Shocking news

[robaday]

Hi,

 

I just heard some shocking news from my father, and don't really know how to deal with it. I have a 12 year old sister I never knew about, she lives, where he works in a different continent.

 

I am 28. I grew up with my mother and two sisters, although my parents have always remained married. My father took it upon himself to be the provider, and works abroad-he has and does come home approximately 3 times a year for 1.5 months at a stretch.

 

It has long been apparent that there are problems in their marriage. Unspoken, but to me and my sisters it was always dysfunctional. To me, as the only son I believe it hindered my path to manhood.

 

2.5 years ago I lost my sister, to a sudden death. It tore my family apart, and destroyed me. I moved abroad to deal with it. My father, instead of trying to get closer to the family, remained working as frequently as usual, leaving my mother, in a huge house, on her own, isolated and broken. I spent two years suicidal and on anti-depressants, I became a drug addict, and lost everything I had. I'm better now, no thanks to him.

 

He has told me not to tell my mother. She will divorce him he says, and in his words "why spoil a good marriage?". He has also told me he is ill, and broke this confession, in the fear that my sister (who I never knew about), will be left to fend for herself, where he lives, when he passes.

 

My mother is desperately unhappy, and having brought me up, I want the best for her. If my father passes away, this is one hell of a burden I carry, solely, he has effectively told me to hide a whole apect of who he is, and why he has neglected my mother, from her. He is my Dad however.

 

My question is, how can i begin to deal with this? do i have a moral obligation and whom to? will keeping this from my mother send me to hell? help.

[TaraMaiden]

You tell him:

 

"Either you tell mother, or I do.

You have a week.

 

And your marriage is not good if you managed to go elsewhere for gratification, your child is proof of this. Besides, we children have never seen your relationship with mum as anything but dysfunctional. Don't kid yourself. You have failed, in every way, to be the husband and father you should have been.

Deal with your won problems.

Don't drag me into your secret and expect me to be your ally."

 

If you want to, that is.....

[turnera]

I completely agree with Tara.

 

IMO, your allegiance is to your mother, who essentially raised you while he lived a second life. Tell him either he tells her, or you will.

 

I'm sorry about your sister.

[Chinook]

I have to agree with the guys. You don't really owe your Dad anything. You were going through a whole difficult time and had to come through it without him and whilst you shouldn't have to choose allegiance, in the end... your Mother is the person who has raised you and provided for your growth physically and emotionally.

[Green]

If your dad really wanted to keep it a secret why tell you. You don't really sound like you can really help this sister you never knew about anyways. You should just tell your dad that it was disrespectful for him to burden you with this secret and that he must tell your mother or you will.

 

You could give your mother the option as she may already know. Just ask her "if dad told me a secret that I felt guilty keeping from you would you want to know it or not"

 

Look it really sux what he did so don't feel guilty for anything you've done so far. Sux to be put in the middle like that.

[robaday]

Thanks for your responses, I guess that is exactly what I thought as well-my mother deserves to know. The only thing stopping me, is knowing that her marriage has been a shambles, and in her moment of need she was completely betrayed whilst bringing up 3 kids on her own, could ruin her. She is not from the country in which we were raised, and given the chance would move back to her family.

 

This is the worst kind of betrayal that I could ever dream of. I love my mother unconditionally, and the thought of this just disgusts me.

 

My plan, and I want to run this passed you first, is to firstly talk to my sister (the remaining one i was raised with). we are incredibly close. Between us, I feel we will be in a better position to approach this delicate matter. She will be incensed, but my mother deserves to be happy-my father has given his blessing to talk to her.

 

My mother lost 6 of 12 siblings to untimely deaths. Her father was abusive, physically and mentally. Her husband lives on the other side of the world, and she has lost her daughter. She raised me and my sisters herself in a land she never wanted to live in (we live where my father is from). If anybody deserves happiness it is her. It is her I am thinking of writing this.

 

I let go of any expectation of having a father a long long time ago. This has just made me want to wash my hands of him for good.

 

Thank you for your responses, any support appreciated, and whilst i do agree with what has been said, please also understand how dificult this is for me writing this. despite everything i am in a really really horrific situation.

[turnera]

It will be easier to bear when the three of you know it, and can support each other.

[Allisha]

Thanks for your responses, I guess that is exactly what I thought as well-my mother deserves to know. The only thing stopping me, is knowing that her marriage has been a shambles, and in her moment of need she was completely betrayed whilst bringing up 3 kids on her own, could ruin her. She is not from the country in which we were raised, and given the chance would move back to her family.

 

This is the worst kind of betrayal that I could ever dream of. I love my mother unconditionally, and the thought of this just disgusts me.

 

My plan, and I want to run this passed you first, is to firstly talk to my sister (the remaining one i was raised with). we are incredibly close. Between us, I feel we will be in a better position to approach this delicate matter. She will be incensed, but my mother deserves to be happy-my father has given his blessing to talk to her.

 

My mother lost 6 of 12 siblings to untimely deaths. Her father was abusive, physically and mentally. Her husband lives on the other side of the world, and she has lost her daughter. She raised me and my sisters herself in a land she never wanted to live in (we live where my father is from). If anybody deserves happiness it is her. It is her I am thinking of writing this.

 

I let go of any expectation of having a father a long long time ago. This has just made me want to wash my hands of him for good.

 

Thank you for your responses, any support appreciated, and whilst i do agree with what has been said, please also understand how dificult this is for me writing this. despite everything i am in a really really horrific situation.

 

We understand your situation, don't worry. It's awful.

 

But you know what? Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth, take a deep breath, and do what has to be done, regardless of whether or not people like it. I know it's easier said than done, but your mother deserves to know the truth.

This will hang over your head until you tell her, and you will always worry about how much it's gonna upset her, but you can never move on, as a family, until all of you know the truth. There will never be a good or right time to tell her.

 

I'm sorry about your sister & I really do wish you all the best!

[robaday]

Last night I tried to sit down and talk calmly and rationally with my father-my mother is away on holiday at the moment.

 

I explained how much pain I had gone through over the last two years while he had been away. He began to lay into me for being self pitying jerk.

 

I said "listen, I dont need this, I thought you would want to know who your son actually is, I came home to grieve the death of my sister, and now Ive been told I have another fn one running around".

 

At the word, fn he jumped up and tried to hit me. I dodged, said I was leaving. Ran up packed my belongings. He tried to stand in my way, I said I strongly suggest you let me go, before I do something I regret.

 

He told me if i left id cause irreparable damage to the family and me and him were over. i looked him in the eye and said, you deal with the mess you've made, ive just learnt the past 12 years of my life have been a lie, i can deal fine, but you owe it to your soulmate to come clean. Good buy Dad.

 

Im heading to the airport today to go back to where i live. im not sure well see each other again.

[Allisha]

Last night I tried to sit down and talk calmly and rationally with my father-my mother is away on holiday at the moment.

 

I explained how much pain I had gone through over the last two years while he had been away. He began to lay into me for being self pitying jerk.

 

I said "listen, I dont need this, I thought you would want to know who your son actually is, I came home to grieve the death of my sister, and now Ive been told I have another fn one running around".

 

At the word, fn he jumped up and tried to hit me. I dodged, said I was leaving. Ran up packed my belongings. He tried to stand in my way, I said I strongly suggest you let me go, before I do something I regret.

 

He told me if i left id cause irreparable damage to the family and me and him were over. i looked him in the eye and said, you deal with the mess you've made, ive just learnt the past 12 years of my life have been a lie, i can deal fine, but you owe it to your soulmate to come clean. Good buy Dad.

 

Im heading to the airport today to go back to where i live. im not sure well see each other again.

 

Ouch. Not good.

 

You need to tell your mother when she gets home.

[turnera]

A shame, but not a surprise, given that he's a lifelong liar and self-absorbed jerk.

 

Now go home and protect your mom.

[KikiW]

First, I am so sorry about all the pain you've gone through. I do hope that you and your true family can support each other through what will certainly be a difficult time, but I believe in the end it will be for the best. You will live more full, honest lives after you are able to move past this.

 

I believe your dad got defensive because he realized you were threatening to open the curtain on him. He got scared that his lies would come out and tried to bully you into submission, to keep you in line and keep his lies in the dark. Good for you for not allowing him to do that to you. It is difficult to see your parents for who they really are sometimes - it can be heartbreaking. You expect them to be the best people in the world, and when the image is shattered, it can be devastating.

 

My very best wishes to you and your family. I hope you are able to get through all this well.

[robaday]

I'm relived I've seen him for what he is: a weak old man, who only thinks of himself, it has made my situation so much easier im grateful.

 

My pain has been tempered by the realization he is nothing to me, gone, and thankfully a passing thought.

 

I realize who i am, all the anger of my youth, i now know i am a real person, someone whos not based on lies, someone who has the dignity to know right from wrong. For all my weakness, i am honest, i am me, and i have nothing to hide from anyone

 

So long Dad, i tried, and now i feel pity, thanks for your kind responses, this is the start of my new life, i wash my hands and pray for you father.

[MsSydneyLane]

In times like this, when your mother will find out, you need to be with her for support.

 

Go home to your mom and protect her from your dad. This news will have a great impact and as a son, you need to be there to support her when she learns his betrayal.

[robaday]

After being in strong talks with my sister about the best way to go about this over passed week, after thinking everything through-the positives and negatives, the fall out's I told my mother last night, in person with my sister.

 

She took it well, said she had lost feelings for Dad a long time ago, and admitted she'd been trying to work out how to improve her life for some time. She said if anything this was the kick she needed to finally make changes.

 

I tried to be firm, calm and dignified. I left out my own negative emotions toward my father, and instead acted as diplomatically as I could, just offering the facts and my support.

 

Ive left her to have a day alone today. She has a week left over here (shes currently on holiday where I live) before she returns home. It's not a huge amount of time to be there for her and I'm sure the shock has not begun to hit home. For me, I walk away proud that I did what had to be done. My father doesn't deserve her, and I hope this is the start of a wonderful new chapter in her life.

[SarahRose]

I usually don't say this or feel this way but if anyone deserves to be taken to the cleaners, he does.

 

There are plenty of men out there who want the image of having a family but have no intentions of participating in it. It's sad really. He has abandoned all of you years ago.

 

I hope you mom cleans out the bank accounts and get a good lawyer.

 

She can trade him in on 2 part time 25 year olds and a villa in Tuscany.

[robaday]

Thanks-I agree. The only thing keeping me from telling her, was hoping my Dad would have the balls to come clean himself-I thought of issuing an ultimatum to him but then I thought, no, he's had twelve years to do this.

 

He's treated her like crap. He has, for the passed two years emotionally abused her, and I walked on eggshells for most of my youth. He is an alcoholic, with major anger management issues.

 

For all the years I suffered with low self esteem with no father figure, for all the years he told me he wished he had another son, for the first time in my life I realize I am bigger than him and nothing he does will ever hurt me again-I told him I didn't want anything from the will when he passed away shortly before my flight (he's a multi-millionaire). And it felt good.

[candymoon]

Right on, Rob. You took your power back.

 

Your mother can now heal and LIVE the life she never had.

 

You're a good son and a great person. Best of luck to you all.

[turnera]

Way to go, Rob. I'm so glad you took care of this and helped your mom move on.

 

Now, help her find a kickass lawyer so SHE can get his multimillions, and live like she finally deserves.

[Angel1111]

...for the first time in my life I realize I am bigger than him and nothing he does will ever hurt me again.

 

OMG, what an incredible statement, and what an amazing way to feel. Based on how he has treated all of you, it has always been true and it's good that you now see it. Please don't ever let yourself forget it.

[GorillaTheater]

You're a good man, Rob. Take good care of your mom.

[KikiW]

How empowering!

 

Good for you - I think you've proven that you are more of a man than your father could ever hope to be. You handled this painful situation in the most mature manner.

 

My very best to you.