Whining Step child

[Desperatestepmom]

I am newly married going on 6 months. I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship and my husband has a 7 year old son from his previous marriage. I was a single mother for the the 6 years of my daughters life. I am also originally from the Islands and come from a very discipline background. My mother used to whoop my behind and I was kept in line so well that all it took was one luck. I consequently has been able to raise my daughter in somewhat the same fashion, while I don't spank her, I am very stern and she understands the boundaries. She doesn't whine and understand no the first time. I never experienced the terrible two or the embarrassing public outburst. She is not perfect but very disciplined to the point that she points out other kids misbehaving. She has been able to identify that each action has consequence. Additionally she is very independent. She doesn't call my name every minute and doesn't need to be under me every second as a matter of fact she enjoys her me time as she calls it. This is what I am accustomed to. I do not like whining and do not have a very high tolerance for whining kids and kids who can't understand no and accept it gracefully, I know kids will be kids but there is a limit. This brings me to my stepson, again he is 7, I truly love him and while I enjoy having him around, he doesn't say much exceot when he is whining or calling his dads name, I am starting to get irked by him being around because of the whining and the tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I have had discussions with my husband about his behavior but I get, I need to be patient. He has been through a lot with their divorce. I get that but that is no excuse. My daughter has been through alot. Her dad and I argued alot and he was very vulgar in front of her and she didn't see him that often. I am not a fan of making excuses for kids who have been through alot, life is hard, we need to start teaching them to be able to adjust to circumstances. He is whining as I sit here and type this, he just stomped upstairs crying. I need help before I go crazy.

[linwood]

Continue as you are.

 

He`ll eventually learn that his behavior isn`t going to get him what he wants and he will alter his behavior.

 

However if your husband isn`t onboard with this you`ll continue to have a difficult time.

 

The reason he still believes he can manipulate you in this manner is because it works on his father.

 

If his father continues you have to decide if you can live with it or not and act accordingly.

 

I don`t think there are any other choices.

 

Sorry.

[califnan]

He is only seven years old .. And he probably has been through a lot .. I don't know if he misses his mother, but fortuneatly your husband is on the right track with being patient with this little boy.

 

Let your husband take charge of his son.

[lolapalooza]

Desperate,

I was raised a lot like you, and I raise my daughters likewise. There is no way I would tolerate that kind of behavior. I wouldn't care what he does with his mother, but if he was with me, he would obey my rules. Did your husband allow his child to act that way when he was married to his mother? I imagine this whining is not new behavior, it has been allowed for a long time. I would suggest speaking with your husband again. Tell him that when the boy whines, you two are going to tell him to stop. Set up a timeline that the step child is allowed to adjust. After that time, you two are a team on disciplining that behavior is it continues. Sorry, but I do not believe in passive parenting, just waiting for behavior to change. In my experience, if it is not nipped in the bud, it will only get worse.

 

I do not think that children should be pitted against one another. However, I think your daughter should continue to demonstrate her good behavior as a role model to the step-child as to what is expected of him in your household.

 

Do not wait. Do something now. You have been married a short time, and the child is trying to see what he can get away with. Set the expectations now as to how he is to behave in your home.

[califnan]

This seven year old child did not enlist. Bootcamp is out of order here.

[Bitterman24/7]

He is only seven years old .. And he probably has been through a lot .. I don't know if he misses his mother, but fortuneatly your husband is on the right track with being patient with this little boy.

 

Let your husband take charge of his son.

 

Thats what I am thinking. The kid probably misses his mother. If she thinks he's going to stop whining any time soon, her best bet is to just divorce.

 

I see a potential major problem already.

[pureinheart]

He is only seven years old .. And he probably has been through a lot .. I don't know if he misses his mother, but fortuneatly your husband is on the right track with being patient with this little boy.

 

Let your husband take charge of his son.

 

OP, is he living with you two permanently? I was 7 when my parents D'ed...I remember being angry prior to that.

 

The only thing I know to say is to get councelling...my parents thought, I thought that all could survive all of the turmoil faced due to "lifes happenings"...we may not show the effects right away, but they do surface at some point.

 

My suggestion would be to ignore it and let H take care of it, if the situation is too bad then I'd say walk...this kid has been through way too much too soon...

[Eve]

My Husbands boy was a bit like how you describe. Ignoring the behaviour worked for him. We just told him we would only respond to his proper voice.

 

Kids usually only carry things on if there is a pay off. The danger is that he may already have a pattern that eventually gets him what he wants, so ignoring him may be the only option for you guys.

 

All the best with things,

Take care,

Eve xx

[quankanne]

Ignoring the behaviour worked for him. We just told him we would only respond to his proper voice.

 

this, along with lola's advice is what I'd also recommend. Children naturally respond to authority, the key is to temper that authority with much love and respect.

 

last month, I went to stay with a friend from high school, who has a 6 yoa son and 3 yoa daughter. Her little guy is the sweetest ever ... but tends to be a bit whiny and cries when someone "hurts" his feelings. At one point, I told him I couldn't understand what he was saying when he was crying, that he needed to calm down enough so I could help. Worked like a charm every time, because I think it helped him to see that in order to be understood and not get even MORE fussed at, he had to be able to communicate more effectively.

[lolapalooza]

Ignoring the behaviour worked for him. We just told him we would only respond to his proper voice.

 

this, along with lola's advice is what I'd also recommend. Children naturally respond to authority, the key is to temper that authority with much love and respect.

 

last month, I went to stay with a friend from high school, who has a 6 yoa son and 3 yoa daughter. Her little guy is the sweetest ever ... but tends to be a bit whiny and cries when someone "hurts" his feelings. At one point, I told him I couldn't understand what he was saying when he was crying, that he needed to calm down enough so I could help. Worked like a charm every time, because I think it helped him to see that in order to be understood and not get even MORE fussed at, he had to be able to communicate more effectively.

This is excellent. Much more along the lines of what I was thinking. I don't see what is "boot camp" about telling a child that their behavior is not tolerated. If that solves the problem like it did for you, that's wonderful. If it does not, then ignoring the child hoping the behavior will go away would be the worst thing to do, I think. Children do need rules and boundaries, starting at an early age.

 

So please, for all of you "anti-bootcampers" out there, rephrase. Tell the child that whining in your home is not acceptable. You will be happy to talk with them when they speak appropriately. Appropriate behavior is encouraged and acknowledged. If the whining continues, then the parents agree together that other measures are taken.

 

A good parent does not accept the good and ignore the bad. They acknowledge the good and address the bad. Ignoring bad behavior makes self-important and self-entitled youngsters in my opinion.

Edited August 8, 2010 by lolapalooza