Ladies: How do you handle increased attention from men?

[Ruby Slippers]

For most of my life, I've been more understated, arty, kinda tomboyish with my appearance. I'm playing around with the girlie look more these days, and it's fun. I've always been in pretty good shape, but I'm getting in even better shape lately, because I'm eating better and just getting smarter about exercise and nutrition. I feel like I'm really just beginning to get comfortable in my skin and sensuality. I'm also kicking butt running my biz, so my confidence is increasing and I'm being more outgoing in general.

 

One thing that is a little difficult for me, though, is that I am getting a LOT more attention from men. I don't mean they are coming at me 24/7, but it's definitely more than I'm used to.

 

Being nice and friendly doesn't seem to work very well to deflect unwanted attention. But I'm not a bitchy person and don't want to be rude or discouraging. Do you have to be rude to stop unwanted flirtation? I just don't think I can do that.

 

Also, something kind of weird is that this part of me doesn't want the attention and sometimes dreads it. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I haven't been unconsciously deflecting it for most of my life.

 

I just went to the grocery store, and almost every guy I passed made eyes at me, turned his head, and about half of them gave me these lecherous looks. Even men with their wives/girlfriends. And then the women almost always shoot daggers at me with their eyes, even though I didn't do anything except walk by! I can't help that their men are creeps!

 

I guess I haven't developed my ice queen filters well enough? Because sometimes it's tiring to deal with. Do you just have to ignore this stuff? How do you do it? Any suggestions?

[You Go Girl]

What were you wearing to the grocery store to get that much attention?

 

I used to dress up, nails, make-up, hair, the works, when I was a retail manager or real estate agent. Now I dress down as an antique dealer. I don't wear make-up anymore. I don't think guys even care or like it. Good healthy looks will shine in a pair of jeans and t-shirt.

So I have done the opposite of what you have done. No more painted nails, no make-up.

I wore a skirt one day last week simply because my casual clothes were dirty. I did receive much attention. I noticed that some of it was sexist. I have noticed I receive more simple respect when dressing down. I'm more comfortable with that these days.

[alphamale]

Do you just have to ignore this stuff? How do you do it? Any suggestions?

after a little while you get used to it and it just becomes second nature to ignore it...

[denise_xo]

IME, it's about projecting a particular kind of attitude that signals 'not available/ not interested' in a polite but firm manner. I don't really know how to explain or describe it, because to me it's similar to acting on a gut feeling, if that makes any sense (probably not...). In terms of observable behaviour, I guess it includes stuff like ignoring/ not responding to certain types of attention, speaking in a certain tone of voice, assuming an air of indifference/asexuality when needed, and just tuning out - but the sum of it to me is not a string of behaviours, but an internalised attitude that you can condition yourself to assume.

 

The fact that you noticed that all of these men were paying attention to you in the grocery store, in some way means that you were also tuned in to them, more than you had to be (not saying that this was a conscious or wanted act, though). Practice tuning out. When you do, (some) men will notice and back off a bit.

[Ruby Slippers]

What were you wearing to the grocery store to get that much attention?

Pants and a T-shirt, with my hair piled up in a clip on the back of my head.

 

The fact that you noticed that all of these men were paying attention to you in the grocery store, in some way means that you were also tuned in to them, more than you had to be (not saying that this was a conscious or wanted act, though). Practice tuning out. When you do, (some) men will notice and back off a bit.

This is good advice. You're right. I enjoy people watching at the grocery store, and in general, but usually not in a checking out way -- just a people watching way. So I do notice people's reactions to me. I'm sure I can consciously stop people watching if the attention feels overwhelming.

[TouchedByViolet]

after a little while you get used to it and it just becomes second nature to ignore it...

 

Yes.

 

Guys like checking out hot girls. Its what we do.

[Sophia8]

For most of my life, I've been more understated, arty, kinda tomboyish with my appearance. I'm playing around with the girlie look more these days, and it's fun. I've always been in pretty good shape, but I'm getting in even better shape lately, because I'm eating better and just getting smarter about exercise and nutrition. I feel like I'm really just beginning to get comfortable in my skin and sensuality. I'm also kicking butt running my biz, so my confidence is increasing and I'm being more outgoing in general.

 

One thing that is a little difficult for me, though, is that I am getting a LOT more attention from men. I don't mean they are coming at me 24/7, but it's definitely more than I'm used to.

 

Being nice and friendly doesn't seem to work very well to deflect unwanted attention. But I'm not a bitchy person and don't want to be rude or discouraging. Do you have to be rude to stop unwanted flirtation? I just don't think I can do that.

 

Also, something kind of weird is that this part of me doesn't want the attention and sometimes dreads it. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I haven't been unconsciously deflecting it for most of my life.

 

I just went to the grocery store, and almost every guy I passed made eyes at me, turned his head, and about half of them gave me these lecherous looks. Even men with their wives/girlfriends. And then the women almost always shoot daggers at me with their eyes, even though I didn't do anything except walk by! I can't help that their men are creeps!

 

I guess I haven't developed my ice queen filters well enough? Because sometimes it's tiring to deal with. Do you just have to ignore this stuff? How do you do it? Any suggestions?

 

In the beginning it may make you feel a bit paranoid but after a while you will get use to it and pay the men and women that shoot you daggers no attention. When you notice a man looking at you, they are more likely to continue because of the fact you are looking at them. If I feel that a guys are looking at me and I'm not in the mood to flirt, I either chose to continue about my business or make a quick glance first and then carry on.

 

You don't have to be rude to stop unwanted flirtation, I normally just smile and be honest and I would say 95% of the time they are fine with this, we have a little chat and then they go off. I really try hard not to be rude as I know that sometimes it takes a lot for a guy to approach a woman. Sometimes you do have to be rude but only to certain guys, and I think you will know when that time is. This is when the ice queen rountine comes in handy.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say that men are creeps when they look at you. It's like you're driving down the road in your Golf and a beautiful Aston Martin passes you by, you are bound to look!

[Ruby Slippers]

I really try hard not to be rude as I know that sometimes it takes a lot for a guy to approach a woman.

Yes, I agree. I wouldn't want to discourage a guy from going for it in the future, even if I'm not interested.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say that men are creeps when they look at you. It's like you're driving down the road in your Golf and a beautiful Aston Martin passes you by, you are bound to look!

I think that when a man is at the grocery store with his woman, and he stops in the middle of their conversation over the apples to leer at a woman walking by and undress her with his eyes, he's crude and a creep. It's VERY repellent to me. Even if I initally found him attractive as can be, that totally makes him dead to me, as I immediately think about him doing that to me if he were my man. I'd rather be alone than be with a caveman like that.

[yume]

For most of my life, I've been more understated, arty, kinda tomboyish with my appearance. I'm playing around with the girlie look more these days, and it's fun. I've always been in pretty good shape, but I'm getting in even better shape lately, because I'm eating better and just getting smarter about exercise and nutrition. I feel like I'm really just beginning to get comfortable in my skin and sensuality. I'm also kicking butt running my biz, so my confidence is increasing and I'm being more outgoing in general.

 

Seeing as your confidence has increased, it's showing through how you present yourself to others. Clearly, you've now got the look of a confident woman who feels good about herself. Men (and women) are drawn to this - they look and think wow! she's got it together! Even wearing jeans and a t-shirt can't hide this. You are walking taller (maybe not literally, but definitely on the inside) and this is changing how you present yourself. Walk with pride, let them stare. Jealousy is a bitch.

 

I'm happy for you.

 

As for the creepers, they are there. Always have been, always will be.

[Ruby Slippers]

Seeing as your confidence has increased, it's showing through how you present yourself to others. Clearly, you've now got the look of a confident woman who feels good about herself. Men (and women) are drawn to this - they look and think wow! she's got it together! Even wearing jeans and a t-shirt can't hide this. You are walking taller (maybe not literally, but definitely on the inside) and this is changing how you present yourself. Walk with pride, let them stare. Jealousy is a bitch.

 

I'm happy for you.

 

As for the creepers, they are there. Always have been, always will be.

Great post. Thanks, yume!

 

My dad's health is faltering, and I just truly began making peace with him. It's been pretty profound. And I feel that all this weight and burden is lifting from my shoulders. It's kind of amazing, and kind of scary.

 

I think this has something to do with my attitude and the increased attention. But it is definitely a little much for me sometimes. I am sensitive, and all the energy coming at me feels overwhelming sometimes.

 

Maybe I can just think of it as love and goodness.

[denise_xo]

Maybe I can just think of it as love and goodness.

 

Be careful, it isn't always

 

Good to hear about you and your father.

[Ruby Slippers]

So while out yesterday, I worked on not people watching, and it helped because I didn't notice any leering guys, which made me feel better. But this time, three different guys tried to start a conversation with me! I ended all of them quickly, and I was nice about it. I really was busy, with five recipes in my hand, since I am cooking a bunch of good food for a BBQ party at my house tonight. Woo!

 

But I am starting to see how this can be fun. It seems the more mysterious and tuned out from the attention I am, the more they're coming at me.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi Ruby. I like your posts. You have a great head on your shoulders. I wonder about this one though. I can understand not wanting to be pestered by men asserting themselves toward you (literally bothering you) because that's a bit of an invasion of your space and serenity. But noticing that men are simply noticing you, well, that's usually an ego booster for someone who didn't previously draw that kind of attention. I wish I could tell you how to ward off unwanted advances w/o being rude. Perhaps you can just say "please, I'm spoken for" whether you are or not. If a guy persists then it's your right to tell him to hit the bricks. Other than that this seems to be a time of maturing into someone different than you've been and it will just take more time to get comfortable in your own skin. I would advise not making eye contact with staring guys--just walk on and take it that you rate a good look and that's something most women and men wish they warranted. Good luck and frankly, congratulations.

[GrayClouds]

Hi Ruby. I like your posts. You have a great head on your shoulders. and frankly, congratulations.

 

Is this the stuff your talking about...

[Nikki Sahagin]

First off, good for you for being such a hot thing!

 

Second, either ignore it, which is really all you can do (at least outwardly ignore it, even if inside you're squirming)

 

Or you could 'own it' - be a bit arrogant about it. Men tend to hate when they give attention to a girl who turns out to be like 'yeah I know i'm hot.' But sometimes that works in getting them to bugger off.

 

Thirdly, sometimes you've just got to be rude. The only people I can get mad at are lecharous men; they are the only people I just say 'yeah f- off' or anything else rude or horrible I can think of. I get the greatest kick out of being horrible to them as they make me so uncomfortable!

[Yamaha]

If you don't want the attention then you would ignore any interest you receive but you seem to be very conscience of their unwanted attention.

 

Are they cat calling you or blocking your path so you can't ignore them?

 

I guess you could go back to the way you used to be when you didn't receive so much male attention. ( just a thought. don't kill the messenger ).

[K'aycie]

 

You're welcome.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am starting to think that I am more attractive than I have given myself credit for most of my life, because of issues with my super critical dad, my own perfectionism, and all those weights around my neck.

 

But I'm beginning to unburden them from me. My dad and I are making peace. I am doing detective work with my sisters and brothers, figuring out why he has been so critical. He's been judging his own shortcomings, not actually those of his kids. It's the darkness is his heart that has inked everything up. Now that his health is failing and he feels his body and life breaking down, we are REALLY talking for the first time ever. It's... weird and kind of amazing.

 

I've always been very sensitive, and I've struggled with self-esteem for years. I think I am making some breakthroughs and getting in touch with the core of my strengths, grace. I have felt so strong through this, open hearted and full of compassion for him, while still protecting my own feelings and keeping myself strong.

 

My business is beginning to improve and grow exponentially, which I hope will earn me the money I need to do the things I want -- all creative and wild, like recording an album, making experimental theater again, establishing several nonprofits that are working on the world's problems.

 

This stuff is huge. And long overdue.

 

The challenge for me will be not to fear the evolution, not to turn back from the bright future. I hope y'all can be some part of helping me with that.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Ruby Slippers

[norajane]

I'm the queen of deflection. It's easy, if you really want to deflect.

 

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Go your merry way doing whatever and be completely oblivious to what is happening around you. Or even if you notice, why care so much?

 

If you sense a conversation is going in a direction you don't want it to, head it off before it happens. Politely smile, apologize, and excuse yourself to go to the ladies' room, or to get a drink, or to make a phone call, or to leave because you're late for something. "Oh! I'm so sorry, please excuse me, I need to..." and make your getaway.

 

If you haven't cut it off before it happens, learn to say the equivalent of "let's do lunch" in a friendly way and then change the subject.

 

Guy working up to asking you out: Have you been to that new Italian restaurant?

 

You: I really like Italian food! But with all the working out I've been doing lately, I just can't let myself indulge like that.

 

Then, you can take it in a couple of directions. You can add, before he gets a word in edgewise: "Oh, I'm so sorry, will you please excuse me, I need to..." or "Oh, I have to tell you about my kickboxing class!" And then leave, or ramble about kickboxing until the moment has passed and he changes his mind about asking you out to that new Italian restaurant.

 

And, if all of that fails, learn how to say, "Thank you so much for the invitation, but I'm sorry, I'd rather not." With practice, you'll learn to deflect long before you're asked out.

[denise_xo]

I am starting to think that I am more attractive than I have given myself credit for most of my life, because of issues with my super critical dad, my own perfectionism, and all those weights around my neck.

 

But I'm beginning to unburden them from me. My dad and I are making peace. I am doing detective work with my sisters and brothers, figuring out why he has been so critical. He's been judging his own shortcomings, not actually those of his kids. It's the darkness is his heart that has inked everything up. Now that his health is failing and he feels his body and life breaking down, we are REALLY talking for the first time ever. It's... weird and kind of amazing.

 

I've always been very sensitive, and I've struggled with self-esteem for years. I think I am making some breakthroughs and getting in touch with the core of my strengths, grace. I have felt so strong through this, open hearted and full of compassion for him, while still protecting my own feelings and keeping myself strong.

 

My business is beginning to improve and grow exponentially, which I hope will earn me the money I need to do the things I want -- all creative and wild, like recording an album, making experimental theater again, establishing several nonprofits that are working on the world's problems.

 

This stuff is huge. And long overdue.

 

The challenge for me will be not to fear the evolution, not to turn back from the bright future. I hope y'all can be some part of helping me with that.

 

Ruby, what a nice post - I'm happy for you! As has been discussed in various other threads on this forum, a key to attractiveness is simply feeling confident, attractive and at ease/peace with yourself. It sounds like that's some of the things that are being strengthened in you right now beyond the better diet etc that you referred to in your OP.

 

There's no turning back :-) just go with life and enjoy your new opportunities. Why fear it??

[jamesum]

As a guy, I can only imagine how it would feel turning heads wherever I go.

 

It must be awesome if I can do that.

 

I mean it probably doesnt even happen to Brad Pitt.

 

If you dont want too much attention, all you have to do is look less attractive. Testosterone pressure can take over a man's mind in a split second. Its not their fault.

Edited August 8, 2010 by jamesum

[denise_xo]

As a guy, I can only imagine how it would feel turning heads wherever I go.

 

It must be awesome if I can do that.

 

I mean it probably doesnt even happen to Brad Pitt.

 

If you dont want too much attention, all you have to do is look less attractive. Testosterone pressure can take over a man's mind in a split second. Its not their fault.

 

I don't understand - are you saying women don't turn heads at men? That's empirically false (I wouldn't turn mine for Brad Pitt, though).

 

My favourite is when you pass a stranger on the street, turn you head and then discover he has done the same. Your eyes meet for a few seconds and then you both walk on. That moment can be intensely sexy.

[jamesum]

I don't understand - are you saying women don't turn heads at men? That's empirically false (I wouldn't turn mine for Brad Pitt, though).

 

My favourite is when you pass a stranger on the street, turn you head and then discover he has done the same. Your eyes meet for a few seconds and then you both walk on. That moment can be intensely sexy.

Maybe Im weird, but I enjoy observing human behavior.

 

When I spot a good looking woman or man, somehow I always immediately look to the opposite sex around that person if they are paying attention to the good looking person or not.

 

So far, based on my observations I can conclude that women are much less likely to check out good looking men than the other way around.

 

But then again, I have to say probably thats because its harder for men to be attractive since they cant wear makeup so only few of them are that eye catching. And the horny hormones imbalance also doesnt help.

[denise_xo]

Maybe Im weird, but I enjoy observing human behavior.

 

When I spot a good looking woman or man, somehow I always immediately look to the opposite sex around that person if they are paying attention to the good looking person or not.

 

So far, based on my observations I can conclude that women are much less likely to check out good looking men than the other way around.

 

But then again, I have to say probably thats because its harder for men to be attractive since they cant wear makeup so only few of them are that eye catching. And the horny hormones imbalance also doesnt help.

 

You're not weird - I observe human behaviour for a living and it's a blast.

 

I wonder if women are just more discrete about it? I agree they usually don't blatantly stare in the same way that men often do.

[denise_xo]

 

If you dont want too much attention, all you have to do is look less attractive. .

 

I think there is an important difference between 'attractiveness' (includes physical, observable stuff such as nice body, sexy clothes, amount of make up or nail polish or whatever), and 'presence' (which is about radiating confidence and an 'I feel good about myself' kind of attitude). From what Ruby is posting, it seems to me that the attention she is receiving is as much related to (an increase in) the latter than in the former.

 

For the physical, observable stuff, I agree that there are situations where you want to look 'less attractive' (wear a long skirt rather than a short one, put on less make up etc.). For being 'present' it's not about making it less or more, it's about how you choose to project yourself and to what extent you tune in to the people around you.