Misanne Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Hey every one kinda new to this, but I have a little situation. Let me give you the run-down and mabye someone can help me out. I recently bumped into a high school sweetheart and the feelings were mutual. He seemed extermley interested in me, calling on the phone, meeting places just to talk going out to eat, things like that. Although there were a few breaks in time where we did not communicate on a regular basis, ( presently we have not talked in about a week). In the beginning he told me that he had a situation that he wanted to talk to me about later. Time went on and I asked him about it, he seemed a little hesitant to tell me in the beginning, but he is "married (sepearted for a couple of months)...with childeren". I asked him what the big deal was with telling me this because we had not seen each other in about 4-5 years. He said that he did not want to scare me away, and reminded me that he is seperated. We continued to communicate with each other and he constantly reassures me that ther is no chance for him and Wifey to get back together, and he wants to be with me. At times he has even reffered to our reunion as a "relationship". He knows that I am not comfortable with getting any deeper while he is officially married. My feelings are really deep for this man, deeper that I will allow him or anyone else (my best friend ) to see. I feel stupid because I have allowed my self to have feelings for a man that is married, and seperated. I know that he says that he is seperated...but he is still married, in my mind meanning that if he and his wife work things out, that's that. How should I handel this situation with out crossing anyone's boundaries, and getting myself more attached to what may end up being just another pipe dream??? Misanne Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Tell him how you feel, communication is the best choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Go through this site and read all the posts about the "Other Man/Woman" situations and take in how many end in broken hearts. The odds are that he'll go back to his wife, however that is not always the case. I would protect your heart and tell him that you don't want to carry on the way you have been until he files for divorce and it's final. If he never does it, then you know he really didn't love you enough to leave his wife. And, you end up protecting your heart. Definitely withdraw from him for the time being until you know for sure that he can committ to you and only you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 feel stupid because I have allowed my self to have feelings for a man that is married, and seperated. Feelings aren't the problem, because they can't be controlled. Actions are another thing because the ARE controllable. If you feel this guy is worth waiting for, then wait for him, but tell him that in no uncertain terms that you have no intentions of getting involved with him while he's still married and that once he is divorced you'll consider dating him. Until then, the ball is in his court. Maybe he'll be inspired to get his affairs in order and the divorce complete so that he can be with you on your terms, or maybe he'll just remain sitting on the fence called "separation." Whatever he decides, make sure he understands the rules of the game. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 It would kind of depend on the dynamics of the alledged 'separation'. It is legal? Does he still livea t home? What is his communication with her? What is the reason why he isn't going on with a divorce? How long has he been separated? Those, and more, questions are the ones you should be asking and making note of. The answers will determine if he's on his way to really being single....or if he's goofing with your heart. I stayed with someone for over 2 years who was 'separated'.....but the RatBastard is STILL married! Before you get to a point of totally involving your heart.....really check out the situation and don't get duped in like I did. No matter WHAT excuse he gives.....tell him you need answers and need them NOW! Be VERY careful with your heart! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misanne Posted May 17, 2004 Author Share Posted May 17, 2004 Well Folks I just want to get some feed back on this one also. Needless to say...hey O.k. I did not take any ones advice not even my own, and things got involved. So now here is the situation as it stands. We did get physical and we still saw each other. Now we are not talking. I mean when I was with him everytning was cool, and there were some instances that lead to this current point. After we were together once I did not call for a week and he was very bothered by that, but at the same time he did not call me either. Then After we met one weekend ( about 2 weeks ago)his *Seperatee* ( or what ever she really is minus what he had told me ) called me. The first time she said that she had the wrong #. The second time she talked, said she was tring to find out how my # got in her phone( when he called the # was blocked). I thought that it was some girl calling for my brother ( she was very cival, did not rant and rage)as he uses my phone sometimes. I explained that to her, then she asked me did I know him (My heart dropped ) I told her yes, I knew him from highschool (I felt no reason to lie, especially for him, if he was lying to me about her and their situation**I did not sign up for that class). Then she basically said O.K. Thanks, did not ask any additional questions or any thing ( which makes my believe that he was a supsect before, she did not really seem shocked or up set). The entire thing left me a little rattled. Later that night I got a call about midnight from what I think was his mom's #. I picked up did not say any thing cause I did not know who it was, and the other person did not say anything either. I think that it was him. Have not heard from him since, confirming to me that every thing that he told me was not the pure truth. And then I know that she is not around him 24-7 so why has he not called? Caught yes, could he be this cold or did she really scare him into having no contact with me? I saved both #'s in my phone. I am contemplation having my brother call and having him ask who's # was in his phone just to try to find out what's up? I really want to talk to him again so that I can put some closure to this situation by explaining to him how I did not think that he was that self-sirvin' *******, that he really is and I just really want to unload all of these negative feelings that I have for him. I don't want to call her phone, or his mom's I think that that would be a little out of line, plus that was 2 weeks ago. Oh and by the way he thinks that there is some possibility that I may be pregnant, but he does not know for sure cause I have not spoken with him since the last time we kicked it and my "status "was in question then. So I feel like he should call back to find out if he has a baby on the way... but this fella has suprised me thus far, I would not be suprised if he calls back for christmas. But ....if he does call back, how do I react I don't want to come off as a raging ranting wild woman but I do want to stick it to him. Because He was always flipping things back on me like I was the one that wrong about things. Sorry to be so long winded. But I am hot so madd at my self but mad at him also I feel as though I have been had. Like before he respected me and all that good stuff now I have been conqured....and now it;s time for him to keep it moving. I really want him to know that part of the reason that I have had this life experience is because he lied, and although I'm feeling stupid, I am not broken, I won't loose any sleep over him , and every DOG has his day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misanne Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Does anyone have any comments that they would like to make to help me with this situation??? Link to post Share on other sites
istilllovehim Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Did you find out if you are pregnant or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Originally posted by Misanne Does anyone have any comments that they would like to make to help me with this situation??? Um, learn from your mistakes and if you're not pregnant, then forget this man ever existed. Link to post Share on other sites
Becks84 Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I understand your need for closure...so call him up and get it! Dont worry about anyone else in this situation but yourself. Sounds like you've been played and if he has lied to you, don't worry about him being busted out! Get what you need, as far as closure...and then move on and never look back. You dont need all that drama in your life! Best wishes to you Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
virginia70065 Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Unfortunately, it seems that this guy left his brains and crotch in the high-school era. It's so easy for us to fall for the charm, the sweet words, and just when we think we can trust them totally--they pull this. If I'm reading your post correctly, he hasn't called you since? Like Becks said, I would call him back, if that would give you closure (and I wouldn't blame you one bit). If his "seperatee" answers, oh well--that's the risk he took. Let him have it and then let it go--don't carry it around inside of you. Not all men are scumbags. I hope that you're okay--did you find out anything about being pregnant? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misanne Posted May 19, 2004 Author Share Posted May 19, 2004 Well I am pretty sure that i am not "with child" the test was negative. Part of me wants to move on and just forget about it, but the other part really wants to stick it to em'. So with saying that, But I don't know why I AM FEELING a little skiddish calling. One of the numbers that I have is her # ( the other # I don't know who it belongs to)so there is no doubt that she will be the one answering the phone, and if that happens what do I do then? Do I politely ask her or anyone that answers the other phone to give him a message? For some reason I don't think that than plan is going to work. I mean I don't know this woman I have nothing good or bad to say about her, I have no reason to have an attitude with her and I don't think she really has a reason to have one with me (BUT I don't know if she knows this, knowing how things really went down) ... my negative felings are not towards her, they are directed towards him. I don't want this to turn into one of those stupid situations where the 2 women are stuck dealing with the mess that the dogg *** man started and he is laid up having a Brewsky with the fellas laughing at us cause he thinks that by the way we are acting he's worth fightin' over. Maybe she is willing to fight over him cause that is "supposed " to be her husband , but I am not. The day after she called me I let my brother use my phone for the day and he called both #'s back ( cause he thought it was someone for him) asking who call this #( kinda like a repeat of what she did) so I don't know if she thinks that "we were both cheating" or what, but that certainly is not the case. But I am thinking that he certainally should want to call back, even if it is to save his own hide. I mean how do you lie about steppin' out ( if it is true that he is not seperated) then explain a baby nine months later, or a phone call from another woman saying I'm pregnant, and it seems that he would want to have a heads up in this situation( he does not know for sure if I am pregnant or not) cause we have not talked. I mean she probally did bust him and that is why I have not heard from him but dang if he is that scared of her finding out he should not have did it and lied about it to me or her. But what type of man is unconcerned about a possible child because of something selfish that he did. I just feel so stupid and I don't want to be viewed as the mad woman who is angry at the world cause he went back to his wife , cause that was not part of the deal. We had no deal I did not agree to hide or lie about anything, I was only operating under the assumption that he was telling the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misanne Posted May 20, 2004 Author Share Posted May 20, 2004 any one waht to chime in??? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 The fact that you haven't heard from him speaks volumes. It's over, he was caught. If you feel you need closure, then say to him whatever you want to say and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misanne Posted May 21, 2004 Author Share Posted May 21, 2004 Thanks for all of your responses, I should have just followed my first mind and all of the obvious advice that you all were giving me earlier, now I have had experience as the best teacher. I am starting to feel that my feelings to confront him are coming from anger, rather than the need for closure, and I don't know if that is healthy or not. I don't want her to think that I was fully aware of the situation and condonded what was going on. But even from the short conversation that we had I don't think that this is the first time that she has had to deal with this situation with him. I don't know if I am further willing to "look like" I am experssing some concern from him by possibly having to go through a third party (seperatee, or family member) to contact and confront him. Then I just look pathetic. I feel as though mabye I need to concentrate on getting me and my priorities in order instead of tryng to bring drama into some one elses life, even if they brought it into mine. As far as he is concerned bad habbits are not that easy to change and every dog has his day even if I don't have a hand in it. Mabye that is a part of growing up, taking responsibility for my part in this charade (sp), assessing the situation and truly moving on, accepting it the right way, and not just patching feelings up. Like you said it is what it is...and it turned out to be less than nothing. Who knows mabye if I even see him in passing, once I have taken and applied my own advice, I won't even feel the need to lift a finger or waste a breath, I mean he did'nt. And things that he has done on his part are not really characteristics that I am looking for in a man. Thanks to you all wish I would have listened to you and me way earlier Link to post Share on other sites
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