aemmbw Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I met a woman in the summer of last year - lets call her Mary. We dated a couple of times and got on really well without anything serious. We are very different: she's extrovert, I'm introverted, we have vastly different jobs. But she was great fun to be with. Then Mary had a hard time at work and had some problems with illness and we didn't manage to get to see each other for a couple of months. I dropped her a couple of e-mails saying I was thinking about her and hoped she was getting on OK but I didn't hear back. It was getting toward Christmas and I had just about given up on Mary when I got introduced to another woman, lets call her Esther. I thought Esther was absolutely stunning - beautiful, easy to talk to, intelligent. We went on a couple of dates where the time just flew and we got on so well. In truth I thought she was out of my league - I was flattered she had any interest in me at all. I didn't think it would last. It was about the same time that Mary finally got back in touch and we went out on a couple of dates. Neither relationship was particularly serious, just dating, so I felt comfortable with that. Our dating continued after New Year but I was finding Mary really hard to handle. I'm quite a quiet guy and I found her difficult to cope with: she would talk very explicitly about sex with past partners, she would try to make me uncomfortable by asking very private things. It amused her I think and she certainly used it as a barrier to hide her true feelings. But at the same time, her extrovert personality brought me out of myself and I found her easy to talk to and we had good fun without things ever moving onto a serious relationship. Esther meanwhile was great to go out with, very kind, very considerate and polite but not able to give me as much time or energy as I really wanted for the relationship to develop. I knew something was going to give eventually and, I know this sounds bad, but I was probably feeling that Mary was still going to be around when Esther dumped me but that I really preferred Esther and if things got more serious with her, I would stop seeing Mary. Then one night Mary pushed me a bit too far with her extrovert behaviour and I said that I thought there was never going to be anything more than friendship between us. She reacted by saying she had already arranged to go on a date with someone else and we basically agreed not to see each other for a while. I saw Esther but it was still not moving into anything more than dating and she is always so busy, never around enough for me. I had a little too much to drink one night and I ended up calling Mary to tell her how much I missed her and how much I liked her. She was confused at first but we started seeing each other again and got on ten times better than before. I really started to feel there was something good starting. But at the same time, her talking about ex-partners and her general attitude always made me feel she was thinking of it as a short-term relationship. Last week, I saw Mary a couple of times and it was clear that we were both starting to get really attached to each other. All of a sudden there was a real connection. I knew something had to give and I thought it was sorting itself out because Esther had lost interest. I didn't really feel I knew what I wanted. I did feel guilty, felt it was getting to the point where I was starting to develop a relationship with two women (although I've not slept with either of them). I wanted to be fair about it and I thought about how I felt about Mary and about Esther. Despite starting to get close to Mary I had almost made up my mind that she was a short-term girl and, although I really liked her and had started to become very attached, she so often made me uncomfortable. Then Esther phoned me (if she had known what I was thinking at the time she couldn't have timed it better) and she was just so nice and was apologising for being busy and saying how she really would like to see me. I called Mary later that day and told her I didn't think we should see each other again. The thing is, I didn't realise how much Mary was attached to me. I'm upset that I've hurt her and I know I was stupid not to sort it out earlier. I always thought Mary wasn't really serious but she told me that she thought things were starting to get really good between us and that she was looking for a good long-term relationship. She was really upset and shocked by my call. It got a little bitter and we both got upset. Now the bottom line is that I am really confused. On one hand Esther is such a lovely woman and much closer to me in terms of personality and background but hasn't so far had the energy for me that I would like. On the other hand, despite her being a difficult one to cope with, I think I started to fall in love with Mary last week. I just wonder what might have been and I am torn between leaving things as they are now and trying to call Mary and sort things out at the expense of Esther. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Torn between two lovers what to do???????? hmmm I went throught this very thing a couple of years ago with a friend of mine. She ended up seeing Dan which would be Ester for you. And then found out that Dan was a drunk. So she went back and told Peter who would be Mary in your situation he truth. He was very upset and ended it a couple of months later Peter(Mary) called and wanted to date again, that was fine for a few weeks until Peter dumped her for an ex. So she didn't end up with either one. But that doesn't mean your story will end the same. Try things out with Ester, if that doesn't work you always have Mary (It's awful to think that way but we all do it) Just tell Mary that you needed time to think whether you were ready to start a long term relationship with her or whether you just wanted a dating relationship. Which is kind of true. I think Ester maybe more compatable to you. But on the other hand you say that you are falling for Mary. I don't know what else to say that's a tough one. Maybe make a list of the pros and cons of each one. Good Luck with what ever you deside. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aemmbw Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 Carla, Thanks for your support. It is a tough one. I did the pros and cons thing and Esther comes out on top every time. So why do I stare out of my office window thinking about Mary? I think you are right, it needs a little time to settle down. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Do what your heart tells you, its unfortunate that Mary gets hurt, but that happens nothing you can do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 I think that alot of people have a person that they will always wonder What if..... I tell I used to have an old boyfriend that was a what if.... I had ended it with him to go out with the loser ex. I stopped wondering about the what if man, when I realised that I am maddly in love with the man I'm with now. I could never wonder what if any more b/c no matter how good that i'v fantasied that could be with the what if man It'll never be as good as what I have now. I hope that makes sense. I don't know if what I'm saying is coming out right. It's a blonde thing. This is the situation where no matter who you chose the other will be the what if woman. Hopefully you will fall madly in love with the one you pick and never have to wonder this. Link to post Share on other sites
ldybg51 Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color]I wonder how this one has turned out? I think he should have been with mary. Seems to me that you should be with the one you have feelings for not the one that 'makes more sense'. You know, follow your heart, not your head kind of thing. Esther will be nice and sweet always but it doesnt seem as if you will develop strong feelings for her. Mary seems to be the one that you are most attracted to, so you might like her more in the end. Just MHO though. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 I agree with you - following your heart is the thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aemmbw Posted March 7, 2004 Author Share Posted March 7, 2004 Thanks for your interest, support and wise words. It's not quite "turned out" yet but the way things are now is that, although Esther is lovely, she's not giving me what I need in terms of mutual time, togetherness and support. I still miss Mary - she may be a completely different personality but her heart was a lot closer to mine and I should never have let that go. She was a diamond and I should have followed my heart not my head. Link to post Share on other sites
ldybg51 Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color] CALL HER! Call her and tell her that you were scared by your feelings and that you are ready for a commited relationship also. Be brave and Call her. What have you got to lose besides nothing. You wont be losing her, you havent got her. If she says yes then you will be gaining her. Please just call her. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 aemmbw, do esther and mary know about one another? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aemmbw Posted March 7, 2004 Author Share Posted March 7, 2004 Esther knows I was seeing Mary before Christmas. Mary doesn't know about Esther. Link to post Share on other sites
ldybg51 Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color] CALL MARY! Is this feasable? Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 mary should know about esther. it is unethical not to inform her. i think she will make your decision easier for you, as i doubt she will want to hang around after you have withheld this information from her. esther's reserve is more understandable in light of this relevation, as well. next time, please be above-board with all the women; this will help ensure that someone's feelings do not get confused and over-invested. how old is everyone involved? Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 She was a diamond and I should have followed my heart not my head. And I say it's not too late to start - call Mary! ldybg51 puts it very nicely in the longer post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aemmbw Posted March 8, 2004 Author Share Posted March 8, 2004 Originally posted by jenny mary should know about esther. it is unethical not to inform her. i think she will make your decision easier for you, as i doubt she will want to hang around after you have withheld this information from her. esther's reserve is more understandable in light of this relevation, as well. next time, please be above-board with all the women; this will help ensure that someone's feelings do not get confused and over-invested. I've not been unfair to anyone. Your post is unfair to me. Neither relationship was anything more than on a casual dating basis. I did try to make that clear in my original post. When I saw that things were starting to get more involved with Mary I did the "ethical" thing and made a choice. I did what I thought was "right". You don't understand what is going on in Esther's head. I've not spoken to Mary for weeks. For Mary to "know about" Esther all of a sudden would just be more pain for both of us. I know if I try to get in touch with Mary I have to tell her about Esther and I don't want to put her through that pain. I made the wrong choice, I've lost Mary and I am suffering. But I don't need to be judged. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 i am sorry if you saw it as judgement. i would like to avoid that, so let me try and clarify. were i in mary's position, i would have liked to know about esther. knowing about esther would have prevented me from developing strong feelings for you. i take mary's pain as evidence that she had over-invested in you, which she may not have not done if she knew you were simutaneously cultivating a (hopefully) longer-term relationship with esther. i do not think there is anything wrong with casually dating many women, but i think it is kind and ethical to inform all parties that there are other parties involved. i'm sorry you are hurting; that does bite. i am sorry if my wording was too strong. i very much like accountability. if mary opened herself, by your admission, readily to you, i am not sure i see the reason for you to withhold salient "another romantic interest" information about your own heart from her? i re-read your post again, and it sees to me that is likely that mary's take on the relationship was more serious than yours all along. it is odd you did not communicate about this concept at any point. i hope you get her back, but to do so you may need to acknowledge where it went wrong. this is my take on one point that may have gone wrong simply because of a lack of communication. i will gladly apologize for my language, but not for my point. it *is* ethical to inform all datees of their multiple status, in my books. it certainly can avoid some pain further on. Link to post Share on other sites
ldybg51 Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=green][/color] Why can you not call her? Why does she need to know about Esther now, if you would quit seeing Esther? Simply explain to her that you were very confused and you just were not sure what you wanted. Then tell her how much you missed her and how much you have thought about her. What have you got to lose? Nothing. Nothing and more of nothing. You have only to gain someone that you cant seem to forget about. The fact that you think you have lost her for good when you havent even tried is beyond me. You read all these posts about people wanting thier exes to call and ask them to be with them again. So many of us dreaming about our 'dumpers' missing us and wanting us back in thier lives. Yet you sit there on your sorrow pillow and say that she is lost to you after you posted how upset she was when you broke it off with her. It is only your fault if you do not at least try. Dont be a ninny. Be a Man. Show some gumption and nerve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aemmbw Posted March 9, 2004 Author Share Posted March 9, 2004 Jenny, Thank you. I am sorry if I took your language as judgemental when it was not intended that way. In hindsight, more openness would have avoided pain for Mary and I take your point. Originally posted by ldybg51 [font=century gothic][/font][color=green][/color] It is only your fault if you do not at least try. Dont be a ninny. Be a Man. Show some gumption and nerve. That told me! I called. She is still a diamond. There are a lot of bridges to rebuild and she is apprehensive but all my energy is with her. I would say it's about 50-50 at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
ldybg51 Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color] *clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap* HOORAH! *clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap* Link to post Share on other sites
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