Feeling Insanely Bipolar About This...

[mckenna]

I've been really close friends with this guy for over 2 years, during which time I fell madly in love. He knew the entire time, but decided not to do anything about it. You might think it was a jerky thing to do, but he took my flirting gracefully and didn't put me down about my unreturned feelings for him. Eventually I came to my senses and stopped letting him rule my life the way I had let him for so long.

 

A few days ago, I was still in the same place: over him. But then we started texting, which turned into sexting, and that had NEVER happened before. We had exchanged a few suggestive messages online over the years, but that's about it. The sexting happened again after a party we went to the next day, where we got very touchy-feely. We didn't kiss (never have) but it was still extremely tense. Eventually, we winded up agreeing to become friends with benefits this morning. It's working out well so far, since we both know each other so well. No, I'm not falling in love with him again, and he's not suddenly in love with me. We're both just insanely attracted to each other, and we both agreed that an "official" relationship just wouldn't work out between us.

 

Here's my problem: I'm starting to get unsure about this whole thing. It's happened before in my failed relationships too (I always broke up with the guy after a few weeks because I THINK I'm afraid of feeling vulnerable, getting rejected because of some sort of physical aspect of mine, and have a lack of trust). I'm terrified of him judging me in a negative way if/when we start getting more intimate. I told him I didn't trust easily and that I was afraid of feeling vulnerable and he told me not to worry because I would "never feel vulnerable" with him. I think I will anyway! I don't want to end this because I WANT to get intimate with him (and when we kind of did at the party, it was so easy and felt right), and I think I'm just psyching myself out. Or am I? I'm really confused! He's called me gorgeous, sexy, hot, all that stuff...but I'm still nervous he won't think so after we start doing stuff! I haven't even kissed him yet and I'm worried I'm going to get all awkward with it. But then I think about how easy it was for us at the party to just goof off and flirt and be ourselves, and I think, Hey, it won't be so bad! Stop making a big deal out of it! WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?! Will this phase pass hopefully?