Butterfly11? After all, you're the fOW.

 

Just sayin'

 

OP isn't at all worried. They are soulmates.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you both for your well wishes I do realize I am one of the few with a happy ending.

 

I do think civility is the best way to go with the BS. I figured I would just kill her with kindness, but maybe that will make her hate me more.

 

Don't. As I said in my other reply, it'll come off as forced and fake, not genuine.

 

Have some sympathy for her, don't give off the energy of "I WON, I GOT YOUR MAN" kind of attitude. Not saying you're going to do this, but keep in mind that your soon to be H was HER husband first and I'm sure going through that loss of her family unit as one wasn't easy on her, even though she was the one who filed (though he did leave first).. This woman is going to be in your lives forever - It'll take time to find a comfortable place so you both feel Ok with one another.

[BB07]

Hi Butterfly,

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

 

Since you will now have stepchildren and you are going to be a stepmom, it's necessary that you met the xw. You have no way of knowing but hopefully she is past the worst of the hurt and the anger and it sounds as if you are sympathetic to this. So that should leave you with the understanding that it might be uncomfortable for all concerned at the beginning, so don't have big expectations one way or the other. More than likely the xw is mostly concerned about your role as a stepmother and has concern for her children. Both of you have to have a relationship because of the kids, so if you both are wise you will try to make it as amiable as possible.

 

If I were you, I'd be classy, gracious and kind, no matter what. Also allow her a little time to warm up to you. Who knows.......you may greatly be surprised at the possibilities.

[YellowShark]

OP isn't at all worried. They are soulmates.

 

If only I had a dime for every time I've read that on Loveshack in the OM/OW threads.

[LadyDi]

Even if she's cold and hatefull, eventually over the years she'll move on. You just have to endure & wait it out. She's a Mom, she wants the best for her kids and as long as you are treating them well, she'll see that and lighten up. Worked for me! It's been 22 years now and while the ex and I aren't best bud's, we can socialize at the kids & grandkids special events etc and everyone is comfortable. ....of course the first couple years were stressed, but you know you have to accept that.

[Butterfly11]

Your upcoming M is a RARITY among APs. Congratulations and best wishes! You come a across in your post as a decent person. Be yourself. Don't go into a meeting with a script or plan, except for how you would open the conversation. Given that your soon to be H is divoroced and time which has passed, I would be surprised if it got ugly with her. Cheers...

Thank you. I really would be surprised if she was ugly too. For the most part she has been very agreeable and amicable with her fH, but when I come into discussion, not so much.

 

 

The assumption that all BS's hate the AP is a load of crap. Did I dislike her and the things she did to my family in my house...damn straight. Did I dislike the continued unwanted contact...damn straight. Did/Do I hate her.....not on your life. No one is worth my salvation by hating. She is a part of my life, like so many situations that changed me and my outlook on people, but hate... it's not for everyone.

 

It seems that sometimes that term is used to make one feel better about their role in hurting so many. Hate is an easier emotion to deal with than a hurt person and recognizes that one participated in that pain.

 

I'm glad to hear that not all BS hate the AP. I realize the hurt I caused and I just assume that because of that she would hate me. For me, that is how I originally felt about the OW from my fh EA...I hated her with all my heart, but you are right it wasn't worth my time nor was it her fault entirely. I soon directed at the right person my fH But now everything is hunky dorey between us.

 

Aren't you the least bit worried that in time you will become the betrayed spouse Butterfly11? After all, you're the fOW.

 

Just sayin'

 

I've wondered about it, sure, how could I not. Is there EVER a guarantee that my SO, MM, BF won't cheat on me, no. Do I believe that because of the difficult relationships that we have both been through we will be more inclinced to voice our concerns and needs in the relationship and try to make sure that we don't grow apart over time, yes.

 

You two probably won't be friends...For a long time, but you CAN take the lead and make it all about the kids. Make it clear to her (with respect) that you're not trying to replace her as the kids mom and you only want what's best for them. Make the focus about putting the kids first. She sees how genuine you are, she more than likely will respect you for it.

 

Don't assume she HATES you and is going to pick a fight, be cruel or go off on you. Go in with a positive attitude, but don't over do it and be TOO nice to her because then it's going to look forced and fake.

 

How does she get along with her exH? Are they friendly enough towards eachother as parents?

I've hung out with their kids on several occasions, after the divorce, I never met them prior to that. The kids really like me, her little one actually said she loved me last time we hung out They don't even know we are dating, much less talking about engagement, they are children so we are taking it slowly, as we should. However, after one occasion when her youngest was gushing about me and my son she was definitely under the assumption that I was trying to replace her, which I'm not. She had a breakdown, but she seemed to be calmed by her fH that I wasn't trying to replace them. I just want to be their friend and I hope through their approval of me, that she will come to accept me over time.

 

 

Hi Butterfly,

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

 

Since you will now have stepchildren and you are going to be a stepmom, it's necessary that you met the xw. You have no way of knowing but hopefully she is past the worst of the hurt and the anger and it sounds as if you are sympathetic to this. So that should leave you with the understanding that it might be uncomfortable for all concerned at the beginning, so don't have big expectations one way or the other. More than likely the xw is mostly concerned about your role as a stepmother and has concern for her children. Both of you have to have a relationship because of the kids, so if you both are wise you will try to make it as amiable as possible.

 

If I were you, I'd be classy, gracious and kind, no matter what. Also allow her a little time to warm up to you. Who knows.......you may greatly be surprised at the possibilities.

 

I would be surprised if we were friends one day, but you never know I'll take your advice and be classy, gracious and kind.

 

Even if she's cold and hatefull, eventually over the years she'll move on. You just have to endure & wait it out. She's a Mom, she wants the best for her kids and as long as you are treating them well, she'll see that and lighten up. Worked for me! It's been 22 years now and while the ex and I aren't best bud's, we can socialize at the kids & grandkids special events etc and everyone is comfortable. ....of course the first couple years were stressed, but you know you have to accept that.

 

Thank you that gives me hope. I want to be able to socialize at birthdays and events together without any discomfort. I think you are right, that it will get better over time...it already has come a long way. Though we've never met, I think she will see that I'm not the bad as she thinks.

[whichwayisup]

I've hung out with their kids on several occasions, after the divorce, I never met them prior to that. The kids really like me, her little one actually said she loved me last time we hung out They don't even know we are dating, much less talking about engagement, they are children so we are taking it slowly, as we should. However, after one occasion when her youngest was gushing about me and my son she was definitely under the assumption that I was trying to replace her, which I'm not. She had a breakdown, but she seemed to be calmed by her fH that I wasn't trying to replace them. I just want to be their friend and I hope through their approval of me, that she will come to accept me over time.

Just have compassion for her. It's not easy to let another woman help raise your own flesh and blood.

 

How soon you two going to be married? What's the rush? Blended families take a while to mesh - You and your fiancee need to talk about how to handle this, and include his exwife as well.

 

Right now the kids are under the impression you're just a friend, once they know you and their dad are an item, they might react abit, as most kids always have the hope (even when D) that their folks will get back together someday.. especially young ones.

[Butterfly11]

We aren't even engaged yet. Planning on an engagement late this year and getting married late next year. We want to take it slow because of his kids.

 

Even though my son has never known a nuclear family because my EX and I divorced when he was 2mo...He still wants us to get back together (sigh).

[jwi71]

I think meeting the xW is a bad idea.

 

You two AREN'T even engaged at this point.

 

It, to me, smacks of rubbing you in the xW's face.

 

I have Gf's since my D...they don't meet my xW. Shoot, they don't even meet my kids for a calendar year.

 

I realize I'm not privy to the entirety of your situation...but that's my impression.

 

Personally, wouldn't go for the above reasons. Wait until he has proposed and bought you a ring. However, since you will go...expect an icy coolness and sharp tongue. Ignore it. I wouldn't talk about raising her kids - it seems odd since you are just the GF now. In fact, I have no idea what you two would talk about. The weather?

 

This is just bizarre to me.

[tami-chan]

Hi butterfly! Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!

 

Re: meeting the mom. Whose idea is it that you guys meet? I would not meet her it if she (xW) is not ready to meet you-not even if "it is for the sake of the kids". She has to want to meet you.

 

What does your BF say about his xW? Did he say she is handling the divorce well? Has she moved on (meaning, is she also dating)? etc.etc.

 

I would just be civil and cordial when you meet her. I would not start anything with an apology about how your relationship with her xH came to be-as that would just come off insincere. I would not go into details about the kids either. Make your initial meeting be about yourselves but make it light and short.

[Butterfly11]

Hi butterfly! Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!

 

Re: meeting the mom. Whose idea is it that you guys meet? I would not meet her it if she (xW) is not ready to meet you-not even if "it is for the sake of the kids". She has to want to meet you.

 

What does your BF say about his xW? Did he say she is handling the divorce well? Has she moved on (meaning, is she also dating)? etc.etc.

 

I would just be civil and cordial when you meet her. I would not start anything with an apology about how your relationship with her xH came to be-as that would just come off insincere. I would not go into details about the kids either. Make your initial meeting be about yourselves but make it light and short.

 

The xW has mentioned wanting to meet me partly as a way of moving forward and partly because she knows I spend time with her children. Most of the time she handles the divorce well in regards to her xH. I'm pretty much the only factor of their divorce that is difficult.

 

She did date someone for several months last year but broke it off because a psychiatrist said that it was too soon for her to have someone spending a lot of time with the kids. However, the same shrink told my future H that HE would know when the time was right to introduce me to the girls as his GF. Granted she had her BF there all day and past the time that they would go to bed.

 

I like your advice about not apologizing or mentioning her kids when we meet. I do want her to just meet me and see that I'm not a bad person, even if I've made some bad choices.

 

To the previous poster I'm not sure what we would talk about, I think it will be a bit awkward.

[vanilla chai]

The assumption that all BS's hate the AP is a load of crap. Did I dislike her and the things she did to my family in my house...damn straight. Did I dislike the continued unwanted contact...damn straight. Did/Do I hate her.....not on your life. No one is worth my salvation by hating. She is a part of my life, like so many situations that changed me and my outlook on people, but hate... it's not for everyone.

 

It seems that sometimes that term is used to make one feel better about their role in hurting so many. Hate is an easier emotion to deal with than a hurt person and recognizes that one participated in that pain.

 

You said it all. Hate is a emotion that will consume you, and to be honest if it were me i wouldnt waste a ounce of energy on it.

[tami-chan]

You said it all. Hate is a emotion that will consume you, and to be honest if it were me i wouldnt waste a ounce of energy on it.

 

I agree hate is too heavy an emotion to be logging around for someone who so do not deserve to even be thought of. That said, some people say "they do not hate" that person or this person and yet still trash them every chance they get. It is called denial. Until they learn to accept that there is STILL so much negative emotions for the person, and are unable to refrain from transfering those negative emotions to other people who they see represent those that hurt him/her, healing is not going to come any easier or faster.

[Butterfly11]

I agree hate is too heavy an emotion to be logging around for someone who so do not deserve to even be thought of. That said, some people say "they do not hate" that person or this person and yet still trash them every chance they get. It is called denial. Until they learn to accept that there is STILL so much negative emotions for the person, and are unable to refrain from transfering those negative emotions to other people who they see represent those that hurt him/her, healing is not going to come any easier or faster.

 

Very true.

[bentnotbroken]

You said it all. Hate is a emotion that will consume you, and to be honest if it were me i wouldnt waste a ounce of energy on it.

 

 

For some hate is the thing that gets them through the day. Some it is the motivating factor in life change. Still for others it is a way of life. No one should assume that a BS falls into any of the above. I think the difference in hate and anger is huge but they are easily confused.

[vanilla chai]

For some hate is the thing that gets them through the day. Some it is the motivating factor in life change. Still for others it is a way of life. No one should assume that a BS falls into any of the above. I think the difference in hate and anger is huge but they are easily confused.

 

True, I don't think the bw hates her if she did why ask to meet the op. I think the bw may dislike the op and thats understandable, considering what happend. At this point i believe the bw wants to see who will be around her children just like any concerned mother.

[pureinheart]

I couldn't remember my last username and the email acct I created it on has been closed, so I'm new but not

 

I'm the fOW soon to be the MW to the divorced MM. I've never had a more loving, honest and close relationship, nor has he. Our affair lasted 4 months, until she found out. At the time he chose to stay for the children and I supported that decision no matter how much it broke my heart. I was completely ready to let him go, I knew I couldn't live in that A for much longer. We had NC for 3 days and then I get a not so nice call from the BS on my voicemail. I didn't know what was going on so I phoned him. He had decided that even as much as he loved and wanted to be there for his kids, he would never really lose them, not like he would lose me if he stayed. He realized that he couldn't put the love he felt for me aside, especially when his feelings toward his W had faded into just a friendship/roommate kind of love with zero intimacy. He left, she filed, and they divorced 8 months later.

 

That was a year and two months ago since dday. I've been looking at rings at his request and we've already picked a date. I'm very excited about spending my life with my soulmate. Meeting each other was like finding ourselves in another person. This is the kind of love I always dreamed about but never thought I would find.

 

My only regret is wishing things could have developed differently and his fW and kids could have been spared the pain and hurt they went through. My ex had an EA on me, we divorced, and I was a very unhappy person for 8 months and then I decided to move on, we are on friendly terms now I didn't plan on having the affair with fMM nor had he ever had one before. We both realize we settled when we married our previous spouses..everyone else was doing it, this person was good enough, and you are at that age, etc...

 

Anyway, my STBH wants me to meet the fW. As a future stepmom to his children and a mother myself I can understand why he wants us to meet. I am hesitant for sure, I can already feel the scathing, hating eyes and the bitter tongue. I know she hates me with all she has and I can understand why. I know we will probably never have a relationship. I wonder if meeting her is even a good idea? But if it does happen, how do act toward her? I'm a very friendly, laid back person for the most part. She is not so much. If she attacks me verbally do I just let her get it off her chest? Do I attack back? I know I am probably asking too much, but how do I make it easier for her?

 

Hey B11...I think I remember you:), and crongrats on your new M...

 

As soon as exDM was separated from now exW his now exW invited us to "Thanksgiving Dinner"...I could not believe that exDM asked me to go...OMG..I smelled a set up as she filed a restraining order on him 1 month prior...ahhhh the wonderful memories...lol...

 

In your case why not talk on the phone or email first...even if she is hiding, you'll still see a "tone"...hey, good luck on that one B11...