K.Michelle Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Hi. Just wondering if anyone can shed some light on what may be going through my (ex)boyfriend's(?) head. We've been dating for about five months. Last week I brought up our relationship and told him that I needed more. Everything is great with us, except for the time we don't spend together. We see each other an average of once a week. I feel after five months you need to decide where a relationship is going. Well, last night he takes me out to dinner and tells me that he can't give me more and that he is not ready for such a serious commitment. I told him that we would have to end it then because I am ready for more. Not marriage, but at least a direction. I wouldn't be fair to myself if I just gave in and said 'okay, we'll just continue on like we have been'. Okay, so we talked for a long time and we talked again today. He said that he still wants me to go out with him on Valentine's Day because we had previous plans and he likes hanging out with me. What is up with that? I just don't understand. He just wants to hang out as friends on Valentine's Day less than a week after breaking up with me. I am very confused and don't know what to do. I've never written into a forum before, but I thought I could really use some unbiased advice right now. What does he really want? What should I do. I can't turn my feelings on and off that quickly. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 I think you need to stick to your guns on this. It kind of sounds like he's acting as if the two of you haven't broken up -- he's paying lip service to it, of course. Maybe he's hoping you'll soften, and the two of you can go back to the way things were. Regardless of what he's thinking -- and only he knows, so your best bet would be to ask him -- you should do what feels right to you. He hasn't said that he's re-thought things at all, so you have no reason to hope that he has. If he has a change of heart and thinks he can get more serious, he'll tell you. Getting together for Valentine's Day with the guy you just broke up with because he's not ready for a serious relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster. How will the evening end -- barring him confessing undying love and asking you to take him back, could there be an ending that would make you happy? Think about it: he'll make a pass and you'll either give in (which you'll probably regret later), or have to rebuff him (which would be awkward & difficult, to say the least). Or he won't make a pass and you'll spend the rest of the night tossing and turning wondering why not. Given the choices, I think I'd opt for an evening out with the girls, a nice dinner with my parents, or a quiet night with a good book or movie and a few glasses of scotch. My advice: don't do anything unless he's very clear about what he wants, and it matches what you want. Easier said than done, I know, but if you're nurturing hope you're probably just cultivating disappointment. Take him at his word, however much you don't like it. Good luck. And I'm sorry. It sucks to go through a break-up for no good reason except someone's nebulous doubts... Link to post Share on other sites
Author K.Michelle Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 Your so right. As much as I want to spend the day with him (hoping things will work out) I am just setting my self up. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Wow, does your post bring back memories! I went out with that guy! However, in my case it took eight months. Same exact thing: He wanted things to stay as they were and I was at a point where I wanted more. I did what you did and said "No!" and cut him off. Best thing I ever did even though it hurt like hell at the time. If he isn't ready for a relationship or is a commitment phobe, there is literally nothing you can do to change that. It isn't even about you. It's about him. Don't go out with him anymore. Don't give him the time of day. Why should you? You know that you aren't getting what you need. He IS getting what he needs. By seeing him, you only feed into that. There's no reason for you to do that because he likely will not change his mind. He'll keep stringing you along and seeing you and taking up your time, but in the end, nothing may come of it. You definitely don't want to waste your time doing that! What does he want? A casual relationship with no commitments. No matter--that's not what you want, so mooove on. Good luck to you, go out with your friends on V-Day, have a blast, and remember that you did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author K.Michelle Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 Thanks so much! I guess I just needed some encouragement. Life is way to short and precious to be wasting time. Link to post Share on other sites
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