When the dumpee goes NC, is it to heal or because they've lost interest?

[zzxxx]

The situation is: the dumper breaks up with the dumpee but gives the dumpee the reasons for doing so. The dumpee responds by telling the dumper his/her perspective but does not fight for it. The dumpee does not beg the dumper to take him/her back and instead just accepts the dumper's decision and goes NC but still responds to contact. What could this mean?

 

1. The breakup caused the dumpee a lot of pain. The dumpee is trying to heal and move on with his/her life and find someone else.

2. The breakup caused the dumpee a lot of pain. The dumpee is trying to heal but wishes to reconcile with the dumper in the future.

3. The dumpee lost interest in the dumper before the breakup and does not wish to reconcile in the future.

4. Other. Please explain.

 

Any insights would be very much appreciated!

[Jilly Bean]

Why would you expect someone you dumped to beg for you back, unless you dumped them as a game or a ploy?

 

Most people have self-respect.

 

This person was dumped, argued the situation, and isn't going to lower themselves to grovel.

 

Do you regret dumping someone? If so, man up, or chick up, and make amends. IF YOU CAN. At that point, YOU would be groveling, and the dumpee holds the cards.

[miss_28]

I agree 1000% with Jilly Bean - getting dumped is mortifying - the only thing a dumpee can walk away with is some dignity.

 

Also, don't make the mistake of thinking "they didn't fight for it" or "they didn't fight for you". Fight who? Fight what? Breakups are not democratic decisions - it's not up for vote or negotiation. The reality is they didn't fight your choice to throw them away. The dumper throws the relationship away and in the same breath expects to be convinced otherwise by the hurt/shocked dumpee... does that sound right?

 

As JB said, If you regret dumping/rejecting someone, you have man up - you have to take the risk of getting rejected & not expect anything from the dumpee.

[zzxxx]

Thanks for your responses and yes, I completely agree with what both of you have said.

 

Sorry, I should have made it clear why the dumpee was dumped. I did not dump them as a game or ploy. I don't think anyone deserves that sort of treatment. I dumped them because they were not willing to put in the effort to communicate more frequently or reach a compromise. I also did not want to make them feel obliged to communicate more frequently if they did not really want to do that themselves. I believe that communication is vital, especially in a long distance relationship, which is the sort of relationship we were in due to our temporary circumstances.

 

The dumpee did respond by admitting that it is their fault that we broke up and that I did my best to make our relationship work. I'm just not sure why they accepted my decision without fighting for it by saying something like, "Ok. I realise that I was slack with the communication. I'm willing to communicate more if I got a second chance..." etc. That is why I'm wondering whether the dumpee has lost interest before the breakup or whether it's something else...

 

And yes, I agree that a dumpee should walk away with his/her dignity still intact and not grovel IF they knew in their heart that they did all they could to make a relationship work. That is obviously not the case with the dumpee in my situation.

[Jilly Bean]

You already have your answer.

 

You dumped them because they didn't put in effort. They agreed.

 

Game over.

[bonpaw2008]

Thanks for your responses and yes, I completely agree with what both of you have said.

 

Sorry, I should have made it clear why the dumpee was dumped. I did not dump them as a game or ploy. I don't think anyone deserves that sort of treatment. I dumped them because they were not willing to put in the effort to communicate more frequently or reach a compromise. I also did not want to make them feel obliged to communicate more frequently if they did not really want to do that themselves. I believe that communication is vital, especially in a long distance relationship, which is the sort of relationship we were in due to our temporary circumstances.

 

The dumpee did respond by admitting that it is their fault that we broke up and that I did my best to make our relationship work. I'm just not sure why they accepted my decision without fighting for it by saying something like, "Ok. I realise that I was slack with the communication. I'm willing to communicate more if I got a second chance..." etc. That is why I'm wondering whether the dumpee has lost interest before the breakup or whether it's something else...

 

And yes, I agree that a dumpee should walk away with his/her dignity still intact and not grovel IF they knew in their heart that they did all they could to make a relationship work. That is obviously not the case with the dumpee in my situation.

 

To me if they weren't communicating with you they did not want the relationship, you were just the one to say it first. They couldn't communicate with you in the first place, so how are they expected to do the breaking up?

 

I think that you made the right decision, it seems like they were already gone....wish you luck, find someone who will give you what you need

[skydiveaddict]

I was dumped 10 months ago after I got home from the war. She has tried several times to contact me since but I have never responded. Who needs the grief? I certainly dont. Maintain NC.

[K'aycie]

Thanks for your responses and yes, I completely agree with what both of you have said.

 

Sorry, I should have made it clear why the dumpee was dumped. I did not dump them as a game or ploy. I don't think anyone deserves that sort of treatment. I dumped them because they were not willing to put in the effort to communicate more frequently or reach a compromise. I also did not want to make them feel obliged to communicate more frequently if they did not really want to do that themselves. I believe that communication is vital, especially in a long distance relationship, which is the sort of relationship we were in due to our temporary circumstances.

 

The dumpee did respond by admitting that it is their fault that we broke up and that I did my best to make our relationship work. I'm just not sure why they accepted my decision without fighting for it by saying something like, "Ok. I realise that I was slack with the communication. I'm willing to communicate more if I got a second chance..." etc. That is why I'm wondering whether the dumpee has lost interest before the breakup or whether it's something else...

 

And yes, I agree that a dumpee should walk away with his/her dignity still intact and not grovel IF they knew in their heart that they did all they could to make a relationship work. That is obviously not the case with the dumpee in my situation.

 

Its hard to say in this case. What do you mean by compromise? Is the bolded part, kind of like saying you wanted more of a committment whereas they didn't and/or couldn't?

[zzxxx]

Thanks again for your responses. It's always good to hear other peoples' point of view and experiences.

 

skydiveaddict, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Keep staying strong.

 

K'aycie, yes, that's exactly right. I wanted more commitment in terms of communication but he didn't. I basically said that the lack of communication was causing problems because I didn't feel as close anymore and it didn't really feel like a relationship anymore. He initially responded to that by saying that we can't communicate everyday because it's impossible (yeah right - doesn't work and doesn't go to uni), not that I wanted to communicate everyday anyway. And later on gave me another excuse "I've been busy" and finally, "I didn't want to screw up everything like I did last time." (We had a LDR in 2007 but it was different then. We argued a lot because I kept confronting him about some lies he told me and in his eyes, I was trying to cause arguments. This time, there were no lies.)

 

bonpaw2008, I agree with your point of view. I tried my best. A friend said to me, "You can only do so much for someone before you have to say, "Sorry but enough is enough. Waiting around for someone to lift their game is very draining and wastes your time." I think that sums up everything nicely.

 

Thanks again for all of your responses and I hope that things will work out for you guys too.

[K'aycie]

K'aycie, yes, that's exactly right. I wanted more commitment in terms of communication but he didn't. I basically said that the lack of communication was causing problems because I didn't feel as close anymore and it didn't really feel like a relationship anymore. He initially responded to that by saying that we can't communicate everyday because it's impossible (yeah right - doesn't work and doesn't go to uni), not that I wanted to communicate everyday anyway. And later on gave me another excuse "I've been busy" and finally, "I didn't want to screw up everything like I did last time." (We had a LDR in 2007 but it was different then. We argued a lot because I kept confronting him about some lies he told me and in his eyes, I was trying to cause arguments. This time, there were no lies.)

 

I see. I am very sorry to hear that, sucks. How often did you actually see one another in person and how far was the distance between you two?

[zzxxx]

Hi K'aycie, thanks for continuing to check up on my thread. The distance between us is around 10 000 miles or 16 000 km. For 6 months, we basically saw each other 24/7 as we lived together and did everything together. He didn't work and didn't go to uni or anything while he lived with me, so he spent all of his time with me. He was crazy about me when we were together and loved me more than I loved him.

 

I'm finding it hard to move on right now because even though I broke up with him due to his lack of communication, it feels like we broke up due to problems that were caused by the distance. In other words, we never would have broken up if we continued our relationship in Europe.

 

Of course, this long distance thing has magnified some of his flaws and makes me question whether I really want to be with someone like that in the future, but I honestly don't think that he was being slack with the communication because he lost interest in me. I think it's probably because he's lazy by nature or doesn't feel the need to communicate so often. He just wasn't able to understand my needs. I think I'm able to understand him better now, looking back on things without all the emotions in the way.

 

Anyway, my birthday is coming up in a couple of days. I know he knows it. Let's see if he sends me anything. If he does, then it probably means that my new conclusions are correct. If he doesn't, then he probably thinks I don't want to hear from him.

[K'aycie]

Hi K'aycie, thanks for continuing to check up on my thread. The distance between us is around 10 000 miles or 16 000 km. For 6 months, we basically saw each other 24/7 as we lived together and did everything together. He didn't work and didn't go to uni or anything while he lived with me, so he spent all of his time with me. He was crazy about me when we were together and loved me more than I loved him.

 

I'm finding it hard to move on right now because even though I broke up with him due to his lack of communication, it feels like we broke up due to problems that were caused by the distance. In other words, we never would have broken up if we continued our relationship in Europe.

 

Of course, this long distance thing has magnified some of his flaws and makes me question whether I really want to be with someone like that in the future, but I honestly don't think that he was being slack with the communication because he lost interest in me. I think it's probably because he's lazy by nature or doesn't feel the need to communicate so often. He just wasn't able to understand my needs. I think I'm able to understand him better now, looking back on things without all the emotions in the way.

 

Anyway, my birthday is coming up in a couple of days. I know he knows it. Let's see if he sends me anything. If he does, then it probably means that my new conclusions are correct. If he doesn't, then he probably thinks I don't want to hear from him.

 

But when you lived together, were there issues with your communication? Or did the communication issues occur when you lived 10,000 miles apart?

[zzxxx]

No, there weren't really any issues with our communication when we lived together. The communication issues really started to occur when we were apart.

[K'aycie]

No, there weren't really any issues with our communication when we lived together. The communication issues really started to occur when we were apart.

 

I guess being 10,000 miles apart will do that.

[teanoranges]

I think you did the right thing. sometimes its hard to let go of someone and sometimes people hang onto other until they find someone new.

 

It doesn't sound like this individual cared much at all (not because they didn't 'fight' for you, but because they weren't up for being open to communication with you)

In fact, they could have been treating you this way because they actually WAnted you to break up with them..

so yes, I'd go with 3.

 

They probably aren't even implementing NC, they probably have no desire to talk.

 

good luck, and find someone who'll treat you right.

[LoveTruthChaos]

Hi K'aycie, thanks for continuing to check up on my thread. The distance between us is around 10 000 miles or 16 000 km. For 6 months, we basically saw each other 24/7 as we lived together and did everything together. He didn't work and didn't go to uni or anything while he lived with me, so he spent all of his time with me. He was crazy about me when we were together and loved me more than I loved him.

 

I'm finding it hard to move on right now because even though I broke up with him due to his lack of communication, it feels like we broke up due to problems that were caused by the distance. In other words, we never would have broken up if we continued our relationship in Europe.

 

Of course, this long distance thing has magnified some of his flaws and makes me question whether I really want to be with someone like that in the future, but I honestly don't think that he was being slack with the communication because he lost interest in me. I think it's probably because he's lazy by nature or doesn't feel the need to communicate so often. He just wasn't able to understand my needs.

 

Your story is almost IDENTICAL to mine. Change 'Europe' to 'America', and change '6 months' to '4 months' and we have the same story. Even the 16,000 kilometres is the same!

 

Especially the part I put in Italics.

 

Only difference is, his communication issues were not just when we were apart, he never communicated while we were together either.

 

Oh, and in my case, I'm the dumpee (he left me for someone else).

 

I guess the lesson of our stories is this - no more Long Distance relationships! Best of luck

[zzxxx]

Thanks again everyone for your replies and thanks LoveTruthChaos for sharing your story with me. I hope things are working out for you now. By the way, your mum is a legend! I am going to write down that quote and use it for next time.

 

I actually called the ex on skype today because I felt like talking to him. Lol. I called his home phone twice and he didn't pick up so I tried his mobile phone and he didn't pick up either, but I'm pretty sure the number came up as private. It doesn't matter why he didn't pick up because it has actually made it easier for me to move on! Maybe his not picking up is actually a sign and I should consider myself lucky... lol.

 

When I think objectively, he is a loser with no future and no ambitions and anything that I miss about him can be replaced by someone else. If he doesn't want to be with me, then he is pretty foolish and it is really his loss. To be honest, I'm certain I can find someone better than him but I doubt he can find someone better than me. I'm not going to feel bad anymore if I find someone else.

[LoveTruthChaos]

When I think objectively, he is a loser with no future and no ambitions and anything that I miss about him can be replaced by someone else. If he doesn't want to be with me, then he is pretty foolish and it is really his loss. To be honest, I'm certain I can find someone better than him but I doubt he can find someone better than me. I'm not going to feel bad anymore if I find someone else.

 

Damn True sister, that's what I think about my situation too!

(I'm doing SO much better, it's great...4 months on now)

 

Mum's quote rocks! I tell myself that everyday...not that I ever want my ex back, but it's a good lesson!

 

Oh, and incase you're wondering, I - as the dumpee - did NC in every single way from day one, and I did it because I was angry, and also because once a decision like that is made, I don't look back. I have more dignity than to crawl on my knees wanting someone who is unworthy of my attention back!

 

Definitely a sign that he didn't pick up

 

You'll be fine, good luck!

[K'aycie]

Thanks again everyone for your replies and thanks LoveTruthChaos for sharing your story with me. I hope things are working out for you now. By the way, your mum is a legend! I am going to write down that quote and use it for next time.

 

I actually called the ex on skype today because I felt like talking to him. Lol. I called his home phone twice and he didn't pick up so I tried his mobile phone and he didn't pick up either, but I'm pretty sure the number came up as private. It doesn't matter why he didn't pick up because it has actually made it easier for me to move on! Maybe his not picking up is actually a sign and I should consider myself lucky... lol.

 

When I think objectively, he is a loser with no future and no ambitions and anything that I miss about him can be replaced by someone else. If he doesn't want to be with me, then he is pretty foolish and it is really his loss. To be honest, I'm certain I can find someone better than him but I doubt he can find someone better than me. I'm not going to feel bad anymore if I find someone else.

 

I know we say those things to ourselves when we are hurting, but really, you found something about him that you liked initially, right? It sounds like an unfortunate set of circumstances due to the distance, and maybe it was just too much for him. Maybe someone who lives closer, will work out better for you in the future.

 

People communicate with each other differently. And that's where compatibility comes in I suppose. I'm not sure how often you two spoke, but if someone can't compromise or doesn't want to, then there's really not much you can do.

 

Relationships can be hard at times as is, I am not sure how one where two people are 13,000 miles away from each other, could be any less hard on each other.

[selena_cat]

You already have your answer.

 

You dumped them because they didn't put in effort. They agreed.

 

Game over.

 

Lol,don't hold back Jilly bean, the poster what you really think.

[zzxxx]

For those who want an update:

 

He emailed me on my birthday at exactly 00:00 my time. He said that "it's hard to write this" without even hugging or kissing me. He said that he just wanted to tell me that I am the most precious thing in his life. He said something like, "I wish you everything that you would wish yourself and that you achieve all your goals and lead a happy life"... and then he said maybe a future together even though it's difficult right now. He added some xoxos.

 

I emailed back a couple of days later to thank him. I wished him well and wished him all the best for his future. I was very cold.

 

I'm a little confused as to why he sent me something like that. Any ideas?