Wife's affair is now my dilemma - experiences welcomed

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I have spent several sleepless night scouring these boards and am ready to share my dilemma.

 

Here's the brief background:

Me - BS husband age 42

Her - WS wife age 43

Married 17+ years

2 boys (ages 6 and 11)

 

I suspected she was having an emotional affair late 2009 with a black male age 36 - we are both white.

Spring 2010 suspicion confirmed. Began gathering evidence.

May 2010 - it appeared her boyfriend stopped because he was entering another relationship. (wife's text messaging went unreturned for several weeks)

June 2010 - Discovered second physical affair (Once?) started immediately after involving another black male age 36.

July 6 - confronted wife - she admitted to first affair. EA for over a year, PA for several months but only a few times. She denied and lied about second. Offers a simple "I'm sorry"

I move into guest bedroom.

 

July 15 - boyfriend 1 - reopens contact - she immediately responds.

 

July 17 - confront wife about re-opened contact. She says she was just saying goodbye. Cellphone is under my name and payment so I take it away.

She immediately goes to Sprint and gets her own phone account. Leaves store and goes to boyfriend ones apartment. My PI confirms her staying for a while and sees her leaving with a hug.

 

I can't accept that she is going to end it knowing this and she lies and said it was over.

 

I believe divorce is probably the only solution or at least a legal separation.

 

The problem is she won't leave the home - probably afraid of the lifestyle hit and we both want access to the boys.

 

I think we both know it is in our individual legal interests to each try to remain in the house.

 

I have always been a good father to my boys. I am active with their homework, care, support and activities. I drive them to school each day, Encourage and teach them. I am their cub scout and boy scout leader and soccer coach for youngest. I do work hard at my career to support my family. I accept that I am 50% of the problem in my marriage but she is 100% responsible for the affairs.

 

She has changed since the youngest started school. She started working out at gym. She was a stay at home Mom and now has a part-time job in gym daycare. New circle of younger friends. Frequently out at night playing bingo. Recently followed by a few trips to bars. Doesn't work with the boys on school work but does attend soccer games and scout awards banquets. She is the cool fun Mom - when she's around. She got a belly piercing and then a tattoo. She has always blamed me for the problems in out marriage and any discussions of the affair revolve back to what I failed to provide.

 

I fear the thought of a temporary hearing because my attorney tells me it is possible that a liberal judge could give her the home and boys and require me to move out. WTF ?

 

My dilemma - spend the next several years trying to ignore each other under the roof I provide. Or risk possible legal mandate to leave home while the courts decide.

 

Financially, the PI and lawyer will exhaust any liquid cash and I feel like I am about to be punished. Worse is that the boys are going to be punished no matter what the outcome.

 

Any experienced advice on this is appreciated - especially related on how to strengthen my case at temporary hearing (if I go forward).

 

I don't think she will even consider change or reconcile until she is given a wake-up call of legal separation. I can't reconcile with out her regaining the trust but would try for the interest of the boys.

 

Why should I have to risk daily separation from my boys or moving out? - this sucks!

When do we let the boys know what's going on? - they already ask why I live upstairs.

Do I ask my oldest to tell the court his side (by affidavit) before the temporary hearing (if I file)?

[JustJoe]

What does the race of the OM's have to do with anything? Would it somehow be "better", if they were white guys?

[Steadfast]

In many states, you can stipulate that the respondent pay all legal fees if the court decides in your favor. So, considering your situation, I'd get back with your lawyer and...kick some ass.

 

Consult your attorney, but I'd leave the kids out of it until he advises otherwise. As for them, avoid saying anything negative about their mother. In fact, hard as it is, try to remain as normal for them as possible. It's hard enough, no sense adding extra drama and pain to a bad situation.

 

Same with her. Resist the temptation to lash out or accuse. She's made her bed. If she won't move, your attorney may advise you to take the children somewhere when filing. She'll freak out, but if you get a temporary custody order all you'll have to do is allow her visitation until the final decree is set. Her attorney (if she gets one) may come up with another plan, and if that happens you'll fight it out. But, your actions now will demonstrate that you're legitimately concerned about the children's well being. That, and you are showing HER you won't bend over and take it dry. Best to show her now and make a point. She started it, you're finishing it.

 

Hang in. Eat, sleep and exercise. You'll make it!

[seibert253]

You need to go ahead, file, and have her served.

 

Have your attorney seek full custody, and request she vacate the home.

Now that probably will never happen, but who knows, she may just pack up and leave. That should be fine with you. Difficult yes, but this is no longer about her or your M, this is about you and your kids.

 

Play time is over. You've given her opportunity to change her tune. She responded by having A#2, and now is back with OM#1.

Time for hardball IMO

[2.50 a gallon]

DO2GB

 

I agree consult an attorney, begin to document everything, every conversation, and get yourself a voice activated recorder and put it in your pants pocket to record all conversations with her. The reason being that it sounds as it you the both of you are going to contest custody and the house.

 

One of the ploys of the wife is to initiate an argument then call the police and make false claims, there upon the H is arrested and when he gets out of jail he finds that a TRO has been filed, he cannot go near the house or the kids, and custody has already been greatly tipped in favor of

the W. Also the nastiest part is that in some cases the wife will move the OM in, and the H ends up being stuck having to pay for her cheating

 

Now a days in many places when a domestic violence call is made, by law one of the participants has to spend the night in jail

 

It happened to a friend, who in turned advised another friend when his day came, and when his wife tried the same thing it was her turn to the pookey

 

In short begin covering your a$$

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

What does the race of the OM's have to do with anything? Would it somehow be "better", if they were white guys?

 

Race should be a non-issue. As should age. The disparity in what she once found attractive, and what she has now shown, is maybe my the point.

 

I haven't changed. I was (am?) in love with the same woman I first married. I desired her despite any aging, weight gain, hair graying.....

 

It seems she has gone to a polar opposite.

 

That said - I am left feeling I do not possess the qualities or appearance that maybe she now desires. Making it seem further from the possibility that reconciliation would be desirable by her.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Thanks for the replies so far.

 

I appreciate the advice and discussion.

 

Has anyone "been there?"

 

How did it turn out for you?

[2.50 a gallon]

Unfortunately most of the states have gone "no fault" with divorce proceedings.

 

But there are exceptions, such as maybe Virginia, where if you can prove adultery, the courts will look highly in favor of betrayed spouse. Also, even some of the states with no fault have a provision for adultery, and again, if proved, will help even up the playing field with custody.

 

 

Also, in some states, he who files first get first say, especially if he files for temporary custody. IIRCC there was a poster late last year who suspected the wife of wandering and quickly got custody of their young daughter

 

Get yourself an attorney and listen to his advice. And if you can afford it get yourself the baddest of the bad meat eaters before the wife does.

[Feelin Frisky]

Race should be a non-issue. As should age. The disparity in what she once found attractive, and what she has now shown, is maybe my the point.

 

I haven't changed. I was (am?) in love with the same woman I first married. I desired her despite any aging, weight gain, hair graying.....

 

It seems she has gone to a polar opposite.

 

That said - I am left feeling I do not possess the qualities or appearance that maybe she now desires. Making it seem further from the possibility that reconciliation would be desirable by her.

 

Don't sweat that dude's stupid remark. It's just sniping at you rather than trying to offer any insight. I can't stand that kind of cheap shot fault-finding dismissiveness. You're entitled to speak the truth and let whoever feels the need to bottom feed make what they will of it. The fact that she had a fling with one black dude of that age, tends to just show that she was trying to replace him with a double when he did his thing with someone else. That tends to show that she was having a deep emotional affair and not some frivolous fling. Some may find that relevant as part of the truth without it having to mean that you're getting racial about it.

[GG2W]

Dude, are you one hundred percent wanting to divorce her?

 

The reason I ask is that I do have some knowledge of what you seem to be asking, and the truth is very ugly. And there is a chance that your wife does not know what she has gotten herself involved in.

 

As to a hint of what I speak, when I read your post, I was already wondering if you knew that the OM had shared her. This is most common.

 

As to your wife, is she prepared to some day discover that her likeness will someday be spotted by someone she knows on the internet?

[JustJoe]

Dude, the point I'm trying to make is that the color of the OM's is irrelevant. They are just guys looking for some sex. The person you need to confront is your wife, she's the one who cheated, and the only way to do it is by divorcing her butt. Do you want your boys to grow up thinking that their Dad is a doormat, who allows his wife to screw other men? You definitely need to take control and do what is right for your boys and yourself. Your wife isn't worth the pain she has caused.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Dude, are you one hundred percent wanting to divorce her?

 

The reason I ask is that I do have some knowledge of what you seem to be asking, and the truth is very ugly. And there is a chance that your wife does not know what she has gotten herself involved in.

 

As to a hint of what I speak, when I read your post, I was already wondering if you knew that the OM had shared her. This is most common.

 

As to your wife, is she prepared to some day discover that her likeness will someday be spotted by someone she knows on the internet?

 

 

As to the question of divorce - I would reply that nobody really wants the hand the were dealt. But given the situation and the priority being the boys, I see my options as :

1. Stay and live separate lives under the same roof to keep access to my sons and home.

2. File divorce and chance custody hearing with the potential of:

a. She has to leave and I get primary custody. (Best scenario!)

b. I have to leave my home for a year. Limited access to sons. (this sucks!)

 

In principal - I think option two is the only correct path but there is a possible outcome that is frightening to me.

If she gets custody - I believe the boys will suffer more and it is with their interest that I am most scared. not my selfish interest.

 

As to the rest of your post - I am not sure what you are alluding to. Shared her? Why would her likeness be on the internet? Please elaborate.

Edited August 3, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Dude, the point I'm trying to make is that the color of the OM's is irrelevant. They are just guys looking for some sex. The person you need to confront is your wife, she's the one who cheated, and the only way to do it is by divorcing her butt. Do you want your boys to grow up thinking that their Dad is a doormat, who allows his wife to screw other men? You definitely need to take control and do what is right for your boys and yourself. Your wife isn't worth the pain she has caused.

 

 

Color & age is irrelevant as to who they were - but not to what my wife must have been looking for since it appears to be a pattern.

 

No. I think the example I want to set for my boys is that there are morale standards and there are consequences to actions. But if they get awarded to her care - I feel like I have let them down - that I can't be the full time father that they need. As young as they are - they won't understand that by initiating the process - the decision is not made by me. Will they feel that since I elected to put it in the hands of a judge; it was my choice?

 

Do I make any sense?

Edited August 3, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[phineas]

Have you told HER family?

Granted I told my STBXW's family but by then she had allready been demonizing me to them for about as long as she had been cheating.

[2.50 a gallon]

I have been a member of LS for over a year now. IIRC, there were two instances that a black male was mentioned as the OM and in at least once and I believe in the second thread the BS found that photos of the act had been uncovered.

 

One of them was in the Infidelity section around Christmas time and the other I believe was in the OM / OW section

 

Does two out of two start a trend?

 

Maybe it is something you can look into if you are looking for evidence.

[benmac360]

 

As to the rest of your post - I am not sure what you are alluding to. Shared her? Why would her likeness be on the internet? Please elaborate.

 

What GG2W is referring to is there are websites that have interracial adult videos and photos, usually starring black men and married white women. Most of them are amateur productions (shot in a hotel room for example) and are made with the husband's knowledge (then he's a cuckold), while others are amateur videos but the wife is cheating on her husband, and that your wife may be in one of these types of videos.

 

Either way I hope you get full custody of your boys and the house that you surely worked so hard for. Its a travesty that there's a chance someone can callously destroy a marriage and shatter their childrens' trust yet still come out ahead in a divorce.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Have you told HER family?

Granted I told my STBXW's family but by then she had allready been demonizing me to them for about as long as she had been cheating.

 

 

I have considered this - VERY VERY SERIOUSLY.

 

I am in very good with her family - at least I believe so.

 

Her parents and my mother (my dad is deceased) live up north. The Navy moved us south, and I resigned my officer's commission when we decided to start having kids. I have worked for a major corporation in the southeast for the last 12 years and that put us through 2 more relocations, but still about 750 miles away.

 

As a father - I have been complimented by her mother many many times. When they call or I have the boys call them I make it a point to talk about the boys activities. They know how much time I spend with them and what I all do. They also know we chose for their daughter to be a stay at home Mom until the boys made it into school and still I have provided a comfortable lifestyle for our family.

 

They often ask to speak to their daughter and know how frequently she is "out" doing her thing the last couple of years (Bingo, dinner with friends, at the gym, shopping....). I think they may disapprove but don't voice it and are just glad that I am with the boys. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

 

I asked for their approval before I proposed over 18 years ago and I think I owe them an honest explanation of what is happening. I guess I am just trying to decide when to talk to them, before or after I have her served.

 

The legal advice I have gotten so far recommends a short term notice before the hearing basically blindsiding my wife.

 

BEFORE - may tip my hand and they may share more info with her about what I know and what I am planning to do.

 

AFTER - won't be much time before the temporary hearing and they may be pissed if she rightfully portrays this to them in a very negative manner.

 

I want to not only speak to them but also to ask for an affidavit which says that they would recommend I be appointed the temporary custodian while the divorce process takes it course. IF I can get this - it would be a strong endorsement to keep the boys and myself in our home and have her removed. One lawyer advised that blood is thicker than water and I may be giving up my edge of surprise.

 

I am pondering if I can make them realize that the boys are their blood too and I am trying to do the right thing for them. I have no issues with them and want them in the boys life. They have actively visited and I would like that to continue.

 

Anyone had experiences similar to this ? I really don't think they would approve. I just don't know if they would be willing to take a stand.

 

I want to do this in person. Her mother just had a surgery and has a long recovery in front of her. My wife didn't want to go visit with the boys before because she feared I would bring this issue to light by not sharing her bed or perhaps residing at my mother's. I am willing to fly or drive to Buffalo depending on the advice I get from people and the lawyer. I can't deliver this news over the phone. I was thinking of taking the boys camping before school starts and maybe going north with them. Do I leave the wife home alone? Do I leave the boys with her?

So many thoughts in my head I can't get a clear plan.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I have been a member of LS for over a year now. IIRC, there were two instances that a black male was mentioned as the OM and in at least once and I believe in the second thread the BS found that photos of the act had been uncovered.

 

One of them was in the Infidelity section around Christmas time and the other I believe was in the OM / OW section

 

Does two out of two start a trend?

 

Maybe it is something you can look into if you are looking for evidence.

 

 

Evidence of the affair should be a non-issue. PI has her at the apartment on two occasions. One when I got confirmation of the affair. Second after she told me it was over. Also - after I confronted her in July . She admitted it to affair #1. I was wise enough to have an MP3 recorder and have this to confirm affair. Also the phone records of all the contacts and a little more that shouldn't be required.

 

Are you saying there may be photos ? Online?

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

What GG2W is referring to is there are websites that have interracial adult videos and photos, usually starring black men and married white women. Most of them are amateur productions (shot in a hotel room for example) and are made with the husband's knowledge (then he's a cuckold), while others are amateur videos but the wife is cheating on her husband, and that your wife may be in one of these types of videos.

 

Either way I hope you get full custody of your boys and the house that you surely worked so hard for. Its a travesty that there's a chance someone can callously destroy a marriage and shatter their childrens' trust yet still come out ahead in a divorce.

 

 

I can't even fathom the above thought. But then again, I couldn't picture being in the situation I am in now.....

 

She hasn't really shared any heartfelt remorse by my standard. I asked for a Doctor's check-up and STD testing and to stop all communication.

 

She has proven the NC isn't on her agenda and as for the doctor's check-up, i haven't seen any effort.

 

Since her admission, I have since transferred my records to a new doctor. Made and kept an appointment and had myself tested. Embarrassing way to meet your new doctor. I am awaiting the results. I also transferred the boys record to this new doctor and booked their well visits for early September.

 

I feel like something is wrong with me. Hey Doc - can I be tested for STDs. Hey Doc - I couldn't keep my wife happy at home. I know its not my fault but it was so humiliating. At least my doctor had a slight sense of humor. When the nurse arrived and the doctor began the specimen collection (urethra swab - ouch) she thoughtfully said "You can thank your wife for this". Reducing my feeling of a leper to the unknowing nurse.

 

I digress sorry... Anyways, she doesn't see where she abandoned the boys by having this affair. Classic.

 

 

I think I would deal with this better if she had left before being with someone else. Even if she wanted to reoncile I I don't know how I could. Now I really resent any effort by her to remain and feel like she is such a leach for trying to stay in the house to be with the boys. How can she not think this is going to damage them?

[JustJoe]

Dad, sorry to say this, but right now, she isn't thinking about you or your kids, she is only thinking about her own pleasure. If you have all of this proof of her cheating, then maybe you could show this to her parents to prove your suspicions? At this point , what she thinks is irrelevant. She already has shown she doesn't love or respect you, so why be concerned for her feelings?

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Dad, sorry to say this, but right now, she isn't thinking about you or your kids, she is only thinking about her own pleasure. If you have all of this proof of her cheating, then maybe you could show this to her parents to prove your suspicions? At this point , what she thinks is irrelevant. She already has shown she doesn't love or respect you, so why be concerned for her feelings?

 

I don't care what she thinks. (I kind of hope she feels the pain, loss and embarrassment) Nor do I give any credence to the way she steers the conversations back around to the emotional emptiness I created.

 

My concern is FIRST for the boys and giving them what they need. I know somewhere that it is for the best that we part but I worry about any possibility of loosing any time with them and also having to be the one who exposes this to them makes me the creator of their pain.

 

I will tell the parents, just need to figure out when is the right time.

It has to be in person. And I don't want to loose my edge headed to court.

 

Posting here is therapeutic and is helping me get my plan of action clarified. It takes alot to try to get out the words. Rereading it also makes me feel like I'm a third person (no pun intended) and say - "HEY - WAKE UP. This is what you need to do!"

Edited August 4, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[JustJoe]

Dad, what is best for your boys is to have two parents that love them and provide for them, whether together or apart. Custody will be determined by who can best provide them with a good home. If she has multiple BF'S, the judge will take that into account. In many states the BF isn't allowed to even stay the night in the family home. One thing good that will happen is that you won't have to provide for her anymore.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Dad, what is best for your boys is to have two parents that love them and provide for them, whether together or apart. Custody will be determined by who can best provide them with a good home. If she has multiple BF'S, the judge will take that into account. In many states the BF isn't allowed to even stay the night in the family home. One thing good that will happen is that you won't have to provide for her anymore.

 

 

Fully believe the first part about two parents but originally thought we needed to be together to provide the best for them. (AGAIN - it is nice to see the words on the screen to make things clearer)

 

In South Carolina, laws on adultery bar alimony, if it goes to court. Lawyer says we can leverage the adultery into an agreement where we divorce under one year separation (no adultery documented) she would agree to forgo alimony and I get something additional (more custody, less fight, more assets....something)

 

Sucks that financially we will both loose. Lawyers cut, double bills, sell home, credit... I'm not as concerned about the financials as I am getting custody and time with my boys. That's why I am going for the best legal practice I can get.

 

For all who have posted or for those who will contribute with more posts :

THANK YOU! for listening and sharing your views!

[GG2W]

Continuing with benmac's post, sometimes the female is not aware that the act is being recorded

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I believe divorce is probably the only solution or at least a legal separation.

 

The problem is she won't leave the home - probably afraid of the lifestyle hit and we both want access to the boys.

 

I think we both know it is in our individual legal interests to each try to remain in the house.

 

I fear the thought of a temporary hearing because my attorney tells me it is possible that a liberal judge could give her the home and boys and require me to move out. WTF ?

 

My dilemma - spend the next several years trying to ignore each other under the roof I provide. Or risk possible legal mandate to leave home while the courts decide.

 

Any experienced advice on this is appreciated - especially related on how to strengthen my case at temporary hearing (if I go forward).

 

Why should I have to risk daily separation from my boys or moving out? - this sucks!

When do we let the boys know what's going on? - they already ask why I live upstairs.

Do I ask my oldest to tell the court his side (by affidavit) before the temporary hearing (if I file)?

 

 

I think this forum is in agreement on the direction to head. Having never been through this before I don't know what to expect.

 

What I have been told is that basically the 2 sides present affidavits to the judge and the judge appoints a guardian for the children at final hearing then reviews and decides the terms of separation. Custody - House - support - done.

 

How can I stack the deck in my favor so that the boys end up in my custody?

 

How did your temporary go if you had kids? Were you filing or your spouse? Who got custody? Any compelling reasons or surprises?