A bit of history and how to handle meeting the BS.

[Butterfly11]

There will definitely not be any manipulation or trying to Disney step-mom them into liking me. I do feel they already like and accept me, this is of course with them blind to my roll in their parents D.

 

LOL about your son that sounds about like mine

 

My experience as a 9 yr old was, I got told that the split was due to neutral reasons, but found out about the OW at a later date, having been introduced to her as my Dad's friend. I have to be honest, I disliked her intensely, but my little sister thought she was great.

 

I think I found her a bit false and didn't trust her, but that was probably due to the circumstances at the time rather than her as a person. I kept it very well covered, and was always polite and kind to her.

 

Did you eventually overcome your dislike of her?

Edited August 3, 2010 by Butterfly11

[whichwayisup]

I do feel they already like and accept me, this is of course with them blind to my roll in their parents D.

 

Exactly. Once you're introduced as daddy's girlfriend, they're going to feel threatened and jealous. They don't need to know about the affair and how you two ended up together, though one day they WILL figure it out by remembering you were 'around' before the D.

[Butterfly11]

Does your BF's exW want to get together precisely for the reason...to discuss what to tell the children?

 

I wouldn't be happy if someone told my kids the quote in your post....too much spin there. TBH, the best people to explain are the parents, and it's best if they do it together and you stay out of it. I would also be surprised if this was covered up long term even if all 3 of you want that right now.

 

My experience as a 9 yr old was, I got told that the split was due to neutral reasons, but found out about the OW at a later date, having been introduced to her as my Dad's friend. I have to be honest, I disliked her intensely, but my little sister thought she was great.

 

I think I found her a bit false and didn't trust her, but that was probably due to the circumstances at the time rather than her as a person. I kept it very well covered, and was always polite and kind to her.

 

My dad had lots of female friends, and it was pretty easy to work out that this 'friend' was different. I think honestly is the best policy with the kids but you're going to have to deal with them judging you over it at some point, as kids are very judgmental...and possibly blaming you too.

 

Your BF is the one who has to step in then and explain his part in the whole thing...is he prepared to do that?

 

Exactly. Once you're introduced as daddy's girlfriend, they're going to feel threatened and jealous. They don't need to know about the affair and how you two ended up together, though one day they WILL figure it out by remembering you were 'around' before the D.

 

I met them one time prior to the D at a group function with lots of other kids...the D was final later that week. I think it was 2 months before I saw them again. Only within the past few months have we gotten together for play dates.

[HappyAtLast]

I have always been a strong advocate of allowing my children to be children and protecting them from adult-type situations. Early on in my first marriage, I never allowed them to find out about my first wife's infidelity. They were children, it had nothing to do with them. To this day, many years later, they are still not aware of it. There is no reason for them to think badly of their mother and no reason at all for them to be privy to details that do not concern them.

 

It is my very humble opinion that children do not belong in the middle of adult problems.

[Butterfly11]

I have always been a strong advocate of allowing my children to be children and protecting them from adult-type situations. Early on in my first marriage, I never allowed them to find out about my first wife's infidelity. They were children, it had nothing to do with them. To this day, many years later, they are still not aware of it. There is no reason for them to think badly of their mother and no reason at all for them to be privy to details that do not concern them.

 

It is my very humble opinion that children do not belong in the middle of adult problems.

I agree whole-heartedly.

[silverfish]

There will definitely not be any manipulation or trying to Disney step-mom them into liking me. I do feel they already like and accept me, this is of course with them blind to my roll in their parents D.

 

LOL about your son that sounds about like mine

 

 

 

Did you eventually overcome your dislike of her?

 

Not really, but she wasn't around very long. My Dad had a lot of gf's and is now remarried. I liked some of them, didn't like others and loved 2 of them - the one he is now married to, and one that he was only with for about 6 months.

 

The only common factor in the ones I didn't like was that they were quite demanding of his attention. I think that was quite hard to take as we only saw him 1 day a week.

 

With Mandy (the first), I worked out that she was the reason my parents split from things she wrote him that got left around his house....I was a bit of a snooper .

 

My kids are the same, they seem to pick up on things more than we realise, which is why I think honesty is best....saves them trying to work it out for thmeselves.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wonder if meeting her is even a good idea? But if it does happen, how do act toward her? I'm a very friendly, laid back person for the most part. She is not so much. If she attacks me verbally do I just let her get it off her chest?

 

yes

 

 

Do I attack back?

 

you already attacked, by sleeping with her husband.

 

 

I know I am probably asking too much, but how do I make it easier for her?

 

tell your fMM that its a horrible idea. Its almost as if he wants to shove you in her face.

 

You will no doubt have to deal with her at some point, but making a special "meeting" is stupid.

 

But if he insists, then he needs to realize that he is opening up a hornet's nest and need not be suprised, nor defensive if she lets the both of you have it. her anger is understandable.

[Butterfly11]

Yes Silverfish, I see my son pick up on things I really didn't think he would notice. I'm always honest with him and tell him in a way that is appropriate for his age so he can understand. It works for us

 

Dexter. IMO, he thinks that us meeting will make things easier once everyone is introduced. I'm not sure how and I've told him that it will just make things worse. He tends to agree with me but he knows it is inevitable so perhaps he is just trying to get it over with.

[JAGeezer]

That is one heck of a cautionary tale Jag!

Sorry for the t/j, but why did the 2nd affair kill her, if you don't mind me asking.

 

Okay, I'm not running a thread jack, so this is all I'll say on that issue. Her 2nd A caused her death by its existence. Though you could blame it on the first A too, since her AP from the first A was an insanely jealous bastard who couldn't stand the thought of her with someone else. He nearly went berserk when she was pregnant with our second child. So he killed her and her 2nd AP. As it stands I was lucky that my kids didn't end up orphans.

 

Which is why the stories on sites like LS boggle my mind more than a bit. Granted, my own life was the nightmare worst case scenario. But if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. It's one of the possibilities that's on the table in each and every A that someone engages in. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together can see it. So...why in god's name would you bring that possibility into your life, or the lives of people whom you claim to love? No matter what you think you feel for your AP, it simply cannot be worth the risk. And yet people do it, again, and again, and again, all the while believing that it can't happen to them. That they won't get caught. Time and again people feed their spouses and children into a meat-grinder because they can't say no and mean it.

 

I won't get caught. Not me. It won't happen to me.

 

It's like it's the punchline of the oldest saddest longest running dirty joke in the history of humanity.

 

It's why my current W and I are zero-tolerance on infidelity, even among family and friends. Anyone who takes those kinds of risks just to get some is too dangerous to socialize with.

 

Jag: At what age do you wish you would have told the children about their mom's A? I believe that some information needs to be withheld until the child reaches an age where he can comprehend the information he is receiving. I could see if they asked for information, providing them with as much as was appropriate.

 

My family's plan didn't work out so well for us, but our intention was to wait until the youngest child was in her mid-teens, and even then there was a fudge factor that would have made it my call on whether or not she was mature enough. We could have told them when she was fourteen, or waited as late as eighteen. Or we may have ended up following your fH's route and never telling them if they didn't appear to be grown up enough to handle it. As it is, we'll never know because that waste of space told them when my oldest boy was only twelve.

 

JAG

[Butterfly11]

Ummm, wow that definitely is a worse case scenario of an A gone wrong. That was a terrible tragedy to happen to your family, I'm sorry.

[desertmoon]

I have always been a strong advocate of allowing my children to be children and protecting them from adult-type situations. Early on in my first marriage, I never allowed them to find out about my first wife's infidelity. They were children, it had nothing to do with them. To this day, many years later, they are still not aware of it. There is no reason for them to think badly of their mother and no reason at all for them to be privy to details that do not concern them.

 

It is my very humble opinion that children do not belong in the middle of adult problems.

 

I agree! I have always protected my daughter from the ugly stuff that happened in my marriage. When her dad and I agreed to divorce, we sat her down and talked to her...she was sad but she understood that we were fallible and we came short of a lot of things-as spouses, as parents--but we tried to make the best of what we had...it might not be the best for others..still........

 

and so far so good..it is all I can hope for, considering.

[Butterfly11]

I found my original post, the one with the username I forgot. The A had just started and I already a mess of emotions. There are some familiar names in there, everyone pretty much had the same advice....run!

[JAGeezer]

Ummm, wow that definitely is a worse case scenario of an A gone wrong. That was a terrible tragedy to happen to your family, I'm sorry.

 

There's an irony to that statement. How can an act that is, by definition and in all it's permutations, fundamentally wrong...go wrong? If my late first W had staying faithful none of that would have happened. If her AP's had possessed an ounce of integrity between them, none of that would have happened. Easy as pie.

 

JAG

[Butterfly11]

There's an irony to that statement. How can an act that is, by definition and in all it's permutations, fundamentally wrong...go wrong? If my late first W had staying faithful none of that would have happened. If her AP's had possessed an ounce of integrity between them, none of that would have happened. Easy as pie.

 

JAG

Yes I know, but it is still sad Even though what she did to you was is wrong, I don't think she deserved death. (I know that isn't what you are saying). I hope he is in jail....forever.

Edited August 4, 2010 by Butterfly11

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter. IMO, he thinks that us meeting will make things easier once everyone is introduced. I'm not sure how and I've told him that it will just make things worse. He tends to agree with me but he knows it is inevitable so perhaps he is just trying to get it over with.

 

you don't set up a special meeting to get it over with. he just needs to tell her that you will be part of their lives and that even though her anger with the both of you is understandable, that he needs to assure her that you will be good to his kids.

 

I assure you, the fBS doesn't want to be introduced to you and a special meeting to do so could be seen as adding insult to injury.

[OWoman]

IMO, he thinks that us meeting will make things easier once everyone is introduced. I'm not sure how and I've told him that it will just make things worse. He tends to agree with me but he knows it is inevitable so perhaps he is just trying to get it over with.

 

I'm not sure it is inevitable. I've been living full-time with my H and his kids for more than two years now, and I have yet to "meet" my H's xW. And we live in a tiny village! (We have only once been in the same place at the same time - she kept well away from us and since then has made sure that she never lands up in the same place as us.) With his kids almost out of the house, it's quite possible that they will move on and out before we do "meet", severing the last connection between my H and his xW, and leaving her free to move off to wherever she would prefer to be.

 

With younger kids, there is obviously more scheduling required around drop-offs and pick-ups, but it's still pretty easy to avoid having to bump into someone you'd rather not see...

[Butterfly11]

I'm not sure it is inevitable. I've been living full-time with my H and his kids for more than two years now, and I have yet to "meet" my H's xW. And we live in a tiny village! (We have only once been in the same place at the same time - she kept well away from us and since then has made sure that she never lands up in the same place as us.) With his kids almost out of the house, it's quite possible that they will move on and out before we do "meet", severing the last connection between my H and his xW, and leaving her free to move off to wherever she would prefer to be.

 

With younger kids, there is obviously more scheduling required around drop-offs and pick-ups, but it's still pretty easy to avoid having to bump into someone you'd rather not see...

 

Being a mom I have to ask, do you think it is her right to meet someone who will be spending a lot of time around her children? Or should she just trust that her xH won't bring them around anyone he doesn't trust? I don't think that our meeting is a necessity. He loves me and trusts me, he knows I'm a good mother and I treat his children well. So, shouldn't he be the one to comfort the xW concerns about me being a bad role model on the children? I'm not sure how putting me in her face saying, "See, she isn't so bad", will make her feel better. Because I believe her concerns about me don't have anything to do with the children...it's just the fact that it is ME.

[Dexter Morgan]

Being a mom I have to ask, do you think it is her right to meet someone who will be spending a lot of time around her children?

 

sure its her right, but it should be her decision whether or not she wants to cash in that right.....not for xH and OW to assume it would be the best thing for her.

 

 

 

So, shouldn't he be the one to comfort the xW concerns about me being a bad role model on the children?

 

yes, just as I said before. And he can ask the xW about a meeting, but if she doesn't want it, then it should be dropped.

 

 

I'm not sure how putting me in her face saying, "See, she isn't so bad", will make her feel better. Because I believe her concerns about me don't have anything to do with the children...it's just the fact that it is ME.

 

well it might have a small, teeny bit to do with the children. Some people might see those that are unscrupulous in their minds not fit to be around their children.

 

Although I feel this way about x-wifes now husband, I just want to make sure he doesn't mistreat my kids. Thats all I'm concerned with.

 

all you can do is be good to her kids, stay out of her way, and and not treat her as if she has no right to dislike you or H.