smk Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 B as you said some days are better... Not feeling is good it's sign forward, I know how you feel because I felt the same way the other day and it scared me, but it's almost coming to that indifference stage... Like you said you have stuff to do in the house so keep yourself busy, you can't let this stop you living the life you want to live... I felt crap this morning because of the msg because now it's gone it's all finally over 9 weeks after the breakup, but it will allow me to get my life back on track... Were all here if u need us and keep pushing along... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 So I had a great dream last night, and even though I only slept my usual 3-4 hours total I feel ok today. My dream was me telling him off and saying "**** off if you don't want me, because I don't want you!" Felt really good....still need to get a hold of the sleep thing though, I went through this a few years back and it is miserable. I had to go on Ambien and I would love a big bottle of them again, isn't it funny how being happy can affect your sleep? Truthfully I don't think I slept anymore the past year and a half (he was a night owl who enjoyed waking me up to talk jibberish to me) but it just felt more manageable. Trying to gain control but I can't control my sleep, drives me crazy.... Had a totally ****ty weekend, it was actually even hard for me to post on here. I don't miss him as a person, I am just sad that I am alone. But I don't want anyone else, very hard to explain. I did get the house clean but I felt like ****, still fighting the bug I had at the beginning of the week, and then I drank myself into oblivion on Sat night at a party....ruined all of Sunday.... This week I am way too busy to sit around and feel sorry for myself and I am going to be strong. I am going to take control of my emotions, what I think about, what I feel. He doesn't deserve to still be this much of a presence in my life, he left and is better off because of it, when am I going to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Share Posted August 20, 2010 So.....I haven't been around for a while. I started my new job and have been busy as h, no real time to be heartbroken that's for sure I have been busy, but not in a good way (not trying to better myself) but I guess the new job gives me confidence and self assurance because I am really good at my job and people need me Of course more news because my life isn't hectic enough, he contacted me today. I was very proud of myself, I had a super early flight on Tues morning and he lives 3 miles from the airport, but I did not break contact to see if I could crash at his place. Score 1 for me.... So anyway today he chimes in on my IM (I have deleted him, blocked him, everything I can think of but for some reason he can still get through) and says "is it ok if I say hi every once in a while?" Mind you after the "this is all for the best" text and nonsense I told him to leave me alone. But of course, he doesn't listen. I say yes and that I am fine and told him a bit about the new job. He is looking for a new job all of a sudden (he was in a dead-end job for 15 years, NOW he is trying to find something else, unbelievable) and the other stupid thing is that the job would be right by my house. We live 40 miles apart.....he used to make the drive all the time when we were first together, then it got to be a chore for him, when we EVER talked seriously about us and the future it was always "you would have to move here" .... just ironic how things turn out, you know? So I really am not reeling from this contact. I see that he is struggling not talking to me. I now know that this REALLY IS for the best. I can feel it. I miss having someone, I am lonely, but I don't miss HIM. I miss the thought of him, I miss the physical and the touch and the kissing. I have abandonment issues, and he abandoned me. It was never about him, it was what I wanted to turn him into. So I told him if he ever needed / wanted to talk to me he could. Hopefully I will still feel this strong if he does contact me again. I know that I don't want someone that could leave me like he left me. I know that the right person for me was not him. I feel strong and good about it now, and I know that I am on the right path. Sorry for babbling, so I need to set some new goals for myself. I need some more time for me, I need to start making the right choices, and see people for who they really are, not for what I want them to be... Hope everyone is well!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 22, 2010 Author Share Posted August 22, 2010 Yea - I thought that my conscious mind could handle some LC, I really don't want him back, I know that us breaking up is for the best. We chatted yesterday about kids and football games, all was civil and good. But I had a dream about him last night, a great dream aboout us hanging out and the way it used to be. Woke up and it hurt terribly, so I am not ready...NC is the way to go, probably forever or at least until the sub-conscious catches up with the real life feelings..... Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysConflicted Posted August 22, 2010 Share Posted August 22, 2010 I can relate. Had minimal texting contact after 3 months of NC. Had the greatest dream about her last night...Feel horrible this morning. NC is the only way to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Share Posted August 24, 2010 Yeah - haven't been doing well the last few days. I added him back to my IM because I wasn't feeling anything for him and he contacted me. I wanted to show him that I was fine with contact because I was over him. Yeah right, I am a dumb ass. I am so not over any of this, and feel like I am back to day one. And the stupid thing is, I care what he thinks, so if I delete him again he will think I am crazy. I know stupid....I need to think about me and I hate even looking at his name on my list. Over the weekend I mini-hooked up with a mutual friend of ours, who told me he always had a thing for me and the ex was a real dumb ass. Still not sure I know how to feel about that, this guy is great but lives in another state so there is no relationship to be had there, which is just fine with me right now. Part of me is hoping that it gets back to ex, but most of me really doesn't care. I guess what I am saying is that indifference is setting in, but I am fighting it. I don't want anyone, anything, nothing really makes me happy. I could literally fall apart at any moment into a weepy mess and feel really sorry for myself. I miss him because he was my routine, and I feel like I am broken. Sorry for babbling, thanks for listening as always.... Link to post Share on other sites
LostInTurn Posted August 24, 2010 Share Posted August 24, 2010 You're certainly not broken, that's silly. Of course you miss the routine. That's normal. That's a big part of all of this. Breaking the cycle. Remembering us. We were dependent on these people. We were a part of the relationship too. I think along the way we forget how we made the relationship what it was as well. We spend all this time thinking about the loss and upsets. We don't spend any time thinking about how good we were, our worth, what we added. My point, you were part of the routine too. That makes a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
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