The Best Revenge You Can Get

[pureinheart]

Ladygaga, I can totally understand. My feelings about my MM are much the same and we’re still together. A lot of the time I very much would like to see my MM go through the misery of dday for no other reason then I think (a lot of times) he deserves it. And as egotistical/shallow/insecure as it may sound I totally subscribe to the “I’m younger, prettier, thinner so he couldn’t possible be as happy with her as me” when it comes to physical attraction (MM has confirmed this). So even if MM’s M survived he’d never really be happy or happy with her.

 

It’s called “schadenfreude” (german) meaning the act of deriving pleasure from someone else’s misery or misfortune. I don’t think it’s healthy for the person longterm, but I don’t think it’s right or wrong. I think it’s normal to be bitter, angry or even vengeful at someone who had purposefully/intentionally deceived or wronged you and personally I have schadenfreude many people. But I do believe (and from personal experience) that you’d probably feel much freer once you release that resentment. It may take weeks; it may take years, but you’ll notice a difference within yourself when you do.

 

Personally, it doesn’t matter to me whether you’re comparable in blame or not (i.e. staying in the R). If he deliberately and continuously lied to you, particularly when you were being open and honest and trusting of him, you have every right to feel whatever and however you choose to feel.

 

Sky, you are so real...I love to read your posts. I am learning how to be direct, and getting there, although not there yet...

 

Yep, your right it's so free to be free from hate, resentment and bitterness...excellent post Sky:)

[Hazyhead]

He screwed you over with your own help. Own YOUR part in this. You chose to believe him, over and over again.. You chose to have an affair with a MM.

 

Relationships end, singles or in affairs. He has every right to walk away anytime, as do you.

 

Best revenge is to let go and move on with your life.

 

Gaga, I think if you did this - take responsibility for your part in it, then you wouldn't receive such, as you view them, 'mean' posts. It is a part of maturing. Did you know he was married? Did you know he had a two year old? Was there any point in which you thought that what you were engaging in might be, in any way, wrong?

 

Think hard about the steps you took to get yourself here; you made a choice - you CHOSE to go out with somebody who was married to someone else. I'm sorry that you are hurting and angry, really, but accepting that you did this might be your first step in healing and, God knows, knowing how and when you have made mistakes makes you far less likely to repeat the same behaviour.

 

I'm not saying he didn't treat you badly (although he gave you enough hints), I'm saying that you let him do this to you. Chin up, let the frustration go and move forward.

[jennie-jennie]

Slowly but surely, I'm getting over the breakup. I've been really pissed off and wanting to exact revenge on MM for screwing me over the last 9 months.

 

But then, 3 different friends told me this over the last week, that the best revenge I can get is to see their marriage suffer as it will never be the same.

 

A life of MC and trading books entitled "How to get over your affair" or "How to save your marriage" can't be all peaches and cream. So is the constant paranoia of thinking he would do it again. Imagine her going through his phone bills, bank statements and internet history. I would do that if I were the BS, and it definitely can't feel good for the MM.

 

What about the disgusted looks that friends and family will be shooting him for leaving home for 4 months? They can pretend it's OK, but they won't be thinking it's OK.Most of all, imagine the bad sex or non-existent sex after they try to get back together.. it would be like a jail-sentence...

 

Won't it?

 

I didn't check this thread out until just now, because I thought it would be yet one of those boring "The best revenge you can get is to live a full life" threads. This OP is refreshing! This is how you feel when you love someone and they deceive you. You don't go around feeling all those good feelings, you want "real" revenge and you can experience that through schadenfreude.

 

Eventually as time passes, this too will pass and you won't care at all anymore about the state of your MM's and his BS's marriage. But there is definitely a stage where you feel like the OP and I am glad, Ladygaga, you had the courage to express that here on LS.

 

Jthorne, the two graves must be for the WS and the BS!

[joey66]

I just love this thread. You ladies (and gentlemen) make me smile.

 

LG - Nobody (or almost nobody) is trying to be mean to you. I understand your hurt and your anger. But revenge won't make you feel better, not in the long term.

 

And I know many won't agree -- but you can't take what a MM says as the truth (going to get married and have babies). You have to see them actually take ACTION before you start believing what is coming out of the mouths in many times.

 

This is true of everyone, MM, MW, OM, OW, etc. MMs have not cornered the market on lying.

[RedDevil66]

I didn't check this thread out until just now, because I thought it would be yet one of those boring "The best revenge you can get is to live a full life" threads. This OP is refreshing! This is how you feel when you love someone and they deceive you. You don't go around feeling all those good feelings, you want "real" revenge and you can experience that through schadenfreude.

 

Eventually as time passes, this too will pass and you won't care at all anymore about the state of your MM's and his BS's marriage. But there is definitely a stage where you feel like the OP and I am glad, Ladygaga, you had the courage to express that here on LS.

 

Jthorne, the two graves must be for the WS and the BS!

 

NO Jennie, healthy, stable people, even when deceived DO NOT want to get revenge nor do they even think about it.

Not all anger leads to toxic thoughts.

Healthy people take their pain and make themselves better and don't focus on how to hurt others.

[Ellin]

NO Jennie, healthy, stable people, even when deceived DO NOT want to get revenge nor do they even think about it.

Not all anger leads to toxic thoughts.

Healthy people take their pain and make themselves better and don't focus on how to hurt others.

"Healthy people".... you mean Saints...

Yep, LS is full of them.

[xxoo]

Jthorne, the two graves must be for the WS and the BS!

 

What has the BS done to deserve such ill wishes?

 

Wanting revenge is a painful feeling. I have compassion for those experiencing it. I understand that desire for revenge is natural, if not healthy or useful.

 

I get the anger toward the WS. His actions hurt you. He earned your anger.

 

I also understand anger directed toward ourselves, when we recognize how our OWN actions hurt us.

 

What I don't get is anger toward the BS. What has she done to hurt the AP? How does she deserve anything but compassion, after being hurt by the actions of the WS and AP? Her hurt will be ongoing with or without revenge.

 

If you are going to dig a hole for the BS, then you'll have to dig three....

[jennie-jennie]

NO Jennie, healthy, stable people, even when deceived DO NOT want to get revenge nor do they even think about it.

Not all anger leads to toxic thoughts.

Healthy people take their pain and make themselves better and don't focus on how to hurt others.

 

I don't agree with you here, RedDevil, "considering revenge is a very human response to feeling slighted".

 

(Revenge and the people who seek it, Monitor on Psychology, June 2010)

Edited August 5, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[CrayonAngel]

"A beautiful woman at 20 is an accident of nature; a beautiful woman at 40 is a work of art; but a beautiful woman at 60+ is a loan from Heaven." -EmmyLou Harris

 

I totally understand your way of coping. BUT you need to lighten up and start moving forward with your life. His W should be none of your concern. Your comments are so shallow and it sheds light on maybe why he decided to go back to his W. He lied to you but I'm sorry, that comes along with the package in most MM. The best revenge you can get is moving on and figuring out why you chose to get yourself into a R with a MM at the age of 20. why...if you are so young, hot and sexually attractive could you not find a hot unattached single guy? The best revenge you can get is to move on happily.

[RedDevil66]

I don't agree with you here, RedDevil, "considering revenge is a very human response to feeling slighted".

 

(Revenge and the people who seek it, Monitor on Psychology, June 2010)

 

Ok, so this proves your point? You post some topic of some internet article and that means it's real and valid?!

[Mimolicious]

I didn't check this thread out until just now, because I thought it would be yet one of those boring "The best revenge you can get is to live a full life" threads. This OP is refreshing! This is how you feel when you love someone and they deceive you. You don't go around feeling all those good feelings, you want "real" revenge and you can experience that through schadenfreude.

 

Eventually as time passes, this too will pass and you won't care at all anymore about the state of your MM's and his BS's marriage. But there is definitely a stage where you feel like the OP and I am glad, Ladygaga, you had the courage to express that here on LS.

 

Jthorne, the two graves must be for the WS and the BS!

 

 

JJ there you are! I haven't seen you in a bit.

 

I'm actually disappointed that you would make a remark like this...

 

Jthorne, the two graves must be for the WS and the BS!

 

You have played the game, guess you found your comfort zone.

 

Right, we all know nothing last forever, not even feelings BUT also stand tall and own your actions.

 

This is how you feel when you love someone and they deceive you. You don't go around feeling all those good feelings, you want "real" revenge and you can experience that through schadenfreude.

 

Absofrickinglutely! Funny thing is if he would have left his W and 2y/o in the dust for Gaga, his BS would have been nothing but a "bitter", "hateful", "vindictive" oh and let's not forget "in her 30's and size L" notorious bitch who needs to "let it go" for feeling the bolded part above.

 

"I'm going to do this but if I don't come out on top, it is ON and everyone is gonna get it". That's actually an immature unhealthy approach about not getting the results you were hoping for. It's like a little girl playing a game of Candyland, she loses, yanks the board from underneath and throws all the pieces to the floor. Game over for everybody! If she can win then nobody does. Nice!

 

I must add, the OP has not crossed the line to actually acting out on her feelings of vengeance and I really hope for her own sake that she doesn't.

 

GAGA- Lusting after vengeance makes people physically and emotionally unhealthy and causes life to be dominated by suffering rather than joy. Vengeance begets vengeance, its like an unending cycle. Turn your rage into stength and something positive, so next time you know the difference OR you can choose to be a ticking bomb.

 

...you can be 30, L, with a 2yr old and your H can walk out on you and leave with some 20y/o hotness. Count your blessings because it can be a whole lot worse and trust me the world does turn!

Edited August 5, 2010 by Mimolicious

[blizzard]

LG-

I haven't had time to read everything posted...but I will say it sounds as if we could had the same MM! With the exception of wanting to continue our relationship while working on his marriage...um I think he was doing that with the OOW. Rumor has it anyway. This was my first affair. And last I am not sure I even thought of it as an affair b/c we both had one foot out of the door. I have been with one man for 15yrs, married 9. So I was a little naive and way too trusting. I was seperated. And I "thought" he was divorcing. It was just a matter of us both getting financially stable. He was signing a lease. Well, you know the story.

Like you, revenge would be sweet. I understand. I use to think about it every hour of the day. Now that I have been with NC for two months it isn't quite as strong. I find myself wanting to "help" the BS. I want her to save herself the time and energy on trying to piece their marriage back together. He wasn't 100% honest about her our affair. And sociopathic imo. So at times I still do feel like he hasn't had a good spanking... maybe she was too kind, a little territorial, naive and quick to decide in wanting to rebuild. I want her to "punish" him

[jthorne]

"Healthy people".... you mean Saints...

Yep, LS is full of them.

I guess that's why you're still here.

 

:lmao::lmao: This is epic! Another one bites the dust.

 

The bolded- I hope this is the same unbiased sentiment that you are going to have for your MM's W once your A is exposed.

 

You can subscribe to all you want but your subscription will eventually terminate. You may be a bombshell but your MM is still with his W, right? LMAO! Since you want to apply the "eye for an eye" principal with your rejoicing in someone else's misery (which, btw they seem to be created by you in this case) I hope that you are standing hard body when your time comes.

 

Your MM wont be happy with your or 35 other biotches. Once he dulls your shine, he'll be on to the next.

 

Now let me ask you- Unless your MM lied to you and said that he was a single dude. How exactly has he purposely and intentionally deceived or wronged you? Because you said that he deserves some little old “schadenfreude” himself, right? Yet, you still with him?

 

 

So you have rejoiced in many others misery? Nice! I guess your MM only sees skin deep.

 

Empty lives, empty souls...

BEST post on this thread! To another OW who need to get over herself. She's been in an A for years, knows the guy's not leaving, yet she chooses to stay. So instead of coming here for help, she comes here to sulk when her problem is entirely self-inflicted. I'll say the following to both OW:

 

You knew the guy was married. No one put a gun to anyone's head to have the affair. It's sad that you seem to think that your body is your only asset, and that sex is the way to get a man to love you. How shallow, and how truly sad. Until you get some self-respect, you are ripe for any Tom, Dick, and Harry to use you- married and single alike. And they will, because you bring it upon yourself.

 

So he lied. So he's an a-hole. This is what happens when you mess with married men. Stop playing the victim, because you aren't. Your choices brought you here. Own it.

 

Grow up.

Edited August 6, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[blizzard]

Slowly but surely, I'm getting over the breakup. I've been really pissed off and wanting to exact revenge on MM for screwing me over the last 9 months.

 

But then, 3 different friends told me this over the last week, that the best revenge I can get is to see their marriage suffer as it will never be the same.

 

A life of MC and trading books entitled "How to get over your affair" or "How to save your marriage" can't be all peaches and cream. So is the constant paranoia of thinking he would do it again. Imagine her going through his phone bills, bank statements and internet history. I would do that if I were the BS, and it definitely can't feel good for the MM.

 

What about the disgusted looks that friends and family will be shooting him for leaving home for 4 months? They can pretend it's OK, but they won't be thinking it's OK.Most of all, imagine the bad sex or non-existent sex after they try to get back together.. it would be like a jail-sentence...

 

Won't it?

 

I'm not sure this always happens. I would like to know he was watched from the time his a** got outta bed and he wiped crust from his eyes, every crap he took, until he snuggled safe and sound embraced in their bed. kwim? That's what most MM want anyway... attention. Appreciation? Understanding? Some MM may appreciate attention even if it is negative at times.

xMM has job where he is gone a few nights out of the week(not consistant), and he lives an active life...gym etc. So, I am sure he has freedom. The only freedom I bet he doesn't/won't ever have is traveling alone...and the use of the computer. His two favs!

I pray she is giving him scripture daily on marriage help books. Making him write book reports. I hope the counselor strips him naked of all the lies he has told. I would pray that he felt burning eyes upon him by friends and family and it made him cower or feel ashamed. But that would require a conscience.

I would love to know that she has him under his thumb and that he is miserable...

But, I doubt it.

Time heals hearts. Time is penance.

He will lay low awhile regaining trust, and thus...the cycle begins again.

Edited August 5, 2010 by blizzard

[blizzard]

I guess that's why you're still here.

 

BEST post on this thread! To another OW who need to get over herself. She's been in an A for years, knows the guy's not leaving, yet she chooses to stay. So instead of coming here for help, she comes here to sulk when her problem is entirely self-inflicted. I'll say the following to both OW:

 

Get a life. Really. Get over yourself. You knew the guy was married. No one put a gun to anyone's head to have the affair. It's sad that you seem to think that your body is your only asset, and that sex is the way to get a man to love you. How shallow, and how truly sad. Until you get some self-respect, you are ripe for any Tom, Dick, and Harry to use you- married and single alike. And they will, because you bring it upon yourself.

 

So he lied. So he's an a-hole. This is what happens when you mess with married men. Stop playing the victim, because you aren't. Your choices brought you here. Own it.

 

Grow up.

 

I'm going to be brief. I say Grow up to the one that thinks an affair is so cut and dry. Yes, you are correct. No one held a gun to my head. That would have been too quick...too easy.

Many affairs start as a friendship. Or even from former a friendship as in my case. And over time...years might I add, do you develop a relationship. Just sex would have been easy. Less victim-like. More fun really.

You should go out an befriend a sociopathic liar...it's a blast.

[Lishy]

I guess that is true. But then, I'm in my early 20s, and she's in her late 30s, I'm a size XS, she's a size L... we had sex everyday for the last 4 months, sometimes even 2-3 times a day.. I guess it might be an ego thing, but I don't understand how a man can retract from someone like me to her! LOL

 

I'm trying to understand his psyche, but I still don't understand. Perhaps it was the 2 year-old they had, perhaps, I don't know!

 

 

I can understand you being upset here, after all he has left you for her which shows you that you were nothing to him but a play thing and when push came to shove he didnt want the beefburger, he wanted the steak!

 

That is what happens when you mess with someone elses man I guess and it leave a bad taste in your mouth

 

I totally get why you are so upset

[In_Repair]

LG, I understand the desire for revenge now. I'm still not divorced myself, just separated. Men like your boyfriend are the reason that most women are so reluctant to trust someone in my position.

 

As for your method of "revenge", like others have said, I wouldn't be so sure. You are operating under a misconception. That tight little body looks good... but that's pretty much where it ends, at least in my experience. My last girlfriend was 21 and a size 0/2. She actually made fun of the 40 year old girlfriend before her, after finding a pair of her size 6 or 7(I think) panties in my closet. The whole time I was thinking "you know, you could learn a thing or two from that "old" lady". I've dated women from 20 years old to 47 years old, and I have to say, older women have the edge in a lot of ways.

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, so this proves your point? You post some topic of some internet article and that means it's real and valid?!

 

No. It expressed my opinion, but posting it as my words without giving the source would be breaching copyright.

[jthorne]

I'm going to be brief. I say Grow up to the one that thinks an affair is so cut and dry. Yes, you are correct. No one held a gun to my head. That would have been too quick...too easy.

Many affairs start as a friendship. Or even from former a friendship as in my case. And over time...years might I add, do you develop a relationship. Just sex would have been easy. Less victim-like. More fun really.

You should go out an befriend a sociopathic liar...it's a blast.

Seriously?!?!? Since when has getting involved with a sociopathic MARRIED MAN made anyone less responsible for engaging in an affair? The guy may be a liar, but he is still married. Unless they didn't disclose their marital status, the OW is NO VICTIM.

 

It is cut and dry. So what if they affairs start as friendship. The choice is made to cross that line. Same thing with the OP. She decided to get involved with a married man, knowing he was married. Actions have consequences. What she experienced was one of them.

Edited August 5, 2010 by jthorne

[ladygaga]

Seriously?!?!? Since when has getting involved with a sociopathic MARRIED MAN made anyone less responsible for engaging in an affair? The guy may be a liar, but he is still married. Unless they didn't disclose their marital status, the OW is NO VICTIM.

 

It is cut and dry. So what if they start as friendship. The choice is made to cross that line. Same thing with the OP. She decided to get involved with a married man, knowing he was married.

 

Hey, for the record, I dropped him at the 5 month mark and he came running, left his wife and moved out. You think I would put up with a married man living with his wife for more than 6 months? Hell no.

 

But fast-forward 4 months, I caught him cheating with escorts, he broke up with me, begged to get back for about a month but my feelings were different.. I finished the relationship and he said he would work it out with wife.. What a big load of Bullsh*t!

[jthorne]

Hey, for the record, I dropped him at the 5 month mark and he came running, left his wife and moved out. You think I would put up with a married man living with his wife for more than 6 months? Hell no.

 

But fast-forward 4 months, I caught him cheating with escorts, he broke up with me, begged to get back for about a month but my feelings were different.. I finished the relationship and he said he would work it out with wife.. What a big load of Bullsh*t!

I rest my case.

 

I leave you with this my friends, and I'm done with this thread:

"A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well." ~Sir Francis Bacon

Edited August 5, 2010 by jthorne

[torranceshipman]

LadyGaga this isn't about winning, but I get that you feel that way right now so.....do you realize you already won? You are young, single, beautiful, and now a lot wiser (if you choose to assimilate the information well and never repeat the MM type scenario, and always set your boundaries well). Whereas the xMM is just some failure of a man, weak and pathetic, who slimes around doing it with escorts and lies to his W all to feel like he is a bigger man. Oh dear. His poor W and family. And he must be pretty disgusted with what a failure he is deep down. He is still in the mire of dealing with the A (his W and counselloir and so forth will NEVER forget that) and his M is forever tainted by all this crap, whereas you can walk away free from all of it and start over.

 

I think it is good that you saw those emails to escorts as now you know that you lost nothing, and can be angry rather than ever pining for him...that makes it easier to move on. Just DON'T contact him again as he is really toxic.

[GordonDarkfoot]

Hey, for the record, I dropped him at the 5 month mark and he came running, left his wife and moved out. You think I would put up with a married man living with his wife for more than 6 months? Hell no.

 

But fast-forward 4 months, I caught him cheating with escorts, he broke up with me, begged to get back for about a month but my feelings were different.. I finished the relationship and he said he would work it out with wife.. What a big load of Bullsh*t!

 

 

LadyGaga, this is a very important moment in your life.

 

You are actually very very lucky that you only wasted a few months of your life in this relationship. It is time to move on and stop wasting time with it, that includes putting all thoughts of your MM, his BW, and revenge, out of your mind.

 

You are very young. You can now choose to turn over a new leaf and follow a path of integrity in your life. You acted without integrity by having an affair with a man whom you knew to be married; you selected a partner whom you knew lacked any integrity at all.

 

From now on, commit to only acting with a spirit of integrity. Do not do things for your own pleasure that you know will hurt others. That is called "selfishness."

 

Do not seek revenge upon your MM or his BW. For the truth is, the only person who deserves your vengeance is: yourself.

 

Remember: In all things, integrity.

[ladygaga]

LadyGaga, this is a very important moment in your life.

 

Remember: In all things, integrity.

 

 

Thank you so much, Gordon and torranceshipman.. it was really helpful.

[pureinheart]

I don't agree with you here, RedDevil, "considering revenge is a very human response to feeling slighted".

 

(Revenge and the people who seek it, Monitor on Psychology, June 2010)

 

Ok, so this proves your point? You post some topic of some internet article and that means it's real and valid?!

 

RD, it is a natural response...and I have known many who have followed through. Some direct and some indirect, we see it all of the time on these boards.

 

An indirect form would be verbage on these boards...such as melowomans thread in which a poster communicated the satisfaction of the shoe being on the other foot. No one flammed this poster because we all understand.

 

I have lost sleep at times acting out the scenes in my mind of verbal revenge to someone who has hurt me, also other ways eof exacting this revenge...I have never followed through, BUT the thought was there...it's a human reaction...no?