Another cheatin' wife story, needing ...

[Notsoeasy]

Hello all,

I am the new guy here...

I found out two days ago that my wife of 3 years had an affair. It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

We have spent the last two days talking and getting it out, but I still don't know how to cope with the betrayal!

We have a great relationship(well, so it seemed), and I believe that we can again, but how do I constructively proceed?

We don't have buckets of money for counseling, but we will try!

My biggest fear is "bottling", or trying to compensate, or supress emotions, but I don't want to take on too much, if that is not health/productive?

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends to discuss this with due to the nature of the problem. And I don't want her to be uncomfotsble around people that I've talked to.

I have a hard time knowing what all I need to share here, for the best replys, so of anyone has questions, please feel free...

I really appreciate any advice that I can get, as I am scared to death that I am gonna screw this up, even with the best of intentions...

[Mr. Lucky]

Hello all, I am the new guy here...

Why don't you start with telling about how you found out about the affair and what your wife's reaction was upon disclosue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bryanp]

You have only been married 3 years and she cheats on you? You imply that this would still be going on if the OM did not drop her. You both need to be tested for STD's since this OM sounds like a player. Why was your wife willing to destroy the marriage by engaging in this behavior?

[Corporate]

Hello all,

I am the new guy here...

I found out two days ago that my wife of 3 years had an affair. It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

We have spent the last two days talking and getting it out, but I still don't know how to cope with the betrayal!

We have a great relationship(well, so it seemed), and I believe that we can again, but how do I constructively proceed?

We don't have buckets of money for counseling, but we will try!

My biggest fear is "bottling", or trying to compensate, or supress emotions, but I don't want to take on too much, if that is not health/productive?

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends to discuss this with due to the nature of the problem. And I don't want her to be uncomfotsble around people that I've talked to.

I have a hard time knowing what all I need to share here, for the best replys, so of anyone has questions, please feel free...

I really appreciate any advice that I can get, as I am scared to death that I am gonna screw this up, even with the best of intentions...

 

If I understand you correctly, there are no kids and the marriage is only three years, right?

 

You should cut her lose. It will take years to repair the damages and to gain back trust, if EVER. If you have three kids and have been married for 20 years with tons of shared assets, etc., you shoudl CONSIDER, but since this is a new marriage, cut your loses and move on. Do you respect her as the kind of woman who's only married for three years and is already spreading her legs for some other man?

 

Go get yourself tested for STDs and HIV.

[Gfkr2]

I will reserve judgment on the fate of your M for another day. Do you have an EAP at your work or that of your WW? Often times an EAP can provide marriage or independent counselling at no cost to help you decide what is best for you. At this point, please make your well being top priority. Do allow your Ws emotional needs to overwhelm you. There is little doubt her guilt will result in a flood of tearful apologies and you would be wise to stay strong and think of yourself first.

[Bitterman24/7]

Hello all,

I am the new guy here...

I found out two days ago that my wife of 3 years had an affair. It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

We have spent the last two days talking and getting it out, but I still don't know how to cope with the betrayal!

We have a great relationship(well, so it seemed), and I believe that we can again, but how do I constructively proceed?

We don't have buckets of money for counseling, but we will try!

My biggest fear is "bottling", or trying to compensate, or supress emotions, but I don't want to take on too much, if that is not health/productive?

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends to discuss this with due to the nature of the problem. And I don't want her to be uncomfotsble around people that I've talked to.

I have a hard time knowing what all I need to share here, for the best replys, so of anyone has questions, please feel free...

I really appreciate any advice that I can get, as I am scared to death that I am gonna screw this up, even with the best of intentions...

 

If you have no children then you should just cut your losses. Three years? Wow, I know cheating is wrong, but if she cheats this early in your marriage, whats going to happen 10 to 15 years from now.

[seibert253]

More info needed:

1. Affair info

2. How you found out

3. How the A ended

4. Wife's reaction to the ending of the A

5. Wife's actions after the A ended

 

Once we have these you'll get top notch advice from some of the best.

[linwood]

notsoeasy,

 

First thing...ignore the jaded people in your thread telling you to just toss away your wife.

You`ll get a lot of that here.

Ignore it for now.

 

You`ll get good advice here from the more level headed folks who`ve been through similar experiences and in time you`ll learn to separate the wheat from the chafe so to speak.

 

Like a few have already stated, more info is needed before anyone can advise you.

 

Tell your story, all of it.

 

 

Edit:

 

The first two years of my marriage there were many reason for me to just leave my wife and she had her own as well.

It was rough, it was hard, it was painful.

 

Staying was the best move I ever made.

It may very well be the best move you could ever make as well.

 

If you value it and you`re strong it can work.

Edited August 2, 2010 by linwood

[spriggig]

...typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

 

If this is true, and she is remorseful, has verifiably cut off all contact with the OM and is answering your questions to your satisfaction, your marriage has a chance to survive this.

 

She has to cooperate with you and be patient, this could take a long time.

 

You need to know all the details of the betrayal.

 

You should visualize as clearly as you can the sex act itself, you need to clean out that wound before it can heal. If you bury these images they will haunt you off and on as long as you're with her. Repeat the visualization until it becomes less painful. You'll always have a scar from this.

 

You need complete access to her email, phone, Facebook and IM accounts and the freedom to look at them at any time without her resistance.

 

You both need to figure out what led to the betrayal and what you both can do to prevent it in the future. Counseling may be needed.

 

You can expect the mistrust to last a long time. She needs to understand this, accept it and work with you on this.

[Notsoeasy]

Mr. Lucky,

I learned by reading her texts. She had let a very good friend know that she seriously regretted her decision, loved me, and wanted to make her marriage work. She did mention that OM was a jerk, but that wasn't a factor in her decision...

[Mr. Lucky]

She did mention that OM was a jerk, but that wasn't a factor in her decision...

It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

Can't help but notice that there seems to be an attempt - can't tell if it's coming from you or your wife - to cast her as a victim of the situation. Many marriages have recovered from infidelity and some have even come back stronger than before. But success depends on her taking total responsibility for her actions and you being allowed to express your hurt and anger. Doesn't feel like that's what is going on here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[karnak]

Mr. Lucky,

I learned by reading her texts. She had let a very good friend know that she seriously regretted her decision, loved me, and wanted to make her marriage work. She did mention that OM was a jerk, but that wasn't a factor in her decision...

 

Your wife seems to have some issues who need to be addressed. This type of thing usually happens when people marry without really knowing what they're doing.

 

For your marriage to succeed, both you and your wife need to analyze why you married in the first place; why she took the decision to forget the marriage and cheat on you; and finally if your marriage is healthy enough to continue.

[CrayonAngel]

notsoeasy,

Like another poster already stated...you've been married 3 years and shes already cheated on you? drop her! You will be much better off. Sorry

[LifesontheUp]

It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

 

Not sure if this is correct or just the way it comes across. But does that mean if he didn't treat her like crap the affair would have continued?

 

Also

 

She did mention that OM was a jerk, but that wasn't a factor in her decision....

 

So why did she cheat? Whats to stop her doing it again? What has she learnt from this?

 

Those are some of the things you should be getting answers to during your marriage counselling.

 

Good luck

[Notsoeasy]

I really don't want "End it" advise. I appreciate what you all are saying, and it makes perfect sense. But I stated, in front of God, family, and friends that "I Do", and I meant it!

 

We have been together for a lot longer than just the marriage, and I need to forgive her, and hope for a better future. She made a mistake(just one!)

Have any of you not made a mistake?

Please, I just want to know that no matter what happens, I tried, to the best of my abilities!

I value the "community's" opinions, and am begging for help! But it needs to be "constructive", not "Distructive".

Sorry if I am coming across like an a$$, but I really didn't ask for "should we stay together" advice...

Edited August 2, 2010 by Notsoeasy

[Notsoeasy]

I don't believe that the OM's actions dictated the ending, but I really don't know. She says it didn't, but how could it not have had an effect?

 

We were doing some serious marriage evaluating, just after that happened(coincidentally), and I believe that had a bigger bearing on her decision, as she said that they were still talking, and he really didn't start showing his true colors until she said that she wanted to work on her marriage. His actions re-enforced her decision, rather than causing it!

Of course I have to trust someone, that has blatantly lied to me, in order to accept this, and I know how blinded love can make a guy, but I truly believe this is true...

[LifesontheUp]

I don't believe that the OM's actions dictated the ending, but I really don't know. She says it didn't, but how could it not have had an effect?

 

We were doing some serious marriage evaluating, just after that happened(coincidentally), and I believe that had a bigger bearing on her decision, as she said that they were still talking, and he really didn't start showing his true colors until she said that she wanted to work on her marriage. His actions re-enforced her decision, rather than causing it!

Of course I have to trust someone, that has blatantly lied to me, in order to accept this, and I know how blinded love can make a guy, but I truly believe this is true...

 

Its your marriage Notsoeasy and if you and your wife want to make this work she will have to EARN back the trust she has destroyed by her actions. She needs to be open and honest about why she cheated and be prepared for the hardwork it will involve in getting your marriage back on track.

 

There are others here with experience of what you are going through and have repaired their marriages. Hopefully they will post when they get chance.

 

In the meantime, counselling is a very good idea as long as your wife is committed to being open and honest with herself on why she did this and is fully committed to the hard work involved in putting it right.

[JustJoe]

OP, when posters tell you to end the M, they aren't being destructive, just giving you another opinion, and speaking from their experience. You should take ALL opinions to heart, and not dismiss those that run counter to your already pre-conceived ideas. An affair is not a mistake, but a deliberate act of betrayal. A mistake is when you add wrong on your taxes, or dial the wrong number on your phone. She knew that what she was doing might destroy the marriage, but she did it anyway. Can you ever trust her again, without knowing EVERYTHING? What if it happens again? How could she do this and still say that she loves and respects you? Where is your own self-respect? These are just SOME of the questions you will need to address before you can even start to re-concile. Most importantly, you need to not believe her words, but only her actions. Good Luck, Pal.

[Bryanp]

I just curious but if the roles had been reversed, do you think your wife would have been so accepting as you have been? By the way, I hope you and your wife have been checked for STD's. This is essential. Good luck.

[kevinm1019]

Hello all,

I am the new guy here...

I found out two days ago that my wife of 3 years had an affair. It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

We have spent the last two days talking and getting it out, but I still don't know how to cope with the betrayal!

We have a great relationship(well, so it seemed), and I believe that we can again, but how do I constructively proceed?

We don't have buckets of money for counseling, but we will try!

My biggest fear is "bottling", or trying to compensate, or supress emotions, but I don't want to take on too much, if that is not health/productive?

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends to discuss this with due to the nature of the problem. And I don't want her to be uncomfotsble around people that I've talked to.

I have a hard time knowing what all I need to share here, for the best replys, so of anyone has questions, please feel free...

I really appreciate any advice that I can get, as I am scared to death that I am gonna screw this up, even with the best of intentions...

Ok my friend... I have read all of the posts and your responses... here is food for thought...

until you and your wife sit down and discuss what led to this affair... you will not have any resolution to this issue. You need to understand what role or responsibility you may have with her making the decision to pursue an affair. Please do not misunderstand... your wife's actions were selfish and self-serving... she had many other choices she could have made... the most important choice being to discuss the challenges she is having with your marriage. Bottom line... if you respect the person and care for the person you love... you do not intentionally participate in actions you know will hurt them when discovered. "A mistake is an action or event where he or she does not understand the outcome or potential outcome." In addition, any interaction a wife or a husband has with another person that he or she cannot perform in front of his or her husband is not in the best interest of the marriage. You really need to take time for yourself to think things through... whether you go stay with a friend... hotel... or ask your wife to leave for a specific amount of time so you can clear your head. The reason for this is your emotions will be all over the map and you need to come to terms with things and your wife who has taken her life for granted needs to address her character flaws and need for attention from men outside of your marriage. If there is any hesitation with your requests as long as they are within reason... do not hesitate for a long term separation/possible divorce because she is not only not addressing the issue... she is avoiding the issue. Her actions are her responsibility and you cannot be blamed for her choice to share intimacy with another man... she had the option to leave at any time if she was not happy. I hope this helps.

[Notsoeasy]

Thanks Joe,

I understand...

 

You ask all the questions that I ask myself 1000 times a day.

 

I agree with your "mistake" scenerios, and I am not going to justify her actions, as the affair was very conscious, but her mistake was not discussing, or working on, our failing marriage that led her to giving into temptation. I truly believe that she didn't value, or realize, what was at stake, until afterwards...

 

We had both let our relationship get very complacant, and I believe that with so many other focuses in life, we both kind of forgot about the big one in the middle!

 

It is really easy to ignore the foundation when you are overwhelmed by dirty windows, but clean windows aren't all that impressive in a pile of rubble after the house colapses! I just hope that we still have a re-buildable foundation? I understand the people saying that we haven't built that much upon it, so just tear it down, and start over, but made a commitment, take great pride in what I have already developed, and would really like to continue forward, provided it is possible.

 

We are doing a lot of soul searching!

 

I was really hoping for more advise as to just how to constructively handle all of the feelings, visuals, questions,...etc.

 

I assume that everyone goes through the same "steps"???

Anger, guilt, betrayal, anger, self worth, doubt, anger,...

 

And I was hoping for more advise on when/how to "bottle", and when/how to release. I need to know how to, constructively, discuss this with her. I don't want her to think that I have accepted this easily, but I love her, and don't want to keep pounding my emotions down her throat, but I believe that she needs to know how/what I am feeling...

 

Maybe it isn't that cut-n-dry? I don't know. And wish that I never had to...

 

Thank you all! I really do appreciate your time, and genuine interest in helping a total stranger through the roughest time of his life!!!

[Notsoeasy]

I am not too concerned about STD's as she has told me that precautions were used, and at this point, or at least when everything surfaced, she had no reason to lie about that. She was honest enough to say that it didn't even need to be her decision, so I do believe her.

 

As I said, when it actually happened, we were very distant(marritially), but by the time of full disclosure(2 weeks later+/-), we had already done some serious work, and were already on the right track(or at least a better one), and as she said it, she thinks that she might have wanted to get caught...I can't even imagine the guilt that she was dealing with.

[JustJoe]

Notsoeasy, to continue your analogy about your marriage"house", if your foundations was so strong, then why is your house tettering on the brink of falling down? I think that what most posters are saying is that you will need to build a new house on a firmer foundation. If your wife hasn't been faithful and you've only been married for 3 years, then what does that bode for the future? My suggestion would be to either separate or divorce, then explore what led you to marry in the first place. Maybe you (both) will find out that you are really meant to be together. You can always re-marry. Then you (both) will start anew, and this episode can receed into the past. To make anything of your marriage, getting to the nuts and bolts of the situation, she will need to be absolutely open and honest about the affair and give you ALL of the answers you seek, and PROVE by her actions, ( don't take her word ) that nothing like this will EVER take place again. Remember, the burden of proof will always be with her, because she was the unfaithful one. You will need to be completely open about all of the issues you have and BOTH of you will have to communicate any future issues, as soon as they arise. That's just for starters.

[Notsoeasy]

I don't know if it would help for you to know the story, or maybe it would help for me to tell, but either way, here goes:

 

She was working in the medical field(Extern for completing her degree), when a patient left his number for the receptionist to give to her. She said that she doesn't know for sure why, but she called, and they just talked. After a few phone/text converstions, they decided to "hang-out" a little, which led to one evening of watching a movie(at his house). A quick kiss led to a long kiss, led to a walk to the bedroom, leading to...

It happened once, short, mechanical, over within minutes.

The following weekend was my 40th birthday, and the lack of attention is what provoked me to question our marriage(I thought we were ok, until the lame party, and lack of contact). So, for the following week, we fought, talked, built, agreed, disagreed,...etc. and I believe that we came to the agreement that we had to much to let go...

We both appologized, and agreed to work on things. But she said that she had some internal/personal issues that she needed to address("Who Am I" type questions in her head), and needed time to figure stuff out...

Last Tuesday, she told me that she was really excited, as she had decided to "truly" get through this, no matter what it takes, and that she really wanted to do it together!

 

I can't tell you guys how good that news was!

 

Unfortunately, while at her Graduation that/last Friday night, I was bored, so I started thumbing through her phone, and that is when I found a text to her friend/boss(from her paying job), who knew about the affair, and she had told said that she was committed to me, and can't believe what she had done....She complimented me, as well as insulted OM, and said how important our marriage was to her...

 

Needless to say, the Graduation wasn't our best night, but in a way, it was...A lot got surfaced that night. It was truly "full disclosure", as there was nothing to lose, and no feelings were gonna get any more hurt.

 

So, there it is, as best I can remember. I believe that this is different from the "typical" infidelity scerio(if there is a "typical...?)... So maybe this will help you(all) understand my optimism(?), or maybe it will help you convince me of my nievity???

 

Thank you all sooooo much!!!

[RobD70]

Be careful about being too forgiving, what she did was wrong and letting her off the hook without any real consequences or it will cause her to lose respect for you (more respect, if she truly respected you she wouldn’t had cheated).

 

Like someone else said, she has to earn her place in the marriage now. What she did is grounds for a divorce so it’s up to her to prove to you she is worth keeping and she needs to be aware of that. It like a child that knowingly did something wrong and not getting any type of punishment for it. What do they learn from you when that happens?

 

I’m not saying kick her to the curb just et but make sure she knows that it’s an option and you are not going to keep the marriage together at all cost. Let her know if you find anything else out or if she even thinks about straying again you will file for a divorce that day and there is no turning back. She has to know you take this seriously and you will not tolerate being disrespected.