his love confuses me

[sarah]

hi, Iv been with my first love for 2 1/2 months, he has a lot of pressure: his own business, doing A-levels. Our relationship puts pressure on him as we live 40 mins away from each other and the time we can see each other is limited. I feel he doesn't put enough effort in our relationship to that of his business. He says that he is a workoholic and loves it but why can't he handle the work which our relationship involves.

 

Today I was sent a letter, not that it was of much surprise as he said he had been thinking about us whilst on holiday for a whole month. In this letter it basically said that the work and the distance between us was putting such a strain on him and it wasn't fair on either of us so it is best to go back to being good friends. I don't wont to do that and do not know what to suggest. If i was able to move nearer to him i would do as i love him with all my heart, one problem i am 16 he is 19.

 

I told him that if two peoples love is strong enough then they would find a way to make the distance and work related thing work. I am confused as he says he does love me and he stresses this, yet he is not willing to make an effort to see me more than once a week. He says its not fair and we cannot afford it (I know he can)and id give all i had to the relationship. I know he has a hell of alot of work but where do I stand I ask my self am I bottom of his priorities. What can I do and suggest to keep the relationship going as he loves me i love him we are good for each other, enjoy each others company etc he is perfect for me. Why if he loves me and says im what he has wanted for so long does he want the relationship to end a for us to be good friends. Why wont he make the effort? He said he is upset. Im confused big time please help as i love him to bits and I want to make a go of our relationship and try to make it last longer.

 

Iv thought about a casual relationship or just seeing what happens when we return to being good friends. I don't want to pressure him either. Hes going to phone me when he gets back in a few days.

 

Please help as im hurting so bad and my thoughts are running wild. I don't know what to do he writes at the end in capitals "you will survive without me" i don't want to.

 

Email me please: <e-mail address removed>

 

Thanks alot

 

sarah

[Tony T]

Dear Sarah:

 

There's a lot of things that may be going on here.

 

I think you are very mature for your age and it seems he is as well. You have a great capacity for love and that is very good.

 

So, first, let me tell you about men and particulary men who have their own businesses. If he has his own business at 19, I can promise you he uses the majority of his energy to build that up. He probably comes from a family background where he was taught to stay busy or he stayed busy to escape family problems. For most men in business, that is their first love...or an extremely close second. Many men let life, family, friends, love, hobbies, travel, fun, etc. totally pass them by while they obsess with building their businesses. They go through life amassing great amounts of cash...and then die of a heart attack or stroke. Now, isn't that lovely. But, believe or not, that's the way they want to do things and that's what life's about...doing what you want.

 

You on the other hand are a woman and love is far more important to you...and it should be. You need to understand that not everyone puts love first. There are men who will put their horse, their ailing mom, their vintage automobile, their fishing boat or whatever ahead of their lady. Some women don't realize they do that until they marry those guys. Others, like you, are lucky to find out well ahead.

 

Now, I guess we all have our sort of limits in our minds but if I was really in love with a lady, first I would surely make time for her even if I had to involve her in my business. I think I would probably never date anyone that lived more than an hour or so away just because driving back home very late at night when I'm tired isn't what I want to do. But you only live 40 minutes from him and that isn't much.

 

I know you really love this guy. The only thing you can do is test him to see just how much he cares. You do this by dropping off the planet for a while; not returning his calls until a day or two later; not calling him at all sometimes; pretending simply not to care; doing things with other people; not being availble to see him except on rare occassions; nopt sending him messages, letters or Email; ceasing to do some of the nice things you do that he takes for granted; just plain playing hard to get. That is the only thing that may jump start his desire.

 

If that doesn't do it, I unconditionally guarantee you there are thousands of eligible men near you who would jump at the chance to be part of your life. You are 16 and it took me about 20 years to learn what I am going to tell you right now. It just isn't worth hanging around and going after somebody who doesn't want to do their part in a relationship. It doesn't pay to wait around for somebody to change their mind. It also doesn't pay to be too nice or too sweet to a member of the opposite sex. And a 19 year old guy is looking for a challenge. You have to be that.

 

Unless his testoterone level is very low, he is seeing someone else and you don't know it, he has some necessary organs missing, part of his brain is malformed, or he's from another planet, a 19 year old man should be oozzzing with desire for a nice girl like you, no matter how far you live.

 

I think there's something more going on here that you don't know about. How you handle finding out is your business.

 

My vote is if he doesn't come around soon, write him off.

[billy the kid]

sorry I didn't read all of our post, when I got to the 16-and 19 part and after he took a month holiday with out you come on .........geeeeze at 16 you should be playing him not the other way around....

hi, Iv been with my first love for 2 1/2 months, he has a lot of pressure: his own business, doing A-levels. Our relationship puts pressure on him as we live 40 mins away from each other and the time we can see each other is limited. I feel he doesn't put enough effort in our relationship to that of his business. He says that he is a workoholic and loves it but why can't he handle the work which our relationship involves. Today I was sent a letter, not that it was of much surprise as he said he had been thinking about us whilst on holiday for a whole month. In this letter it basically said that the work and the distance between us was putting such a strain on him and it wasn't fair on either of us so it is best to go back to being good friends. I don't wont to do that and do not know what to suggest. If i was able to move nearer to him i would do as i love him with all my heart, one problem i am 16 he is 19. I told him that if two peoples love is strong enough then they would find a way to make the distance and work related thing work. I am confused as he says he does love me and he stresses this, yet he is not willing to make an effort to see me more than once a week. He says its not fair and we cannot afford it (I know he can)and id give all i had to the relationship. I know he has a hell of alot of work but where do I stand I ask my self am I bottom of his priorities. What can I do and suggest to keep the relationship going as he loves me i love him we are good for each other, enjoy each others company etc he is perfect for me. Why if he loves me and says im what he has wanted for so long does he want the relationship to end a for us to be good friends. Why wont he make the effort? He said he is upset. Im confused big time please help as i love him to bits and I want to make a go of our relationship and try to make it last longer. Iv thought about a casual relationship or just seeing what happens when we return to being good friends. I don't want to pressure him either. Hes going to phone me when he gets back in a few days. Please help as im hurting so bad and my thoughts are running wild. I don't know what to do he writes at the end in capitals "you will survive without me" i don't want to. Email me please: <e-mail address removed> Thanks alot sarah