Another cheatin' wife story, needing ...

[JustJoe]

Unfortunately, Notsoeasy, your wife's affair is pretty much carbon-copy. Sure she is "excited", and why shouldn't she be? She got to f**k another guy, and still be married to you, where is the down-side for her? Now she knows that you will take her back, when she cheats. She will do everything for you short-term, but she is still open to doing it again, because she doesn't realize the enormity of her betrayal. All you have said has done nothing to allay my suspicions about your marriage and your wife's character. Remember, she told her BOSS ABOUT SCREWING ANOTHER GUY, BUT SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU, you had to find out for yourself, she never came clean , voluntarily. IMO, You are being played for a sucker. I'm sorry to have to say that. I wish you well, but you better keep your eyes open.

[lolalove]

Thanks Joe,

I understand...

 

You ask all the questions that I ask myself 1000 times a day.

 

I agree with your "mistake" scenerios, and I am not going to justify her actions, as the affair was very conscious, but her mistake was not discussing, or working on, our failing marriage that led her to giving into temptation. I truly believe that she didn't value, or realize, what was at stake, until afterwards...

 

We had both let our relationship get very complacant, and I believe that with so many other focuses in life, we both kind of forgot about the big one in the middle!

 

 

You make a great point. Many people don't go into affairs with a plan to betray their spouse. It's not that cut and dry. We do make choices but tempation can be overwhelming, especially when a marriage is "failing" as you mentioned. I'm not excusing her behavior either. I just think you're right that she didn't value what was at stake until afterwards. It's never too late to repair a marriage. It's worth a try anyway. It really is of the utmost importance for a marriage not to get complacant. It is also important to, as you said, to discuss why your marriage was failing. It will be a long, hard road to a happy,healthy marriage, but she's worth it to you. If you're worth it to her, you'll know in due time. As far as STDs, even with using all the precaution in the world, there is still a risk. For peace of mind and for yours and her health, I would still get tested.

[Notsoeasy]

I just curious but if the roles had been reversed, do you think your wife would have been so accepting as you have been? By the way, I hope you and your wife have been checked for STD's. This is essential. Good luck.

 

I can't even begin to forsee that? I have tried, but who knows?

 

Honestly, I have run this whole scenerio through my head countless times, and I didn't react like I thought I would(she is still alive:p)

 

~Thanks~

[Dexter Morgan]

Hello all,

I am the new guy here...

I found out two days ago that my wife of 3 years had an affair. It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch", then treated her like crap, so it is over.

 

if he is a pos, what does that make her? don't try to put this all on the OM. While what you say might be true, your wife is just as bad.

 

 

We have spent the last two days talking and getting it out, but I still don't know how to cope with the betrayal!

We have a great relationship(well, so it seemed), and I believe that we can again, but how do I constructively proceed?

 

i always say easier said than done because a cheater got to give you a scar for life. oh the scar won't hurt after a while, but it is still there nonetheless.

 

I'd never stay with a cheater, but if I were to, only thing I could think to tell you is that for you to proceed, SHE needs to be the one to constantly show you that she is no longer cheating. that can take many forms from complete disclosure, you having access to her electronic forms of communication....girls nights out SHOULD be over with, but if she does go out without you, then she gets her ass home at a decent hour(which would be up to you to decide on).

 

 

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends to discuss this with due to the nature of the problem. And I don't want her to be uncomfotsble around people that I've talked to.

 

well that will always be the problem. the betrayed, you, gets to have this knife stuck in your gut and have to deal with it, but the cheater has to be coddled.

 

I'm not saying to go out and rat her out to all your friends, that would make things uncomfortable if you decide to keep her.

 

but alot of betrayed spouses will think they don't want to rock the boat or make their cheater feel bad. its not about them any longer. If they want to keep the person they cheated on, it has to be about you now.

 

 

I really appreciate any advice that I can get, as I am scared to death that I am gonna screw this up, even with the best of intentions...

 

and this is the attitude of which I speak. SHE is the one that cheated, and somehow she must have you brainwashed that you have to walk on eggshells and that if this marriage fails, its somehow your fault.

 

If it is screwed up, it isn't your fault....its hers for screwing another man.

[Notsoeasy]

Notsoeasy, to continue your analogy about your marriage"house", if your foundations was so strong, then why is your house tettering on the brink of falling down? I think that what most posters are saying is that you will need to build a new house on a firmer foundation. .

 

I am not saying that the foundation is weak, but all facets need maintenance, and if the foundation is ignored, due to other focuses, everything will crumble. I believe that her and I had gotten so wrapped up in School, Work, Extern, family, etc. that we let go of "US". We both agree on this, and both want "US" back, but I still fight with the obvious elephant in the room.

 

Oh, and to add to the scenerio, I do have a 15 year old daughter, from a previous, that my wife absolutely adores, and vice-versa. Not that this is a factor in trying to keep things status quo, but I am sure it is a little...?

[Church Bells]

I really don't want "End it" advise. I appreciate what you all are saying, and it makes perfect sense. But I stated, in front of God, family, and friends that "I Do", and I meant it!

 

We have been together for a lot longer than just the marriage, and I need to forgive her, and hope for a better future. She made a mistake(just one!)

Have any of you not made a mistake?

Please, I just want to know that no matter what happens, I tried, to the best of my abilities!

I value the "community's" opinions, and am begging for help! But it needs to be "constructive", not "Distructive".

Sorry if I am coming across like an a$$, but I really didn't ask for "should we stay together" advice...

 

Feel free to disregard this advice ... it is your life ... and you are completely entitled to learn these things for yourself.

 

However, since you have sought out the advice BASED ON EXPERIENCE of others ... I'll offer the following:

 

Unless you LOSE the above attitude and start having a HEALTHY skepticism about your W ... given your current position ... you are looking at a lifetime of "DOORMAT" status for a manipulative WW (Wayward Wife).

 

You can evaluate your situation based on the fantasy that you THOUGHT WAS ... or the REALITY that IS.

[Notsoeasy]

Thanks Dexter, I understand what you are saying...

 

As far as the P.O.S. comment(of mine), I guess I used that in the wrong context.

 

I really believe that she looked towards him as a friend, removed from our lives, that she could talk to. I think that he had other intentions, that she was nieve to, and after he got what he wanted(typical male), she couldn't understand what happened to her "friend".

 

My wife is younger, and has had limited experiences in "Life". ie Married young, got abused, cheated on...

 

She hasn't done a lot of "open dating", and I don't wonder "if", but rather "how often" this is a curiousity/regret?

 

I believe her when she says that she didn't even think about, what happened, happening ahead of time. And knowing that does help, but there is always the question of how honest is she being? I know it is neccesary, but that one little voice is really getting on my nerves!!!

 

As always, Thanks!

[kevinm1019]

Thanks Dexter, I understand what you are saying...

 

As far as the P.O.S. comment(of mine), I guess I used that in the wrong context.

 

I really believe that she looked towards him as a friend, removed from our lives, that she could talk to. I think that he had other intentions, that she was nieve to, and after he got what he wanted(typical male), she couldn't understand what happened to her "friend".

 

My wife is younger, and has had limited experiences in "Life". ie Married young, got abused, cheated on...

 

She hasn't done a lot of "open dating", and I don't wonder "if", but rather "how often" this is a curiousity/regret?

 

I believe her when she says that she didn't even think about, what happened, happening ahead of time. And knowing that does help, but there is always the question of how honest is she being? I know it is neccesary, but that one little voice is really getting on my nerves!!!

 

As always, Thanks!

The world is round... water is wet... and there are certain things in life you do and do not do. In God's eyes... per the Bible... for richer for poorer... in sickness and in health... etc. God accepts divorce ONLY in cases of infidelity. Listen "Notsoeasy"... from your responses... it appears you are not willing to accept your wife IS NOT a victim in this. She knew exactly what she was doing and had a choice to make with each shoelace untied... button removed... and zipper pulled down... no matter what mask a person attempts to wear... you cannot hide from yourself. The bottom line is this... with each intimate moment she shared with this man... she came home and looked at you without giving your thoughts, feelings or emotions consideration... the ONLY reason she did this is because the grass ended up being not as green as she thought it would be and her life at home would be better without all of the deception she was choosing to participate in. EVERY PERSON... experiences or not... knows the difference between right and wrong. Would she understand the differences if the scenario was different and you were the one having the affair... would she be as open-minded and willing to overlook your selfishness or self-serving affair? "Manage Your Destiny or Someone Will Manage It For You." Take control of your situation and quit making excuses for your wayward wife. She did what she did and did not care about how it impacted your or your marriage. Going forward... (1) are you willing to accept her affair and the actions which have occurred, (2) will you ever be able to trust her in a healthy and productive way post-affair, (3) do you feel the need to enact some type of revenge by having an affair or (4) can you see yourself living your life with or without her knowing when things become challenging in your relationship she seeks emotional and intimate outlets from other men? Think about it... give yourself some time to grasp what has happened and FORCE her to have accountability where you are brutally honest about how this has impacted your marriage... your image of her and you need time to assess your future.

[Notsoeasy]

Thanks Church...

That is what I need, is a "slap" every once in a while, with an openness to accept that even though I needed the "wake-up", I might not agree with the advice that follows (not that I do, or not) .

 

All that I am doing is collecting "tools" for my "toolbox", as I know that I am the only one who can fix my problem. As a mechanic, I like a lot of "tools", so I can be efficient, expeditious, and most importantly, successfull, in my repairs.

 

But I also need to have the best knowledge available, to me, for proper troubleshoting. I don't want to be trying to repair the surface "noise" , when that is actually just a symptom of the deeper "problem". ie; a bent axle might just feel like pulsating brakes, but all the brake work in the world wont fix it!

 

So I appreciate you all helping me look deeper. For all I know, we(Wife and I) have been dealing with surface symptoms for years, ignoring deeper problems that might surface through this whole thing, and get rid of the(future)"noises" too?

 

Or maybe I just have security issues that are blinding me to the obvious? I really don't think that I can differentiate between the two yet, but I am open to either being possible! And couseling is going to happen soon, as I believe we can't get through it without profesional help, but I don't want to put all of my eggs in that one basket either!

 

Again, Thanks guys!

[Notsoeasy]

Well Kevin,

I appreciate your post. The brutal imagery(shoelaces, and zippers), is still hard to face, and I am sure that was you intent, so thanks(genuine, not sarcastic), as I need that repeated in my head. I know that I do! I think that when I force myself to visualize it, I am never in the right mindset, as your statement hit a lot harder!

 

In terms of "forward":

(1) are you willing to accept her affair and the actions which have occurred?

I believe that I have, but I am not sure if it is real, or just subconciously wanting it over, and acceptance is easier than the fight?

 

(2) will you ever be able to trust her in a healthy and productive way post-affair?

This is the toughy! No way to answer it! Did I trust her 100% before, no! Have I ever had 100% trust in anyone? No! Is that even possible? I don't know...

 

(3) do you feel the need to enact some type of revenge by having an affair or? Absolutely NOT! The mear thought makes me nausious.

 

(4) can you see yourself living your life with or without her knowing when things become challenging in your relationship she seeks emotional and intimate outlets from other men?

The only thing that I can hope for, is that this opened both of our eyes to how openly we can communicate about anything. I mean seriously, after my wife has told me about another man, and sees that I can be open minded about it, shouldn't she be able to talk about anything now?

 

 

As far as other's comments, It is not up to me to make sure that she is properly "punished" for her behavior. That is between her, her conscious, and God!

 

On a trivial note; A Conscious is the only thing that, trully, seperates us from the animal kingdom. No others live with guilt/regrets...

[kevinm1019]

Thanks Church...

That is what I need, is a "slap" every once in a while, with an openness to accept that even though I needed the "wake-up", I might not agree with the advice that follows (not that I do, or not) .

 

All that I am doing is collecting "tools" for my "toolbox", as I know that I am the only one who can fix my problem. As a mechanic, I like a lot of "tools", so I can be efficient, expeditious, and most importantly, successfull, in my repairs.

 

But I also need to have the best knowledge available, to me, for proper troubleshoting. I don't want to be trying to repair the surface "noise" , when that is actually just a symptom of the deeper "problem". ie; a bent axle might just feel like pulsating brakes, but all the brake work in the world wont fix it!

 

So I appreciate you all helping me look deeper. For all I know, we(Wife and I) have been dealing with surface symptoms for years, ignoring deeper problems that might surface through this whole thing, and get rid of the(future)"noises" too?

 

Or maybe I just have security issues that are blinding me to the obvious? I really don't think that I can differentiate between the two yet, but I am open to either being possible! And couseling is going to happen soon, as I believe we can't get through it without profesional help, but I don't want to put all of my eggs in that one basket either!

 

Again, Thanks guys!

Great!! You are on the right path and it looks like you are on your way to finding some solutions to continue your marriage in a positive, healthy and proactive manner. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

Or maybe I just have security issues that are blinding me to the obvious? I really don't think that I can differentiate between the two yet, but I am open to either being possible!

For those that choose to stay and fight for their marriage, the Catch-22 is this - when do you start to believe that a person that has consistently lied to you is now telling you the truth? That someone whose motives have been self-centered in this regard is now thinking of what is best for you? I think you're right to reject the input from those bitter posters who would tell you that every word out of her mouth is a lie but I'd hope that you wouldn't necessarily think the reverse was true.

 

What was undone in a few "mechanical" minutes will take months and years to re-build. It's hard to get a sense from your posts as to her commitment to the process. Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a carefully coordinated series of decisions before, during and after. And she didn't confess, she was caught. Proceed carefully...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kevinm1019]

Well Kevin,

I appreciate your post. The brutal imagery(shoelaces, and zippers), is still hard to face, and I am sure that was you intent, so thanks(genuine, not sarcastic), as I need that repeated in my head. I know that I do! I think that when I force myself to visualize it, I am never in the right mindset, as your statement hit a lot harder!

 

In terms of "forward":

(1) are you willing to accept her affair and the actions which have occurred?

I believe that I have, but I am not sure if it is real, or just subconciously wanting it over, and acceptance is easier than the fight?

 

(2) will you ever be able to trust her in a healthy and productive way post-affair?

This is the toughy! No way to answer it! Did I trust her 100% before, no! Have I ever had 100% trust in anyone? No! Is that even possible? I don't know...

 

(3) do you feel the need to enact some type of revenge by having an affair or? Absolutely NOT! The mear thought makes me nausious.

 

(4) can you see yourself living your life with or without her knowing when things become challenging in your relationship she seeks emotional and intimate outlets from other men?

The only thing that I can hope for, is that this opened both of our eyes to how openly we can communicate about anything. I mean seriously, after my wife has told me about another man, and sees that I can be open minded about it, shouldn't she be able to talk about anything now?

 

 

As far as other's comments, It is not up to me to make sure that she is properly "punished" for her behavior. That is between her, her conscious, and God!

 

On a trivial note; A Conscious is the only thing that, trully, seperates us from the animal kingdom. No others live with guilt/regrets...

Please do not misunderstand my response as a means of attacking you... I just want you to understand you are in a "fog" right now and need to give yourself some time to cope with this... meaning just "you" firstly then address the issues with your wife. Hope you understand.

[stillafool]

notsoeasy,

 

First thing...ignore the jaded people in your thread telling you to just toss away your wife.

You`ll get a lot of that here.

Ignore it for now.

 

You`ll get good advice here from the more level headed folks who`ve been through similar experiences and in time you`ll learn to separate the wheat from the chafe so to speak.

 

 

Excuse me but kicking his cheating wife to the curb is the most level headed advice considering they don't have kids and haven't been married that long.

[kevinm1019]

Please do not misunderstand my response as a means of attacking you... I just want you to understand you are in a "fog" right now and need to give yourself some time to cope with this... meaning just "you" firstly then address the issues with your wife. Hope you understand.

I went through this myself back in February 2010 and my emotions were ALL OVER the map because I thought I had been a very loving and supportive man. I had to come to terms with the fact my future wife had character flaws she needs to address and I cannot be the blame for her decision because there is always another choice. We discussed the affair and there times when she was open, times when she blamed me and times where she expressed a form of entitlement to seek companionship if she is lonely... my stand on that was simple... then leave and be with as many men as you need to be with to fulfill your needs but DO NOT subject me, our relationship or our children to your affair(s) or selfishness... I will not tolerate it and not allow the children to be hurt by your immaturity and unwillingness to accept responsibility for helping to repair whatever you feel may be damaged in our relationship to allow yourself to seek intimacy from another man. Long story short... I told her to get her act together, deal with her character issues or lose me and her family... I also informed the people who meant most to her (i.e. parents, etc) that she had the affair and the impact it has or will potentially have on the family if she does not find a mature way of handling things... to date... she has become more and more mature and realized she cannot keep being selfish and inconsiderate of the current state of her life if she wants to be happy and comfortable.

[Notsoeasy]

Please do not misunderstand my response as a means of attacking you... I just want you to understand you are in a "fog" right now and need to give yourself some time to cope with this... meaning just "you" firstly then address the issues with your wife. Hope you understand.

 

Thanks Kevin,

 

I have felt no "attacks" through any of this(other than the first one, leading to this thread:sick:), but I appreciate your oncern!

 

And I have suspected the "fog", but just didn't know. That is the other reason for my "Crying out", as I need guidence through this "fog", from those who have been through it, or at least have an understanding of what I might be feeling.

 

Unfortunately, I am not one to let things simmer, I want closure! I don't believe that is the best attitude right now, but I still want it, and can't find the switch to turn it off:D!

 

Thanks Again!

[kevinm1019]

Thanks Kevin,

 

I have felt no "attacks" through any of this(other than the first one, leading to this thread:sick:), but I appreciate your oncern!

 

And I have suspected the "fog", but just didn't know. That is the other reason for my "Crying out", as I need guidence through this "fog", from those who have been through it, or at least have an understanding of what I might be feeling.

 

Unfortunately, I am not one to let things simmer, I want closure! I don't believe that is the best attitude right now, but I still want it, and can't find the switch to turn it off:D!

 

Thanks Again!

Understand something... you may not receive "closure" EVER... this will take a lot of time... but what you can do is come to and understanding and set boundaries to avoid something like this from happening in the future with you or your wife. You said it best... your wife will have to deal with herself and God. I can honestly tell you... it is killing my significant other to have to look at herself in the mirror... wonder what her parents think of her when they gaze upon her... wonder how her children view her now knowing their mother hurt our family and realizing she gave her affair partner all the information and permission to do what he wanted with her and it "really" not being more than a bedroom fling... a momentary lack of judgment can cause years or a lifetime of pain he or she may never recover from...

[Notsoeasy]

Kevin,

Sorry if this is too personal, but do you have regrets? Are you, or do you see yourself, and her being happy(truly, deeply, stronger) than before?

 

Seriously, if this doesn't make it better, I am gonna be really bummed!(I am prepared(I think))

 

I don't expect bluejays on my shoulder,and a constant rainbow at my feet, when I get home, but I would love to know that it is possible to have a healthy, happy, loving relationship after going through this.

 

I have to keep asking myself how many people go through this, and it is never discovered, so the entire relationship is held together on guilt, and/or deception? Is this an opportunity for a better future, or am I just making excuses, or justifications for something that can never be?!?!

 

Either way, I am proud of you for trying, and I wish you the very best!

[misternoname]

Ditto ChurchBells...my now ex wife had an affair early in our marriage. I fooled myself into believing she was really the victim and all the blame fell on the creep she slept with.

 

Over the years she had more affairs (unfortunately AFTER we had kids so it got much harder for me to leave). I honestly think part of the repeat behavior was a result of my being too willing to forgive and forget instead of getting to the root of her issues.

 

If I could turn back the clock I would have bailed after affair number 1 before the kids came along. I sadly feel like I wasted the best years of my life on a selfish cheater. Pity, but I have to agree with the posters telling you to bail while the bailing is good. You have, relatively speaking, not much invested at this early stage of your marriage. While it may be true that your marriage could recover and she may never stray again, the odds are against that happening. Get out while you can.

 

-An older and wiser dude.

[kevinm1019]

Kevin,

Sorry if this is too personal, but do you have regrets? Are you, or do you see yourself, and her being happy(truly, deeply, stronger) than before?

 

Seriously, if this doesn't make it better, I am gonna be really bummed!(I am prepared(I think))

 

I don't expect bluejays on my shoulder,and a constant rainbow at my feet, when I get home, but I would love to know that it is possible to have a healthy, happy, loving relationship after going through this.

 

I have to keep asking myself how many people go through this, and it is never discovered, so the entire relationship is held together on guilt, and/or deception? Is this an opportunity for a better future, or am I just making excuses, or justifications for something that can never be?!?!

 

Either way, I am proud of you for trying, and I wish you the very best!

We have our ups and downs but those ups and downs come mostly from her having moments of weakness when she feels I should not be hurt or upset because she is no longer pursuing the affair. The sad thing is she had engaged one of my male friends for support and I quickly put a stop to that and told her to get her act together. Long story short... I discovered the affair after she shattered her kneecap at the entrance of her nail salon to prepare for her date that evening while sitting in the emergency room... because I needed to call her parents from her phone and text messages where coming in about the date that evening... bottom line is... she is the one who has changed her life and if I allow her to see I am willing to tolerate her poor behavior or poor decisions with the affair... she will continue to take advantage of me. So any opportunity she takes to attempt to dismiss her actions... I make corrective statements and explain my position and reasoning... any time she attempts to argue with me or try to push my buttons... I walk away... anytime she does not put the effort into our relationship "we" need... I let her know and leave it up to her. I have also expressed to her she is welcome to leave at any time she would like if she feels she would be happier alone or with someone else or with other people. The part which is VERY challenging for her is she believes I want to enact some type of revenge or have an affair on her... but my silence is golden. LOL! Time will tell if she will become the woman she needs to be for herself... our relationship and our families. The bottom line is she needs to take accountability for her actions and take corrective actions.

[Church Bells]

Unfortunately, I am not one to let things simmer, I want closure! I don't believe that is the best attitude right now, but I still want it, and can't find the switch to turn it off:D!

 

Notsoeasy,

 

Re: Closure ... First let me rant a little ... DAMN I HATE that word based on our own situation.

 

Now back to you ... when you say "closure", I bet what you mean is you want the pain to STOP ... it DOESN'T in R. On 7/25/10 ... I am now 3+ years past D-Day and it is still a DAILY hurt. Even with what I consider one of the best R scenarios out there ... it takes very little to experience a trigger where I can go from ZERO to PISSED in 1.2 seconds. Make no mistake ... choosing R is a life altering decision, and it WILL change you ... some for the better, but many for the worse. I honestly feel the stress has taken years off of my life. I will be 50 next month, and I really don't foresee myself collecting social security ... and that thought no longer gives me pause.

 

If you REALLY want the pain to stop ... then proceed directly to Plan D. In a few months after removing yourself from the source of your pain ... it will go away COMPLETELY.

 

... and for those of you wondering ... Yes, I have done BOTH. I have been through a divorce with a WW, and I am attempting R with a WW ... damn, ain't I the lucky one.

 

Think LONG and HARD before committing to R, especially after a short M and no kids. Take all of the above into consideration and make a fully informed decision using your HEAD rather than your HEART.

 

Everything in life has a cost ... just make sure that your M and your WW is worth the cost to YOU.

[confusedinkansas]

We have our ups and downs but those ups and downs come mostly from her having moments of weakness when she feels I should not be hurt or upset because she is no longer pursuing the affair. The sad thing is she had engaged one of my male friends for support and I quickly put a stop to that and told her to get her act together. Long story short... I discovered the affair after she shattered her kneecap at the entrance of her nail salon to prepare for her date that evening while sitting in the emergency room... because I needed to call her parents from her phone and text messages where coming in about the date that evening... bottom line is... she is the one who has changed her life and if I allow her to see I am willing to tolerate her poor behavior or poor decisions with the affair... she will continue to take advantage of me. So any opportunity she takes to attempt to dismiss her actions... I make corrective statements and explain my position and reasoning... any time she attempts to argue with me or try to push my buttons... I walk away... anytime she does not put the effort into our relationship "we" need... I let her know and leave it up to her. I have also expressed to her she is welcome to leave at any time she would like if she feels she would be happier alone or with someone else or with other people. The part which is VERY challenging for her is she believes I want to enact some type of revenge or have an affair on her... but my silence is golden. LOL! Time will tell if she will become the woman she needs to be for herself... our relationship and our families. The bottom line is she needs to take accountability for her actions and take corrective actions.

 

Sorry to ThreadJack here - but..........

How long ago was your wife's affair?

This sounds to me as if you will "make her pay" come hell or hi-water for the rest of your marriage.

Are there ever 'arguements' when you listen to her point of view? or is nothing she has to say now worth your listening to? Do you constantly remind her that "She can leave anytime she wants to?"

I still believe that after something like this happens in a marriage - it still takes TWO to make it right again. Yes, the person who committed the adultry should most definately be putting forth more energy to fix things. I'm not saying you should walk on eggshells around her - But she shouldn't have to walk around on eggshells either. Just my opinion.

 

Notsoeasy - My husband was forgiving of my affair. I believe you are on the same path he took - your posts sound familiar to how he was (he has been called a door-mat here many times - Which I DO NOT believe is true - of you either)

I just think that some people can forgive & marriages can move on past this & be better!!!!! If you actually give it a try you may be surprised of the outcome. It's all very new to you right now. I don't think that you sound like the type of guy that's gonna give her da-boot. Like so many here preach.

Good Luck! Patience with your own emotions right now should be your first concern. Take care of you & don't expect too much out of yourself just yet. Give it some time....Time is a wonderful thing!

[Mr. Lucky]

While it may be true that your marriage could recover and she may never stray again, the odds are against that happening. Get out while you can.

You know, I see this statement repeated many times in this forum as if it were a given. "If she cheated once, she'll cheat again". Personally, I don't think that it's true and doubt that statistics - admittedly hard to come by - would support it. Interesting that it is one of the mantras here in a support forum...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gfkr2]

Ditto ChurchBells...my now ex wife had an affair early in our marriage. I fooled myself into believing she was really the victim and all the blame fell on the creep she slept with.

 

Over the years she had more affairs (unfortunately AFTER we had kids so it got much harder for me to leave). I honestly think part of the repeat behavior was a result of my being too willing to forgive and forget instead of getting to the root of her issues.

 

If I could turn back the clock I would have bailed after affair number 1 before the kids came along. I sadly feel like I wasted the best years of my life on a selfish cheater. Pity, but I have to agree with the posters telling you to bail while the bailing is good. You have, relatively speaking, not much invested at this early stage of your marriage. While it may be true that your marriage could recover and she may never stray again, the odds are against that happening. Get out while you can.

 

-An older and wiser dude.

 

Dear Texas friend, you and I have the EXACT same nasty situation with our long term M and cheating WW's You didn't say it, but I hope you are ready to NOT Forgive her wicked ways this time and get a divorce.

 

My WW cheated 23 years ago when our M was young. I was willing to forgive her after she nearly died in a car accident. Our M seemed nice, we had a daughter and easy street was within my grasp....but WW decided to open her legs to another MM and have a secret EA/PA all in the name of "romantic love".

 

Sadly, I never forced her to address HER personality flaws that caused her to cheat a second time and, yes, have the gall to *try* to blame me for the end of our M. Never let a WW claim you were at fault for the M breakdown. The WW must agree the A was 100% HER fault and she must take full responsibility or you can not move on as a married couple. Trust can not be rebuilt and the M will fail down the road..

 

I am kicking my WW to the curb and getting a divorce and wondering why on earth I didn't divorce her years back to save me the heart ache and financial loss. For you young bucks, listen up...A W CHEATER WILL BREAK YOUR HEART AND CHEAT AGAIN, unless she commits to MC and IC to to address the real reasons for wanting a secret life. Counselling is a must before there can be real forgiveness by the BS.

 

I would NEVER take a woman who has cheated back without conditions. Looking back, I should have demanded 23 years ago as a condition for my love and support she sign post-nup agreement (they didn't exist then), including agreeing to sign the deed to our home to me as a disincentive to become the WW she is today. I wish there was a LS Board 23 years ago to guide my decisions to and do what was in MY best interests.

[Bitterman24/7]

You know, I see this statement repeated many times in this forum as if it were a given. "If she cheated once, she'll cheat again". Personally, I don't think that it's true and doubt that statistics - admittedly hard to come by - would support it. Interesting that it is one of the mantras here in a support forum...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And also one of the other mantras is to always stay and work on a relationship with someone who committed the Ultimate Betrayal, even if the affair was over a year. Of course, its true that some wayward spouses learn from their "happenings" but most will continue to be disrespectful, even if they stopped opening their legs for someone other than their spouse. Just my two cents.