Doing what is "right"...

[NoIDidn't]

The "when the kids graduate high school" thinking. Its what my dad and stepmom did, unbeknownst to each other mind you.

 

It happens. And the parents that plan that way aren't thinking of the child's well-being or needs. They are thinking only of CHILD SUPPORT.

 

If the youngest child means as much to him as he says, he'll stay married to his mother until another time.

 

My half-sib is screwed financially. Both parents pass the buck on college expenses, living expenses, and even gifts. Half-sib didn't deserve this at all. Tells me all the time how its now understood what I went through.

 

Anytime a parent is waiting until a child is 18, they are only hoping to avoid paying the other parent child support. And they generally have no intention of giving the child any money either (they are 18 now, remember).

 

Its a pretty lame thing to do to a new adult. Their first lesson in adult life is going to be "screw you" and "I don't have to care for you anymore".

 

Its great. No, really.

[torranceshipman]

Right! Especially ask yourself about his kids. I'm still confused about how raising children stops when they graduate high school. They may be of legal age at 18, but does that mean that MM will no longer raise his children at that point? How sad for the kids. Really sad. IMO, parenting is a life long joy and responsibility. Not a chore that ends after 18 years.

 

So, the last kid will graduate and daddy will leave to be with FA because the kids will no longer care about or need the family unit. Really? Makes no sense. Wouldn't it be easier, and more honorable, to leave now?

 

I agree with this too - 18yrs is a volatile age, and announcing a D (especially if evidence of an A the comes out) is a great recipe for sending the poor kid off the rails. It would be better IMO to leave when they are young and still have a very strong supportive family structure around them, with the MM spending so much time with them that the damage is minimized, and they can come to terms with things in a very supportive environment. If they have to find out when they are going through massive transitions (into adulthood, to college, moving out of home), then it is one of the worst times to drop that particular bombshell as they have to cope on their own so much more.

[donnamaybe]

It is clearly not considered honorable, because he has decided to stay for the kids, whilst having sex with another woman behind their mom's back. It is obvious that this isn't right. This seriously confuses you? A BS is staying because she/he is honoring the marriage vows, and trying their best to forgive, and to keep the family unit together. That action does come with honorable intentions. I can't see why the difference is hard for you to understand.

Sometimes understanding isn't really wanted.

 

Anyway, the poster that you quoted was saying something really nice: that acting with honor when no-one is looking (and when it goes unnoticed) is the real test of character, because the person is doing what is right simply to be a good person, not because they want to look good in front of others. Your MM is lying and cheating to his W and his kids every single time he has sex with you, so clearly he is not acting with honor.

Oh, but he DOES want to look good in front of his OW, thus this business about "it's only for the kids, the kids I tells ya!"

[Mimolicious]

Like I said before...

 

Is doing the "right" thing going to give you the "right" results, at the end?

 

There are many people here that say that nobody "Steals your H, he leaves cause he wants to leave with OW".

[torranceshipman]

Like I said before...

 

Is doing the "right" thing going to give you the "right" results, at the end?

 

There are many people here that say that nobody "Steals your H, he leaves cause he wants to leave with OW".

 

The whole point of doing the right thing isn;t to get personal gain - it is simply an end in itself.

 

It is true that a H can't really be stolen! But in the OPs case he hasn't left because he wants to - he hasn't left, period!

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, SOs can be stolen. Make no mistake about it. Its a part of the temptation and seduction.

 

But in the case of this thread, the MM isn't being stolen as he didn't tell the truth of his R status to begin with. He was looking to creep.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh' date=' SOs can be stolen[/b']. Make no mistake about it. Its a part of the temptation and seduction.

 

I call that kidnapping...

[herenow]

I agree with this too - 18yrs is a volatile age, and announcing a D (especially if evidence of an A the comes out) is a great recipe for sending the poor kid off the rails. It would be better IMO to leave when they are young and still have a very strong supportive family structure around them, with the MM spending so much time with them that the damage is minimized, and they can come to terms with things in a very supportive environment. If they have to find out when they are going through massive transitions (into adulthood, to college, moving out of home), then it is one of the worst times to drop that particular bombshell as they have to cope on their own so much more.

 

Yes, yes, yes!!! I was going to say this as well, but I got a phone call and had to log off for a bit. How horrible to do that to a child who is going through so much change already. IMO, it's cruel. If what FA says about the BW is true, she will most likely take 50% of the blame to protect her kids. That would send the kids to college thinking both their parents have been lying to them. And, they would be right. How is that honorable at all? IMO, the BW should file for divorce if the MM isn't willing to do the right thing.

[herenow]

The "when the kids graduate high school" thinking. Its what my dad and stepmom did, unbeknownst to each other mind you.

 

It happens. And the parents that plan that way aren't thinking of the child's well-being or needs. They are thinking only of CHILD SUPPORT.

 

If the youngest child means as much to him as he says, he'll stay married to his mother until another time.

 

My half-sib is screwed financially. Both parents pass the buck on college expenses, living expenses, and even gifts. Half-sib didn't deserve this at all. Tells me all the time how its now understood what I went through.

 

Anytime a parent is waiting until a child is 18, they are only hoping to avoid paying the other parent child support. And they generally have no intention of giving the child any money either (they are 18 now, remember).

 

Its a pretty lame thing to do to a new adult. Their first lesson in adult life is going to be "screw you" and "I don't have to care for you anymore".

 

Its great. No, really.

 

Interesting perspective. That really sucks if you ask me.

[jwi71]

You know, I like FA. I really do.

 

My greatest fear for her is she ends as the other OW have - left behind. What's more tragic, her kids will know this as well and not just vicariously through FA's suffering - they will suffer as well by virtue of the bond's they have formed with her MM.

 

As to leaving at 18 - I don't think that's so nefarious.

 

I think it has more to do with a mentality that at 18, he's a man (or woman) (legally speaking). That at 18, they go off to college (and the daily interaction ends aka "raising the child"). They are no longer at home and, more or less, "on their own". And perhaps a thinking that as an "adult" they can hear and somehow better handle the truth.

 

What remains to be seen is...at 18, does FA's MM leave or not. And if not, then what? I must admit I do NOT see him leaving for all the excfellent reasons posted above - especially considering he's "always away" to begin with.

 

I must admit to the same line of thinking...when my son hits 18 - I'm outta here. Someplace with mountains. Or a beach. Anywhere but the endless flatness of Texas.

[CrayonAngel]

There is nothing honorable about what he is doing FA...don't kid yourself.

My parents pulled the same **** your mm and his W are pulling and in the end it just left me with the feeling that everything you look at is artificial..everything in life is an act. To come to the realization one day that their father has been living a double life will shake them more than any D. I looked at my father as a coward for a long time. If you really love someone you look out for them in every way...and the consequences of the triangle you have all webbed around the children for the wrong reasons..they will never get over it. believe me. and I'm sorry that I might sound rude but why on earth would you introduce your children to your MM when they know he is M. Now your children will think that its okay...just like you think its okay because your mom was an OW. You deserve better...just sayin..

[ladydesigner]

There is nothing honorable about what he is doing FA...don't kid yourself.

My parents pulled the same **** your mm and his W are pulling and in the end it just left me with the feeling that everything you look at is artificial..everything in life is an act. To come to the realization one day that their father has been living a double life will shake them more than any D. I looked at my father as a coward for a long time. If you really love someone you look out for them in every way...and the consequences of the triangle you have all webbed around the children for the wrong reasons..they will never get over it. believe me. and I'm sorry that I might sound rude but why on earth would you introduce your children to your MM when they know he is M. Now your children will think that its okay...just like you think its okay because your mom was an OW. You deserve better...just sayin..

 

You know you may be onto something here. My mother and father were both M at the time they met each other and left their marriages to be together. My mother has also cheated on my father as well. I often wonder if knowing that made it easier for me to have my own A. Still doesn't make it right. I own my wrong doing but it sort of sets the stage. Great post.

[torranceshipman]

You know you may be onto something here. My mother and father were both M at the time they met each other and left their marriages to be together. My mother has also cheated on my father as well. I often wonder if knowing that made it easier for me to have my own A. Still doesn't make it right. I own my wrong doing but it sort of sets the stage. Great post.

 

I'd agree with this - it is all about poor role models, no boundaries...that kind of thing. And yes, FA's kids being introduced to a MM was really callous. I am sure FA had positive intentions but the MM is blatantly never leaving his W, so must have no conscience to string those kids along. Without a doubt, it will mess up their heads, especially as FA was in an abusive R before, so they've gone from one bad father figure to another. Better to find an honest single guy.

[donnamaybe]

What remains to be seen is...at 18, does FA's MM leave or not. And if not, then what? I must admit I do NOT see him leaving for all the excfellent reasons posted above - especially considering he's "always away" to begin with.

I'm willing to bet that his prior OW gave him an ultimatum - and he chose his W. If one doesn't force a decision, then no decision will ever be made.

 

I predict the M will remain in place. JMO.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think there have been other women, plural. Some before FA and some she asked him to stop seeing or talking to, which he claims to have done. (If memory serves)

[donnamaybe]

I think there have been other women, plural. Some before FA and some she asked him to stop seeing or talking to, which he claims to have done. (If memory serves)

"...which he claims to have done" being the operative phrase.

[kuma]

I don't think my mom did the honorable thing by staying for the kids. My H and I take care of our child everyday. It's nothing to brag about.

[NoIDidn't]

I think there have been other women, plural. Some before FA and some she asked him to stop seeing or talking to, which he claims to have done. (If memory serves)

 

The existence of previous OW with this MM is a two-edged sword. It can be used by the current OW as proof of the M being dead/bad (usually the OW only sees it as the W as dead/bad, but that's another topic). Or, it can be used as proof that the MM is the flawed one in that he keeps cheating. Either way, I think it shows that "he ain't leaving". No matter what he may have said to any of the OWs.

 

These kind seem to only leave when the W gets tired of them and divorces THEM. And curiously enough, they typically drop ALL previous and current OW like bad habits and move on to someone they deem more "respectable". Not my word, just my experience and observation.

 

(A general statement here. General observations made over time)

[alexandria35]

The existence of previous OW with this MM is a two-edged sword. It can be used by the current OW as proof of the M being dead/bad (usually the OW only sees it as the W as dead/bad, but that's another topic). Or, it can be used as proof that the MM is the flawed one in that he keeps cheating.

 

Welll it doesn't have to be on or the other. When a marriage is dead/bad the normal adult way to deal with that is to either address the problems and make the marriage better or leave.

 

These kind seem to only leave when the W gets tired of them and divorces THEM. And curiously enough, they typically drop ALL previous and current OW like bad habits and move on to someone they deem more "respectable". Not my word, just my experience and observation.

 

Yes I have noticed this too. I knew of one OW whose MM dropped her when his wife left him and his parting shot to her was 'I could never be with a woman who would sleep with a married man' Okay so clearly this guy was a delusional hyprocrite but I think this is true of plenty of MM.

[NoIDidn't]

Welll it doesn't have to be on or the other. When a marriage is dead/bad the normal adult way to deal with that is to either address the problems and make the marriage better or leave.

 

I agree it doesn't have to be one or the other, but I disagree that the issue is to fix the marriage or leave. The issue could simply be the problem with the one doing the repeat cheating. That is their issue which impacts their marriage, not that the marriage impacts the cheating.

 

 

Yes I have noticed this too. I knew of one OW whose MM dropped her when his wife left him and his parting shot to her was 'I could never be with a woman who would sleep with a married man' Okay so clearly this guy was a delusional hyprocrite but I think this is true of plenty of MM.

 

I am close to many that have cheated IRL, it seems to be the mantra of many in my own family. The quote above is a classic retort used by them. Its heartless and completely ignores the fact that THEY were the MM and don't have a moral leg to stand on in judgment of their OW.

 

But they do it. And I'm not sure why the OW seem to never see it coming. Weird, either way.

 

In keeping with the topic of this thread though, its interesting that while the cheating is going on the OW often feels that the MM is being honorable. But not after he does what he feels is honorable by not continuing with a woman that would sleep with a MM. I honestly don't get the mentality of the MM in this situation. She stood by him when he was being the lowest of the low, and then he just transfers all his negative acts to her alone.

Edited August 5, 2010 by NoIDidn't