How do we know?

[wheelwright]

If we have been the victims of childhood abuse, some of it emotional, how do we know as adults whether our partner is really abusing us or if we are just having an over the top response due to unresolved issues?

 

I read it's about learning to self-reference. But the 'self' in question doesn't have the right kit to begin self-referencing, right?

 

I'm thinking if the behaviour shows a lack of respect, attacks the person's self-esteem, and is repeated over a period of time, this would be emotional abuse.

 

Or is everyone like this?

 

I wonder if in some situations, what attacks someone's self-esteem isn't judged like that by the abuser, or their family. Like a culture gap.

 

Like it's OK to laugh at female inadequacies (or male) because that's what the cultural background of the person says is OK.

 

All couples have a culture gap.

 

So how do we tell?

 

Like, you're rubbish (EA) but it's OK to say and think that about you. We all do that in my family.

 

Does anyone understand this question?

Edited August 3, 2010 by wheelwright
extra blah blah

[sugarmomma]

If we have been the victims of childhood abuse, some of it emotional, how do we know as adults whether our partner is really abusing us or if we are just having an over the top response due to unresolved issues?

 

 

For me its been a matter of determining what my boundaries are whether emotional, psychological, physical, spiritual etc. Once I determined what my deal breakers/unacceptable behaviors from other were I was able to determine when someone is crossing a line. For example, I don't allow people to raise their voice at me or curse at me. Those actions are the beginning of the abuse cycle. I was abused as a young adult because I was never taught to enforce boundaries with other people. Also you should do some google searches online about what constitutes the different kinds of abuse. I think that will help you as well.

 

Best wishes.

[Sophia8]

 

I'm thinking if the behaviour shows a lack of respect, attacks the person's self-esteem, and is repeated over a period of time, this would be emotional abuse

 

To me this would be a form of emotional abuse too. You are right there are "culture gaps" in relationships, peoples perceptions of acceptable behaviour varies. That's why if I was unsure of that persons intentions, I would make them aware of how, say laughing at females inadequacies, makes me feel as they may not be aware that they are doing anything wrong. If the said behaviour then continued or worsened then my suspicions would be confirmed and I would take action from there.

[silvertrumpet]

I agree with what both the other posters have written. I only recently began to consider boundaries myself. Once I did I realised that not only was behaviour that I was tolerating unacceptable but it also became quite easy to look at myself and realise that some of the ways I was acting (and I'm appalled to say still do) were unacceptable.

 

Now I can state (often respectfully:0)) when I think my boundaries are being trampled.

[jimrich]

If we have been the victims of childhood abuse, some of it emotional, how do we know as adults whether our partner is really abusing us or if we are just having an over the top response due to unresolved issues?

.... I always knew but had no idea what to do about it or assumed I deserved to be abused some more. Recovery and therapy changed all that!

 

I read it's about learning to self-reference. But the 'self' in question doesn't have the right kit to begin self-referencing, right?

.... Wrong! Self reference may mean that you trust your self to recognize abusive behavior and maybe do something about it.

 

I'm thinking if the behaviour shows a lack of respect, attacks the person's self-esteem, and is repeated over a period of time, this would be emotional abuse. Or is everyone like this?

..... Just those who believe they have the right to do that stuff to others.

 

I wonder if in some situations, what attacks someone's self-esteem isn't judged like that by the abuser, or their family. Like a culture gap.

..... It seems that certain cultures accept what other cultures might label abusive so it comes down to what an individual believes is abuse.

 

Like it's OK to laugh at female inadequacies (or male) because that's what the cultural background of the person says is OK.

... Yes, that is what is sometimes called Enculturization where we are taught and trained to use and do what our culture requires of us.

 

All couples have a culture gap.

.... Maybe but 'all' is a pretty vast term. How about 'some' or 'most'?

 

So how do we tell?

... I pretty much know what is abusive for me through 'self-reference'.

 

Like, you're rubbish (EA) but it's OK to say and think that about you. We all do that in my family.

... If that is 'normal' in your family and doesn't feel painful or damaging to you, then it's not abuse - just a mutually accepted family trait.

 

Does anyone understand this question?

... Do you?