does she regret or is she just worried about money?

[You Go Girl]

I wonder...

if you do want her back as a woman who realizes what a horrible mistake she made and one that would value her family above all in life--

should you give her the message that there is no hope? Because I'd hate to see you do that in a tough way, and her believe it, then think to herself that the OM or some OM is better than nobody. She could end up thinking her only choice is the OM, especially if she is financially strapped.

She will choose to be with the OM if her only other choice is to not eat. So asking if the OM would sign the lease, I believe, was a mistake on your part.

I think the message you want to convey is that there is hope, but that she is going to have to prove herself over time. So the message should be that she go NC with the OM, not sign a lease with him.

Read a bunch of the Wayward spouse, wayward wife posts on here and you will see that most don't break out of the fog for years, long after there is any chance at reconciliation. You are the lucky H in that regard, many of these men wish that their W would have busted out of the affair fog before there was zero hope.

Edited August 13, 2010 by You Go Girl

[Corporate]

Well to me that was a success, i was able to hold my composure, communicate and get the message across to her that i was moving on and trying to deal with the few remaining issues between us. No matter what, i want everything resolved, no lose ends. That way no matter what happens, i am financially secure and my children wont have to worry about stability. today is a good day.

 

 

Way to go, Tank. I am proud of you!

[tank]

Thanks Corporate. I need to be firm. I need her to realize that i wont stand for her sh@#. This weekend she had the kids and she takes her to her cousins for her visit, and she trys to extend her visit. I hate her cousin, all she does is yell at my kids, i hear it everytime i am on the phone. I refused to allow her to keep the kids longer, and she didnt like that. I told her to bring the kids home or i would send the police to get them. The kids were home on time. I am sick of her selfishness. She is living a carefree life and i hope she crashes. I hope that when she realizes how unhappy the kids are when they are away from home just how much she is losing. She is letting those kids go. Unfortunatly I had a frien pass away this weekend, so it was very tough. We have to travel miles from home for the funeral. I dont even know if she is aware. Everyone came to the house for a bbq so we can plan the trip. I am taking my motorcycle in for a tribute on the tank and we are riding out for the funeral. About 30 of us going. Will feel odd with out her behind me, especially as this was such a long time friend. I cant say that i havent really missed having her here with me, to comfort me over this loss. This is hard, i have had her for that before and i really miss it now. I guess this is just a sad point and i have to realize i need to seek comfort with myself and family and friends. just a tribute "RIP MOOSE"

[tank]

So yesterday was a horrible day. My 14yr old stepson called me at work very upset. He had been fighting with his brother and at least he knew to call me when he lost control. About 5 mins. into the conversation he just lost himself, he was yelling and screaming and he told me he hated life, he didnt care if he was alive or dead. He actually said it would just be easier if he was dead. He brought me to tears on the phone. I left work at that point and headed home. Along the way i called my wife, big mistake. she called and spoke to him and told him he needed to call me and apologize for his call. He did actually call me and apologize to me. I told him i loved him and i was on my way home. his feelings were nothing to ever apologize for. I then called her back and unloaded on her. I told her she couldnt just sweep things under the rug, she cant tell her son what he needs to say or do. He needs to be able to express his emotions. She just didnt see that. She told me she knows how to talk to her son. Well she doesnt, she doesnt even know her son anymore. She cant see past herself. She is so self absorbed that she is unable to see what her children are going through. She actuall had the nerve to say, i know everyone blames me for this, its all my fault. What do you want me to do move home so everyone can be happy and i can be miserable? Are you kidding me? her life was so bad, coming home everyday to her 4 children and her family? I tried to keep my emotions in check but it was very hard. I told to just get her a@@ home as soon as she could. I got home and held my son and told him i loved him. he laid on the couch and put his head on my lap and just went to sleep. I sat there like that for 3 hrs just rubbing his head. Hes 14 yrs old, his dad doesnt give a crap about him, and now his mother has walked away. What in the hell am i supposed to do. I called his dr. to get him an emergency appointment. I dont think the counciling is doing enough, maybe he needs some meds. My mother has my nephew at her place so she called him during his moms visit and asked him to come and stay at her place, thankfully he said yes. At least he will be away from his brothers and sister and this house so maybe he can relax a little at grandmas. He isnt eating, he wakes up with nightmares, and all he wants to do is lay around. He is depressed and his mother just doesnt get it. Once she got to the house i left. My best friend took me out for a round of golf to help me clear my head. During this round, i realized what i had to do. I sent my wife an email last night. Laying it all on the line, she misses me, and i miss her. I said that our next meeting was on Sept. 1st at the lawyers and i think we need to cut the lawyers out and just go for coffee. We needed to talk and see if there is any glimmer of hope in not saving our past but reconnecting and seeing if we could have a future. I put it all out there for her. That i would be willing to sit with her and figure out the finances so we could afford for her to have a place close to home, so she could be near the family. I was sincere, I told her it would be the hardest thing we would ever do, but i dont want to walk away, did she really want to have 2 failed marriages? I said we owed it to ourselves, our family and to each other. I will put the effort in if she would. We would lay out some boundaries and use a separation for what is intended for, to work on ourselves and also on reconnecting with each other, to build a new life together if possible. I know that some people may say this was the wrong thing to do, but she is my wife, i still love her, i am very angry with her, but i need to let go of that anger. This is tearing me and my family apart. I cant let that happen. I need to put 100 % into this. I need to give everything i have into following my heart and listen to the needs and wants of myself and my children. I will say that after she got my email, her mother said she was in a good mood for the rest of her visit. She was happier, she even made comments about the dinner i had made for the family. See I cant even help that, i love to cook even on her days to feed them. My kids like my food, so i just made dinner the night before and i just had to be heated up.

 

This was kind of a last ditch effort for me, was this the wrong thing to do?

[What_Next]

Tank, that is bloody awful. First I see you are in Ontario as I am. If we live close enough to each other and you want to grab a coffee some time PM me.

 

Now, your son has so much on his plate that is hard to imagine what he is going through. You did the right thing, you got involved and did what a parent should do. This is NOT the time for tough love in my opinion. Your wife is on the outside looking in. Keep in mind that she doesn't see what you see every day. She took the easy road and you are doing the heavy lifting. NEVER EVER forget that.

 

I also don't believe that her coming home would necessarily help your boy in the long run. Look at what she said "What, I come home for everyone else and I be miserable". Sure she has the right to be happy, but from my chair not at the expense of everyone around her that she is supposed to love. I honestly believe that even if she did return it would only be a matter of time before she strayed again.

 

Now, reconciliation is your decision but don't take it lightly. Take some time to reflect on whether or not you really want it and the decision was not made out of an instinct to protect the boy.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[You Go Girl]

Tank, what a wonderful loving family man you are. There aren't very many out there as giving as you.

You didn't address my previous post at all, so I didn't know what you thought of what I said.

I think your email was the right choice. The reason I think this is because you care too deeply for your family to throw it away because of pride. As a Catholic, you know those 7 sins! I'm making a little joke here, but seriously, you see that your anger is not the answer to the problem. That you can set that anger aside and look at what is best for your family long-term is really commendable.

I think about your life and the lives of your family members long-term. And I think, the answer is for this family to find a way to reconnect and survive, and turn out a success story, with one horrible period in its history that was worked through and overcome, to end up a better family, with a Much better marriage.

Now the part is to see that your W does her part. And that certainly involves limited pleasures of family life until she proves herself over time. In otherwords, she reaps the rewards of your family as she earns them back again.

You tell her that exactly.

I am truly rooting for the survival of your family. I see few stories on here that have as much potential to be saved.

Your W needs to take a good hard look at what she values. You might try asking her that directly. Perhaps she could write down what she values, and hand it to you. It would be the beginning of getting her priorities in order again, and opening up the discussion. I forgot if you are in MC, or if she is in IC, but some counseling is needed here, at least with the priest if she is Catholic, or a professional.

Why she felt the desire to leave and stray is paramount. She does need to better understand herself, or she won't be able to fix whatever the problem is. She surely needs to better communicate with you, so that in the future, should you reconcile, things that make her unhappy would never blow up to this degree. She needs to grow up too. 4 children and no sense of responsibility to them is a big issue.

Has she gone NC with the OM? Nothing can be accomplished until that is.

I am really hoping that your W can understand just how childish and selfish she has behaved. But remember behind that childish selfish behavior is a woman who doesn't understand HERSELF. So the judgment words such as childish and selfish, are really about her confusion.

However, texting you that she misses you, etc., going right for the instant gratification soft spot in your heart, is NOT doing the work that needs to be done on her part. That's too easy, and will solve nothing. She has WORK to do, values to consider, losses to consider, and to realize that this is no game of life, this is serious, and the consequences can and will be just as serious--total loss of her family.

[tank]

YGG, I am sorry for not responding to your last post. Idid see your point of view. I guess in my mind i have been trying to make her life easy and she has taken advantage of that since she left. I was trying to stand up to her. Nothing seems to work with this women. She is all over the map and I am getting very mixed signals. That email last night laid it all out. I am willing to put effort forth as long as we are trying to discover each other and see if there is anything left for us as a married couple. I know she cannot come home yet. I knowit would just result in utter caos and she wouldnt stay. I am asking her to listen to her heart and make a small committment to seeing if our relationship and our family is worth some of her time. I will figure out how to afford a place for her that is close to home and to the kids. Best case scenerio, we re establish our connection and stay married and move ahead, worst case scenerio, she is closer for the kids to visit her and be a mom. She will be established and in a stable environment for the kids to see her. Hopefully we would be able to communicate without hatred and anger. I feel this is worth the risk

[tank]

Well my son is still at grandma's, he is getting lots of rest and having fun with his cousin. So i am just letting him stay as long as he wants to. Maybe the time away from home will do him good.

 

As for my wife, well surprise surprise, her pay went into my account again. Before i even checked, she sent me a msg telling meit was there, and that she just needed gas and food money and i could keep the rest. She knows it is still not what she owes me but she will have the rest to me before her brothers and I go to tennessee on Wednesday.

 

So it looks like she is keeping that promise at least. Well another day closer to the 1st of Sept.

[tank]

Well, My wife and I attended the funeral of a good friend yesterday, very hard not to seek comfort from each other. But i am standing my ground until Sept. 1st, when the 2 of us will talk. I did not stay in the same hotel room, even though it was offered (to save money of course) and she flew and i rode my bike with the guys. I head back home today, she doesnt fly home till Sunday. I could have let her ride with me, but to close for that long, didnt seem like a good idea. This is actually really hard. I dont know if i am so keen on working on this marriage any more. She is happier now that i sent the email about our talk. I just dont get her. Women are so hard to figure out. she tells me she misses me, the next minute she says she was miserable at home. She loves the new me, the cooking (some how she ate 3 meals i cooked this week), my new body (she grab my ass everychance she can), and my new attitude, and the cleanliness of the house. Why cant she just stop playing games and come out and say what she wants? All these games are pushing me away now. I do want the oppourtunity to try and build a new life with her. I know we will never rekindle the old relationship, but i hope for everyones sake that we can find why we first fell in love with each other and see if we still have that bond or not. I will keep posting, as i feel this is going to be one hell of a ride.

[You Go Girl]

You need to set respect boundaries.

Azz grabbing is not allowed.

Eating your meals isn't either. She left, she feeds herself.

Tell her hands off until/if you reconcile and work out just why she was so miserable.

If she thinks you have become a stick in the mud, well, too bad. She doesn't get to throw away her married life but enjoy the benefits of it.

[Woggle]

She is just worry about money. Walkaway wives don't know the meaning of the word remorse. When they see that walking away does not benefit them or that they are not hot enough stuff to rush a man's heart then they come back but it is almost never actual remorse.

[What_Next]

Tank, YGG is correct, boundaries. Ass grabbing? Umm no. Eating a meal that you cooked for your children? Umm no. Period.

 

Stand your ground. Be strong.

 

Woggle, it is unfair to generalize like that. Given what I personally have just went through I can tell you that a WAW CAN feel remorse. However, that emotion doesn't exist in a vaccum. Normally once the husband changes his way (often the husband IS part of the cause; I was for sure) and makes it stick the WAW sees this. They then begin to realize that running away and trying to determine just how green the grass was is not the answer.

 

Tank while my wife never did what your wife did (I'll be honest here tank; if she did I'd throw her our on her ass) she has learned a very valuable lesson and she WILL do the heavy lifting for a while.

 

Good luck my friend.

[tank]

Well, ive been away for a while on a vacation with my brothers. My stbxw stayed at my place with the kids. She cooked, bought groceries, cleaned and did laundry, i was actually surprised when i got home. She talked to her mom alot. She really misses me and she really misses her family. The grass isnt greener on the other side as she thought. I guess her and the OM are fighting alot. His mother hates her and thinks she is a big downfall for her son! LOL, you think! their relationship was an affair, started from lies and deciept. My stbx can not have any more children and she is battling cancer once again. Just found out the details from MIL. I got her through it the last time, it cost us a child and almost a second one. It is very hard not to give her a hug and tellher it will be okay, but thats not my job. Lost track there. So the OM`s mom hates her and thinks because of her she wont get any grandbabies, well she sure has a lot of hope that the relationship is going to last doesnt she.

 

My stbxw also said she was shocked that i would be seeing other women, as my MIL told her i had a girlfriend, ``which i dont`` mil just trying to get a reaction from her daughter. I have been dating, but thats it. Tomorrow, my STBXW signs the house over to me, i will own this all on my own. She has taken care of getting her own bank account and her bills are blocked from mine so i have no financial ties to her.

 

Now here is where it gets crazy and im sure people on here will say im nuts, stupid, or just completley loonie. But remember I still love this women. I have asked my wife to go to MC with me, just to see if their is anything still left between us. Just to make sure we havent made the biggest mistake of our lives and finalize our divorce. I didnt put any demands on her, i didnt say she had to transfer from her work depot to another so she had no contact with the OM, I didnt even tell her she had to move out of the OM`s home. I just said lets go to MC and make sure before we complete the Divorce. I did tell her that if she wanted, I would help her find a place close to my home as it would be easier for the kids, and as long as we were in MC, i would help her financially to stay afloat for as long as i can. I have still sent FRO my case for them to collect my child support, i will just give her landlord money if needed to sustain her own place. I truley love this women, I cant picture life without her and i have tried. I told her this would be the hardest thing for us to ever do, but it was worth the risk to me. I truley hope she agrees tomorrow when we meet with lawyers to sign paperwork for the house.

 

So bring on your thoughts, ideas, wether good or bad. I find that everyones opinion is important and that you can get a little from everyone who take s the time to post, so let me have it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's living with the OM!!!!

 

Hello! anyone home. your only setting yourself up for more pain, your wife is dead in a figure of speech, whoever this woman is, she's NOT who you married!

 

...let her go. she's the om's problem. I could see if she was living by herself and on her own and making steps towards you but she's living with the man she left you for, there's nothing to talk about!

[2.50 a gallon]

She still thinks living with the OM is OK. She still thinks the OM is a nice guy. The OM is scum, who lives in amongst swine slime and thinks it is OK to pursue a married woman.

 

I get the impression that you still want to hold on to the love you once had. She too has changed, she also chose to live with the OM down in the swine slime.

 

Rule of thumb. Cheaters cheat down. Betrayed spouses trade up. In short in the future you will find some one so much better to share you life with. And it is so much easier to start with somebody new, as you start from zero and work up. While with your cheating wife you start at minus 10 and have to work up just to get to zero. And can you ever really tryst her again and as you could with somebody new?

 

Good men are hard to find, once you come on the market you will have all kinds of offers. So why ride with a proven loser?

 

Until she publicly castrates the OM, do not have anything to do with her.

[What_Next]

Tank I don't believe you are crazy, maybe a little too nice though. You and I are in very similiar situations actually. Now in my case her affair is OVER, DONE. However, in my case she took my child to see him. Either way, and forgive me for saying this but both of our wives are to put it midly not very good people.

 

That being said we BOTH have long standing connections with them and we cannot just shut them off like a switch. We aren't robots. In my case for the next 3.5 weeks I am still living with her. I put it this way to her, I told her straight up that our marriage is done, over. She knows that. We WILL divorce no matter what. I told her that what I was trying to do was to at least learn to accept her as a friend. I need to get beyond the affair enough to accept her as that. We have a bond via our child that will not go away.

 

Both of us need to ensure we resist any temptation to forgive easily, or be drawn back into our toxic marriages. They MUST end.

[You Go Girl]

Tank isn't a weak man. He can handle her living with the OM while in MC, else he wouldn't have suggested it.

You have nothing to lose, Tank, as long as you don't let her orchestrate MC, and I can tell you're a smart enough cookie that you won't let that happen.

So what does he have to lose by going to MC? Nothing. He could gain some understanding of her mental state. He could decide at anytime that he's had enough and quit it, go LC, not help her with bills...he has the control here, even though the ball is in her court to respond.

[tank]

Thanks for the coments CB, and i understand what you are saying, but i had to put my best foot forward on this. There are 4 very special people who live with me that deserve the best I can give. I have given everything i have for myself and for them in my last proposal to my wife.

 

2.50, you are right that someone new would be easier in some aspects, i.e. trust etc. But someone new wouldnt be the women I chose to be my wife til death due us part/ in good times and in bad! The easy road isnt always the best road.

 

WN, i agree that our marriages are toxic, that is why my offer to my wife said it would be the hardest thing both of us ever did, but i was willing to go through the effort and see if it was possible to accomplish, not open myself up for more pain as suggested by others, but because my heart tells me its the right thing to do.

 

YGG, thank you for the support. I was strong enough to handle the situation, Just like I am strong enough to handle the outcome of that discussion with my wife.

 

So here is where I am at:

 

I met with my wife on Thursday of last week, We discussed my suggestion as i stated on this forum. She told me she was not willing to see a MC, and how could she living where she was. I told her i didnt care where she was living, the only committment i wanted from her was for 1hr each week with a MC until we were able to decide what we truley wanted in this life. I also told her this was the last time I would ask her to work on our marriage. She told me no, she wouldnt go to the MC. She did agree to sign the house over to me. So i won the small battle and lost the war. I was upset by the answer from her, i did not show her any emotion. I did give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and left. She made her final decision to me that day. I was very upset when i got home that night, but when i woke on Friday, not so much. By the end of the weekend, it really doesnt phase me at all now. I think that meeting was the closure that i needed to move forward. I have control of my life, I am not dependant on her for anything other than child support. I kept her pay on thursday, she still owes me $1000 in back support even after me taking her pay, but FRO will collect that for me. I have contacted the car insurance, the car dealer and the gym. I have put stop payments on all the withdrawals and notified them that they need to contact her and provided all phone numbers and her new address. She is not my issue. Today I contacted my lawyer, he is drafting the paperwork for the house and proceeding with the divorce asap. I wish my storey could have been a happy one, but it too has failed, but I have not FAILED, I have remained strong and I fought a tough battle, but even I cant win them all.

 

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice during this period. I will still post as the storey progresses, but for now I feel good about my decisions and where my life is heading. I have no regrets on my actions to date.

[2.50 a gallon]

Tank

 

Sorry to see she didn't want to try. Now you know and you can move on.

 

I totally agree with you about the vows, "forsaking all others", but the second my XW broke that vow, it was over, all of our vows were invalid. Pasta!

 

I know it is more than a second job raising kids, but for one who did not get to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I now what I missed and it is one of my few regrets in life.

 

Trust me on this one, somebody far better will someday come along.

[You Go Girl]

Well shoot. Your post with her refusal for MC just about made me cry, Tank.

I had had such high hopes for your marriage.

Now this marriage to her is over because you are forcing a timeline. But at the same time, she is adjusting to being on these meds, and this affair fog will at some point end. But it isn't happening on your timeline.

She could be a different woman in a year, more like the wife/mother she used to be, or even wanting to become a better version.

I'm not saying that there is a possible remarriage in your future, but it's a thought to consider.

That she is still so daft as to what she is walking away from by refusing MC is disappointing to the most extreme, and you have every right to refuse considering a remarriage or reconciliation of any kind in your future. She has blown it.

I do know of another case outside of LS in which the woman is getting back on anti-depressants and is dramatically improving. However it looks like it's not fast enough of an improvement for her man. Her days to reconnect with him are extremely limited. She only has a few weeks left, regardless of her medical adjustment timeline.

 

Have you considered a lengthy separation instead of divorce? I am sorry if this feels like back-peddling thoughts. I know some people are going to be angry I have written that. But, I consider all options.

I am so sad to hear about in your case a family with 4 kids destroyed this way. But I know that your head is in the right place and that your kids are going to be ok because of your strength.

Those kids are lucky to have such a great dad!

[What_Next]

Tank, that is awful. She did make her decision though and you can be sure in the fact that you did all you could.

 

You're a good man. That offer for a coffee or beer still stands by the way.

 

Both you and I have reached the end of our marriages. However, I also think we can BOTH hold our heads high.

[w.e.]

Man, I hate all of the negativity expressed on this forum but it seems understandable given the awful situations some of us are experiencing/have experienced. I'm sorry to read that things aren't working out. It's mind boggling to me that people can be so resistant to trying to work through their problems after making such a commitment, but clearly it's not uncommon.

 

It's like, even if it doesn't work in the end - at least you tried. But, in your case, you'll never be the one that has to deal with that doubt. You've put forth your best attempts to save the marriage.

 

I guess we all have to draw the line somewhere. Power to you for making that decision. Your kids certainly do have a great father.

[tank]

Thanks for the support everyone,

 

My oldest 2 children know of the divorce and I am keeping it quiet from the youngest 2 until they need to be told. Everything is set to be filed next week and then I guess i wait to see if she fights this or not. Hopefully she will realize she has caused enough pain and just sign off, but knowing her she will fight me tooth and nail. Well I am still feeling alright about this but she keeps trying to suck me in. I dont contact her anymore, but she still feels the need to text me about stupid things. I dont respond and she just gets angry. Can anyone tell me what is going through her mind?? is she just a f**k*** idiot or is she just lost in herself. She has done everything she wanted to this point, i have stayed strong, looked after the family and I even admitted defeat and I am giving her the divorce she so bacly wants. Why cant she let go? why cant she leave me alone?

[You Go Girl]

If you've gone quiet, she doesn't like that because she can't read you anymore.

If it's about the kids, answer. If it's trivial bs, blow it off, but don't tell her off.

Treat her as you would like her to treat you. You are going to be seeing a lot of each other through the rest of your years of lifetime, with 4 kids.

Transition as fast as you can to that relationship--cordial, civil, respectful.

[tank]

ygg, I dont want to even acknowledge the fact she is alive. This was the first weekend i have had with my oldest 2 boys since she left. We spent time working on the house, horsing around and just having fun as boys do. It was a good weekend. Then she brings home my 2 youngest and my daughter disappears to her room with out even saying hi to me. after 10 mins, i convince her to come and give me a hug and the 2 of them tell me how they spent the weekend at mom's new home with sam. that they are used to him now. My daughter didnt want me to know she had been there and didnt want me to be upset with her as it was mommy's choice. They were just trying to please mom. Hearing this hurt me so much i have just retreated to my room. I cant even look at my kids. She took my children to that house and now, i have to let it all sink in. My kids have to friendly and nice to the man who mommy chose over them. My 14yr old got real angry when he found out his brother and sister were at sams. He is 14, he sees his dad everyother weekend, his mom had an affair on me (he knows just about everything), now his little brother and sister are being forced to participate with the OM, his dad and his step mother are fighting and talking about splitting up. No wonder he doesnt care if he lives or dies. Me, well i wish she would just drop of the face of the earth. I want no interaction with her. I dont even want to discuss the kids with her. I want her out of my life and i am stuck with her. She did the one thing she knows would upset me, and it has. The only saving grace here is I havent acknowledged it. i havent sent her any messages or called to yell at her. But i have retreated to my room, this has hit me really hard. to be honest, i havent stopped crying for almost 2 hours. i cant face anyone. why did i have to love her so much?