Been Reading, Now Wondering

[You Go Girl]

Her behavior has nothing to do with "wanting other men". You have been married to a faithful wife. Don't even go there.

She may indeed feel good that men look at her after losing 120 lbs.! That's not the same as "wanting" them. It's a chance to feel like a normal, attractive person, after having been so grossly overweight and feeling like a freak, while her H was yanking to porn. Her self-esteem may have risen a little after being a big fat zero. That doesn't mean she has suddenly become shallow too.

Your W is acting like she is because she still loves you, and it hurts, but she can't trust you. It is very painful to break up when you still love someone.

I suppose my H did the best thing he could for me. Told me to go, to stop hanging around.

Maybe you should do the same. Stop sleeping in the same bed, it's creepy if you are going through a divorce. Stop the normalcy. Stop discussing the things that married couples do. You can't be a married couple going through a divorce that acts as if everything is ok except sex is taboo.

Sever a few more activities that are marriage related. This slow weaning process the two of you are doing is just going to prolong the real pain from surfacing.

[PhiloDog]

I tried sleeping on the couch--she said she didn't want me on the couch because it's not the best sleep. I even laid down and started going to sleep and she came out of the bedroom and asked me to just sleep in the bed.

 

I know the slow weaning process is just prolonging the inevitable, but financially staying here until I find out about the bar exam just makes sense. If I didn't pass, I know to look elsewhere for jobs--the only reason why I took the bar exam in this state is because she has school here.

 

At any rate, she is the one initiating the conversations/activities. I actually haven't because I don't want to push anything with her. I love her and I want what is best for her-and i've realized unfortunately, that's not me.

 

I've recently lost 20 or so pounds because of the depression and I've started working out instead of dwelling on things. She asked if it was because I wanted to start dating right away. I told her the truth--that I've never been interested in a relationship with anyone else, but her. I know the porn thing has eroded all trust, but I can't change what happened; I can only change the present, which does not include her heart. I've finally come to terms with that.

 

When I refer to her feeling guilty, I know she's faithful--I just know with her strong christian background, she feels guilty about some of the emailing/meeting other men. I asked her directly about a day I know she was with a guy she had feeling for 3 years ago that she met up with one day--I know for a fact (sister showed me her emails to her) and she lied about it. That tells me she feels guilty. I'd like to tell her it's okay, but i don't think i should broach that subject with her.

[PhiloDog]

Okay, well she came back from her parents and we're still living in the same place because I'm still waiting to find out about the bar exam.

 

I told her last week that I can either stay here and we can work on things or I'm moving out after I find out about the bar exam and I never want to see/talk to her again except to wrap things up. She said she wouldn't agree to any option involving staying married. She said the other night that she'll definitely miss me.

 

I haven't been calling after work like I always used to and she's made comments about it, as if I am still supposed to call her regularly or something. Friday, I didn't come home until 9:45 and didn't call or anything--my phone was dead. Apparently she tried calling and was all upset when I got home, calling me inconsiderate. I told her I didn't see why she would care when I come home or whether I called anymore--as far as I'm concerned we're just roomates now. She said even roomates let each other know where they are and when they're coming home. I have not had that experience.

 

Monday, I found out she cheated on me 3 years ago. I went to the OM's wife and she still had notes that they wrote each other--pretty upsetting stuff. Prior to going to OM's wife, I asked her repeatedly and she said she never did anything with this OM and that they were just good friends. Even after I told her I talked to the OM's wife, she denied it until she finally broke down. Then she started blaming me for the affair, saying that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

 

I can't wait to get out now-she says she loves me and cares about me and doesn't want me to feel bad, but that she can't be married to me anymore. What a mess! I've pretty much done a 180--I do my own thing and don't really talk to her anymore and I think it's kind of driving her nuts because I think she wants me for a safety net/support. But, I'm not going to give that to her--I'm just carrying out what she wants--a separation/divorce because I'm separating myself emotionally.

 

I've read some posts where the STBEW acts like she wants her STBEH back because she misses him, still loves him/etc. But with her, even after acknowledging these feelings, she still won't work on things or won't postpone the divorce. She hasn't filed yet, but she insists that she will as soon as I move out.

 

I think I'm dealing with someone with a very fractured view of marriage and someone who wants the best of both worlds--and probably still thinks she's going to get it when I move out, but I'm not going to do that. What do you guys think?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I told you that friends crap is bull. I had a feeling it was an affair. It had to be. Move on

With your life forget about her. She isn't worth it. Now do you understand why I was so hard on you before? You gotta man up. It's only two ways its gonna end either she's 100% in or out. Thats the way I see it. Respect yourself.

[PhiloDog]

Yeah, Chrome you were right--it's just been a rollercoaster and I suppose I've finally got some self-respect back. One thing I forgot to say is that early on we were just FWBs, then we moved in together for 2 years, then married. She really had no issue with the porn until we were married--she knew I did it prior to being married, and then she acted like I should have stopped. I understand as far as being in a committed relationship and that's why I stopped, but now she's saying that destroyed her trust/etc., but it didn't bother her prior to being married.

 

At any rate, now she's acting like she wants to be the perfect Christian and doesn't want anything to do with me because I suppose I represent what she considers a mistake in her life. Whatever.

 

Funny how she acts hurt when I decide to do things on my own and work on me, yet this was her decision that she never included me in on.

 

It is what it is, but I'm moving on to a better situation--maybe I'll find someone who loves me for who I am and who will stay with me as we work on each other.

[habs53]

No reason to ponder, this woman pulled your heart out, can you be friends with a woman like that???

 

Because a friendship to her could be allievating her guilt, when a woman who betrays a man and then becomes friends with them, She may think he was cool with it.

 

Why give her friendship? You aint got no kids, find someone else. screw her.

 

No CONTACT!!!

I never agreed with your ways at first. But guess what, i do now. 100 percent.

[You Go Girl]

I don't know what other issues your W has in her heart, claiming you weren't meeting her emotional needs. Only you can figure this out, or post clues here.

But any woman who has a PA and then claims that her H is wrong to view porn is extremely twisted. It's beyond hypocritical, it's ludicrous.

 

You need to implement the 180. Acting like her H, her acting like your W, all this has got to stop since she claims that reconciliation is impossible.

[PhiloDog]

Yeah--there's definitely issues there. Her explanation is that she doesn't want to be married expecting to be happy--she'd rather be alone and not expect to be happy.

 

I always thought you as an individual were responsible for keeping yourself happy with goals/etc. and that when you married someone you shared that happiness and that the sum of the parts is always greater than the whole.

 

Apparently, that's not her view--she's not a generally happy person, but neither am I--I'm a pessimist at heart, which I thought would be good for the both of us--you know, misery loves company. At any rate, she now wants something she didn't want before--permanent happiness I suppose.

 

She has some mental issues, which i accepted and tried to deal with--depression amongst other things, but she went off her meds a long time ago--I'm not even going to address that issue with her--she's way too defensive about everything else.

 

Also, she said she thinks she's going through menopause (hot flashes/etc.) because her only ovary (other got taken out because of a tumor) is quitting on her--she says she knows this, but I didn't ask.

 

She said she was never "in love" with me and that she married me because I was a "safe choice." It is all making a lot more sense now--I was in love, but she just wanted someone to hang out with. She said she thought she was incapable of being in love until she met the OM 3 years ago and now, even though she says she doesn't want anything to do with him (he's now 50 and full of emotional baggage dealing with his own divorce), she has been making herself miserable being in a marriage where she doesn't have feelings for me.

 

She said the only reason she's stayed married to me this long was because she didn't have any self esteem and that the reason why we were FWB/etc. early on is because she didn't have self-esteem. She said she now knows it was all wrong and I suppose she's probably trying to separate herself from that. This is probably also why she blames me for the affair--because it is somehow my fault. She says she also blamed God for letting her get married--how screwed up is that?

 

Messed up is all I have to say--she's putting this all on me when she was the one who married me for the wrong reasons and now wants to just be friends (without the benefits now apparently because she's somehow the perfect christian) like she has viewed us from the start. Apparently she's been trying to have feelings for me like it is some sort of mind-exercise and can't.

 

At any rate--my eyes have been opened. Thanks for listening to me--getting this stuff out and getting good feedback (even when not listened to-->Chrome Barracuda) is much appreciated!

 

You guys rock!

[habs53]

Yes take Chromes advise. Forget her, she has forgoten you. She is nothing more than a dishonest insecure person. You dont need that crap.

[You Go Girl]

Wow.

Well if her entire adult life has been a sham, a mistake, and even god's fault, then by all means let her go and right what is so very wrong.

I wouldn't want to dig into her psyche any deeper, it's scary in there.

What are you going to do to better YOUR life?

[habs53]

I didn't ask you anything there Chrome Barracuda because you're an idiot filled with hate. Do you think hating someone is really going to help you move on with your life?

 

As I said in my original post, we were best friends before we got married and so returning to that is fine with me if it makes her happy. I'm not so selfish that I'm going to act like I have to have her my way after I betrayed her trust for so many times. I am lucky she still wants to be my friend.

 

If she finds someone else, I'll deal with that when it comes, but I can either be bitter and without her friendship or I can still enjoy the things I like doing with her as a friend. I'm choosing the latter because I still have hope and I'd rather haver her in my life than not. I made a commitment to her, and despite my failings in the marriage, I will keep it either as a spouse or a friend. It's not pathetic to still share most of the stuff I enjoyed about our relationship without the issues that go along with a marriage. To me, I'm getting the best of what I thought our marriage was. I just screwed things up to where she lost the passion.

He is telling you like it is. It takes a while to sink in but its true.

[PhiloDog]

Yep--odd how a little emotional distancing will help in finding a more objective ground to view how things really are. The goggles are off and I thank you guys for helping.

[PhiloDog]

Well, moved out this past weekend. I have a nice place, all setup and I'm generally enjoying not living with someone right now. But the emptiness is still there, probably going to be there for a long time. At any rate, things seem to be looking up--I just need to get some friends--those all went away when I decided to stay at home all the time with the STBX, what a mistake that was.

 

I can tell she's bothered about me not wanting any contact, she made several off-hand snide remarks about it before I left. She has emailed me the past 2 days asking stupid questions about things I left there, even though I told her I didn't want them.

 

She told me she wants my new number, but I don't think I'm going to give it to her--she has my email and that's enough if she needs to get ahold of me. She asked if I was going to the hearing in a couple months (we're doing the quick, pro se deal) and I said yes. She seemed bothered by that. I want to make sure I'm there--not going to make this easy for her.

 

I can only hope she realizes it's not me making her so miserable, it is her own mind. Sure, I've made mistakes, but I've been honest about them, she hasn't. Before I left, I avoided all eye contact because when I looked at her, it was like looking at a complete stranger, and knowing how deceptive and emotionally screwed up she is made me even pity her.

Edited September 7, 2010 by PhiloDog

[PhiloDog]

Well, I can't believe it has been over a month since I last posted. A lot has changed. The days are slowly getting better. I have my new career, a lot more money than before and time, ah blessed time.

 

I haven't had much contact with her, but when I have, she has complained about not having money, always acts busy and makes sure to mention how much fun she is having doing this or that. Generally, she's very jealous and trying to make me jealous.

 

I still see her in church, and one night we talked afterward, but she now claims that she doesn't want to be friends like hang out or anything because she's trying to make new friends. Yet, we email sometimes and she is very quick to respond anytime I email her with a question.

 

I'm just as confused about her as ever, but I'm no longer caught up in trying to figure her out or why she has decided to just walk away. Frankly, after finding out about her affair, I don't really care, but something in me still wants to try to work things out. I know she doesn't want that, but I suppose I don't give up easily. I'm not letting it get to me at this point though.

 

I just can't believe how screwed up all of this is. It's completely ridiculous that she has controlled and played the blame game on me the whole time, knowing full well of her own infidelities.

 

What a sordid and crazy world this is. I have hope, though, that I will learn from this and grow and I will eventually find someone who truly loves me.

 

Our hearing is in less than 2 weeks and I don't really know what I am going to say to her. I want it to have an impact on her, yet not be resentful or hateful. I'm definitely going to the hearing even though she has told me she doesn't want me to be there. As an attorney, I know of easy ways to make it very hard on her, but I'm not going down that path. But I want to say something to her afterwards that will at least make her think.

 

Any thoughts?