"Just Friends"?!

[SoSilly]

After a week, yes only a week, of NC - we ran into eachother. xMM said he missed me in his life, is trying to work on things with his W, but he wants to be friends.

 

What's the point of this on his side of things?

[BB07]

I would think that it feeds something in himself.....at a selfish cost to you.

 

I have a few ex's myself.....(no surprise there uh), anyway, it take a lot of time passing and a lot of water under the bridge to be able to have some sort of friend relationship with them. Sometimes it's not possible, rarely it is.

[bentnotbroken]

Ask him how his wife feels about the two of you being friends? What his expression. It should say it all.

[Spark1111]

I think it is painful and confusing for all around, and generally, not a GOOD idea or one that is in your best interests, nor his, nor his wife's, nor their marriage.

 

Many think they can handle it, and maybe you can. Based on what I read around here though, it keeps stoking those roller coaster emotions and prolongs the "what if" fantasies...and basically leads to a lot of unresolved anger or pain few can truly handle well.

 

I mean, try to define the "Let's be friends" scenario in your mind.

 

If he truly re-commits to his wife, well then he would hardly be able to be friends with you, a true friend. And that may cause you pain and anger, as in, "I was good enough to have an affair with, but not good enough to be a true friend to."

 

Or, he can try to reconcile with the wife, not really be committed to it, and then use your friendship to re-engage you in the affair.

 

Well that's selfish and self-serving on his part; it has little regard for what you may want.

 

So, all in all, it sounds noble and kind, but the reality of it always smacks of a painful experience.

 

And this might be my robust ego speaking, but I would never be friends with someone who chose another woman's love over mine. To be rejected on such a personal level would tell me you could never truly be my friend.

 

My love wasn't good enough? But my friendship might be?

 

No thank you. Not the least bit interested. Have a nice day.

[ladydesigner]

I think it is painful and confusing for all around, and generally, not a GOOD idea or one that is in your best interests, nor his, nor his wife's, nor their marriage.

 

Many think they can handle it, and maybe you can. Based on what I read around here though, it keeps stoking those roller coaster emotions and prolongs the "what if" fantasies...and basically leads to a lot of unresolved anger or pain few can truly handle well.

 

I mean, try to define the "Let's be friends" scenario in your mind.

 

If he truly re-commits to his wife, well then he would hardly be able to be friends with you, a true friend. And that may cause you pain and anger, as in, "I was good enough to have an affair with, but not good enough to be a true friend to."

 

Or, he can try to reconcile with the wife, not really be committed to it, and then use your friendship to re-engage you in the affair.

 

Well that's selfish and self-serving on his part; it has little regard for what you may want.

 

So, all in all, it sounds noble and kind, but the reality of it always smacks of a painful experience.

 

And this might be my robust ego speaking, but I would never be friends with someone who chose another woman's love over mine. To be rejected on such a personal level would tell me you could never truly be my friend.

 

My love wasn't good enough? But my friendship might be?

 

No thank you. Not the least bit interested. Have a nice day.

 

This is exactly the conclusion I came to. My XOM still wanted to be friends after ending with me to continue with his girlfriend. I thought I could handle it, but could not. 1 year later I still found myself in the same pain I was in upon ending when I could have been healed. It just prolongs the healing for the person who was hurt. I can see why he asked to be friends since we were friends before we embarked on the A. But then what kind of friend has an A with a M woman and likewise for me. I knew he had a girlfriend. That is not a friendship. Uggghhh

[norajane]

He misses the validation and ego strokes that came from his affair with you. He liked having another woman around who was attracted to him and made him feel like superman. So, sure, he wants to keep you around - he knows you're still attracted to him, so he's got that instant ego stroke around whenever he needs it by seeing you.

 

Being "friends" is still carrying on the affair. Emails and texts and calls...all that talking is still an affair. And probably, he'll get around to some sexy talk, too.

 

Stay away, unless you want your emotions to stay wrapped up in him.

[ladydesigner]

He misses the validation and ego strokes that came from his affair with you. He liked having another woman around who was attracted to him and made him feel like superman. So, sure, he wants to keep you around - he knows you're still attracted to him, so he's got that instant ego stroke around whenever he needs it by seeing you.

 

Being "friends" is still carrying on the affair. Emails and texts and calls...all that talking is still an affair. And probably, he'll get around to some sexy talk, too.

 

Stay away, unless you want your emotions to stay wrapped up in him.

 

I never realized this until the sexy talk he would...uh... haphazardly sneak in. I mean really... friends with an ex AP is still carrying on an A, at least an emotional one.

[TOWinNYC]

I think it is painful and confusing for all around, and generally, not a GOOD idea or one that is in your best interests, nor his, nor his wife's, nor their marriage.

 

Many think they can handle it, and maybe you can. Based on what I read around here though, it keeps stoking those roller coaster emotions and prolongs the "what if" fantasies...and basically leads to a lot of unresolved anger or pain few can truly handle well.

 

I mean, try to define the "Let's be friends" scenario in your mind.

 

If he truly re-commits to his wife, well then he would hardly be able to be friends with you, a true friend. And that may cause you pain and anger, as in, "I was good enough to have an affair with, but not good enough to be a true friend to."

 

Or, he can try to reconcile with the wife, not really be committed to it, and then use your friendship to re-engage you in the affair.

 

Well that's selfish and self-serving on his part; it has little regard for what you may want.

 

So, all in all, it sounds noble and kind, but the reality of it always smacks of a painful experience.

 

And this might be my robust ego speaking, but I would never be friends with someone who chose another woman's love over mine. To be rejected on such a personal level would tell me you could never truly be my friend.

 

My love wasn't good enough? But my friendship might be?

 

No thank you. Not the least bit interested. Have a nice day.

 

Excellent post Spark.

[Butterfly11]

Excellent post Spark.

I agree

[SoSilly]

I don't feel as though I've been rejected. He stayed because of his kids - end of story. We were friends before this.

 

I did talk to him today - all day actually... and a few times things got "heated" (as in sexual). I'm going to see how it goes the next couple of days and then call him out on it.

 

I don't find it confusing or me wanting to get into an A again with him. I do love him, but I won't hurt myself by doing that. It's going to be hard to see him with her at social events (which are very rare).

 

Great posts - made me open my eyes - including the comment about him wanting to keep me around because I boosted his ego.

[jthorne]

I don't feel as though I've been rejected. He stayed because of his kids - end of story. We were friends before this.

 

I did talk to him today - all day actually... and a few times things got "heated" (as in sexual). I'm going to see how it goes the next couple of days and then call him out on it.

 

I don't find it confusing or me wanting to get into an A again with him. I do love him, but I won't hurt myself by doing that. It's going to be hard to see him with her at social events (which are very rare).

 

Great posts - made me open my eyes - including the comment about him wanting to keep me around because I boosted his ego.

If you are talking about anything that you could not talk about in front of his wife, you are NOT friends. You are continuing the affair, just on his terms.

 

And, most MM claim they can't leave because of the kids. It's the oldest excuse in the book.

 

He's fishing, and you're letting yourself be reeled in.

Edited August 4, 2010 by jthorne

[Spark1111]

I don't feel as though I've been rejected. He stayed because of his kids - end of story. We were friends before this.

 

I did talk to him today - all day actually... and a few times things got "heated" (as in sexual). I'm going to see how it goes the next couple of days and then call him out on it.

 

I don't find it confusing or me wanting to get into an A again with him. I do love him, but I won't hurt myself by doing that. It's going to be hard to see him with her at social events (which are very rare).

 

Great posts - made me open my eyes - including the comment about him wanting to keep me around because I boosted his ego.

 

Okay, you are already seeing where it may be growing complicated.

 

Ture friends of the opposite sex are introduced to the spouse. They become an integral part of the couple's life too.

 

And SS, I have many friends of the opposite sex. Not one would engage me in a heated, sexually charged discussion. Not one. They would be too respectful of our friendship to ever cross that line with me, their friend.

 

Talking of sex is keeping the affair alive, not initating a true frienship; a platonic relationship should encourage you and your goals and support you in whatever stage you are in your life.

 

There is no initating of heated sex talk with a friend, unless I am using that friend to sexually gratify my ego or my fantasies.

 

And that's not friendship, IMHO.

 

Try this: refuse to engage or talk or entertain any coversation regarding sex. See how long he remains friendly to you,

[califnan]

He misses the validation and ego strokes that came from his affair with you. He liked having another woman around who was attracted to him and made him feel like superman. So, sure, he wants to keep you around - he knows you're still attracted to him, so he's got that instant ego stroke around whenever he needs it by seeing you.

 

Being "friends" is still carrying on the affair. Emails and texts and calls...all that talking is still an affair. And probably, he'll get around to some sexy talk, too.

 

Stay away, unless you want your emotions to stay wrapped up in him.

 

----------------------

 

I agree with all of the above.

 

Starve him, Save yourself.

[SoSilly]

Okay, you are already seeing where it may be growing complicated.

 

Ture friends of the opposite sex are introduced to the spouse. They become an integral part of the couple's life too.

 

And SS, I have many friends of the opposite sex. Not one would engage me in a heated, sexually charged discussion. Not one. They would be too respectful of our friendship to ever cross that line with me, their friend.

 

Talking of sex is keeping the affair alive, not initating a true frienship; a platonic relationship should encourage you and your goals and support you in whatever stage you are in your life.

 

There is no initating of heated sex talk with a friend, unless I am using that friend to sexually gratify my ego or my fantasies.

 

And that's not friendship, IMHO.

 

Try this: refuse to engage or talk or entertain any coversation regarding sex. See how long he remains friendly to you,

 

I already have met her before our A. Talked to her a few times, but nothing major. In another thread, I explained that our hobby is how we met and there are social functions that we both have to attend. (please don't get into how horrible I am for even knowing her - already been through the coals on that).

 

I am going to wait a few days to see where he goes with this. Is it bad that even though I truly love him, I think of this as a game now? Maybe this is a part of my healing process that some can't do and go complete NC? I feel better talking to him than not.

 

This weekend I'm going to force myself to date.

[jthorne]

Real friends don't play games with one another. You can't have it both ways. So either you two are not friends, or you are losing your game.

[Spark1111]

Just be careful with your feelings.

 

Don't allow yourself to be used by him.

 

Remember how true friends treat each other.

 

See if he is capable of being a true friend. You will have your answer soon enough.

 

Some claim to want to reconcile for the sake of the kids. It may be a ruse to have the OW back off from becoming too in love, too demanding of his time and attention; from wanting more from him.

 

But a little time passes, she does back off, and then he initiates again. He wants the affair to continue, but on his terms: no demands, not too many strings attached, please God no talk of a future.

 

Just ego=gratifying sex and attention and adoration, but on my terms only, when I can sneak away from my responsibilities.

 

A friend wouldn't do this to you. So be aware and be careful with you.

[Angel1111]

Ask him how his wife feels about the two of you being friends? What his expression. It should say it all.

 

This was exactly my thought. The very first thing a BS will do is insist that all communication with the OW be cut off completely and forever. Even if his wife doesn't know about the affair, he knows that she wouldn't want him talking to you - so he's still betraying her.

 

I wouldn't go down this road if I were you. I have stayed in 'friendship' mode with my xMM but only because of the circumstances. I would've much preferred to just walk away and move on. If you continue talking to your xMM, you'll just get sucked back into the relationship. No matter how strongly you feel now about staying away from him, you'll weaken at some point, the conversation will turn to something that touches you, and before you know it, you're right back where you started. What he said to you about working on his marriage but still wanting you in his life was nothing short of an insult to you.

[SoSilly]

I don't mean it as a GAME - as in game playing. I want to see how far he goes and call him out on it, I guess? Maybe I'll feel different in the morning?

 

This was exactly my thought. The very first thing a BS will do is insist that all communication with the OW be cut off completely and forever. Even if his wife doesn't know about the affair, he knows that she wouldn't want him talking to you - so he's still betraying her.

 

I wouldn't go down this road if I were you. I have stayed in 'friendship' mode with my xMM but only because of the circumstances. I would've much preferred to just walk away and move on. If you continue talking to your xMM, you'll just get sucked back into the relationship. No matter how strongly you feel now about staying away from him, you'll weaken at some point, the conversation will turn to something that touches you, and before you know it, you're right back where you started. What he said to you about working on his marriage but still wanting you in his life was nothing short of an insult to you.

 

W doesn't know of the A. She suspected it, but never found out exactly. He hasn't had to lie to her in the past week of where he's been and told me that he doesn't want to do that anymore. He's pretty disgusted with himself, etc etc etc. I'm sure this will be a viscous cycle, but my eyes are more open now.

 

Because of our hobby, we see eachother often. If people notice that we aren't talking, then they'll know something is up.

 

I'm actually more curious about this weekend. Fri - our group is having an event. Sat - a friend is having a party for another because of his accident. His W will be away ALL weekend with the kids. I guess it's my time to see how strong I am and if I can reject him if he wants anything more than "just friends".

[scatterd]

Hello silly I remember you and also remember telling you he would come back fishing it sure did not take him long.I hope you are not thinking of entertaining him hes back for that ego stroke.Being a friends is not possible in time you willbe right back where you started getting only left over crumbs and a continuous roller coaster ride.I know how tempting it is but do you really want to do this?The story that he gives you is a classic line he needs to leave you alone to work on his marriage and if he does not he will tell you He needs

to make it truly work out with the wife the next time.For your own Peace of mind stay away give your self time to get over him and meet someone who can give all of his love to you I think you deserve better.In the end you will

be so much better off you have to admit it has not been long enough time

to heal with out wanting more then friends.I wish you the best and I hope

you are thinking about what you have been told this seems to be the same thing we see over and over.Good Luck and big hugs

[Butterfly11]

I don't mean it as a GAME - as in game playing. I want to see how far he goes and call him out on it, I guess? Maybe I'll feel different in the morning?

 

 

 

W doesn't know of the A. She suspected it, but never found out exactly. He hasn't had to lie to her in the past week of where he's been and told me that he doesn't want to do that anymore. He's pretty disgusted with himself, etc etc etc. I'm sure this will be a viscous cycle, but my eyes are more open now.

 

Because of our hobby, we see eachother often. If people notice that we aren't talking, then they'll know something is up.

 

I'm actually more curious about this weekend. Fri - our group is having an event. Sat - a friend is having a party for another because of his accident. His W will be away ALL weekend with the kids. I guess it's my time to see how strong I am and if I can reject him if he wants anything more than "just friends".

Reject him, you may feel a bit of pleasure from it. I know when my exH came back and wanted to try again I felt a little pleasure in saying, "No, I don't need or want you anymore". I also find the more you say no the more they want you

[Snowflower]

I'm actually more curious about this weekend. Fri - our group is having an event. Sat - a friend is having a party for another because of his accident. His W will be away ALL weekend with the kids. I guess it's my time to see how strong I am and if I can reject him if he wants anything more than "just friends".

 

Please, please, please don't let yourself be swayed by this "playa." You will get hurt even worse than you can imagine. Stay away, go out with other friends, put in overtime at work, anything to keep yourself out of a worsening situation. I'm worried for you!

[RedDevil66]

You still want him and if he asks, you'll give him what he needs.

 

The true test will be if he really is disgusted with himself, then he will not even go near you.

He's playing you to feed his sad little ego. You're playing right into his hands, but you are getting something out of this as well.

[Snowflower]

You still want him and if he asks, you'll give him what he needs.

 

The true test will be if he really is disgusted with himself, then he will not even go near you.

He's playing you to feed his sad little ego. You're playing right into his hands, but you are getting something out of this as well.

 

I don't see this happening...he doesn't seem to disgusted with himself at all. He has started up the conversations and the flirting again. Yes, he is getting something out of this...I don't think he will be disgusted with himself anytime soon.

[Spark1111]

I don't see this happening...he doesn't seem to disgusted with himself at all. He has started up the conversations and the flirting again. Yes, he is getting something out of this...I don't think he will be disgusted with himself anytime soon.

 

And the wife and kiddies are away this weekend, so it was time to reinitiate contact.....

 

He's hoping to get lucky one last time, IMHO.

[ladydesigner]

Wash...rinse...repeat cycle again

 

He's fishing that's for damn sure. I also think he is not disgusted. Hopefully you are strong enough Sosilly to shut down his advances. It's too bad you both run in the same social circle that has got to be hard.