Another cheatin' wife story, needing ...

[confusedinkansas]

A W CHEATER WILL BREAK YOUR HEART AND CHEAT AGAIN, unless she commits to MC and IC to to address the real reasons for wanting a secret life. Counselling is a must before there can be real forgiveness by the BS.

 

As Mr. Lucky has said & I will reiterate - This is not ALWAYS the case.

 

It's completely & totally unfair to put Women - or - Cheaters into the same buschel basket. Because if you're going to do that, you might as well lay them all out there......ALL ________ are _______!!! Fill in the blanks.

 

Each individual situation / relationship / person is different. (Thank God we're not all the same)

 

Counseling isn't always the end all, be all answer to fix things either. For some it probably helps. For us - Not really so much!

Only YOU Notsoeasy know your own personal story & how things got to where they are today.

[misternoname]

I can only base my opinion on my own experiences as well as those of friends and acquaintances. Without exception, every single person that I know of that had an affair had more than one. I studied stastics in college. I understand that my data set isn't large enough to make a logical deduction but it sure is coincidental, isn't it?

 

I think it boils down to simpy this...once a person cheats they have proven their ability to "go there" thus making it more likely that they'll repeat the behavior. They cross an immaginary morality line. Once that has happened I think it's easier to repeat the behavior.

 

My advice for the poster is really about choosing a path based on odds. They've only been married 3 years...no kids. She screws some dude that sounds like a creep. Why? Who knows but she did it and she got caught (they all become very remorseful once they get caught with their hand in the cookie jar). What if he hadn't found out? Would she have willingly stepped forward and admitted what she had done and then gave him a chance to make a decision on how to proceed? I doubt it. A more likely scenario would have been more meaningless thrill seeking while he played the fool. Does she deserve a second chance? Only for him to decide but if he stays I hope he's prepared for a very long time of mistrust and worry.

 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I made a life changing mistake by staying. Ironically, I joined Loveshack right after her third affair. At that time I vehementally argued with folks who's philosophy I now share. I made every argument immaginable about why I should forgive her and give her yet another chance. I tried to convice myself and others that this was the last "slip" on her part and things would work out. She really changed this time...3 years later I caught her AGAIN!

 

Hindsight is 20-20. Our "job" here is to give advice from all angles. He deserves to hear dissenting views.

[linwood]

Thanks Dexter, I understand what you are saying...

 

As far as the P.O.S. comment(of mine), I guess I used that in the wrong context.

 

I really believe that she looked towards him as a friend, removed from our lives, that she could talk to. I think that he had other intentions, that she was nieve to, and after he got what he wanted(typical male), she couldn't understand what happened to her "friend".

 

My wife is younger, and has had limited experiences in "Life". ie Married young, got abused, cheated on...

 

She hasn't done a lot of "open dating", and I don't wonder "if", but rather "how often" this is a curiousity/regret?

 

I believe her when she says that she didn't even think about, what happened, happening ahead of time. And knowing that does help, but there is always the question of how honest is she being? I know it is neccesary, but that one little voice is really getting on my nerves!!!

 

As always, Thanks!

 

You`re done, you`re marriage is done all because you are a doormat and doormats are repulsive to their spouses.

 

You are more naive than you believe your wife to be.

I`d bet a paycheck she isn`t nearly as clueless as she has you believing.

 

You my friend you are a sucker and because you`re a sucker you will get exactly what you don`t want.

 

WAKE THE **** UP!!!!

 

Do you really think SHE WENT TO THIS GUYS HOUSE WITH NO IDEA THAT HE`D WANT TO **** HER!!??

 

Do you really think you married a woman that stupid?

[misternoname]

GFKR2...been divorced for several years. Got remarried a couple of months ago to a wonderful woman. I love her for many many reasons but one that stands out is the fact that she respects me and focuses on me. Never had that in my first marriage. It feels really good!

[kevinm1019]

Sorry to ThreadJack here - but..........

How long ago was your wife's affair?

This sounds to me as if you will "make her pay" come hell or hi-water for the rest of your marriage.

Are there ever 'arguements' when you listen to her point of view? or is nothing she has to say now worth your listening to? Do you constantly remind her that "She can leave anytime she wants to?"

I still believe that after something like this happens in a marriage - it still takes TWO to make it right again. Yes, the person who committed the adultry should most definately be putting forth more energy to fix things. I'm not saying you should walk on eggshells around her - But she shouldn't have to walk around on eggshells either. Just my opinion.

 

Notsoeasy - My husband was forgiving of my affair. I believe you are on the same path he took - your posts sound familiar to how he was (he has been called a door-mat here many times - Which I DO NOT believe is true - of you either)

I just think that some people can forgive & marriages can move on past this & be better!!!!! If you actually give it a try you may be surprised of the outcome. It's all very new to you right now. I don't think that you sound like the type of guy that's gonna give her da-boot. Like so many here preach.

Good Luck! Patience with your own emotions right now should be your first concern. Take care of you & don't expect too much out of yourself just yet. Give it some time....Time is a wonderful thing!

Not at all... but to have an expectation that your hurt partner should just forget about it within a short period of time or dismiss his or her feelings is absolutely unreasonable. The amount of energy a person puts into his or her affair to be deceptive or whatever the case should be the same amount of energy if not more he or she should exert in providing honest and proactive steps to making amends while reassuring his or her mate. If the person who participated in the affair chooses to place blame on anyone but himself or herself for his or her role... the relationship/marriage will never survive.

[linwood]

Excuse me but kicking his cheating wife to the curb is the most level headed advice considering they don't have kids and haven't been married that long.

 

No actually it`s knee-jerk and extreme considering you knew virtually nothing about their relationship.

 

I`ve come to expect as much from the majority of posters here though so...carry on.

[confusedinkansas]

 

Hindsight is 20-20. Our "job" here is to give advice from all angles. He deserves to hear dissenting views.

 

You are absolutely right. I'm sorry your situation is as extreme as it was.

[linwood]

double post

[kevinm1019]

Sorry to ThreadJack here - but..........

How long ago was your wife's affair?

This sounds to me as if you will "make her pay" come hell or hi-water for the rest of your marriage.

Are there ever 'arguements' when you listen to her point of view? or is nothing she has to say now worth your listening to? Do you constantly remind her that "She can leave anytime she wants to?"

I still believe that after something like this happens in a marriage - it still takes TWO to make it right again. Yes, the person who committed the adultry should most definately be putting forth more energy to fix things. I'm not saying you should walk on eggshells around her - But she shouldn't have to walk around on eggshells either. Just my opinion.

 

Notsoeasy - My husband was forgiving of my affair. I believe you are on the same path he took - your posts sound familiar to how he was (he has been called a door-mat here many times - Which I DO NOT believe is true - of you either)

I just think that some people can forgive & marriages can move on past this & be better!!!!! If you actually give it a try you may be surprised of the outcome. It's all very new to you right now. I don't think that you sound like the type of guy that's gonna give her da-boot. Like so many here preach.

Good Luck! Patience with your own emotions right now should be your first concern. Take care of you & don't expect too much out of yourself just yet. Give it some time....Time is a wonderful thing!

I may have come off a little rough but the bottom line is the better choice would have been to discuss the issues and if that does not work between the two people... seek professional help... but to pursue intimacy with another man or woman when you've built something with someone else represents and demonstrates a lot... and nothing in the world can justify why a married person or a person in a serious relationship would choose to become intimate with a person outside of his or her marriage which leads to sexual intimacy or emotional intimacy because you are only avoiding the issues you helped create in your relationship.

[Notsoeasy]

Ya know,

 

Is there anyone who can desipher all of the abreviations? I've figured out a few of them, but it is very distracting to try to read, filter, absorb, and have to stop to try to figure out what the heck some, appearantly random, group of letters are. Once I figure that out, then start reading all over again...Thanks~

[JustJoe]

Notsoeasy, "Confused in Kansas", has her own agenda for being lenient with cheaters, and while she does make good points, you should realize that her main argument that "not all affairs end in divorce", is misleading. The vast majority of marriages where there is infidelity, end in divorce, at some point. It's something like 90%. Most marriages survive only if both partners are willing to work HARD at becoming the people they were when they made the marriage vows, and the WS MUST be completely remorseful, open, and willing to do ANYTHING the BS requires, to regain his/her trust. This is in my opinion the bottom line.

[Bitterman24/7]

I may have come off a little rough but the bottom line is the better choice would have been to discuss the issues and if that does not work between the two people... seek professional help... but to pursue intimacy with another man or woman when you've built something with someone else represents and demonstrates a lot... and nothing in the world can justify why a married person or a person in a serious relationship would choose to become intimate with a person outside of his or her marriage which leads to sexual intimacy or emotional intimacy because you are only avoiding the issues you helped create in your relationship.

 

I second this. When I discovered my ex-ww's infidelity from video footage and confronted her, she said that she had been angry with me because of my decent career and how she felt alone, but when I asked why didn't she tell me, she said because OM was more attractive than me and that she "just gave in." After I told her she should have told me sooner before she decided to sleep with OM, who was my best friend, I kicked her to the curb. From my experience and personal perspective on infidelity, there is no excuse to go outside of your marriage to get your needs met.

Edited August 2, 2010 by Bitterman24/7

[Notsoeasy]

A couple of notes:

 

Yes, we know now what should have been done(in prevention), but it is a little late... She didn't know how to talk to me...Understandable, I can be a hard person to talk to(I am not self blaming, but understanding...), but that makes this a stepping stone?

 

She has not said a single word about this being, in any way, my fault! She has taken full blame, without hesitation! She still doesn't know why(therapy needed), and I have told her that I can not do a thing until we figure that out(she understands). That is the key to our future!

 

I am not big on fault. I would rather find solutions to problems, than waste all of my energy on fault. But, I agree that deturmining fault is part of the prevention, and I can't loose sight of that, but I don't want it to be my main focus.

 

If you guys have more questions, please feel free. I get the feeling that there are a lot of generalizations here, which just draws away from the focus...

 

Thanks~

Edited August 2, 2010 by Notsoeasy

[denise_xo]

Ya know,

 

Is there anyone who can desipher all of the abreviations? I've figured out a few of them, but it is very distracting to try to read, filter, absorb, and have to stop to try to figure out what the heck some, appearantly random, group of letters are. Once I figure that out, then start reading all over again...Thanks~

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms

+ see pinned post on terminology in other man/ other woman forum.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks Dexter, I understand what you are saying...

 

As far as the P.O.S. comment(of mine), I guess I used that in the wrong context.

 

I really believe that she looked towards him as a friend, removed from our lives, that she could talk to. I think that he had other intentions, that she was nieve to, and after he got what he wanted(typical male), she couldn't understand what happened to her "friend".

 

My wife is younger, and has had limited experiences in "Life". ie Married young, got abused, cheated on...

 

She hasn't done a lot of "open dating", and I don't wonder "if", but rather "how often" this is a curiousity/regret?

 

I believe her when she says that she didn't even think about, what happened, happening ahead of time. And knowing that does help, but there is always the question of how honest is she being? I know it is neccesary, but that one little voice is really getting on my nerves!!!

 

As always, Thanks!

 

you are making excuses for her.

 

I know you don't want to believe that she didn't know what she was doing.....but she did. I am assuming she is older than 18 and not 6, therefore, she knew what she was doing.

 

sorry to say, but you are exhibiting the attitude that will convey to her that she can get away with this again because you believe her BS.

 

You want to stay with her, then do so. But don't make excuses for her and quit taking it easy on her because she has you snowballed. And for gods sake do NOT think that if you are uneasy with what she did that it will be your fault if the relationship is ruined. It will be ruined because she CHOSE to cheat. Nobody forced her.

 

She cheated because she wanted to. I know that may be hard for you to accept, but its the truth. Unless women willingly spread their legs for guys who they don't want to have sex with. Sorry to be so crude about it, but thats the way it is and thats the way you need to see it. Otherwise you are going to cowtow to her.

[Dexter Morgan]

notsoeasy,

 

First thing...ignore the jaded people in your thread telling you to just toss away your wife.

 

well what business is it of yours to say that and claim advice superiority?

 

 

You`ll get good advice here from the more level headed folks who`ve been through similar experiences and in time you`ll learn to separate the wheat from the chafe so to speak.

 

uh, I didn't advise him to toss his wife, although I usually do....why do I usually do? Because I have been in similar experiences as he.

 

more level headed people? like you? better than those of us that have an opinion that differs from yours eh?

 

 

Edit:

 

The first two years of my marriage there were many reason for me to just leave my wife and she had her own as well.

It was rough, it was hard, it was painful.

 

Staying was the best move I ever made.

It may very well be the best move you could ever make as well.

 

If you value it and you`re strong it can work.

 

and see, I wouldn't best you for staying even though in my opinion a better life awaits you.

 

and I wouldn't tell him that your advice to stay or that it could be the best move he ever made was less than noteworthy.

 

NOTSOEASY...you are going to get advice on both sides of the fence...its up to you to filter it out for yourself, and not for someone else to tell you to ignore it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I really don't want "End it" advise. I appreciate what you all are saying, and it makes perfect sense. But I stated, in front of God, family, and friends that "I Do", and I meant it!

 

well apparantly she didn't take her vows of "forsake all others" seriously.

 

 

We have been together for a lot longer than just the marriage, and I need to forgive her, and hope for a better future. She made a mistake(just one!)

Have any of you not made a mistake?

 

cheating isn't a mistake.

 

Sure I've written the wrong entries in my checkbook....a mistake.

 

left the toilet seat up...a BIG mistake.

 

incorrectly called someone else by another name....mistake.

 

 

But I never cheated on anyone, and will never mess around with anyone's wife. Why? because that isn't something you just "mistake"....it happens because one wants it to happen and doesn't give a crap about the consequences.

 

 

Please, I just want to know that no matter what happens, I tried, to the best of my abilities!

 

and thats fine if you want to give it a shot...just don't be such a blind fool to excuse her actions as a mistake and "only once". If you retain that line of thinking....it will just happen to you again. Just asking you to open your eyes and quit putting her on a pedestal like she is this poor child who didn't know what she was doing.....she knew. She wasn't a child

[Dexter Morgan]

Excuse me but kicking his cheating wife to the curb is the most level headed advice considering they don't have kids and haven't been married that long.

 

this is another way to look at it...if she cheats again later, and don't think that she won't....then an annullment will be off the table.

[Notsoeasy]

Maybe it sounds like I have accepted her doing what she did. I'm not putting her up on a pedistal, and I don't think that she is a victum of anyone else's wrong doing. She was wrong! Catastrophicaly Wrong!

 

She knows what she did. She wasn't drunk, or druged. She is/was aware, and knows that she can't change a f***in' thing about it now. We both know this!

 

By the sounds of things, there is, just about, no way for me to forgive her, and get on with our life?

 

Am I really a "doormat" for trying to be open minded about this. Isn't that part of what "love" is? Are we not supposed to forgive? Am I really just being a sap?

 

I am not trying to sound pissy, but I was really hoping for more "help" with the healing, than guidence for D, but I need reality, so I am open.

 

Thanks~

[Bitterman24/7]

Maybe it sounds like I have accepted her doing what she did. I'm not putting her up on a pedistal, and I don't think that she is a victum of anyone else's wrong doing. She was wrong! Catastrophicaly Wrong!

 

She knows what she did. She wasn't drunk, or druged. She is/was aware, and knows that she can't change a f***in' thing about it now. We both know this!

 

By the sounds of things, there is, just about, no way for me to forgive her, and get on with our life?

 

Am I really a "doormat" for trying to be open minded about this. Isn't that part of what "love" is? Are we not supposed to forgive? Am I really just being a sap?

 

I am not trying to sound pissy, but I was really hoping for more "help" with the healing, than guidence for D, but I need reality, so I am open.

 

Thanks~

 

The reason why you are getting advice on the big D is because we have been in your situation and we just don't want to see you make the same mistakes we made, and we don't want to see you get hurt any more, thats all.

[Snowflower]

Maybe it sounds like I have accepted her doing what she did. I'm not putting her up on a pedistal, and I don't think that she is a victum of anyone else's wrong doing. She was wrong! Catastrophicaly Wrong!

 

She knows what she did. She wasn't drunk, or druged. She is/was aware, and knows that she can't change a f***in' thing about it now. We both know this!

 

By the sounds of things, there is, just about, no way for me to forgive her, and get on with our life?

 

Am I really a "doormat" for trying to be open minded about this. Isn't that part of what "love" is? Are we not supposed to forgive? Am I really just being a sap?

 

I am not trying to sound pissy, but I was really hoping for more "help" with the healing, than guidence for D, but I need reality, so I am open.

 

Thanks~

 

Okay, notsoeasy, maybe I can give you another perspective. FWIW, the responses you are getting here to your problem sound about typical. While many of the points that are brought up are valid and things that you should consider...it's sad that you don't get a more balanced perspective.

 

I am a BS like you in a marriage that is recovering very well after infidelity. Now as you know, no two situations are the same and no two people are the same so what worked for me might not work for you. But I will tell you that it is possible...if you're interested, please go back and read my thread from early 2009.

 

Like you, I received the same responses that I was a doormat, that I was delusional, that I didn't know the truth about my husband's affair (like anyone here knew better:rolleyes:), etc. But what I did have was a few objective posters who told me it was possible. I'm sorry you're not getting this.

 

Yup, it's one of the unfortunate things about infidelity that your wife cannot go back and undo what she did as much as she (and even you) would want to. Instead, you both need to figure out how to start over again--and it's different for every couple. I feel like I'm probably being too general and not helping you much here... but I did want to say that it is possible to recover from this and go on to have a better marriage.

 

If you have specific questions about healing, feelings about what happened, etc., then feel free to ask and I'll try to check back and answer to the best of my abilities.

 

One poster here suggested that since you had no children and your marriage was relatively young, that you should go ahead and divorce and start over together as a dating couple. I like that advice but I know that it isn't always realistic to do this. But it is a thought.

 

Finally, it takes a special couple to recover from infidelity. It takes a forgiving and loving betrayed spouse, a truly repentant and hard-working wayward spouse, and a strong marital relationship previous to the infidelity in order for the couple to have a chance. Good luck to you!

[kevinm1019]

Maybe it sounds like I have accepted her doing what she did. I'm not putting her up on a pedistal, and I don't think that she is a victum of anyone else's wrong doing. She was wrong! Catastrophicaly Wrong!

 

She knows what she did. She wasn't drunk, or druged. She is/was aware, and knows that she can't change a f***in' thing about it now. We both know this!

 

By the sounds of things, there is, just about, no way for me to forgive her, and get on with our life?

 

Am I really a "doormat" for trying to be open minded about this. Isn't that part of what "love" is? Are we not supposed to forgive? Am I really just being a sap?

 

I am not trying to sound pissy, but I was really hoping for more "help" with the healing, than guidence for D, but I need reality, so I am open.

 

Thanks~

Bottom line is despite what everyone says here... it is your life to live with your wife or without your wife. In my situation, I wanted complete truth about everything and how it happened down to the sex. Why? Because I wanted to be aware of any signs which may occur in the future to be well aware of the red flags and adjust accordingly. Did I sense something? Of course... and should have spoken on it when I first sensed it but you never know what a person will truly do until they are put in the situation... then the "true" measure of his or her character surfaces. Give yourself some "significant" time and time to see what your wife demonstrates. At this point... she is in survival mode because the balance of her life could be potentially changed forever. Trust me... when I say... you will know if she is truly remorseful and wants forgiveness to grow from this experience. Until then... ask for and expect complete transparency and get Google Lattitude installed on her mobile phone for peace of mind for yourself:

 

http://www.google.com/latitude/intro.html#dc=gh0sla&utm_campaign=en&utm_source=gh0sla&utm_medium=ha&utm_term=google%20latitude

[Snowflower]

Notsoeasy, "Confused in Kansas", has her own agenda for being lenient with cheaters, and while she does make good points, you should realize that her main argument that "not all affairs end in divorce", is misleading.

 

CIK is just trying to help and she is from the standpoint of a former wayward wife. This perspective might be helpful to the OP. What is so bad about that?

 

The vast majority of marriages where there is infidelity, end in divorce, at some point. It's something like 90%. Most marriages survive only if both partners are willing to work HARD at becoming the people they were when they made the marriage vows, and the WS MUST be completely remorseful, open, and willing to do ANYTHING the BS requires, to regain his/her trust. This is in my opinion the bottom line.

 

This I agree with! Well said.

[GordonDarkfoot]

For those that choose to stay and fight for their marriage, the Catch-22 is this - when do you start to believe that a person that has consistently lied to you is now telling you the truth?

 

Never.

 

By that I mean, you can never believe them again, based on 100% faith that, as your spouse, their word is the "gold standard." After being cheated on, the only thing you can do is "suspend judgment"--hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

 

Any inconsistencies stand out as a huge red flag. That DOES NOT mean they may still be lying. It DOES mean that they are subject to suspicion in a way they never were "before."

 

There's just nothing that can be done about that reality. The betrayed spouse who chooses to stay with their betrayer and believes the betrayer is as "trustworthy" as they believed before the affair was disclosed, is simply in a state of extreme denial.

 

No matter how much counseling, how much "work," how much turning over a new leaf the betrayer does, trust can no longer be 100% unconditional. That's simply a consequence of the betrayal itself.

 

 

 

 

That someone whose motives have been self-centered in this regard is now thinking of what is best for you? I think you're right to reject the input from those bitter posters who would tell you that every word out of her mouth is a lie but I'd hope that you wouldn't necessarily think the reverse was true.

 

At no time did OP post anything suggesting that his wayward spouse was thinking or acting in OP's best interests. She may be (although that is highly unlikely), but there is no evidence that she is.

 

Every word out of her mouth is most likely not a lie, maybe just half of it is. The problem is that OP has no way of knowing which half is the truth and which half is lies.

 

 

 

 

What was undone in a few "mechanical" minutes will take months and years to re-build. It's hard to get a sense from your posts as to her commitment to the process. Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a carefully coordinated series of decisions before, during and after. And she didn't confess, she was caught. Proceed carefully...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Everything OP has posted has been all about how invested HE is in saving the marriage. NOTHING he has posted--ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--indicates his wife has any real commitment either to him or to the marriage. Yes she has mouthed a few platitudes, but so what?

[Fight4Me]

Here's the direct link to the pinned thread in the Other Woman/Man Forum that Denise mentioned: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228723/

 

Obviously, you have received a wide spectrum of advice, some helpful, some not-so-helpful. As they say, take what is useful and discard the rest.

 

Before I get into my own opinion/experience, I will give you one piece of advice that I can guarantee will help you START on the long road to healing, and that is to get yourself to a bookstore today and buy the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It should be standard reading for every BS (betrayed spouse), WS (wayward spouse), and pretty much anyone who finds themselves affected by infidelity (or even potentially in some way). It will help answer all your questions, help prepare you for the inevitable turmoil every BS goes through, how to set boundaries, what to do, what not to do, and why. It will also help your WS examine herself, how to own up to the severity of her actions, why she needs to get help to determine why she permitted herself to commit an act that destroyed the one person she swore to God to love and cherish and killed the covenant you two made together. The book will also help you understand what needs to happen if the marriage is to be saved.

 

Now, as for me, I'm a BS and have been in reconciliation with my fWS (f=former) for over a year. It is only because of the hard work my husband has put into changing himself and the commitment he has made to helping me heal that I have been able to put effort into saving our marriage. While we have well over 20 years of history and three children together, I would not have given him a second chance if I hadn't seen a sincere life-changing experience that permanently altered his character. I think in some, I repeat, SOME cases, infidelity can prompt some people to realize how far they've fallen and motivate them to do what it takes to fix themselves in order to become better spouses, parents, friends, etc. Right now, it's hard to tell if your WW is there yet.

 

If this is true, and she is remorseful, has verifiably cut off all contact with the OM and is answering your questions to your satisfaction, your marriage has a chance to survive this.

 

She has to cooperate with you and be patient, this could take a long time.

 

You need to know all the details of the betrayal.

 

You should visualize as clearly as you can the sex act itself, you need to clean out that wound before it can heal. If you bury these images they will haunt you off and on as long as you're with her. Repeat the visualization until it becomes less painful. You'll always have a scar from this.

 

You need complete access to her email, phone, Facebook and IM accounts and the freedom to look at them at any time without her resistance.

 

You both need to figure out what led to the betrayal and what you both can do to prevent it in the future. Counseling may be needed.

 

You can expect the mistrust to last a long time. She needs to understand this, accept it and work with you on this.

 

Reread the above post again... much wisdom in it.

 

I was really hoping for more advise as to just how to constructively handle all of the feelings, visuals, questions,...etc.

 

I assume that everyone goes through the same "steps"???

Anger, guilt, betrayal, anger, self worth, doubt, anger,...

 

Everyone goes through the same various stages, but not all in a specific order or for a specific period of time. Right now, I would personally say you're still in shock. You seem a little numb to me, and maybe even in the bargaining stage a bit. I remember just wanting to go back to before the A ever took place, and I also remember feeling strangely optimistic (the calm before the storm). It was about a week before I allowed the pain to really take hold of me. The anger would hit me out of the blue every few weeks. Now, it's very rare that I have a trigger, but if/when I do, my fWH is very helpful in bringing me out of it. He doesn't react defensively (which kills a BS's healing and sets reconciliation back to square one), but is compassionate and remorseful.

 

I don't recommend you two go it alone. You're going to need help if you not only want to stay married, but prevent infidelity in the future.

 

And I was hoping for more advise on when/how to "bottle", and when/how to release. I need to know how to, constructively, discuss this with her. I don't want her to think that I have accepted this easily, but I love her, and don't want to keep pounding my emotions down her throat, but I believe that she needs to know how/what I am feeling...

 

If she is truly remorseful, then she will be willing to listen to you talk about it over and over again, and answer the same questions for however long it takes. If she's remorseful, she'll become proactive in learning what she can do to help you heal. If she avoids discussions, then it will only make you feel like she's not interested in making it work, and that is something you may need to consider.