2sunny Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 I agree that too much "Boundries" cause more problems than good! You have to let the animal wonder a little, or they will buck, and jump the fence. I believe in this senerio, I need to walk together, and not just hope that when released from the pasture, it will come back faithfully every night... this mindset is what is back wards. boundaries is what is needed. work on yours. obviously hers isn't tight enough since she allowed another man into her body. since she is protecting her OM - she is still betraying you. what do YOU plan to do about that? to do nothing shows her that you approve of her actions... like i said - time to revisit some very tight boundaries. she lost all her privileges to "run free" when she betrayed you. she hasn't yet to come back "faithfully" since the only ones she's "protecting" is herself and her OM. what about you? YOU are once again placed further down on her list of priorities - no matter what she says to you - she still protects him over giving you the peace of mind you need. this isn't a faithful wife - why would you think she is? open your eyes - she's playing you big time. file for divorce if she can't be honest. if she's not honest - you have no M anyway. do not take the responsibility for her bad behavior - that is HERS and hers alone. and stop apologizing to her - SHE did this! she needs to earn your trust and she isn't even doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 i think your W should be reported to the medical board. an employee who has sex with a patient is putting the patient at risk. she's not capable of doing just the job she was hired to do if she crosses the line and has sex with a patient. this is so obvious and blatant. she should be banned from working in her field. yes, bad behavior has consequences and she should find out what the penalty looks like. covering up for her is just as bad as what SHE did. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 8, 2010 Share Posted August 8, 2010 Despite the many detailed listings here designed to balance the marital scales of justice, what if this is just as simple as this: In his own way, he loves his wife enough to forgive her this obvious betrayal. He wants her to understand how much this has hurt him but he still wants a life together with her. And he's willing to make the leap of faith that his wife loves him enough not to do this again. Well why doesn't he just tell her this and put the affair behind them? Why does he even need this forum since he has already decided what he wants to do? Why doesn't he just move to the "second chances" forum? Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted August 8, 2010 Share Posted August 8, 2010 Is it right that your wife is posting to LS too? Just so you know where I'm coming from, I'm an exBS who left her WH after DDay, however I don't advocate every BS doing that and I'm not hung up on any one particular course of action. Right, first off, if your wife is posting and reading LS and consequently your thread, then there is no point in you being here. LS isn't going to provide a place that you can vent exactly what you're feeling and thinking, and any advice you're given will only give her the heads up and all the ramifications that entails. Secondly, I believe you're still in shock and I also believe that in direct proportion to your current state, you'll eventually be angry to the same size. Your wife needs to be very careful about anything she's doing right now that isn't fair and a continuation of her unfaithfulness, because it will be remembered by you when you're in no state to be reasonable about it. I don't believe you're yet at the stage to accept any advice and because of that and the fact your wife appears to be here 'eavesdropping', I'm only going to say - be aware that your feelings will more than likely be in a state of quite dramatic flux and it will do no harm to anyone to make sure you and your daughter are protected at least financially. Link to post Share on other sites
kevinm1019 Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 Is it right that your wife is posting to LS too? Just so you know where I'm coming from, I'm an exBS who left her WH after DDay, however I don't advocate every BS doing that and I'm not hung up on any one particular course of action. Right, first off, if your wife is posting and reading LS and consequently your thread, then there is no point in you being here. LS isn't going to provide a place that you can vent exactly what you're feeling and thinking, and any advice you're given will only give her the heads up and all the ramifications that entails. Secondly, I believe you're still in shock and I also believe that in direct proportion to your current state, you'll eventually be angry to the same size. Your wife needs to be very careful about anything she's doing right now that isn't fair and a continuation of her unfaithfulness, because it will be remembered by you when you're in no state to be reasonable about it. I don't believe you're yet at the stage to accept any advice and because of that and the fact your wife appears to be here 'eavesdropping', I'm only going to say - be aware that your feelings will more than likely be in a state of quite dramatic flux and it will do no harm to anyone to make sure you and your daughter are protected at least financially. I have to agree with you "turnstone." I'm not sure what the purpose of having his wife read his threads will accomplish except helping her to figure out what she needs to do or say to keep her husband in her good favor and how to protect her interests or herself in supporting her deception or possibly her continued deception. The challenge for "Notsoeasy" is he is still in shock and wants to find some good in all of this when it is too fresh and his wife is not only in denial but in survival mode. "Notsoeasy" wants to find any way he can to lessen the blow but the truth of the matter is... this is the ONLY factor God will allow or permit a marriage to dissolve in his eyes... not to get spiritual on everyone here... but you have to think about the severity of the act and the choices your wife made "Notsoeasy." She made a commitment not only to you... but to God... and broke the vows which are supposed to represent something... for richer... for poorer... in sickness and in health... til death do you part. It doesn't say... not until you get bored or do not want to take responsibility for taking positive or proactive steps to solidify your marriage or relationship. Keep something in mind... she DID NOT come to you regarding her intention to have an affair or even disclose the affair once it was "over." You had to discover things for yourself and just because she may have ended it doesn't make her a better person or allow her to be placed on the "road to recovery." Again... give yourself time... for you... and make her accountable for addressing her character issues, willingness to deceive you and re-assess her commitment to a marriage she pledged vows to in front of you and God. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 Well yes (and this leaves out her part), at some point that's what he'll have to do ... Mr. Lucky yup, thats what he'll have to do, because he doesn't want to stand up to her and wants to blame the OM and excuse her actions. So yup, he'll have to just forgive her and coddle her no matter what the truth is Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 Actually it was Notsoeasy's feelings I was thinking of. Most BS (which incidently includes me) can probably relate to the raw pain that brings a poster here fresh out of D-Day so why the scorn and derision from so many? It doesn't help him and it doesn't help get your point across anymore than suggesting his wife wear sackcloth and ashes for the next year helps her. JMHO... Mr. Lucky Again, all i ever did was tell him to quit being so blind and not swallow her, "how could I have done this" tripe. I never told him he needs to divorce his wife, just open his eyes and quit blaming her leg spreading on the OM and her youth. (she was an adult, not a child when she cheated) thats all, just wake up..nothing more. And for that I was "bitter" (as if he really thinks that pisses anyone off here). so he is just going to have to live in his own little hell of wondering, but on the surface kissing her ass and making excuses for her. He is just going to have to forgive her and quit complaining. I say this now after its obvious that anyone that tells him he needs to open his eyes must be "bitter". Good luck with being wrapped around her finger and believing her load of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Maladjusted Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 when a patient left his number for the receptionist to give to her. She said that she doesn't know for sure why, but she called, and they just talked. After a few phone/text converstions, they decided to "hang-out" a little, which led to one evening of watching a movie(at his house). A quick kiss led to a long kiss, led to a walk to the bedroom, leading to... It happened once, short, mechanical, over within minutes. This story doesn't sit well with me... My wife hid the identity of the OM and made the story very simple, as in your situation, until I found out the identity of the OM on my own. My wife had said he was some "random guy" at a work party. Turned out to be her married boss. It is extremely likely that the man was not some random patient who simply dropped off his phone number at the front desk, but a co-worker or someone close to her at work. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 Did I miss something, or has OP not been back for a week now? Link to post Share on other sites
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