My relationship with a married man.....I just don't know where I stand any more

[jthorne]

Golon, everyone has given you good advice. I'm going to condense it into one sentence, and I'd like you to print it out and put it anywhere and everywhere you can see it:

 

YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOUR OWN.

 

Until you are ready to change YOU, there's not much else we can do to help.

[jthorne]

The above is a great post! So many women have made the mistake (myself included) of believing that they can make a prick stop being a prick, by trying harder, being more attentive, working more, being more loving etc etc....This is a big lie!! A man doesn't respect a woman who allows herself to be abused and manipulated. If you don't treat yourself with respect then nobody is going to respect you, least of all an abusive prick of a man.

Absolutely. Here's the crux of the problem right here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Golon, you are hooked on the way he makes you feel during the "good times" or when you have sex. You are hooked on the validation, and the fact that the validation comes randomly is all the more addictive.

 

Human brains are set up to enjoy random rewards, such as gifts and payouts when gambling. In your case, your brain is totally linked to randomness in a relationship. You are like a gambler waiting for that next win that is always "just about there, it has got to go up sometime." "My luck is due."

 

You are throwing in a ton of energy for that one little fix of "no honey, we really are soulmates." OR "you are beautiful." The fact that this guy is SO withholding also ups the stakes. If he was interested in you and provided you with stability and caring, you would not know what to do with yourself because the reward would always be there, so no BIG payout, but a lot of little ones.

 

You would be like the gambler if the game was changed: If for every dollar was put it, the guy got back $1.10, he would be winning, but after awhile he wouldn't be spending ALL night at the casino hoping for the BIG payout, because the payout would be consistent, he would get bored, maybe works out what his hourly wage would be, and eventually move on to something else more risky to give his brain the same high. Maybe he would stop in a few times a day to get lunch money etc, but the same level of motivation would not be there.

 

You keep waiting for the jackpot, and honey it ain't coming. These guys are no prize to wait for. You need to figure out something different to give yourself some joy and those small little payouts to yourself every day, it is going to feel tough at first because you are not used to it. You need to go and get yourself some flowers, meditate for 5 minutes a day on something positive, get yourself away from him and the computer. Read a book you enjoy, make a friend and go out with them, exercise. Do something to give yourself a little joy instead of waiting for him to give you the joy payout. Give yourself a little joy each day and then his very moods won't govern your joy so much.

 

These feelings are not your friend, do you realize that this thread started in August and it is almost November?

 

You keep waiting for him to give you that joy because somewhere along the line someone told you in some way, at a time when you were impressionable, that you didn't deserve any. You were impressionable and you believed it, your brain wired it in and now look where you are: with someone that rarely gives you any joy.

 

Don't give someone all of your time that only randomly gives you joy, give yourself some joy, become someone who can give joy (because you can't give what you don't have, just ask the credit card collectors that are after me) and then find someone who can give joy back.

 

Look for joy everywhere else and give it to yourself. Don't give your joy to anyone else, until you make damn sure you got enough for yourself :cool:

[2sunny]

Golon are you even reading the responses here? I ask because you just keep posting the same thing over and over again. 'why does he do this?' 'how can he treat me this way?' 'why does he blame me?' 'how can he accuse me and call me patronizing?'

 

IF you start to DO everything different than what you have been doing in the past - you may get a different result than what you've gotten so far.

 

change. don't ALLOW this. that's how YOU stop it all.

 

 

We've all told you why!! Because he can, because you allow it, because he loves himself..not you! Stop asking why he is the way he is, and ask yourself why you are the way you are. Stop analyzing his behavior and start analyzing yours. You are not the victim here, you have an objective and it's to win this guy, even if it means you have to sacrafice all your last shred of self respect. Why is that?

 

you are inflicting the pain on YOURSELF by staying involved with this rat.

 

run! fast!!!! get away from mr. selfish man. THAT ought to change something. stop handing your power over to him = hand it to YOURSELF instead of him!

[Golon]

Hi,

 

Sorry it has been so long since I replied.

 

I think the best thing to do is be totally honest about where I am at-

 

I am falling apart. I keep hoping things will change but no change happens. I keep hoping he will decide he wants me and take action but it never happens. The longer the relationship goes on the more I hope for. I think in most relationships you hope they will grow and develop. I know there is no such thing as a typical relationship but after over a year I think there are things you hope for...

 

I hope after a year with someone that they would want to take a further step- whether that is to live together/see each other more etc. I don't expect marriage or children after a year...but I do hope for the relationship to grow.

 

The relationship I am in can't grow or develop. Not because of me.....because of the choices he makes. I want it to so very much but I can't see how that can happen when one of us isn't fully committed. It doesn't seem to matter what he says as nothing changes. There would be excuses and reasons in any relationship why time would be an issue....but in this case I'm holding on for ever decreasing scraps of time.

 

I think what really scares me is that I do want him and want to believe in him. I do love him....but I can't see where this is going. I tried NC before and failed as I wasn't ready and if I am honest I still don't feel ready. I would break it. I know I would.

 

This is why I feel totally stuck. How can I walk away when all I want is to be with him? I literally don't have the strength to go against how I feel. It is a total nightmare of a situation. When we had a talk recently he said he does want to be with me.....but then I don't see that being made a reality.....so why does he bother?

 

I see he does spend time with me.....but it is borrowed time. It is not time he makes as such....it is free time. What I mean is when his wife is working etc. It is not a choice- he is fitting me in when he has free time. I say I want more time and he just gets cross with me. I am always moaning.....but after over a year I do feel by now he ought to have a pretty good idea what he wants. I could accept 6 months ago when I did NC this was not as easy a call for him.....but now?....

 

I feel I get a lot of criticism for "moaning"....but I am very frustrated. I want the relationship to develop/grow. It is so difficult as I do believe he loves me....but I think it is getting hard to see if I am his soulmate as he claims then why it is that nothing changes. I feel I get blamed a lot.

 

I think what was really telling was when we did chat recently he said he wasn't sure of a future with me. Would it me being nagging all the time. Would I always be miserable. I said that was unfair. I feel I shouldn't have to prove my worth by this stage. The things I have gone through and put up with should show my commitment and he should understand that if I am often very unhappy it is the situation I am living in. I think it hurt as he has always said he wants a future with me and this to me was a big shock.....this uncertainty. I can't quite weigh it up in my head. If someone is your soulmate, you love them, couldn't love anyone else as much etc etc then surely you would be 100% wanting that person? I have concerns for the future but have never once doubted I want it with him.

 

I think what I am asking is what should I do? Everything I feel is that I love him. He really is the person I want to live with and one day have children with. He says he feels the same.....but then you look at the lack of change and see no progress. What would you do if you were me?

[BB07]

 

I think what I am asking is what should I do? Everything I feel is that I love him. He really is the person I want to live with and one day have children with. He says he feels the same.....but then you look at the lack of change and see no progress. What would you do if you were me?

 

I'd get the hell out. You keep talking about what you want, well wanting and getting are two different things and he is clearly not going to give you what you want now or ever. Sorry to be harsh but you are fighting a losing battle here.

Golon.....can't you see this is a no win situation?

[jennie-jennie]

I think what I am asking is what should I do? Everything I feel is that I love him. He really is the person I want to live with and one day have children with. He says he feels the same.....but then you look at the lack of change and see no progress. What would you do if you were me?

 

Obviously I'd stay, since that is what I am doing and have been doing for five years now. But I would also be very aware that the situation might never change, that this might be all I'd ever get.

 

I haven't followed your story, only read your latest post, so I don't know how old you are, if you have kids and so on. That would matter to me. I would hate to see you stay with your MM and eventually miss out on the chance of having kids of your own. (I am middle-age and have kids already. So for me that didn't play a part.)

[whichwayisup]

I think what I am asking is what should I do? Everything I feel is that I love him. He really is the person I want to live with and one day have children with. He says he feels the same.....but then you look at the lack of change and see no progress. What would you do if you were me?

 

1.)You can settle and be with someone who loves you, but not enough to leave, divorce and start a new life with you, accept your role as the OW in his life, make the best of it. Or..

 

2)Realize that things are the way they are, that you deserve a man who can give you ALL of himself, not just bits and pieces on his time frame, end it with him, grieve, and heal.

 

You love him, he loves you, but alot of the time that isn't enough glue, what you two have shared isn't enough for him to leave his family, the life he knows now.

 

I hope you find peace with a decision soon, otherwise your self esteem and unhappiness might get worse. Being in limbo and not knowing what the future holds is unsettling.

 

Good luck.

[jj33]

Golon the acid test of any relationship is does it make you happier being in it than it would if you werent in it.

 

You say "I am falling apart". That doesnt sound very good.

 

You are waiting and waiting for something that you know isnt going to happen or that isnt going to happen anytime soon.

 

And from what you say, you arent happy about it. Falling apart is not a great place to be.

 

Most everyone who has been in your shoes understands that you want him to have more time to spend with you, you love him and dont want anyone else. Thats obvious.

 

Problem is, that is not your reality. The reality is, he loves spending time with you, when he can, but hes not going to change things (so far as you know) and the little bits of time that he has for you arent enough to make you happy.

 

Ask yourself this. If he were single and you felt this way, would you end the relationship?

 

If so,then you have your answer.

 

Only you know whether getting less than you want is better than not being with him at all.

 

Its hard to say what I would do because I dont know you.

 

But if I felt I were falling apart being in it, I would have to get out.I couldnt let a relatoinshp tear me apart. I guess I have made that decision as I have rebuffed xMMs attempts to rekindle the A because I dont have a lifestyle anymore that allows me to spend sufficient time with him during the week so that I would be happy with the relationship or to participate in his life during the week the way I did before. And the thought of going back to less than we had was just not an option for me.

 

And bottom line he isnt willing to alter his life to be with me.

[jj33]

I just noticed you said one day have children with - if you want children then you are taking a big risk being with someone who is showing no signs of leaving. Think long and hard about that decision.

 

You dont want to look back in years to come and say I wasted time when I could have been meeting someone with whom I could have had a family.

 

You need to really think hard about the choices you are making and not put your life on hold while you wait and hope that things will change.