Wife's affair is now my dilemma - experiences welcomed

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Well, first off, I AM the at-fault party for allowing a EA to occur. I will take "credit" for that one.

 

I didn't think I wanted a divorce......until I saw just how nasty he got and the things he said to me over the course of the past few months. Now I think that the line of reconciliation HAS been crossed..... in fact we have both agreed that *IF* we were to ever get back together that we have to break it apart 100% and start over. There is NO picking up where we left off.

 

As for understanding...I don't think I'll ever understand any of this. Something that really has me confused, though, is his behavior towards me.... I don't know if it's "being a man" or if there is something else going on. I have tried to do everything he has asked of me ~ cut off contact (done); been transparent with phone calls, texts, emails (DONE ~ he has my passwords); he gave me a deadline of moving out by Oct. 1 (DONE); he asked me to get counselling (DONE)....on and on and on......but now he's acting all pissy about me moving out. I don't know if it's his emotions on a rollercoaster, or if he's angry that I'm actually going through it....or if he's hurt that I'm moving on...... He seems very resentful about the move, yet controlling. Wants to "help" me move so that he can set up the boys bedrooms and help me get settled....

 

 

You offer an interesting perspective for me.... What would I have done had my wife complied with my requests?

I knew it would be difficult to repair. I knew what I needed immediately was to see her show respect for me as a husband by complying with my requests to stop contact and be open and honest. Maybe I am a little relieved that I can put the fault on her.

 

But then I go back to the :

"I am wrestling with some issues of Christianity right now. I see how Satan would attack the relationship of husband and wife to take away from a relationship with God. I am staying true to my morals and struggling with if I would ever let her rejoin me. If I am unable to forgive, does that show a weakness with my relationship with God? <this is a personal issue - please respect my wishes to not comment on this point> "

 

Is this me falling prey to the temptation to hold on to the anger? The BOLD TYPE rings out loud and clear. I need this right now.

 

He was getting very angry when I was out looking at places and wouldn't immediately come home and share information. In my mind, I had made it clear that I was looking, but this is my decision that I am making (due to his request) and I didn't want to rub his face in the fact that I found a really cool condo (for example.) Basically, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

We went to marriage counseling for two sessions after the affair was in the open and she again crossed the line. It was here I told her I filed for divorce and was only there for the co-parenting advice. The counselor did try and explain my need for transparency and her need to be treated civilly. I am still so hurt that I don't care about her needs. (That's an ugliness I have to shoulder) but I will try to change for the children (and myself) as I don't see it as serving their interests in the long term. Right now I am using (abusing) it to help gain custody (also true).

 

Please try to explain to your husband that you are trying to honor his requests without "rubbing his face in it". I see this is very noble and if his hurt is keeping him from seeing this maybe you can help him understand. If he is like me - any joy you find right now is something he doesn't feel your entitled to and it will only cause him further misery. But that is where he has to separate his feelings from you. He (I and you as well) need to find happiness from inside self. No one is responsible for our happiness but our-self. And each of us is entitled to that.

 

I guess initially I responded to your post because I could relate to your situation.....and thought that maybe I could gain some insight as to what the STBX is going through.....and maybe somewhere along the way I could give you some tiny insight as to what your wife did. But I don't know about that ~ regardless of what I did, I could have NEVER ever crossed the line physically.

Thank you for participating, it would be a pretty empty useless place if no one posted....

I don't know if I can understand from what I have read so far of your situation but writing does help in so many other ways.

I respect you boundaries. Both for the physical aspect of marriage and for the line you have drawn with what you are willing to take from your husband. * IF * you clearly defined that boundary with your husband and he steps over, it shows there is no respect for your marriage. Were the boundaries clearly defined - both ways? And once they were, did you both respect them?

I do feel I did my part with this and am able to look in the mirror with self respect and a potential to make myself happy.

Hopefully each of us can.

Edited September 14, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I will tell you a little secret about men, might not be true for all, but most likely true for some, I think I know a little something about this, seeing I'm a man........men don't like to loose control of almost anything! Men, especially ones who are going through something similar as your Husband know that once upon a time they ruled their wife's worlds, they were the KING and their wife's were their QUEENS, subject to the "rules" and the "laws" of the kingdom....aka "your soon to be old house"! He just doesn't like the fact that he is loosing control of a lot of aspects of your life. This makes him very uneasy and would explain his "pissyness" and possible major irritability towards you!

 

To me the time for finger pointing is over, time for your own personal solutions and the plotting of your own personal life.

 

I see a lot of truth in what you say.

 

I would disagree about locking down your info while you are in the marital home. If this was a boundary defined by your husband, and you are able to honor it, it is respectful while you are still living as husband and wife. The day you reside separately that can and should change that. He will not be entitled to that and you do deserve your privacy.

 

Your husband is also struggling with himself. You complied with his requests and now he must deal with the fact that he must make the next step. As I said in my previous post -

"What would I have done had my wife complied with my requests?

I knew it would be difficult to repair. I knew what I needed immediately was to see her show respect for me as a husband by complying with my requests to stop contact and be open and honest. Maybe I am a little relieved that I can put the fault on her."

 

Now he must work on himself and as we have all experienced that is difficult and those around us share the pain of someone struggling in a family unit.

[dqmommy]

Please forgive me for just jumping in here, I mean no one any harm nor do I mean any disrespect by my jump in. But the above and stated information you gave, I personally feel that it's time to take back ownership of some aspects of your world. To me your phone records, voice data, text data, numbers dialed, calls received and your secret password needs to be totally taken back and placed 100% in your good care. To me, I would change your password to all that as soon as possible. And about what you were saying about your Husband getting all "pissy" about the notion of you moving out, let him get all pissy, let him invest a lot of mental energy in the notion of you moving out. Let him rent his own space in his head on the fact that you are moving, it's his own "head trip" not yours. As far as the counseling thing you stated, in my opinion it might be time to start changing the direction of the therapy, from something that was more aimed at helping two people in a marriage, to something more based on the lines of something only for you!

 

 

 

As I kind of stated above, about your Husband getting "pissy", let him! Above your telling us about being out there looking for a new place to call home. I am glad your looking or possibly already found your next home. But this stuff is all about "you", not "him"! If he wants to blow a "head gasket" on the fact that your not sharing anything in regards to you looking and possibly finding your own place, that's just tuff for him. I think it's cool that your not wanting to rub anything in the mans face, that might turn out to be a very good thing right about now. I will tell you a little secret about men, might not be true for all, but most likely true for some, I think I know a little something about this, seeing I'm a man........men don't like to loose control of almost anything! Men, especially ones who are going through something similar as your Husband know that once upon a time they ruled their wife's worlds, they were the KING and their wife's were their QUEENS, subject to the "rules" and the "laws" of the kingdom....aka "your soon to be old house"! He just doesn't like the fact that he is loosing control of a lot of aspects of your life. This makes him very uneasy and would explain his "pissyness" and possible major irritability towards you!

 

I know you've mentioned the fact about stating your responsibility in all this, that's fine and dandy, but as my family told me during my divorce, "doesn't matter who is 20% or 50% or 80% or even 100% responsible, it takes two to dance"! 50/50 is fair, that is honest about who is responsible. But things like you are 100% and he is 0% is just silly and a tad bit nut's. To me the time for finger pointing is over, time for your own personal solutions and the plotting of your own personal life.

 

Again sorry to just jump in here, but I felt like all this needed to be said! Good luck, keep your chin up and we are here to help and talk.

 

Holy Cow! Are you SURE you're a man?????

 

I had to read your post a couple of times to make sure that I was reading you correctly ~ that you weren't blaming me and telling me that I was all at fault here I'm pretty used to hearing that by now!!!

 

So....as far as the counselling goes, it is all about me now. As much as I hate the term "giving up" that's pretty much what has happened. I have accepted that this is really happening and that I need to take control of my new life and start enjoying it.

 

I only have 3 more days in the "family home"......then I'm out of here and into my snazzy new condo. I'm just trying to ride the wave right now, stay out of his way and get done what I need to get done. I have taken back control of my own email, my phone, etc.......but I just have done that in the past day or so. And ONLY after I went and put everything in my own name and my own money.

 

AND I started my new job today. I haven't worked for money in decades. It was a pretty cool feeling.

 

I'm beginning to see that eventually he's going to need to accept some semblance of responsibility for this. I did not get here all by myself. Yes, I made the wrong choice, but if I had been getting what I needed then maybe I wouldn't have fallen prey to the temptation.

 

Anyway, THANKS for jumping in. It kind of made my night!!!

[dqmommy]

You offer an interesting perspective for me.... What would I have done had my wife complied with my requests?

I knew it would be difficult to repair. I knew what I needed immediately was to see her show respect for me as a husband by complying with my requests to stop contact and be open and honest. Maybe I am a little relieved that I can put the fault on her.

 

But then I go back to the :

"I am wrestling with some issues of Christianity right now. I see how Satan would attack the relationship of husband and wife to take away from a relationship with God. I am staying true to my morals and struggling with if I would ever let her rejoin me. If I am unable to forgive, does that show a weakness with my relationship with God? <this is a personal issue - please respect my wishes to not comment on this point> "

 

Is this me falling prey to the temptation to hold on to the anger? The BOLD TYPE rings out loud and clear. I need this right now.

 

 

 

We went to marriage counseling for two sessions after the affair was in the open and she again crossed the line. It was here I told her I filed for divorce and was only there for the co-parenting advice. The counselor did try and explain my need for transparency and her need to be treated civilly. I am still so hurt that I don't care about her needs. (That's an ugliness I have to shoulder) but I will try to change for the children (and myself) as I don't see it as serving their interests in the long term. Right now I am using (abusing) it to help gain custody (also true).

 

Please try to explain to your husband that you are trying to honor his requests without "rubbing his face in it". I see this is very noble and if his hurt is keeping him from seeing this maybe you can help him understand. If he is like me - any joy you find right now is something he doesn't feel your entitled to and it will only cause him further misery. But that is where he has to separate his feelings from you. He (I and you as well) need to find happiness from inside self. No one is responsible for our happiness but our-self. And each of us is entitled to that.

 

 

Thank you for participating, it would be a pretty empty useless place if no one posted....

I don't know if I can understand from what I have read so far of your situation but writing does help in so many other ways.

I respect you boundaries. Both for the physical aspect of marriage and for the line you have drawn with what you are willing to take from your husband. * IF * you clearly defined that boundary with your husband and he steps over, it shows there is no respect for your marriage. Were the boundaries clearly defined - both ways? And once they were, did you both respect them?

I do feel I did my part with this and am able to look in the mirror with self respect and a potential to make myself happy.

Hopefully each of us can.

I truly do feel that there was nothing I could have done to salvage my marriage. I believe he would have spent the rest of his life snooping on me, and not trusting me......I cannot live that way ... I'm wayyyy too young for that and hopefully have lots of life left to live.

 

I don't think there is anything I could have done to satisfy him.

 

He has done some things since this event that really make me question who he is and just how much he did love me versus him just staying with me out of comfort (if that makes any sense).

 

Maybe someday I'll get the nerve to post my story on my own thread....truly I'm just afraid of getting my *ss chewed even more than I already have ... trust me, I've punished myself enough, I don't need anyone adding to that for me!

 

BUT everything I have said here is true, and does give you the general jist of what happened.....

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

As much as I hate the term "giving up" that's pretty much what has happened. I have accepted that this is really happening and that I need to take control of my new life and start enjoying it.

 

How can you "give up" on something that you don't have or control?

 

Acceptance of the situation maybe.... but that is not giving up.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I truly do feel that there was nothing I could have done to salvage my marriage. I believe he would have spent the rest of his life snooping on me, and not trusting me......I cannot live that way ... I'm wayyyy too young for that and hopefully have lots of life left to live.

 

I don't think there is anything I could have done to satisfy him.

 

He has done some things since this event that really make me question who he is and just how much he did love me versus him just staying with me out of comfort (if that makes any sense).

 

I also believe there is nothing further I could have done to salvage my marriage. I believe I would have spent the rest of my life snooping on my wife, and not trusting her......I also cannot live that way ... I'm young enough and hopefully have lots of life left to live.

 

I don't know if there is anything she could have done to satisfy me - after crossing my boundaries.

 

I have done some things before her affair that really make me question who I was and just how much I loved having an intact but dysfunction family around me rather than demanding the respect I deserved before using her affair as my parachute (if that makes any sense).

[dqmommy]

How can you "give up" on something that you don't have or control?

 

Acceptance of the situation maybe.... but that is not giving up.

 

OOOoohhh!!! I need to think about this one.

 

That is an interesting perspective.

 

I think maybe I have allowed him to lay all the blame on me and make it seem like I am the one who ruined everything.....everything that he thought we had.....??????

[dqmommy]

I also believe there is nothing further I could have done to salvage my marriage. I believe I would have spent the rest of my life snooping on my wife, and not trusting her......I also cannot live that way ... I'm young enough and hopefully have lots of life left to live.

 

I don't know if there is anything she could have done to satisfy me - after crossing my boundaries.

 

I have done some things before her affair that really make me question who I was and just how much I loved having an intact but dysfunction family around me rather than demanding the respect I deserved before using her affair as my parachute (if that makes any sense).

 

LOL. Well if you ever figure out IF there was anything she could have done, would you let me know??? Because I am certainly burning out enough brain cells trying to come up with that answer myself. I don't think there is a single thing I could have done.

 

Do you think that now that you are recognizing that maybe you used her affair as a way to get where you are now (as in, beginning to realize you might have a better life???) you will be able to get over the resentment, even a little bit???

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Do you think that now that you are recognizing that maybe you used her affair as a way to get where you are now (as in, beginning to realize you might have a better life???) you will be able to get over the resentment, even a little bit???

No.

 

Sadly I think of my kids lives. The constant loss of contact of one of two parents. I will be very bitter about this.

 

Add in the fact that I stand to loose 1/2 equity in a house and retirement plan, get stuck with paying off a car I don't drive to save my credit score, 8K in legal fees and rising, 6 months of not getting laid (so far and rising). Because she wanted to jump someone else rather than rebuild on what we had...

[dqmommy]

No.

 

Sadly I think of my kids lives. The constant loss of contact of one of two parents. I will be very bitter about this.

 

Add in the fact that I stand to loose 1/2 equity in a house and retirement plan, get stuck with paying off a car I don't drive to save my credit score, 8K in legal fees and rising, 6 months of not getting laid (so far and rising). Because she wanted to jump someone else rather than rebuild on what we had...

 

Fair enough!!!

 

But........I have to say (yes, playing devils advocate here)..........not a word you wrote has anything to do with losing HER specifically......it's money, the kids....and your personal satisfaction......nothing about HER.

 

NOT trying to be the bad guy here, just saying that maybe, just maybe....someday you will realize you are better off without her and you will be even happier in your life than maybe you would have been.

[Caught&Dealing]

I truly do feel that there was nothing I could have done to salvage my marriage. I believe he would have spent the rest of his life snooping on me, and not trusting me......I cannot live that way ... I'm wayyyy too young for that and hopefully have lots of life left to live.

 

I don't think there is anything I could have done to satisfy him.

 

He has done some things since this event that really make me question who he is and just how much he did love me versus him just staying with me out of comfort (if that makes any sense).

 

Maybe someday I'll get the nerve to post my story on my own thread....truly I'm just afraid of getting my *ss chewed even more than I already have ... trust me, I've punished myself enough, I don't need anyone adding to that for me!

 

BUT everything I have said here is true, and does give you the general jist of what happened.....

 

As someone who also "got caught" recently and has been watching from afar, isn't it true that you gave him a reason to snoop? Also, what sort of things has he done since this came out that make you question him? Was he just dealing with pain when he acted out of character? I've seen firsthand how deeply this hurts a person. I don't know that its fair to judge when they've just suffered such a traumatic experience. I'm trying to learn to deal with my guilt and not try to justify what I did by throwing stones at my spouse. Its not a pleasant thing to go through, from either side of this! Again, I'm not judging, just trying to say I had to have my eyes opened because I said some similar things early on.

[Caught&Dealing]

If I'm going to ask you questions about your situation, I need to open up a bit about mine -

 

I spent a lot of time demonizing my spouse before and especially after I strayed. I am the victim, I need to break free, stop controlling me, my needs aren't met - I could go on and on. These were all things I told myself. The reality was that I didn't go to her when I realized how bad things had gotten for me. I convinced myself it was over without talking to her about how I was feeling. Something was wrong, but I denied it, tried to hide it from her. I started venting to someone else, and began developing a need-based relationship with that person. The deeper I invested in another relationship emotionally, the worse this got. I was having the conversations with another woman that I should have been having with my wife. From that point, it was a spiral of justifications and twisting everything my wife did or didn't do to make it easier for me to deal with my guilt for what I was doing.

 

What struck me in reading some of your posts is that I said some of the same sort of things after she found out. I was trying to minimize the significance of the EA, and kept bashing her for things I wasn't getting in our relationship. I finally had to face the true impact of what I did and the effect it had on my spouse. She was so hurt, so devastated that all that mattered to her was coming to grips with how I betrayed her. She could not believe that the man she knew was capable of deceiving her and hurting her so deeply. She'd never considered being in this position, and frankly, neither had I. Initially I denied the significance of the other relationship and kept bringing up issues in our relationship. She felt that I was rushing her to get past the affair and was trying to justify what I'd done. I kept talking about needing to work on our problems - problems that I didn't address with her BEFORE I strayed. In the end, she was right - I was trying to make her responsible for what I did - the choices I made. It takes time to recover from an affair, for the other party to process their hurt and anger, and I had to take that time to really look inside myself. I realized I was not being honest with myself, and until I did that, there was no hope for our relationship. Its been over 6 months now, and we are still working at it.

 

Best of luck to you in your situation.

 

Also, to Dad of 2 great boys - sorry for hijacking the thread. I think you are doing what you have to do. Self doubt and confusion are unfortunately part of this, but you are on the right path.

Edited September 16, 2010 by Caught&Dealing
need to add one more comment

[dqmommy]

If I'm going to ask you questions about your situation, I need to open up a bit about mine -

 

I spent a lot of time demonizing my spouse before and especially after I strayed. I am the victim, I need to break free, stop controlling me, my needs aren't met - I could go on and on. These were all things I told myself. The reality was that I didn't go to her when I realized how bad things had gotten for me. I convinced myself it was over without talking to her about how I was feeling. Something was wrong, but I denied it, tried to hide it from her. I started venting to someone else, and began developing a need-based relationship with that person. The deeper I invested in another relationship emotionally, the worse this got. I was having the conversations with another woman that I should have been having with my wife. From that point, it was a spiral of justifications and twisting everything my wife did or didn't do to make it easier for me to deal with my guilt for what I was doing.

 

What struck me in reading some of your posts is that I said some of the same sort of things after she found out. I was trying to minimize the significance of the EA, and kept bashing her for things I wasn't getting in our relationship. I finally had to face the true impact of what I did and the effect it had on my spouse. She was so hurt, so devastated that all that mattered to her was coming to grips with how I betrayed her. She could not believe that the man she knew was capable of deceiving her and hurting her so deeply. She'd never considered being in this position, and frankly, neither had I. Initially I denied the significance of the other relationship and kept bringing up issues in our relationship. She felt that I was rushing her to get past the affair and was trying to justify what I'd done. I kept talking about needing to work on our problems - problems that I didn't address with her BEFORE I strayed. In the end, she was right - I was trying to make her responsible for what I did - the choices I made. It takes time to recover from an affair, for the other party to process their hurt and anger, and I had to take that time to really look inside myself. I realized I was not being honest with myself, and until I did that, there was no hope for our relationship. Its been over 6 months now, and we are still working at it.

 

Best of luck to you in your situation.

 

Also, to Dad of 2 great boys - sorry for hijacking the thread. I think you are doing what you have to do. Self doubt and confusion are unfortunately part of this, but you are on the right path.

 

C&D ~~~ you are very right on so many levels. In fact I agree with you nearly 100% on everything......with one exception (and I'm certainly not saying it's a right or wrong exception....and there's no way you could have known this.....) We've been dealing with "issues" in our marriage for nearly 15 years.....from the time in my life when I had a toddler and a brand new infant and he decided that he didn't want to be married anymore, didn't want children and didn't love me. Those are not fun things to hear. LONG story short......he sent me and the children away, then begged me to come back, said he was wrong and that was it. He NEVER ever wanted to deal with it. If I ever brought it up, I got into trouble because I couldn't let the past go, so I learned to ignore what had happened and carry on. We see how well that worked out.....

 

I feel like I have lived under the threat of divorce for many years...that he was stuck with me for financial reasons (ie he couldn't afford to divorce me) and that he didn't really want to be here. We've been to counselling, we've tried to have the discussions and all he did was avoid the subject. Never dealt with it.

 

Anyway. I am GLAD to hear that your marriage is sticking it out and you are working on it. I wish it could have gone that way for me too.....but then again, maybe this will give me the opportunity to find out what I really need in life.

 

Thanks for your comments

[controlledchaos]

dqmommy,

i can feel some of your pain. a lot of what you said i can nod my head yes to because i have lived it as well.

 

i did go to my stbx and have him tell me to take the kids and leave. i did hear him tell me he didn't know if he loved me anymore and didn't know if he wanted to stay married. i spent 15 yrs with him as well. it was heartbreaking to hear.......

 

 

C&D ~~~ you are very right on so many levels. In fact I agree with you nearly 100% on everything......with one exception (and I'm certainly not saying it's a right or wrong exception....and there's no way you could have known this.....) We've been dealing with "issues" in our marriage for nearly 15 years.....from the time in my life when I had a toddler and a brand new infant and he decided that he didn't want to be married anymore, didn't want children and didn't love me. Those are not fun things to hear. LONG story short......he sent me and the children away, then begged me to come back, said he was wrong and that was it. He NEVER ever wanted to deal with it. If I ever brought it up, I got into trouble because I couldn't let the past go, so I learned to ignore what had happened and carry on. We see how well that worked out.....

 

I feel like I have lived under the threat of divorce for many years...that he was stuck with me for financial reasons (ie he couldn't afford to divorce me) and that he didn't really want to be here. We've been to counselling, we've tried to have the discussions and all he did was avoid the subject. Never dealt with it.

 

Anyway. I am GLAD to hear that your marriage is sticking it out and you are working on it. I wish it could have gone that way for me too.....but then again, maybe this will give me the opportunity to find out what I really need in life.

 

Thanks for your comments

[RJMG]

dqmommy,

It is so sad that this has been going on for fifteen years! You and your husband couldn't get past that? I had a similar situation...my husband stepped out of the marriage. Coworker...isn't it always! We talked about it, and talked about it, and talked about it. He would get mad at me because I kept bringing it up. Then I realized I had a choice...either forgive him or not. I realized the 14 years we were married were worth trying to forgive. At marriage therapy....they told us you can't garbage dump...that is, you can't keep bringing up the past every time you are unhappy. Forgiveness is forgiveness...either you forgive or you don't. I wasn't able to forgive him. I just couldn't get passed it. But, I own that. I do wish we would have gone to marriage therapy longer...maybe if I saw a therapist on my own for awhile things would have been different. I will tell you, the marriage was worth saving. He was/is a great guy....but he made a big mistake. Oh, and being on your own is no picnic. Can you tell I am still having regrets? Are you sure it is over?

Edited September 16, 2010 by RJMG

[Darth Vader]

Dad, I wonder...............

 

Is there any way your STBX-Hex might/could find this place/haven (LS) of yours?

 

I ask this because it's crucial that your STBX doesn't find this place, she may be able to do some serious damage to you. What I mean is, she would know what your possible plans are, even what you're considering to do concerning how you're going through the Divorce with her! Watch what you type here, don't give too many details, or she may find you!

Edited September 18, 2010 by Darth Vader