ColdServer Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Found out 4 months ago that my wife of 20 years has been ****ing a wanker she works with for 5 years. Only happened at work, never met outside of work, just when they had the opportunity, just sex, upstairs in their office. She hasn't seen him since I found out, doesn't want to. We are making it work, she is genuinely sorry. I'm getting there, it's just the 5 year thing that constantly gets me, I mean my kids were 10 & 12, it just hurts so much. Also I really want to batter this c*nt, I've even worked out how to maybe get away with it, would you? The only thing stopping me is that then everyone would know why I did it & though it may sound soft I don't want people thinking badly of my wife. Comments please. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Seek help immediately. The only time you should hit a woman is if your life is in danger and hitting her is the only way to alleviate that. The fact that you even asked this question is extremely troubling. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Violence is bad. Go see someone for help. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Kev... I think he's talking about smacking OM, not his wife. That's the only way that his 3rd paragraph makes any sense. Cold... I've been where you are. In my case, TBXW had an 8-month affair that started 6 weeks after our wedding almost 8 years ago. That piece of crap has socialized with me since then (and did so while the affair was going on!). The closest I've come to cracking his pathetic skull was to send him an extremely nasty, expletive-filled letter a couple of months ago. That did me a world of good. TBXW wasn't happy to find out I did that (I told her about it about a month later), but that argument was OK because it enabled me to unload a bunch of pent-up rage about OM to her that I'd kept bottled up for too long. One of my better lines was, "if he was dying of thirst in the desert, I'd drink my own p*ss before I'd let him have some." I don't know if she agreed with my assessment of him as a total sh*t or not (if I look at it charitably, he's a selfish opportunist who took advantage of somebody who was extremely unhappy just to get his rocks off), but it sure felt good to write the letter, and even better to tell her about it. Anyway, I never heard from him in response in any way (which doesn't surprise me, given what a pathetic coward he is). I still have recurring fantasies about accidentally running into him downtown and knocking a few teeth out of his ugly buck-toothed maw. Might happen, might not. But the possibilities keep me entertained. Either way, however, I do agree with Kev and Dark that you should get some counselling, ASAP. You have a lot of issues to sort out and you need to be talked down. God knows I needed that. I'd also suggest the letter, though make sure that, as offensive and nasty as it is, it doesn't contain any threats that could get you in trouble. Given that he's her co-worker, you'd also better make sure that she's not still seeing him. If she's interested in fixing the marriage, she must immediately cut off all contact with him. If that means quitting her job, so be it. She has to be put to a choice between her job/her f*ck buddy, and her marriage to you. Make it clear that the choice is stark, but non-negotiable. Good luck brother... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Kev... I think he's talking about smacking OM, not his wife. No, he's not. If he were, he wouldn't have called her an offensive name reserved to hurt females. If you "batter" your woman, I hope you go to jail. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Ahhh... I think I see what's causing the problem here. I encountered this on one of my posts a few months ago. Brits often use the word "c*nt" to refer to guys, not just women. Seems to be pretty uncommon in North America. Plus, if you read the rest of that paragraph, and he IS talking about hitting HER, then how does that make sense with "not wanting people to think badly of his wife"? Anyway, that's just my take... I think we should all just shut up till Cold confirms exactly what he's talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 Plus, if you read the rest of that paragraph, and he IS talking about hitting HER, then how does that make sense with "not wanting people to think badly of his wife"? "everyone would know why I did it & though it may sound soft I don't want people thinking badly of my wife." That's what he said. As in, Everyone would know why I beat her, and if they knew why I beat her, they'd know she cheated, and they'd think badly (sic--poorly) of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdServer Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 I am not talking about hitting my wife, in UK a c*nt is not a woman specifically but any arseh*le. I also mean that if I didn't get away with beating him, and it will be badly as I see it as in for a penny in for a pound, then people would know why. My main point is in the long run will I feel better that I took out my anger/stress on one of the people that put me & my kids through this crap & specifically on the one I don't love or have any need to build a relationship with. Also I don't believe I need to seek help as I haven't done anything (yet?) other than logically run through my options & the consequences/effects on my kids i.e. prosecution for assault. Has anyone done this, how did you feel, better, worse, no different? This wanker used to be friendly to me at hetr works functions, buy me a drink, talk about football etc. I know she was no better but I give her more leeway as I love her & hate him. His wife won't believe it as they only f*cked at work there are no unexplainable absences, meetings etc. that would give anyone suspicions. Only my wife & him knew about it. She/he has convinced herself my wife had a crush on him & has to keep up this story to justify making it up in the first place, as if we would go through this **** for a lie. So I feel he has got away with it, which fuels my anger, whereas we have gone through hell. My wife never went back to work after I found out. She drunkenly told my daughter when she thought they were sharing a moment as friends not mother/daughter. My girl made her tell me the next day, she has been a rock but both my kids are suffering, which as you can by now guess fuels my anger. 4 months on I am glad I didn't just react & get a baseball bat & go after him which was my first thought but as the saying goes, revenge is a dish best served cold. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Originally posted by ColdServer . 4 months on I am glad I didn't just react & get a baseball bat & go after him which was my first thought but as the saying goes, revenge is a dish best served cold. Prison rape, also a dish best served cold. Think about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdServer Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 As I already said I've weighed up the consequences of any such action & would have no intention of raping anyone in prison!! But my question was has anybody else took violent revenge & how did it make them feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 I don't read it as him wanting to beat his wife at all. He is upset with the other man (not sure why when your wife is the one that betrayed your trust, not him). You won't beat you wife. You will not touch this guy. He isn't worth the effort or the trouble. Don't give him your energy and don't make him feel worthy of your time and energy either. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 You may not think you need any help, but perhaps talking to a professional about all this pent up rage and anger will help you release some of it before you do anything violent that you regret. As Kat said, it's your wife that betrayed you, not some scumbag guy she works with. Good luck man. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Don't blame the guy. The guy might not have even KNOWN she was married, you never know. And no one said YOU'D be doing the raping in prison. Don't do it. Go to a gym. Beat the hell out of a punching bag, not a person, don't be stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Originally posted by ColdServer As I already said I've weighed up the consequences of any such action & would have no intention of raping anyone in prison!! I was implying your role as 'the receiver', not the giver. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdServer Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 I know what you were implying. And he knew she was married. As I also said before I'm not looking to build any sort of relationship with him so he can bear the brunt of my frustration. I know you don't hit women, I don't want to hit a woman, I want him to feel some pain & if it can't be mental like mine it can surely be physical instead. Surely not everyone apart from me wants to turn the other cheek or be the bigger/better man. What would be so wrong in an a*sh*le taking a beating? Who wouldn't think he got what he deserved even if as civilised beings we are supposed to rise above such animalistic responses? I know it takes two, I know it wasn't rape, thats probably why I've done nothing physical but cry. Do you think he sits at home thinking, " I wish I was as good & as big a man as ColdServer" does he f*ck! In fact when my wife finished with him, which was before I found out he told her he was going to have to start looking for his next victim. I know the world isn't perfect & "it takes all sorts" but why? Who really gives a f*ck about c*nts like him or what happens to them? Despite how much aggression you think is in my post I am in fact sitting here quite calmly & logically thinking through all for & against arguments & still find no merit in the "He's not worth it" argument. I know all that but "don't blame the guy", I think I'll blame who I like. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Go ahead and blame him all you like. Your anger is fully justified, in my view. And I totally understand your point about loading it all on him instead of your wife, because you want to rebuild with her. Let me repeat, your anger is justified and natural. Most people who have been hurt like you have would be extremely angry. And yes, that other man (let's stick to terms that we all understand on both sides of the Atlantic) does not deserve to be shielded from your anger. Some say that if there were more real consequences for misdeeds like this, they would become fewer. it may sound soft I don't want people thinking badly of my wife "Soft"???? Huh??? On the contrary, there is nothing more honorable and touching than a man protecting his wife and her good name...especially when she may not "deserve" it. She has hurt you badly, but she is still your wife and the mother of your children. Who really gives a f*ck about [evil men] like him or what happens to them? Well, at some abstract level, I care about all human beings. And I wouldn't want you to kill him or permanently maim him. But it would probably be fair if you gave him a black eye, bloody nose, and good kicking and stomping all around. Would this be a "fair fight" or more just a bashing with no holds barred? Any weapons (clubs, brass knuckles, etc.?) Would you challenge him formally, or just catch him when he's leaving work or staggering home from the pub? And would you have backup and assistants, or would it just be 1:1? How much fighting experience do you have? Also...last question...how evenly are you matched? Let's imagine you gave him a thorough thrashing. Visualize him lying there whimpering and cowering in the alley, blubbering his bloody tears, unable or unwilling even to stand. You stand over him, bruised and sore, panting hard, your knuckles aflame. How do you feel now? What would you say to him? Or would you just give him a final kick in the guts or nuts, spit on him, and walk away? Any arguments I would have against a beating for the OM would be based on the bad effects it would have on you and your wife. And other people have mentioned those already. I sympathize deeply with your hurt, and I do hope that you can find a way to heal it and bring peace to your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Men and women react to things differently but I think violence comes to both minds when thinking about the other man or woman. But men are more physical and react to things physically. It doesn't make you a violent person for your thoughts. Going to jail will happen if you beat this guy to a pulp AND you could go too far and kill him....Don't waste one single punch on this guy but you could write him a letter saying how you feel and scare him a bit so he won't be comforable and will be looking over his shoulder. And do something physical, like the punching bag that was suggested!! Sorry for your hurt! Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Cold, I understand how you feel entirely. Your wife betrayed you -- there's no denying that. But by screwing your wife while knowing she was married, and specifically married to you, that c*nt broke an understanding that you and he had as members of the human race not to f*ck each other over. He broke that. In law, there's a presumption that if you do something whose consequences are objectively foreseeable as certain, that's the same as intending those consequences. If you throw a bomb in a crowded room, it doesn't matter that you're honestly hoping against hope that nobody dies. Objectively, you knew people were likely to die, so legally, it's the same as intending to kill them. Should you crack his skull? Definitely don't make plans to do that. If necessary, set up obstacles between you and him, because your emotions are running too high for you to be counted on to check your own behaviour. In my situation, the c*nt in question was an occasional participant at a monthly poker game hosted by my best friend. Saw him there on a number of occasions during the years I was ignorant of the fact that he'd f*cked my wife. I told my best friend about this, and the c*nt is now no longer invited to those games. And he also knows that I know about him, after being in the dark for so long. Just remember, you're better than your wife. You were the one to whom solemn vows actually meant something. She owes you more than she can ever realistically repay. But if you want to stay married to her, you will eventually have to accept her absolute best efforts as repayment enough. You will have to forgive her. And, it goes without saying that you're better than the c*nt. He's a weak, cowardly half-man. Don't count on ever getting an apology from him. But there is nothing in the world wrong with communicating with him -- once -- to vent yourself at him. He deserves it. Either send him a letter, or phone him, or email him. Don't let him get away without knowing that he now has an enemy out there who lives in relatively close proximity, and that from now on he'd better watch his step. Of course, you don't need to actually do him any physical damage (in fact, I advise against it)... but planting a bit of subtle fear in the back of his mind for the foreseeable future would do you a world of good. He doesn't need to know that you're not actually going to kill him -- let him be scared. I don't know if these are rational suggestions, but they're a pretty good summary of how I've felt, having been in Cold's situation. Good luck, mate. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Just remember, you're better than your wife... ... She owes you more than she can ever realistically repay. But if you want to stay married to her, you will eventually have to accept her absolute best efforts as repayment enough. You will have to forgive her. - ReservoirDog This is very true. It is what I would say to VivianLee and Katydid as well. It was certainly how I felt. And it is a strength. Let me repeat, your anger is justified and natural. Most people who have been hurt like you have would be extremely angry. And yes, that other man (let's stick to terms that we all understand on both sides of the Atlantic) does not deserve to be shielded from your anger. Some say that if there were more real consequences for misdeeds like this, they would become fewer. - Sole Mate This also is wise. Yeah, I was well and truly PO'd at the OM, and probably not as much at my wife as the situation would really warrant. But, my reasoning was that if I was really going to try and keep it together with her, then I needed to not get so PO'd that I could never come back from it. So if the vast majority of my rage was left for him, who the f*ck cares? He is a worthless fragment of a human being that deserves nothing good. My personal feeling is that he is not good enough to scrape the mud off of my boots. It is a comfort to me that he and people like him, who do not truly understand or respect what a marriage is about will never be able to enjoy one. I may see the day when it happens to him, because I have been around long enough to see how true it is that "what goes around, comes around". ReservoirDog, SoleMate and VivianLee all have a good understanding and have given some good advice... But really, in addition to what I have read here from Cold is more like a fantasy, if you will. He himself has stated a number of reasons why he knows that he won't actually go through with giving this f*ckstick the beating that he so richly deserves. What guy amongst us here, a victim of the same situation, has not fantasized about it? Even to the point where it felt less like a fantasy and more like "Well, I'm gonna..." ? You all will note that he did not ask if it was OK for him to do this. He said that he wanted to, but would not. His question, as asked, was if anyone else had done it, and how did it feel. Cold, I wanted to, but didn't. I hit the gym. I also ran lots and lots of miles. Trained for a marathon that year. Ironically, it was for the Air Force Marathon. Osama and his crew took care of that marathon with 9-11 (the Air Force decided it had better things to do than host marathons ). I also suffered an injury . But running really helped me out. You already know that the stakes are WAY TOO HIGH to even mess with that prick. Keep your head, and keep to the moral high ground you already occupy. Trust me, it is a far better feeling to occupy that ground. And that good feeling lasts a lot longer than the other. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 So you think that somehow causing pain to others will help you deal with your own pain? How immature. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 As a wife who is still going through the pain of being cheated on, I don't think it is uncommon to want to beat the hell out of the other person. Yes, it was the husband/wife who betrayed your trust, but what about the homewrecking &%$@# who doesn't even care about your home life, you, kids, etc. I'm sick of homewreckers. I know its wrong to physically take care of it, but it helps me to imagine me putting the OW in the ER, but I'd never do it. In fact, I told my husband I was going to make him watch while I did it. Out of rage of course but who just sits there after hearing news like that and says " ok "? I'm seriously considering going to counceling because I still feel like I want to fight her. I think his feelings are just as long as they stay just feelings. But who am I to lecture? I can't say if I didn't see her on the street I wouldn't start something. Humans are HUMANS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdServer Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 Every one who joined in my thread has helped in some way. Mentions in dispatches to Reservoirdog, Solemate & Benedict who each seem to have a good handle on where my head is at. I hope you all have/had happy endings to your problems I'm confident my wife & I will. We've made great progress in a short space of time. There will be black days but she wants to atone, if that's the right phrase, and from what she's shown me so far wants to make it work between us. Thaks to you all, I enjoyed the debate. Oh and Solemate, Yeah he's bigger than me but I am a hungry fighter.... & dirty! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Yeah he's bigger than me but I am a hungry fighter.... & dirty! Doesn't matter anyway. Just get down low, grab his p*cker with a clawed hand and twist violently like you're removing the lid from a jar. I guarantee he'll crumple to the floor, whimpering like the little girl he wishes he was strong enough to be. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Trust me, women think about beating the crap out of the OW too. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Originally posted by brashgal Trust me, women think about beating the crap out of the OW too. I find a huge difference between fantasizing about beating the crap out of someone, and actually planning out how to do it without getting caught, and seeking validation/approval to carry out acts of violence. Link to post Share on other sites
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