My relationship with a married man.....I just don't know where I stand any more

[fooled once]

Golon........didn't you read the prior responses?

 

People gave you great advice. It all boils down to you accepting the crumbs he offers you and realizing that words don't mean squat. ACTIONS are what counts! He can talk till the moon is blue about what he wants and what his intentions are, but until he actually does something it doesn't mean anything. All he is doing is talking......giving you excuses and talking about how difficult his life is and why he can't do anything different. (lets bring out the violins and play a sad song) Don't you see it?........it's BS! You are sitting around waiting on him, letting him call the shots, taking the crumbs he offers. It's all up to him, and you are giving him control.

 

Don't live your life waiting on dreams.......it's like falling off a cliff when you are forced to accept the REALITY and it hurts more and the fall is harder the longer you live in a dream world. Believe me I know.

 

Exactly.

 

Sorry, but you are not going to leave him, he is going to continue to string you along, keep you in line and continue to feed you crap. you are going to continue to think he loves you (I don't believe he does) and you will sit and wait and wait and wait and wait and then before you know it, you will be past child bearing times (If I remember correctly, he is trying to get his WIFE pregnant, NOT you) and you will end up old and alone, continuing to wait for him.....

 

So accept it and honestly, stop whining about it. You don't want advise -- you want everyone to cheer you on, tell you he is one day going to leave and just hang in there.

 

At least OWN it and stop this game of "he loves me, but he just can't leave right now. But one day, we are going to be married and have babies...just not right now and I need to be patient because HE SAID he loves me and wants me...but I just need to be patient. I love him soooo much and I just can't not be with him; even though he yells at me, tells me I need to stop nagging and to just chill out while he continues IVF with his wife".

 

Enough of the fairy tale okay? OWN what you have - an affair - and that you are just going to hang in there until......

[Golon]

Hi,

 

I haven't posted for a bit.

 

Well, despite being told how important I am....soulmate etc....things are no better.

 

This weekend he spent with his W. I was desperate to see him...but he said he couldn't.

 

I challenged this and got told (I've cut it down a bit) that it is not that easy for him and in the early days of our relationship we did see each other more but this caused lots of fighting, arguments and so on at home and his W suspects something now. Also he says he is busy with work too. I have been told not to be hurt if he says he can't see me or see me for long. He claims he does still want to see me.

 

This has left me utterly distraught. I was already gutted this weekend but this has left me so upset.

 

What have I got left? If someone says they want to be with you in the long run is this really what they say to you? I pointed out I felt second best and of course this was met badly with "I was just trying to explain the situation" I don't know why I bother and how I ask the same stuff all time time type response.

 

I do love him and want to be with him but I can't balance out the two...the person who over the weekend sent lovely messages about how special I am and important etc and now this.

[2sunny]

Hi,

 

I haven't posted for a bit.

 

Well, despite being told how important I am....soulmate etc....things are no better.

 

This weekend he spent with his W. I was desperate to see him...but he said he couldn't.

 

I challenged this and got told (I've cut it down a bit) that it is not that easy for him and in the early days of our relationship we did see each other more but this caused lots of fighting, arguments and so on at home and his W suspects something now. Also he says he is busy with work too. I have been told not to be hurt if he says he can't see me or see me for long. He claims he does still want to see me.

 

This has left me utterly distraught. I was already gutted this weekend but this has left me so upset.

 

What have I got left? If someone says they want to be with you in the long run is this really what they say to you? I pointed out I felt second best and of course this was met badly with "I was just trying to explain the situation" I don't know why I bother and how I ask the same stuff all time time type response.

 

I do love him and want to be with him but I can't balance out the two...the person who over the weekend sent lovely messages about how special I am and important etc and now this.

 

he CAN'T - and WON'T do this the way it works for YOU. he does it the way it WORKS for HIM.

 

he's being specific about YOU not being HIS priority... are you listening to him? his actions also allow you to understand you are his afterthought. his W comes first.

 

take it or leave it - what's it gonna be?

 

 

i'll give you a clue = when you push him too much - he will get rid of you... do yourself well... get rid of him first and find an available man that will treat you with respect and have YOU as HIS priority.

[2sunny]

you do know where you stand. don't deny your truth. you spelled out exactly where you stand... way down the line of his priorities.

 

are you willing to allow it to continue on and on - cuz you will just get more of the same if you do...

 

what do you plan to do about this?

[BB07]

Hi,

 

I haven't posted for a bit.

 

Well, despite being told how important I am....soulmate etc....things are no better.

 

This weekend he spent with his W. I was desperate to see him...but he said he couldn't.

 

I challenged this and got told (I've cut it down a bit) that it is not that easy for him and in the early days of our relationship we did see each other more but this caused lots of fighting, arguments and so on at home and his W suspects something now. Also he says he is busy with work too. I have been told not to be hurt if he says he can't see me or see me for long. He claims he does still want to see me.

 

This has left me utterly distraught. I was already gutted this weekend but this has left me so upset.

 

What have I got left? If someone says they want to be with you in the long run is this really what they say to you? I pointed out I felt second best and of course this was met badly with "I was just trying to explain the situation" I don't know why I bother and how I ask the same stuff all time time type response.

 

I do love him and want to be with him but I can't balance out the two...the person who over the weekend sent lovely messages about how special I am and important etc and now this.

 

His reasons and/or excuses, it doesn't matter which it is. What matters is you are very unhappy and hurting by this. You need to realize and accept that you can not change what he does or even why he does it, and no amount of nagging, crying, or being hurt is going to change HIM. You have control over YOU, just you and you don't have to take his crap and make no mistake it is crap. He wants it when he wants it and how he wants it. That is not the way it is supposed to work. See him for the selfish jerk he is.

It's your choice hon.

[jj33]

Its your choice to wait. Waiting is NEVER a good idea. I remember someone who was on here who was told she would have to wait 7 years. And she was waiting...

 

If you were happy it would be one thing but you arent.

 

So you have 3 choices:

 

1. You accept it for what it is when he can see you and you stop getting upset that it isnt what you want it to be

 

2. You end it because your needs arent being met

 

3. Stay with it as it is and keep being miserable.

 

If you cant leave because you fear he will think youve given up and will not come to you then you dont have faith in what he is saying.

 

You cant force someone out of their marriage. It has to come from them.

 

I know its painful but staying and being miserable is no way to live.

 

ENding it is painful but not as painful as being in it and not being satisfied with the relationship

[siuys]

Golon, sorry you're hurting. I have read everyone's advice and I agree with all. You need to leave. This guy is not serious and is feeding you crap. How it is hard for HIM to see you? Gets snappy? Give me a break. Walk away now. At least take two weeks off and do not see him. Go away somewhere. Clear your head. You are too much in it to see it clearly it seems. You need space. At least try that if nothing else. Don't continue to put up with crap from this man. Good luck.

[newstart43]

That he gets 'snappy' with you is the red flag here. This man wants to pacify you to do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants it.

I really think you're being taken for a ride, and I hope not for your heart, but it sure looks that way.

Now I'm steaming wondering if I'm being taken for a ride too.

[jj33]

News its so much easier to see when its written about someone else

 

But if you are getting the same red flags pay attention. Yes its stressful for the person doing the weaving and bobbing lying and cheating but hey thats their choice right?

 

And just wait - until what? Until we have world peace and have cured cancer? theres a 50% divorce rate. If someone wants out, they can usually get out.

[Pink_orchid]

Hello again! Comparing what you originally wrote in your first lots of posts (in your old life on here!) you were low then but your spirits seem to have dropped even further... Sorry for your hurt.

 

See what this man has done to you?? Or rather what you are letting him do?? He is backtracking furiously now by making excuses not to see you and giving you reasons why he can't leave. He's not going anywhere and it's getting on his nerves you keep asking him (not saying I blame you, I did that too and why wouldn't you). But my point is it's getting too much for him, he just wanted his cake and eat it, fun, and not all this hassle..! From his point of view, not mine!! Bit of a pig yes!! Led you on and then bottled it, classic married man having no spine just a mid-life crisis and trouble keeping his d*** in his trousers. I don't doubt he really liked you at first, but he's too chicken to do anything about it long term. He's not the only pebble on the beach though is he? I know it's hard but try meeting new (available) men, you'll find one you like eventually.

[inorderto]

I also think this man is too chicken to do anything different. His wife is trying IVF to have a child? You should take the initiative and make the decision for him - while you are having hot sex with him, try to not use any protection to get pregnant. This will solve problem for both of you.

 

You will still be brutally hurt even if you leave now since you are in love and have sex with him. Having a child will finish the 'process' for you and may force him to leave his wife (or the wife will leave herself) and put you in the upper hand of the relationship with him.

[Angel1111]

Instead of sitting around and letting him make all the decisions and feeling like the victim here, why don't you take a different direction? Why don't YOU make a decision that works for YOU? 'Because I love him' isn't a good enough reason to continue doing this to yourself, or allowing him to do it to you.

 

What you need to do is let him know, in a very calm manner, that despite how much you care for him, this situation is not working for you. Let him know that you care too much for your own well-being to go through this and that when or if he leaves his marriage, he's welcome to contact you. In the meantime, you're requesting that he leave you alone. Then you can walk away feeling empowered and in control of your own life instead of letting him pull the strings and hurt you. And if you do tell him that, do not let him back into your life under any circumstances - or you'll just go right back to being the OW. But before you even consider doing this, you need to find your strength and be willing to do what your say. If you let him back in, you'll regret it.

 

Your other option is to continue down this path that you're on. Neither of the options are great, but one of them will allow you to stop acting and feeling like a victim. Your choice.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Angel1111

[jthorne]

Golon,

Please go re-read that post in your old thread from who you thought might be your MM.

 

It's pretty much all you need to know.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I also think this man is too chicken to do anything different. His wife is trying IVF to have a child? You should take the initiative and make the decision for him - while you are having hot sex with him, try to not use any protection to get pregnant. This will solve problem for both of you.

 

You will still be brutally hurt even if you leave now since you are in love and have sex with him. Having a child will finish the 'process' for you and may force him to leave his wife (or the wife will leave herself) and put you in the upper hand of the relationship with him.

 

Wow! As scummy as this man's actions are, trapping him with a child would be about as low as it gets.

[September]

I remember wanting so badly to be with my xMM. He had set a date in his mind to leave but me being impatient, I would often add some pressure for him to leave earlier and this would sometimes cause some small issues for us. There was always an excuse as to why he couldn't leave earlier. In his mind, he had chosen a date to leave and there wasn't anything I could do to change it.

 

After D-Day (both of us were caught within a month of each other), he chose to get his own apartment and we started life as a couple - in bliss (or so I thought ) After 6 weeks he changed his mind, up and ran home, throwing me under the bus like I didn't even exist. Had D-day not happened, I question now, if he would have ever left or if there would have been more excuses.

 

What concerns me is that you are being controlled by him with his indecision. Even if it gets to the point of him leaving to be with you, he will highly likely end up returning home. It's cruel being dragged along by them when they don't know who they want to be with and it can only get worse the longer it is played out.

 

What I am saying is, that even though you are also desperate for him to be with you who knows what may happen if he does ever leave (or gets caught)

A lot of these MM have grandiose visions but when the s**t hits the fan, they cannot deal with reality.

[Golon]

Thank you for all the responses. I read each one carefully and do appreciate the advice. Many make the point that as I am in the situation I don't see the situation. That is very true. I would not consider getting pregnant. We use condoms. I did go to my GP to be put on the pill but he didn't like the idea and so we carried on with the previous method. It was my way of showing how special he is to me but he didn't see it that way. At the time it hurt a lot. I am aware that I seem to be reaching breaking point. I really love my MM but the last few days have been hell, been told that I am his soulmate/everything to him, then not seen him all weekend as he is with his wife, then back to snappy/ I don't understand/ he tries his best/ work is tough right now and I am not understanding, then back to I am everything/ precious/ loves me so much back to last night where I am told I am too demanding, he has a lot on, I ought to be more supportive. I failed NC and feel that I need to take a more gradual path so yesterday I wrote a list of six small steps I am going to take over the next few weeks which I will add to once I can say that I am capable of some of the steps. I tried and failed at NC due to lack of resolve and have decided to change gradually-1 see a friend at least once a week and stick to it and do something nice,2 exercIse like swim once a week, 3 every day do something small for me or someone else, like do my nails or get a friend a gift, but nothing for him.(No more fussing over him and his needs in other words) 4 Do not chase him at work,5 not to show him any visible signs of upset so not to cry and let him see me cry and lastly 6 not ask to see him, let him do the asking.

I am hoping this will help me gain emotional control a bit more and strength and also begin to regain my life so it is about me and not all about him. It is small steps and once I feel stronger I hope to take bigger steps. This past five days have been hell and I need to rebuild. I do wish I had the strength some of you have, but I feel this is worth a try. I hope you don't all see me as weak. Today I arranged an outing with a mate, didn't consult him on his plans and rang up for swimming times. I am trying.

[Angel1111]

That's a great plan, Golon, and I think it's good that you're aware of your own limitations. And, btw, you should never, ever consult with him about your plans. That's just totally ridiculous. He has no say over what you do, no buy-in, and don't ever let him think he does. You might want to add to your list -- find another job. I'm afraid that as long as you're there with him, this affair will be prolonged.

 

My xMM is the owner of the company I work for but he does live in another city that's several hrs away. Still, this connection through the company made it extremely hard to disconnect from him; not to mention the power I perceived that he had over me. Finally, I got sick of the whole thing and 'nicely' chewed him out about the whole situation and said that we just need to leave one another alone. He tries to do things to get my attention, or calls me but I'm in a very different place now. He lost his opportunity to be with me and I'm now turned off by him. I never wanted to feel that way about him because there was a time when I considered him my best friend. But it was necessary for me to get in that place because it has allowed me to not give a fig about what he thinks or does.

[sagitarrius]

your story sounds like dejavu to me ! He told me the exact same thing urs is telling u. "he wishes he met me first", "Hes gonna leave her for me", "give it time", Well be together soon", bla,bla,blah. All lies!! thats wut they do is lie to get wut they want ,just a piece of ass. Thats all i was to him.To them were just another piece of ass and if we dont give it to them theyll go somewhere else and get it.We are always replaceable to them because we're not the ones with the ring on our fingers.

 

well i got pregnant by him and hes still with his wife. I confessed to her about everything that happened and she stayed with him ne ways! He cut me off. But not before i got child support on his ass!!

 

sweety,i know how bad it hurts but you gotta let him go. i know how much u love him and feel like u wanna crawl under a rock and die,but trust me {ive been in your shoes} life goes on and i promise you will be happy again one day.

 

p.S. itll be easier to get over him if you find you a male friend;)

[awkward]

That probably was your MM who posted in your thread.

 

I know you want him to be the man you deserve, but I don't think he can be. This relationship is hurting you and has been for a long time.

 

If you still have the chance to move back into that old house, you should do it. Get a fresh start. Give yourself time.

 

You are a good person. You will be ok. Love yourself. Please check in and let us know how you are.

[Golon]

Things just aren't getting easier. I am struggling to cope when I don't see him as I miss him so much. I get stressed out and failed totally the other day by getting upset and crying. I feel so frustrated as I miss him when we don't meet in the evenings or weekends. I know he has work to do but a few hours would mean a lot to me. I think the thing which I question is why? Why doesn't he want to find those valuable few hours? It isn't like I am asking for a day out or weekend away, just some time together. I am told I am loved and needed but then I don't see him and end up feeling not needed. I have lots of work on too but make the time. I just wish he would be how he used to be, making time for me.

[jj33]

I know its painful, but its no different than any other relationship.

 

What if he were single? If he were a single guy and he suddenly stopped making time for you, what would you do?

 

Would you hang in there because you thought he would change his priorities?

 

Im not sure why but people often make more excuses for an MM than they would for a single guy.

 

They say oh he isnt making me a priority but that is because he needs time to see that what we have is so special that he needs to rearrange his priorities.

 

Just as the marital obligations prohibit an MM from doing certain things he would like to do for the OW, and sometimes is used as an excuse, the OW sometimes uses the marriage as a reason to "hang on" when the MM isnt fulfilling her needs.

 

If a single guy treated you badly you would end it right?

 

But I think there is a tendency to say well a single guy has no excuse for not putting us first, he has free choice. An MM WOULD put me first if it werent for the marriage. If only hed met me first, or if only he would leave, things would be different.

 

I think that is a mistake. If you are wanting more and not getting it, then you need to think again. He has the power to change his life. He isnt exercising it. Really that is all you need to know.

[BB07]

I know its painful, but its no different than any other relationship.

 

What if he were single? If he were a single guy and he suddenly stopped making time for you, what would you do?

 

Would you hang in there because you thought he would change his priorities?

 

Im not sure why but people often make more excuses for an MM than they would for a single guy.

 

They say oh he isnt making me a priority but that is because he needs time to see that what we have is so special that he needs to rearrange his priorities.

 

Just as the marital obligations prohibit an MM from doing certain things he would like to do for the OW, and sometimes is used as an excuse, the OW sometimes uses the marriage as a reason to "hang on" when the MM isnt fulfilling her needs.

 

If a single guy treated you badly you would end it right?

 

But I think there is a tendency to say well a single guy has no excuse for not putting us first, he has free choice. An MM WOULD put me first if it werent for the marriage. If only hed met me first, or if only he would leave, things would be different.

 

I think that is a mistake. If you are wanting more and not getting it, then you need to think again. He has the power to change his life. He isnt exercising it. Really that is all you need to know.

 

Golon, read and re-read JJ's post, there is so much wisdom in it.

 

Please stop accepting the crumbs he is giving you, and stop believing the excuses about why he can't do this or that. As long as he stays married it will always be that way, accept that as your truth and then decide that it's not enough, (you already know it's not, just believe it) and then you will decide enough is enough and get your self back.

Hugs.......

[awkward]

I'm sorry that you are still hurting. The answer to your question is because he isn't capable of providing you with what you need.

 

I wish you would reconsider moving back to your old house. You seem to be hurting more and more as time goes on.

[Pink_orchid]

I wish you could get annoyed at him, but you still think he's the best thing since sliced bread! I am getting angry with him (your MM) and I don't even know him! I don't know why he's back tracking, like I think I may have said to you before, no doubt he liked you in the beginning, and more than likely still does, but it's just easier to stay where he is. When you think about it, it's weak and cowardly, to chase a woman, be can't-get-enough-of-her and then let her down and hurt her.

 

I am not bashing you over the head here because I too am still silly over a man that is for whatever reason not with me despite his pursuit of me and the intensity of it all, he is not with me now. That's what I keep telling myself, he is not with me now, so he doesn't deserve me. However the heart rules the head sometimes for a long time. I texted him tonight asking how he was. No reply. Although the other day he responded to something I'd put online. So there you go, same old same old, which is sadly what you're getting. OOH they annoy me!! Decent girls like us, damn them for making us feel this way. I think it's like trying to break an addiction.

 

Do you know what's keeping me going; there are lots of single men out there, good looking, nice loyal ones who don't flip flop around, or lie, cheat and who keep their promises and don't backtrack. You never know who you could meet or where. I know it takes time and you don't want to hear move on, move on, forget him... I do know that, but if anything, getting a new man in your life might change how you feel about MP (married prat!!). It COULD also make MM jealous. For instance, and I know this is a bad example, but when I first met my married guy, I had something going with someone else and I had eyes for no-one else but the guy I was involved with, but then, out of the blue one day I met HIM, ok as I said he was married, but it just goes to show that life is full of surprises. Keep smiling, keep positive. x

[2sunny]

Things just aren't getting easier. I am struggling to cope when I don't see him as I miss him so much. I get stressed out and failed totally the other day by getting upset and crying. I feel so frustrated as I miss him when we don't meet in the evenings or weekends. I know he has work to do but a few hours would mean a lot to me. I think the thing which I question is why? Why doesn't he want to find those valuable few hours? It isn't like I am asking for a day out or weekend away, just some time together. I am told I am loved and needed but then I don't see him and end up feeling not needed. I have lots of work on too but make the time. I just wish he would be how he used to be, making time for me.

 

this is a lot of prompts for you to understand that he is unwilling to take action to fulfill your basic needs and wants. he can't. he is taken.

 

you can control what you do - a change may give you just what you need. you do have control over what you do or don't do.

 

if you change things for you - it may allow you to become happier!