5 Years in and Having Doubt....

[FilledWithDoubt]

I have been engaged to my fiance for almost a year, and together for almost 5. I remember thinking before he proposed whether I would say yes or no (I had a feeling it was coming) and I was torn. I am now so confused about what I am feeling and how to proceed that it is tearing me up inside.

 

Here is what I am feeling. I love him. 90% of the time I like him. We bicker a lot, he and I are both strong willed and very sensitive people who trigger each other constantly. I look at him sometimes with all the love in my heart overflowing because I know what a wonderful person he is and that he loves me for who I am and that I could imagine a wonderful future for us both. Other times I want to cry because I don't feel anything for him (or for anyone - not depressed, just a little numb), just that I want to be alone, or I get stuck in my mind repeating all the things that he is not. It is like at times I can't even see the good in him, which I know he is filled with.

 

I am so confused and scared that I will make the wrong decision. What if leaving now is the worst choice I ever made? What if staying is? I know that everyone has struggles and issues, nothing is the perfect fairytale life, but I cannot distinguish between real issues that will bring this relationship to an end (warning signs) and my own BS fears of ending up like my mother in 3 failed relationships, 60 and alone because she could not do the personal work that was needed to make a relationship work (maybe a harsh judgment, because the guys were all jerks in their own ways).

 

Can I learn to accept and love him the way he is? Can we make it work together? Any person I decide to be with is going to have issues, right? I just told him the other day that I wanted to put off the marriage another year. Would I say that if I was really ready, without a doubt knowing that through thick and thin we would be able to work things out and be happy? Does anyone ever really know this?

 

What I really need is advice or reassurance from people who have been together for a long time (20+ years). Did you ever have the same kind of doubts I am having? Is this a phase, or in true love to you not doubt the fact that you will make it? Please, any advice or reflection would be helpful.

 

Thanks for reading this long post. I look forward to hearing your words.

 

-FilledWithDoubt

Edited August 1, 2010 by FilledWithDoubt

[Angel1111]

My very first reaction after reading what you wrote is to say that you need to pass on this marriage. Your feelings (or the lack thereof), the bickering and 'triggering' one another are very bad signs. However, the two of you have a lot of history together and it's going to be very, very hard to disentangle yourself from him.

 

Having said that, I think that whether or not you marry him depends a lot on what you want out of a marriage. Do you want a man you admire and trust and look up to, or do you want a man who's like a buddy to you and someone you could take or leave? Only you can answer these questions. But I can tell you from my own personal experience that having been married 3 times, I walked into each marriage feeling very apprehensive about it - and they all failed and they were all unfixable. Don't judge your mother - she's better off alone than with a jerk. Some relationships are not fixable and that's a fact. Sometimes, our instincts or feelings are signs that something is wrong. 100% of the time, whenever I have ignored those signs, I've paid for it dearly.

 

I think, overall, it's a mistake to marry this guy but I don't know if you have the strength or conviction that it will take to walk away. Just know that your feelings aren't going to improve once you're married - they most likely will get worse. Marriage magnifies the issues.

[aerogurl87]

My very first reaction after reading what you wrote is to say that you need to pass on this marriage. Your feelings (or the lack thereof), the bickering and 'triggering' one another are very bad signs. However, the two of you have a lot of history together and it's going to be very, very hard to disentangle yourself from him.

 

Having said that, I think that whether or not you marry him depends a lot on what you want out of a marriage. Do you want a man you admire and trust and look up to, or do you want a man who's like a buddy to you and someone you could take or leave? Only you can answer these questions. But I can tell you from my own personal experience that having been married 3 times, I walked into each marriage feeling very apprehensive about it - and they all failed and they were all unfixable. Don't judge your mother - she's better off alone than with a jerk. Some relationships are not fixable and that's a fact. Sometimes, our instincts or feelings are signs that something is wrong. 100% of the time, whenever I have ignored those signs, I've paid for it dearly.

 

I think, overall, it's a mistake to marry this guy but I don't know if you have the strength or conviction that it will take to walk away. Just know that your feelings aren't going to improve once you're married - they most likely will get worse. Marriage magnifies the issues.

 

I agree with everything Angel just said. Usually those little nagging feelings are a sign that something is amiss in the relationship and maybe that you need to move on. With that said, it's alarming to me that you said " I love him. 90% of the time I like him." Now do you mean 90% of the time you only like him and the other 10% you actually love him? If that's the case you need to break off the engagement and not marry this man. Maybe my boyfriend and I are weird, but even when we argue and disagree, I still love him with all my heart and he loves me (something that was missing in my other relationships and which I later figured out is a key to me being happy with someone else). Now it may not be the same with you, but honestly if your really back and forth on being with him you need to just break up now.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Probably just what you don't want to hear ... or you would already be there.

I think you would benefit from counseling to help you sort our whether this guy is right for you, or maybe you are not ready to enter a marriage.

 

The bickering and triggering - that's not good, but you are a participant in that and you responsible for your own part. Bickering takes two.

 

I think many of us look at loved ones and don't "feel the lurrrve" throughout our lives, at times, and don't experience our feelings at all sometimes too. You say that you DO look at him at times and feel immense love, and I think that counts for a lot.

 

How old are you?

 

What did he say when you told him you want to wait another year?

[FilledWithDoubt]

Thank you for your words.

 

I am 28, and this is the most serious relationship I have ever had. I think we are both in a place where we are not loving ourselves that much for any number of reasons (no careers, struggling with money, and a past that is catching up) and it is reflected in the way we treat each other. It is so much easier to see the flaws in him than reflect on those same flaws I see in myself, and instead of bringing us closer, it makes me want to push him away.

 

On top of everything else, it kills me to think that my hangups and inability to deal with my baggage may be bringing him down. I want him and I to both have a happy existence, and I hope that we can do it together.

 

After I wrote this post this morning, and after I read the replies, I had to tell him about my fears. He said that he was feeling the same things I was but does not doubt that we should be together and that he is committed to making this work. I said the same, but am so full of doubt that it lingers in my stomach like a rock. I have an appointment with a counselor this afternoon so I can discuss what I am going through with someone who might be able to offer me a fresh perspective, because what is running through my head has stopped being helpful.

 

I have decided that I am not going to give up until I have tried to weather the storm and do the personal work I need to do, regardless of my relationship with him or anyone else. If I am not happy with myself, having the love of someone else will just postpone my feelings of inadequacy.

 

In response to the questions from the previous post, when I said that "90% of the time I like him" I meant that the other 10% of the time I don't. I love him always. The difference between my like and love are very important to me; I can love someone with all my heart, but if I do not believe they have integrity, or their actions are hurtful or emotionally abusive (which his are sometimes, although I genuinely believe not intentionally), I have historically walked away without looking back. This time I refuse to leave until I have seriously reflected on and tried to change those things about myself that are hurting the relationship.

 

I am still unsure if that commitment is naive, and I am simply afraid of the pain of trying to leave, or if it is honestly the right thing to do. There is only one way to find out...

[truelovepro]

If you need to find your answer, if he is right for you this is what you need to do. Take a break from him for a week or whatever time you need. Then makes plans with him for dinner and some kind of activity like miniature golf so you 2 can spend time together talking. Not a movie or a bar, somewhere the 2 you can focus on each other that would be fun. If you have a good time together that is step in the right direction. If you don't have fun together then you need to step back.

 

When you do hang out together again see how it feels. Give him a big hug at the end of the date and you will know then, if it feels right, if you feel comfortable and if you feel love. This will tell you then and there if it is right for you, listen to your heart.

 

Bickering is ok you both know what you like and want so your love for him and his for you is bickering at each other to get your points across. If the bickering becomes 12 rounds of all out shouting matches and throwing dinner plates at him then something may be not right.

 

It's ok to have doubts or be scared you taking a big step forward in life. From the feeling in your post I can tell you care deeply about this person if you didn't you wouldn't bother posting. You have been together for 5 years which is huge, if it wasn't meant to be imo you would have known this years ago and ended the relationship a long time ago. It sounds to me that the 2 of you will be great. So go for it take the plunge marry him you're going to be happy.

[Angel1111]

In response to the questions from the previous post, when I said that "90% of the time I like him" I meant that the other 10% of the time I don't. I love him always. The difference between my like and love are very important to me; I can love someone with all my heart, but if I do not believe they have integrity, or their actions are hurtful or emotionally abusive (which his are sometimes, although I genuinely believe not intentionally), I have historically walked away without looking back. This time I refuse to leave until I have seriously reflected on and tried to change those things about myself that are hurting the relationship.

 

This is a red flag to me. It sounds like you're heading down the same path as your mother, even though you judge her life. Here's the deal, if you have doubts, don't get married. There's a difference between cold feet and doubting the person you're with.

 

I want to tell you something that I don't know will help you or not because I don't fully understand your situation. My second husband seemed like a really great guy. He was polite, considerate, etc. But he had these personality flaws that showed up on rare occasions. Despite my apprehensions about him, I married him anyway. My family didn't like him but I never understood why because he was such a good guy, a goody-two-shoes, even. But little by little, I started seeing flaws with him that I really didn't like and caused me to lose respect for him. But when our son was born, his control issues came to the forefront and our marriage became a nightmare. What I have learned since then is that my ex was very manipulative in a very subtle manner. My sister refers to him as the 'beneavolent manipulator' - I think that says it all. These days, I try to be civil with him when I must be around him but it is a huge effort. And it's not just me who can't deal with him - he has few friends now, his family avoids him and even our son (who's now in college) has huge differences with him. What is so strange to me is how I didn't see all these things before, and now they're so glaring. It was like a veil was lifted. Funny, I was almost exactly your age when I married him.

 

I'm very afraid that there's something like this going on in your relationship. Your instincts are screaming at you but you're getting in this mode where you're blaming yourself and your lack of career. Trust me, when you love someone and feel compatible with them, your career issues wouldn't make you question him.

 

I understand taking time to figure it out but, again, please do not walk down that aisle until you're certain. This is exactly why there are so many divorces out there - people getting into things, thinking that they'll stay committed no matter what, and then you realize that being with someone who makes you miserable day after day just simply isn't worth it; the stress is just too great. Just ask your mom - she probably understands way more than you would imagine. The fact that you walked away from other relationships without looking back tells me that you made the right choices then. 'Without looking back' means you have no regrets. That's the way I feel about my marriages. I'm very sad that they ended but I did all I could to find out if they were fixable before I left. So I wasn't left with nagging doubts later about 'what if'. I knew. Don't think that just because you have a history of leaving and never looking back that you need to make an exception at this point. It's a mistake. What you probably need to do is start dating different types of men.

 

Hindsight being 20/20, this is what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would sell ever single thing I owned, I would get myself out of all debt that I have and go to college full-time; get loans if you have to (I'm assuming that if you don't have a career, you're lacking a degree - I may be wrong about this). In other words, fix what you don't like in your life and forget about marriage. Stay with the guy if you need to but don't let the relationship stop you from doing the things you need to do to make yourself happy with yourself. I think then the truth will unfold. I hope this helps.

Edited August 2, 2010 by Angel1111

[truelovepro]

I have been married for 32 years and never divorced once or twice like other posters.

 

It is normal and healthy to doubt and question the big life decisions that you make you are only human. It is also necessary to acknowledge it and provide answers for yourself which will bring clarity and then confidence. Trust yourself to know that you are making choices because what you truly want as opposed to feeling you ought to. Once you leave the doubt behind you have a more realistic idea of the good and the bad of the relationship. Imagine how devastating of an experience it would be if you married this man without ever having any doubts. If you are a free spirit, kid at heart and doubt may be playing the role of your freedom. This in time will pass and sure enough your love for your SO will only become stronger. So a little doubt here and there is ok.

 

If your doubt are because of arguments that put you in physical danger or a decision that would wreaks havoc on the 2 of you in the future those are the bad doubts. If yours doubts are because he wants this for dinner or wants to be with his friends on this day those are the type of doubts that will disappear after time.

 

So, find your reason and meaning. Relive the moment that you made the decision to marry. What prompted you to make that decision? What does being married mean to you? How strong are your feelings about it? How much do you desire it? What will it give you? How important is it to you?

 

How you care for and support one another is what is important. A relationship, after all, is made up of the intimacies and habits that only the two of you know and share.

Edited August 2, 2010 by truelovepro

[Butterfly11]

Can I learn to accept and love him the way he is? Can we make it work together? Any person I decide to be with is going to have issues, right? I just told him the other day that I wanted to put off the marriage another year. Would I say that if I was really ready, without a doubt knowing that through thick and thin we would be able to work things out and be happy? Does anyone ever really know this?

 

Yes, you should love him for who is is now. Don't love him for who he could be or what he may have been before. People change, but don't expect them to. I believe anyone you are with is going to have issues...but what kind of issues are we talking about? You can't know if it will work through thick and thin, but I think the way you handle issues now definitely will provide a setting on how you handle future problems.

 

I'm not even married, and I only answer because I had that same doubt before I got married...the first time. I loved him, but I never felt like he was the "One". I thought we could make it work with the love that we had. I thought I could deal with his issues, but the longer we were together, the more they bothered me and in the end pushed me away. I settled because it was time and he seemed like a good, decent man who loved me. I should have followed my instinct and called it off. Those last couple of years were very difficult and the most unhappy times of my life

 

I think your hesitation is telling you something is amiss. You really need to dig deep and try to find out why you feel so numb. Don't jump into marriage thinking it may work. Get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with this beautiful person who makes your life complete.

[ScaryFairy]

To be honest getting married when you are young and have been together for only 5 years is bound to give you doubts forever is a long time, people do change over the years especially with different life experiences getting married has no guarantees and there is no specific time by which you have to get married, if you love someone 90% of the time that is pretty good no-one gets on perfectly 100% of the time and every couple bickers how boring would it be if you did everything perfectly all the time. Long term relationships are about compromise, however if you really do love your partner that much you should just explain that you are not ready to get married yet I have friends who were engaged for over 10 years before they got married, just because you don't want to get married yet it doesn't mean you can't enjoy your relationship.

 

Just because your mum's relationships didn't work out for her it doesn't mean that yours won't, and you don't have to spend all your time with your partner everyone needs their space.

[Tayla]

Its absolutely normal to question something that is life changing. Life changing in a good way. You sound mature and yes Five years together is a good sign. You can step back a moment and reflect on where this is leading, or you can finally make a solid decision. No marriage is perfect. No human is perfect, what we can do in a marriage is encourage and enhance the attributes and embrace the differences. Love is an action. I am a firm believer that love is not a feeling so much an active conscious decision to be supportive and work thru the hardship. I think you have that talent and it will serve you well to gather your strengths when entering into this marital commitment. I was told once to love the person for who they are and what they can become. May he be your support and you his. You both sound reasonable and willing to work thru this bump.