My husband found out.

[VivianLee]

My husband found out about my affair. He had suspected something was wrong. He put a keyboard logger on my computer. The odd thing is, he got most of his information from a post I was going to post here but decided not to. My father has been in a "all of the sudden" life or death situation which coincided with my husband finding out. He wasn't going to confront me because of all that was going on but I knew he was acting so odd (for lack of better words) so I took some time away from the hospital and sat down and asked. He told me that he knew I was having an affair, how long it had been going on and with whom (he's met the guy before). He told me he loved me and wanted to work things out.

 

The irony of it all was I had planned on ending things because of moral reasons. As my Daddy fought for his life and told us goodbye, I realized I couldn't pray, it was then I felt that breaking things off and repenting was my only way to pray for my Daddy....just my belief...

 

My teen daughter knows about the affair also, I wish my hubby hadn't told her, not for my sake but hers. She asked me tons of questions and will say some hurtful things when she's angry. I could really use some advice on how to handle her. I've got to find a balance between understanding she needs to vent but that she still needs to give me some sort of respect and obey me even if I've "broken the rules".

 

I feel badly that I've hurt my family but I can't cry or anything. I just feel numb and a bit hopeless. I haven't had a chance but to talk briefly to the OM and breaking up with him is going to destroy him but it's something I am doing and had already planned to do....

 

I do love my husband but between both of our affairs, I wonder if there's hope for us? We are seeking counseling and getting individual help too.

 

After all that has been said and done....being "the one cheated on" and "the cheater".....I truly believe that affairs are never the answer.....some of you may have had wonderful satisfaction with your affairs BUT it becomes alot less wonderful, exciting and satisfying when you are caught and you see the hurt in your family's eyes....

 

There are rules set aside in life, whether moral, ethical or laws of the land, they are here for a reason, I believe the main reason is not just for order in life but to protect ourselves from ourselves!!

[Bronzepen]

Experience is the best teacher but even then people never learn.

 

In your case, you found out the hard way why cheating is not worth it. I am very sorry.

 

You have a lot of work ahead of you now. At this moment, you have lost your crediblity and admiration from your family. Especially your daughter.

 

Just remember this, she is your daughter and your her mother. She will always love you. Right now, your daughter doesn't understand your actions and is hurting right now. Try to keep open communication with your daughter. Try to answer all her questions honeslty and clearly. Use your judgement. Everyone is hurting now.

 

This will take time to heal. Seek counseling for yourself and your family if you feel it's neccessary.

 

 

again....I am very sorry.

[VivianLee]

Thank you Bronzepen...it will take time....

[EnigmaXOXO]

My heart aches, Vivian. For you, for your husband, and most of all for your little girl. I wish there was some way in this world I could turn back the clock for your family and make it all go away. If we could just start all over again and do it differently this time, it would be so much easier that way...wouldn't it?

 

I've been that daughter and I know how she is feeling at this very moment. Its as if the ground has fallen out from beneath her feet. The best way to try and empathize with what she might be thinking is to try and remember back to when you were her age. Try to imagine how you might have felt if discovering your mommy had hurt your daddy that way. What could your mother have said to you that might help you to work through your anger, pain and confusion. If you were in her shoes, what steps could be taken by your parents to help you deal with your precarious place in this family crisis?

 

When dealing with children, its always important to reverse the role and become that child. Try to see the situation through their eyes, then respond in the way you might think would be most effective.

 

Remember, she feels totally helpless right now. The situation has been; and will always be; out of her control. The important thing is to make her feel as if she is an important part of your family’s recovery while at the same time removing her from any accountability for your problems. Whatever you do, don't place any responsibility for your choices upon her --- however inadvertantly. Don't tell her you stayed in your unhappy relationship "for her." She may blame herself for your marital woes and the subsequent affairs and feel guilty. Its not fair.

 

Reassure her OFTEN that you love her and that she is the most important person in your life. Tell her that what she is thinking and feeling is of the utmost importance to you. BE accountable to her! Encourage her to express her feelings, even if she is angry. Remind her that her feelings are absolutely valid and she has every reason to feel the way she does. If she begins to shout and lash out at you, try to bring the tension level down by responding to her in a calm voice. If it gets to be too much, excuse yourself for an hour or so but promise her you will resume the conversation once she has calmed down. Then try again, and don’t avoid it. Try to LISTEN to what she is saying rather than dominate the conversation with explaining your side of it. She NEEDS to be heard.

 

Apologize, often. It’s okay for parents to say “I’m sorry.” Children need to understand that while we place our parents upon pedestals they are not perfect. Adults screw up ---ROYALLY --- and there is no shame in asking our children for forgiveness. Its helps them to understand that as humans, we all stand on equal ground.

 

She’ll be mad, Vivian, and indeed this is something she will remember for the rest of her life. But she will ALWAYS love you unconditionally and she will forgive you LONG before you’ve forgiven yourself.

 

When the wreckage is cleared, and your family is finally on the way to recovery, the work of undoing the damage will have just begun. By rescuing your marriage, your daughter may gleam a positive example of how a real relationship is suppose to work…but you will have to instill in her the same lesson you have learned about infidelity and affairs --- That they ARE NOT a solution to life “happily ever after.” Hopefully, with hard work and vigilance, you will be able to break that cycle of dysfunction for her so that she will be better prepared for her own relationships in the future…as my own mother did for me.

 

God bless, Vivian…and I wish you all the best of luck with utmost sincerity!

[VivianLee]

Thanks for sharing your own painful story EnigmaXOXO to help someone else...it means alot! This is awesome advice that I will be sure to use....

 

I feel like such a hypocrite before her eyes and I know she feels that I am because when she confronted me one of the things she said was; "How am I supposed to listen to all the things you tell me about how to behave and to act with boys, when you've done this?" A very legitimate question but I calmly told her that since I haven't been a good example, she should learn from my bad example and not repeat what I've done and continue to do the right thing.

 

My poor baby has been through this with both parent's, who are looked at by the outside world as very spiritual people.....there is so much damage to repair but so little time, she graduates next year. As much as I love her, it seems that her finding out would have been enough to have not gotten into this affair in the first place. I feel so badly for her, it just breaks my heart!!

 

I'm going to take all the good advice I get and apply it!!

 

Thanks again!

[meanon]

Vivian I was really sorry to read about what has happened. I'm sure there is hope for your marriage - you both want it to work and that counts for a lot. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well - please do let us know when you need support. Enigma gives wise advice on how to help your daughter. When it hurts just remember that she knows she has your unconditional love and that, in the end, will be more than enough.

[missinhim]

Protect us from ourselves you say - Well I reached 40 and knew I had to find out who I really was.

 

I knew i was not the obedient daughter, wife, church member, etc that I had been living because "I was supposed to". I had to know the other side of me and what "I" really wanted.

 

I got back with a person I dated before I married and had what started out as an emotional affair. It went beyond that. I have to say, even with everything I have been taught and believed in and practiced - I didn't feel real guilty.

 

My husband is a good man but he can be a selfish butt sometimes too. I have come up empty in this long relationship and I needed some attention.

 

I feel now that I know the person inside of me and I can't make excuses to my children or husband because that is who I really am.

 

But I am back at playing "who I am supposed to be". I feel like it is going against the saying, "To thine own self be true". It is anything but...

 

You don't owe your daughter an explanation - some things cannot be explained. She cannot see your view/feelings that caused you to stray in the first place.

 

My own children do not know what a 'challenge' living with their father has been at times.

 

I care deeply for the OM but I will stay in my marriage and long for him silently when by myself or when I lay down to sleep.

 

It is so very hard...

[LiYojeria]

I am living on the other side of your situation. I am cheating on my husband, but I don't have any children, AND hubby doesn't know that I'm stepping out. Today will be my 1st day of counseling to figure out why I don't have the love I should for my husband. Basically to figure out, where my feelings went wrong?

 

What you really need to ask yourself or a therapist is WHY YOU NEEDED THIS AFFAIR? I don't care how many people scold you about what you did, this affair was done for a reason.

What ever has gone wrong in your marriage, an affair was how you coped with it, And your husband may have other ways to deal with his maritial frustrations. Maybe like ignoring you, or not pulling his weight at home, or what ever. You just had different ways to deal with it.

 

Counseling is the only way to work these things out. Find out what made you vunerable to an affair and start there.

 

What we don't know is what type of husband you have. So nobody can really judge you for what you did. Who knows, he could be a complete moron.

 

The only person that should be judging you is God.

Not these hypocrites on this web site.

 

Remember, NO SIN IS ABOVE ANOTHER.

[sami]

I really feel sorry for you. We all do mistakes out of weakness and temptations. Try to work it through with your daughter whom I feel sorry for her too. I don't think your husband has the righ to tell her. She is the true victim in your case.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You can't demand love and respect from your children. You have to earn it. With both her father and mother having affairs, hurting one another and her twice over, I can understand her pain. It's a pain no one thinks about when they're stepping out.