Falling for best friends

[nekoyo]

Um, hi, I'm new to this forum... I hope it helps a little So here's the story.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We'd been living together, and it's quite a mess, since we still like each other, as in, we were so comfortable with each other and all that, but it simply didn't work out otherwise. (We have stopped having sex a whiile back)

 

A year ago I (24) met a guy who is a little younger than me (21), but otherwise we have the same interests, we laugh about the same things and have fun hanging out. I spent alot of time just with him alone, but I think he really just sees me as friend, whereas I am realizing that I'm pretty crazy about him. (So although there was never anything between us, my ex-bf's jealousy was kinda deserved.)

 

Now that I'm "free" again, I can't stop thinking about him. I mean the whole package: can't sleep, can't eat, feel distracted all the time because at the weirdest moments his face pops into my head and I have these daydreams about us, kissing... it's so horrible! I can't get on with the things I need to do, like finding a new flat, because even when I think of decorating a new room for myself or buying a new bed, I keep on imagining how he will visit me and stuff... you get the picture. Like I said, it's horrible and it feels like I'm a silly teenager all over again

 

My now ex-boyfriend used to be just like that - we hung out, were good friends for over a year, and suddenly we couldn't keep our hands off each other. The relationship we had was nice, but we fought so much that in the end I just couldn't stand it any longer and admitted that we were maybe too different in many respects. I don't know... :-(

 

So what I need most, now, I guess, is to be single and figure out what I want and need, get my life sorted out and all that. I haven't been single for years now, always slipped from one relationship into the next and they all failed... maybe my expectations were too high? I've seen a pattern emerge between too kinds of men I seem to be attracted to, and my ex-bf was the good looking, confident kinda guy. But even tho I think he's attractive still, we stopped having sex because I couldn't relax around him anymore. So it's not just about the looks.

 

Now this friend of mine, I think he's adorable, although not your typically handsome guy. He's sweet and caring and laughs alot, something that I find very attractive. I have absolutely no idea whether he even considers me in the category of "possible" girls to fall in love with. I basically have a list of things in my head that could be wrong: like he's not tall & muscular enough for me and that might one day annoy me - since I always fear I'm too tall or bulky for guys (I'm 171 cm and weigh approx. 68 kilos... so normal, I know, but still freaks me the hell out ) ; he probably likes skinnier girls (I'm slim but no hunger model...) or smaller girls (I'm almost his height)...

but inspite of all these things I find myself staring at pictures of him, I feel uncomfortable when he's not around (we IM alot...) and when he turns up, whether on the internet or in real life, it's like the sun rising.

 

Aside the fact that I don't know about his feelings, I find myself doubting my own. I have fallen for guys head over heels before, alot, and I get this crazy fixation with them when I do. So maybe I am not really in love with him, even tho it sure feels that way, but I'm rather just looking for another man to focus on instead of dealing with my own life and problems.

I am totally confused. We're meeting up with a friend, movie night for 3, on thursday, and even though the travelling there will be an inconvenience for both of us, we're doing it; and it's these moments when I wonder whether he wants to see me too, or simply has nothing better to do that night.

 

I want to get to know him better, to understand him and stuff, but I am also afraid that when I do, I won't always like what I see and my giddy feelings might change. Of course, that would then show me what's what, but I practically covet these feelings so much that when I'm not in love, obsessing over something I cannot have, I almost feel like something's missing.

Gosh, this sounds all so crazy! And right now there's nothing I can do - I have to physically stop myself from contacting him all the time like some needy kid, for fear of freaking him out with my clingyness. And still I cannot get this out of my head...

 

I know there's no real question here, but maybe someone has had similar experiences or some good advice to share.

[zebracolors]

So what I need most, now, I guess, is to be single and figure out what I want and need, get my life sorted out and all that. I haven't been single for years now, always slipped from one relationship into the next and they all failed... maybe my expectations were too high? I've seen a pattern emerge between too kinds of men I seem to be attracted to, and my ex-bf was the good looking, confident kinda guy. But even tho I think he's attractive still, we stopped having sex because I couldn't relax around him anymore. So it's not just about the looks.

 

Hello Nekoyo, welcome.

 

I can actually relate to this more then I would have thought

[nekoyo]

Hi zebra, thank you for your answer. It's good to know that others know what it's like - even if there is really no solution but to wait and be patient... I guess.

[always available]

I can relate all too well. Except I am you (i'm a male), and my very very very good freind was a girl. We met in college and hit it off instantly. We had so much fun together and since I never had a gf before and never had a girl this attractive interested in me, i instantly fell for her. If i was more experienced, we would have dated her right away but the fact that I wasn't caused me to push her away and fall into the freinds zone. I didn't show any interest after she got a bf but just had fun with her. Eventually she broke up with him and we started dating.

 

I think that you should wait for the right moment to strike. Thats what i did with her and thats how i got her. They say "Once in the freinds zone, always in the freinds zone", but i disagree. I got out.

 

When it comes to your feelings about someone that you are unsure about but have an amazing connection with, its worth the chance to go after it. Problem is, being a girl or a guy, you don't want to be too clingy. But if he is continuing to hang out with you without any problems, he must enjoy your company as much as you do his.

 

I am also one of those that love challenges and feel if i get something and find out what its like I won't want it anymore. And unfotunately thats exactly what happened. Once I had her, i didn't want her anymore (of coarse there were other factors involved). Now, don't take that the wrong way. I'm wierd like that and its not normal. We are not together anymore and not a day goes by that I dont think about her and regret breaking up with her.

 

You shouldn't worry about the physical aspects of him (although it does matter), because once you date him and express those romantic feelings you say you have for him in a physical manner, looks won't matter. (by the way, not to hit on you or anything, but your body type is perfect: 5'6" and 150 lbs!!! AWESOME). He won't have a problem finding you attractive because you are skinny unless he wants anorexic skinny. I know alot of people who don't match society's standard of a "good looking couple".

 

A few words of warning though. I do suggest finding out about yourself before getting into another relationship. Your feelings for your ex must be gone to be fair not only to your new boyfreind, but yourself as well. Thats what caused the start of an avalanche that ended my relationship a few months after i dated the girl i was in love with. I could see she wasn't into me as much as i was into her and knew it had to do with her ex. Once I broke up with her, however, she took a 180 degree turn and fell head over heals for me, although in my head it was too late (stupid for me to give up btw). Additionally, if you discover yourself and stay single, you will not want to get into a relationship because you feel lonely, but because you genuinly want to be in a relationship with someone.

 

P.S. don't feel like a teenager, im your exact age and still act like you. ITS LOVE. . . ITS COMPLICATED!

 

Hope this helps.

[Simulacraton]

I can totally sympathise with this. I'm in the same boat right now, except I told her how I felt. We are still friends, but it is very difficult right now for me, though I am hiding it as you are, and trying not to be too needy! It's as if the testosterone has been sucked out of me! Feel like a bit of a wuss.

 

All I can say is apply some distance OR tell him frankly how you feel, but dont lay it on too thick and send him running, or you may destroy the relationship totally...which actually, may not be such a bad thing for your mental health!

[nekoyo]

I think that you should wait for the right moment to strike. Thats what i did with her and thats how i got her. They say "Once in the freinds zone, always in the freinds zone", but i disagree. I got out.

When it comes to your feelings about someone that you are unsure about but have an amazing connection with, its worth the chance to go after it. Problem is, being a girl or a guy, you don't want to be too clingy. But if he is continuing to hang out with you without any problems, he must enjoy your company as much as you do his.

 

Thank you so much for your answer :-) I just spend a great video night with him and another friend, and we both slept on the couch and ended up talking til 6 in the morning. Although I was really giddy, I really preferred just to chat, it felt so great to have a friend like that. But the way he acted the whole night and following day, I think maybe I shouldn't worry too much, I guess he really likes me. Jeesh, after all the depressing time, this night and day my mood was so up all the time, it was exhilerating ^^

 

You shouldn't worry about the physical aspects of him (although it does matter), because once you date him and express those romantic feelings you say you have for him in a physical manner, looks won't matter. (by the way, not to hit on you or anything, but your body type is perfect: 5'6" and 150 lbs!!! AWESOME). He won't have a problem finding you attractive because you are skinny unless he wants anorexic skinny. I know alot of people who don't match society's standard of a "good looking couple".

That's nice of you to say I am always too self-conscious about my weight and looks, I guess society kinda drills that into your brain. So thanks! I think you're right. I mean he may not be a model, but whenever he looks at me, my heart skips a beat... and that means more than anything else

 

And thanks also for the warning. I know, and it's a good thing I'm going away for August and he'll be on a trip in September, so we have some time off... for me to think and relax

 

@Simulacraton: I am sorry for your situation... I think that's what we are all afraid of :-( I am also trying not to lay it on too thick, but I think I won't say anything anyway for a while and just see how it develops now. I am so happy though, suddenly, and I think I'll just enjoy the good feelings I have before turning them into something potentially sad...

[Simulacraton]

Nekoyo: Watch out for the 'roller-coaster effect' as I call it. This is where you have spent some quality time with him/her and feel secure and relieved for a while, until you start to miss them and your imagination starts running wild again, and you start going downhill on that roller-coaster...

 

Thanks for the comments about my situation, it is hurting like hell.

[nekoyo]

I know what you mean. When you stop seeing them, you start going over the last conversation you had, or other occasions and start to think too detailed about everything. I have to force myself all the time not to read too much into every little thing! I try very much just to relax and just let things evolve, but there's this nagging little person in me who's very impatient

 

I know nothing really helps, but I hope you feel better soon.

[nekoyo]

So I'm on holiday now, well kinda not, I'm simply home visiting my parents. I thought it would be good to be away from him and everything for a while, but I cannot get him out of my mind.

Or at least, I couldn't. For the first few days, I only had to slacken my interest in a conversation and I'd see his face. I stuck a picture of him in my diary/setchbook before I left and kept looking at it all the time. Gosh, I behaved like a crazy teenager.

And then, this feeling started to fade, obviously, as it always does when I haven't seen him for a while, but, as usual, he still sticks in the back of my head all the time. I keep cheking the computer for messages although I should just relax and enjoy my holidays. I wonder a lot whether he is thinking of me at all.

I feel like someone who's been on a happy/giddy drug and is now on withdrawal. Like where he kept me artificially up, up and up, there's suddenly nothing. I feel depressed for no reason, spent a whole day in bed or on the couch dozing, it's like I have been totally exhausted by everything that has happened over the last month. The breakup is still in my head, and I am getting overly pessimistic about love and relationships when I think of it. Although I know this one wasn't meant to be, I keep blaming myself.

I watch my parents, who have been married for ages and still totally adore each other. And then I see that just being infatuated with someone, although it's a beginning, is not the main idea. Sure, I'm crazy about him, but maybe I need to sit back and see what I want out of life first, and stop wanting to be with someone all the time! Then again, he's got me so preoccupied, I can hardly breathe without thinking about him, and so I wonder - do I ignore those feelings because its better for me not to be in love for once? Can I even do that? I don't think I'm strong enough. But I want to be

I am so uncertain about everything right now, that I'm not even certain if my feelings are true or just "hormones".

 

My best friend (actually another ex from way back but a great friend now) told me a few weeks back when I explained the dílemma: if there are superficial things he doesn't like about me then he's not worth me. I never thought about it that way. I never thought that I could actually be "too good" for anyone... I always just kinda assumed that I should be glad if someone wanted me and wanted to stay with me. I think I have the lowest self esteem ever for someone who really has nothing to complain about in life stupid, stupid, stupid.

[IKnowBetter]

I have fallen for my friend too. I don't want to post any details for fear of jinxing anything (it's all still up in the air) but just wanted to say this thread is helping me. I look for an update every day.

[gopher]

So I'm on holiday now, well kinda not, I'm simply home visiting my parents. I thought it would be good to be away from him and everything for a while, but I cannot get him out of my mind.

Or at least, I couldn't. For the first few days, I only had to slacken my interest in a conversation and I'd see his face. I stuck a picture of him in my diary/setchbook before I left and kept looking at it all the time. Gosh, I behaved like a crazy teenager.

And then, this feeling started to fade, obviously, as it always does when I haven't seen him for a while, but, as usual, he still sticks in the back of my head all the time. I keep cheking the computer for messages although I should just relax and enjoy my holidays. I wonder a lot whether he is thinking of me at all.

I feel like someone who's been on a happy/giddy drug and is now on withdrawal. Like where he kept me artificially up, up and up, there's suddenly nothing. I feel depressed for no reason, spent a whole day in bed or on the couch dozing, it's like I have been totally exhausted by everything that has happened over the last month. The breakup is still in my head, and I am getting overly pessimistic about love and relationships when I think of it. Although I know this one wasn't meant to be, I keep blaming myself.

I watch my parents, who have been married for ages and still totally adore each other. And then I see that just being infatuated with someone, although it's a beginning, is not the main idea. Sure, I'm crazy about him, but maybe I need to sit back and see what I want out of life first, and stop wanting to be with someone all the time! Then again, he's got me so preoccupied, I can hardly breathe without thinking about him, and so I wonder - do I ignore those feelings because its better for me not to be in love for once? Can I even do that? I don't think I'm strong enough. But I want to be

I am so uncertain about everything right now, that I'm not even certain if my feelings are true or just "hormones".

 

My best friend (actually another ex from way back but a great friend now) told me a few weeks back when I explained the dílemma: if there are superficial things he doesn't like about me then he's not worth me. I never thought about it that way. I never thought that I could actually be "too good" for anyone... I always just kinda assumed that I should be glad if someone wanted me and wanted to stay with me. I think I have the lowest self esteem ever for someone who really has nothing to complain about in life stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

In your first post you said that later on he may not be tall enough or muscular enough for you...maybe one of his friends would say the same thing to him.

[always available]

Well. If you are obsessing over him this much, I don't see it as just hormones. I have been obsessed with someone before but I knew it wasn't real feelings when i was out with my friends and wanting to talk/flirt with other girls just for fun. Your feelings sound genuine to me. About you being in a relationship all the time. At first it will seem hard and depressing but over time, it gets better. You will go aroung and start having fun, experiencing life without a bf, going out to clubs/bars (or your preference for a friday night), and realize that you have plenty of freinds to keep you company and keep your mind off of your love life for a while. Given the fact that everyone on this planet ,at least some way, is looking for love, it won't seem as such a big deal.

 

I dated someone who couldn't ever be single, and she hasn't been for 5 years (many bf's not just one). She is a mess. GREAT GIRL, personality, spirit, looks but has emotional problems. She is desperate for companionship, jealous, has low self esteem, and gets depressed easily. Don't be like her. She has what she THINKS she wants, a relationship, but yet is still not happy. Thats because it won't make you happy. THere is more to life than love of a companion. Love life! love your freinds, love your family. Figuring out yourself is so much more rewarding to yourself than having someone else make you feel good about yourself.

[nekoyo]

In your first post you said that later on he may not be tall enough or muscular enough for you...maybe one of his friends would say the same thing to him.

 

Good point. The more I think about that - it's like I've fallen for him inspite of everything... it makes me happier than anything else to be with him, and even if there's nothing more at first, I'd enjoy that... And the fact that I continually fantasize about him in other ways too may mean that I am less superficial than I fear..?

 

 

@always available:

 

Thanks so much for your advice! I know what you mean, I think it will be more fun I don't want to be that kind of person you described, starving for a relationship when I have other great fulfilling things in my life. I think I might make a better companion myself if I was less needy because I am enjoying life. You are so right, thanks so much for saying this

 

I am kindof getting the hang of it now, I think... I made up my mind though: I will try to find out whether there can be anything between us, but I am going to take it extreeemly slow. I know that I don't want a relationship right now. And I'll stick to that. But if, in the next couple of months, it turns out that he likes me back, I won't deny my feelings... and if he doesn't, I'll learn to get over it, somehow.

 

@IKnowBetter:

 

I am glad that reading this helps you... fingers crossed that you have a happy ending yourself...

[nekoyo]

Okay, the newest turn of events isn't really a turn of anything... except that I had a chat with one of my best friends, a girl who also know Mr. guy in question well.

 

She basically said that my chances are bad, that he is probably noot seeing me as anything but a friend, that he is younger and more immature than me and has too ideal expectations of relationships right now. she thinks hes the "protector" kinda guy, and I am "superiour" to him in certain ways, when it comes to relationships.

 

I am in tears, mostly because I think she might be right - I have probably just interpreted his actions the way I wanted... and my fears are not ungrounded but very much grounded in the fact that we may not be suited for each other.

 

I have no idea what to do now, except try to give my stupid infatuation up and get a life.

[IKnowBetter]

Ugh, that's tough. My sister was seeing a guy with a similar age difference when she was in her early 20's. It took him a little bit to settle into the idea. They are married now.

[nekoyo]

Hey, thanks, that's good to hear.

 

So me and my good-advice-friend had another chat about this since I was so down, and I basically got kinda wound up and said, well, but look here, all these things we did together... and explained how he behaved and the things he said etc. She then almost yelled at me in jest, because she said that I should've mentioned these things earlier, that she was only judging from seeing us together when we were all out, and she had no idea that we had been meeting privately so often. She then agreed with my interpretation of these "signals".

 

She still maintains he's too immature, but the age difference is not that much. He's 21 and I'm 24 - and I don't come off as adult or too old. I often even get asked ID, how annoying is that... so maybe it's not so bad.

Yes, he's had little relationship experience and I've had plenty.

 

The great thing is, I've realised that he does not behave differently when we are alone or when we are out with our other friends. My now-Ex always became a different person when we were out! That made me feel weird and I never knew where we stood on many things because of this.

 

But with him now, he behaves like a friend in private and he's not ashamed to talk about things with me nobody else gets (we're both total nerds) even when we're out with friends. He even enjoys that, I think. maybe he cannot imagine me as a girlfriend.. but maybe if I can show him I like him as he is and that he doesn't need to become some superhuman for me, he might consider having a girlfriend who's maybe not a cookie cutter girly girl.

 

After this talk with my best friend, I feel so much better. Like someone lifted a weight off my chest. She told me that she has been secretly wondering whether I had feelings for him, and now she wasn't surprised. I am glad I let her know, since she also knows him and gave me realistic advice.

 

I still get the heart flutters and stuff tho We had another nice chat conversation last night. What I think is noteworthy that since I left to visit my parents, the conversations with him have become more.. intimate, like him saying stuff like "oh no, if they're trying to get you, I'll protect you" (we were joking about something...) or he showed me this picture of a big rock in norway that he climed once, and I'm afraid of heights, and he said "I'll hold you"... gosh, I know these things could just be friendly, but I cannot help but interpret and interpret...

[IKnowBetter]

I still get the heart flutters and stuff tho We had another nice chat conversation last night. What I think is noteworthy that since I left to visit my parents, the conversations with him have become more.. intimate, like him saying stuff like "oh no, if they're trying to get you, I'll protect you" (we were joking about something...) or he showed me this picture of a big rock in norway that he climed once, and I'm afraid of heights, and he said "I'll hold you"... gosh, I know these things could just be friendly, but I cannot help but interpret and interpret...

 

That is so sweet! Even if he doesn't "like" you (which I think it sounds like he could), he clearly views you as a very dear friend. I would love a guy to say that stuff to me... but I'm old.