smk Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Ok so what do I say???? I am going home as normal, and have to normally wait for a train to take me to the last part of my journey home - the station at which this normally happens is one that she has to take to get home. Because of our different timings - chances are quite slim that we would bump into each other, and TBH for the last 7 weeks I always look to see if she is there and she hasn't. Today as normal I am waiting and wandering around aimlessly on the train platform waiting the 10 mins for my next train, and I turn around and lo-behold who do I see there? Yes the ex. She saw me and waved so I did the polite thing and we walked towards each oher because she still had 5 mins till her train home - kept it very simple - hello, how are you, how is work - nothing else - my partner must have shown her pics from the festival I went to on Sunday so she commented on that saying that I looked good in the pic.... I honestly wanted to say so much yet I just physically could not bring the words to my mouth - wow that was awkward - I noticed that she was no longer wearing a pendant that I had given her - one that she said she would never take off even after we broke up - well hey ho - I did think about commenting but kept quite - said my goodbye politely and went off as her train approached... Yes I didnt literally break into a fit of violent shakes and anxiety after that and its taken 20 mins to calm down... But wow - I still felt the butterflies, but I didnt feel compelled to say anything. I felt all the love rushing back, but not to the extent to break down. As I walked away it just felt weird - yes my heart is pounding at a billion beats per hour, but for the first time since the break I havent been compelled to say all the things I have been wanting to... Good sign, bad sign, I dont know. I just thought to myself that yes I still care, I still love her, but right now she is NOT a part of my life, my life is me right now and that was it... I am still shaking a little - and TBH it did bring a tear to my eye, but I didnt break down after like I used to before.... Maybe its just the adrenaline pumping through my veins right now. Does that mean my NC is broken - and I was approaching 3 weeks in a couple of hours... darn... Well as I said my last stand is for me and no one else.. Link to post Share on other sites
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Ok so what do I say???? I am going home as normal, and have to normally wait for a train to take me to the last part of my journey home - the station at which this normally happens is one that she has to take to get home. Because of our different timings - chances are quite slim that we would bump into each other, and TBH for the last 7 weeks I always look to see if she is there and she hasn't. Today as normal I am waiting and wandering around aimlessly on the train platform waiting the 10 mins for my next train, and I turn around and lo-behold who do I see there? Yes the ex. She saw me and waved so I did the polite thing and we walked towards each oher because she still had 5 mins till her train home - kept it very simple - hello, how are you, how is work - nothing else - my partner must have shown her pics from the festival I went to on Sunday so she commented on that saying that I looked good in the pic.... I honestly wanted to say so much yet I just physically could not bring the words to my mouth - wow that was awkward - I noticed that she was no longer wearing a pendant that I had given her - one that she said she would never take off even after we broke up - well hey ho - I did think about commenting but kept quite - said my goodbye politely and went off as her train approached... Yes I didnt literally break into a fit of violent shakes and anxiety after that and its taken 20 mins to calm down... But wow - I still felt the butterflies, but I didnt feel compelled to say anything. I felt all the love rushing back, but not to the extent to break down. As I walked away it just felt weird - yes my heart is pounding at a billion beats per hour, but for the first time since the break I havent been compelled to say all the things I have been wanting to... Good sign, bad sign, I dont know. I just thought to myself that yes I still care, I still love her, but right now she is NOT a part of my life, my life is me right now and that was it... I am still shaking a little - and TBH it did bring a tear to my eye, but I didnt break down after like I used to before.... Maybe its just the adrenaline pumping through my veins right now. Does that mean my NC is broken - and I was approaching 3 weeks in a couple of hours... darn... Well as I said my last stand is for me and no one else.. Holy cow SMK. That must have been rough. I really feel for you right now and I hope you portrayed a strong image, at least outwardly. Gosh it must have been tough trying to figure out things to talk about without really talking about the elephant in the room. I don't know how I would handle that situation, but it sounds like you handled it with grace. Congratulations and I'm proud of you man! I can only imagine that's going to start a string of contact now. You are going to crave it, or she will. Maybe that will leed to something better, or maybe that will leed to something worse. Whatever has happened though, I have a feeling there will be more to come. Good luck and I feel for you SMK. Don't know what to do, but I feel for you... Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Maybe its just the adrenaline pumping through my veins right now. You are correct. Whatever place you were in during your NC...don't worry, you're still there. But you have to make sure you don't capitalize on that chance encounter with your ex because you know it could send you back to DAY ONE. You did all of the right things(i.e. not bringing up the pendant, being cordial, etc.). Now get back to living your own life and not trying to plan any moves to bring her back into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 I had to go for a very long run to shake that off... I played it very cool, calm and composed, acted as though she was just another acquaintance, nothing special, all the while feeling the adrenaline being pumped through my veins, had I stayed in her presence much longer I don't know how I would have been but as soon as I walked away I started shaking and shivering, then I just felt like I was in shock... It all fame out during my run though, the whole range of emotions from anger, to bargaining, to denial, I have been through them all in the last hour. All I can say is wow... I am not going to take this as anything - it was a chance encounter and that's it - if she texts or calls I am ignoring it - no way hose and going to put myself through the last 7 weeks again... Link to post Share on other sites
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 I had to go for a very long run to shake that off... I played it very cool, calm and composed, acted as though she was just another acquaintance, nothing special, all the while feeling the adrenaline being pumped through my veins, had I stayed in her presence much longer I don't know how I would have been but as soon as I walked away I started shaking and shivering, then I just felt like I was in shock... It all fame out during my run though, the whole range of emotions from anger, to bargaining, to denial, I have been through them all in the last hour. All I can say is wow... I am not going to take this as anything - it was a chance encounter and that's it - if she texts or calls I am ignoring it - no way hose and going to put myself through the last 7 weeks again... Wow SMK... Very proud of you. I don't think I could make it. I can only imagine my stomach dropping and putting on a fake smiley face. Wonder if she'd see right through it. Isn't it crazy how someone can have so much power over you? I don't get it? It's the same for me though too so I'm not faulting you at all. Keep us posted on this as I bet it's not the last you'll hear from her. I would crumble I think, as I feel I'm about to break NC any second now. Dang it all... Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Perfect, feel the pain and then keep moving. smk you really have made significant progress, keep it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 Oh my stomach was turning knots inside, heart beating at a billion beats per second, my heart feeling like it was being ripped out right there and then, but it's like something just kept me normal, I don't know maybe it was the adrenaline, or something but I just kept it cool and walked away with my dignity and pride intact. Irrespective of what she does I am not breaking NC... Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 Perfect, feel the pain and then keep moving. smk you really have made significant progress, keep it up. Yeah I felt the pain, I fell for a moment and picked myself and kept on going... I got home came and posted here because I needed to just let it out and went for a run and just ran and ran and ran until my knees wouldn't take it anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 ...and I turn around and lo-behold who do I see there? Yes the ex. Now you know how I felt last week! D'OH! I noticed that she was no longer wearing a pendant that I had given her... You mean the vial of your blood that you gave to her? ...As I walked away it just felt weird - yes my heart is pounding at a billion beats per hour.. Yup. Me too. I had to walk into a meeting and be "on" as my heart was pounding a million miles an hour cuz she had just texted me too as I was walking in! Does that mean my NC is broken - and I was approaching 3 weeks in a couple of hours... darn... Yes you now must be taken out behind the barn and shot for breaking NC. Any last words? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 **** yeah I felt like that... We did contemplate pulling s Billy bob and angelina but I am scared of needles so i chickened out at the last minute... Lol.... Thank god I was on my way home and not to a meeting that would have been pretty ****ed up.... Can I have a last song - 10 trillion bottles of beer sitting on a wall....... Link to post Share on other sites
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Now you know how I felt last week! D'OH! You mean the vial of your blood that you gave to her? Yup. Me too. I had to walk into a meeting and be "on" as my heart was pounding a million miles an hour cuz she had just texted me too as I was walking in! Yes you now must be taken out behind the barn and shot for breaking NC. Any last words? Holy cow Shark, I couldn't imagine encountering something like that and then trying to remain composed for a business meeting. That hard to have been hard as hell. Both you and SMK did great though. If it were me, I would be getting the post-encounter hangover fairly soon. Really proud of you both. Really. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Good, SMK. Stay strong bro. The first time I bumped into my ex was a verification to me all my fears; that she had indeed cheated. I walked into a bar to see the very same guy she was messaging on FB that I asked her about- with his arm around her. I tried to remain strong, but her taunting look was enough for me to be set off; I was a ticking time bomb anyhow; She waived and asked how I was doing, I told her to **** off with her fat little boy toy and leave me to my own life; to which, he threw a punch. I simply (Having studied Thai for a while) moved out of the way, told him I was respectfully inclined to leave the bar, and that I hoped his relationship lasted longer with her then mine did with her. He was raging furious. I told her she was a goddamned liar, and laughed that her BF was fat. That was the last time I'd seen her in public since. So congrats. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 HPD - the first thought that came into my head as I walked away was that I needed a stiff drink - and then it's like I picked up a strength that I didn't know I had - both when talking to her and going for a run instead of hitting the bottle. Exactly a week ago I was hitting the bottle on receiving a random txt from her... We all have it within us - I think there just comes a point where you get the will to fight the urge to go back - our exes are like a drug that we were addicted to, and I guess this was me kicking the habit, like I did with the cigs and am trying with the juice too... Toad - wow that would have been harsh - had she cheated on me, hmmm I would have definitely thrown a punch to the OM, I wouldn't have been as classy as you - I would have gone straight for him.... Link to post Share on other sites
bonpaw2008 Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 I think you did an awesome job SMK!!!! It shows progress that you didn't have to say all those things to her, and that you were able to see her and you made it through!!! I know it hurts, feel that pain and then let it go.... WOOOHOOOO! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 I think you did an awesome job SMK!!!! It shows progress that you didn't have to say all those things to her, and that you were able to see her and you made it through!!! I know it hurts, feel that pain and then let it go.... WOOOHOOOO! There were things I wanted to say but I thought to myself what good it would do? None whatsoever, why should I set myself back? Yeah it brought back a huge flood of emotions and I am glad her train came when it did, I don't how I would have handled being there for any longer, it just seems like my whole body was flooded with adrenaline and completely in shock, I remember being in a crash once and feeling the same way I did today... Wow it's all sort of settling in now but I am not going to let it set me back, I will feel the pain, I will accept it, and move forward, I refuse to go back to 7 weeks ago, I have cried too many tears to go back... Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 I'm proud of you as well. You took your medicine like a man and are on the road to recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 Thank you everyone... Don't want to get my hopes up too high, but yeah I felt good today, felt that I didn't fall back, that I didn't do what I would have normally which was hit the bottle, sure it was painful but I got through it... Hopefully i have begun the path to recovery and fingers crossed I will stay on it, sure I know there is a chance I may fall, but i think it just comes down to wanting to stick to my chosen path and not deviate from it... Link to post Share on other sites
bonpaw2008 Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Thank you everyone... Don't want to get my hopes up too high, but yeah I felt good today, felt that I didn't fall back, that I didn't do what I would have normally which was hit the bottle, sure it was painful but I got through it... Hopefully i have begun the path to recovery and fingers crossed I will stay on it, sure I know there is a chance I may fall, but i think it just comes down to wanting to stick to my chosen path and not deviate from it... You have been on the path since the beginning, it is just wider now and easier to see... You rock!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Thank you everyone... Don't want to get my hopes up too high, but yeah I felt good today, felt that I didn't fall back, that I didn't do what I would have normally which was hit the bottle, sure it was painful but I got through it... Hopefully i have begun the path to recovery and fingers crossed I will stay on it, sure I know there is a chance I may fall, but i think it just comes down to wanting to stick to my chosen path and not deviate from it... Seriously SMK. Great Job!! And way to not hit the bottle. The run was the right choice. I'd be a mess right now, obviously. Maybe you are on the path to recovery? If you can do this, maybe I can. It's going to take some serious will power to not get those gears turning, at least it would be in my case. You are strong though! Much stronger than me!! Congratulations!! Link to post Share on other sites
cookie2 Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Nice one dude - keep up the good work! Not really looking forward to my "first meeting", but I'm sure it will come at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
LK30 Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Well done mate! I had a similar thing a couple of weeks ago where I saw her best mate, who came up and spoke to me, but we never mentioned my ex gf at all, and I think that was thru fear she would say 'yeah, she's got a new bf now' as I know that would make my heart sink even though we broke up in Jan. I was kind of buzzing as I stupidly thought my ex may get in contact as her best mate was bound to go back and tell her she'd seen me. But, as expected, I heard nothing. I did feel one good thing, and that was the fact her best mate came and spoke to me as it sort of showed she is probably a bit gutted (my ex's best mate) we split up or surely she would've avoided me. Oh well! NC it is! Link to post Share on other sites
Thorgs Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Glad you are positive smk. My day has hit the fan. Found out ex was seeing a new guy. Text her saying I won't bother her anymore and that I'll disappear. I didn't tell her I know about the new guy. I am so depressed right now. When she broke up with me she told me she wanted to be single and not have a relationship right now because of all the stuff she is going through and broke up with me and now a few weeks later is having a new guy come around. I wish I was dead right now. My feelings and emotions cannot handle this anymore. She text me back saying she needs her freedom right now and thought things were good between us. I didn't reply and in fact, I am deleting the text right now. I want to take a hammer to my head so badly, I ****ing hate this more than anything else in the world. I am still shaking from finding out and that was almost 4 hours ago Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 You're tougher than me SMK. I don't know what I would do if I ran into my ex. Thank God I'm getting deployed again soon Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 You're tougher than me SMK. I don't know what I would do if I ran into my ex. Thank God I'm getting deployed again soon Is that your confession to running away? Smk, sometimes I wonder if the world is really all that small that conicidences as yours happen... anyways, glad you're coping really well. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 Jesus, smk! You have impressed the socks right off me. What an amazing example you are becoming on here.. Lemme hear you say fight the power! x Link to post Share on other sites
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