Racist mother-in-law!

[Ling]

I married my high school sweetheart. We dated in high school and his family was fine with me. We continued to date in college and finally married after we graduated. Only one problem, his mother was opposed to the marriage because I'm asian and he is white. His family didn't come to the wedding five years ago and his mother refused to see me and disowned her son. My husband continued to visit his family occassionally, and during those vists his mother would cry and told my husband that she was praying for God to take me away so she could have her son back. My parents were wonderful and helped us to buy our house and when I became pregnant they helped with the medical bills (my Mom actually stayed at my house with me the first month after our son was born to help me). My family is Catholic, but we don't go to church. I'm third generation Chinese, I don't even speak Mandarin.

 

We went to my husband's younger brother's graduation last May. Our son was three months old, and he looks very much like his father (what I mean to say is, he doesn't look very asian at all). All of a sudden, his mother called out of the blue and told my husband that God had told her to forgive us for our sins and that she wanted us to be friends. I'm suspicious. My husband is ecstatic (I understand, because these last five years have been very hard on him and he misses his family). But personally, I have a hard time forgiving her and I feel like this is an unsincere sentiment. We visited their house and she basically didn't look at me or speak to me unless I held the baby. She didn't say she was sorry, but she did say that she had forgiven us (I was furious!). My husband didn't seem to notice and left me there with her to go talk with his father.

 

I don't know what to do. Now my husband wants to visit every week and it's emotionally draining and nerve wraking. I never know if she'll snap and call me a "handmaiden of satan" again (she did when she found out we were engaged, right in front of me). This sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. I just don't want to be around her, but I'm torn between wanting my husband to be happy and wanting to be happy myself. I just don't feel comfortable having her in my life, but my husband is ademant that once we get to know each other, everything will be fine. He even told me that she and I have a lot in common! Should I just keep quiet, or should I put my foot down?

[Tony T]

You need to rise above the pettiness and prejudice of your mother-in-law. Be nice and kind to her despite her attitude. In all your days on this planet, there will be ignorance, intolerance, bigotry, hipocracy, etc. and none of that is in your control.

 

It's pretty obvious that her sudden desire to get with the two of you is tied to the new baby. If that's what it took, so be it. Consider yourself a very lucky lady if she doesn't pay any attention to you...why would you want such a low-life to exchange words with you. You married her son, not her. Oh, yes, it would be nice if she accepted you and had a lot of interaction with you...but it would also be nice if I won the lottery.

 

I know this is a source of pain for you, but if you just accept it as a part of life and get along as best you can for the sake of your child, over time miracles do happen and as your mother-in-law realizes you are a very kind, sweet person who takes excellent care of her grandson, perhaps that will pierce her veil of ignorance.

 

As far as keeping quiet, there is nothing constructive that will come from saying anything. You will not change this situation in any way. However, you do have to stand up for yourself. If she begins to snap at you, show disrespect, or call you names again, point out to her in a very soft and kind voice that you will not tolerate such disrespect. Remind her that you are the mother of her grandchild...and if she treats you unkindly, your visits will cease along with the visits of her grandchild. I really don't think it will come to that, but I am always shocked to discover new low levels of humanity.

 

Just to let you in on a secret. Very often, the behavior you see in some American female's reaction to you has nothing to do with racism. It is jealousy. Asians are notoriously more kind, gentle, respectful, considerate, thoughtful, accomodating to their mates, etc. than many American women desire to be. It is an accepted stereotype of Asian women that they are very subserviant to their husands. A movement in America that began about 30 years ago, called women's lib, has taken many women out of the home and put them in roles that were formerly held by males, in the workplace, in leadership roles and elsewhere. It's a good thing for women but it has taken them far from the role of sole homemaker that many used to be.

 

This puts you in a highly competitive role with many American women who were not raised to have traits to that extent. Asian women outshine many of them in lots of areas. So when she shows her butt, stand proud and know she is only jealous because you are in a place you believe right for you.

 

I hope you transcend this entire issue, forgive or not forgive as you choose, just don't tolerate disrespect. Let your husband know that you are willing to go on regular visits to his mother as long as you are treated nicely. When that stops, you will not go. He will communicate this to his mother. Let's see what happens from there.

 

I am amazed how God pops into people's lives and tells them things at the most opportune times.

[billy the kid]

never been there, well kinda I married a Hawiian girl once but mom din't like her cuz of her age not her race..Ok my oldest brother married a girl 20 yrs younger.... Ok now what to do I would follow what my brother did, he was the same age as his wife's parents. this is what they did.. he and his future wife khad a talk... Were they going to spend the rest of their lives together? if so tell her parents that if they did not like it to say good bye now.. up date, they have three beautiful boys,1 yr to 4yrs. and they plan on more. as far as the ultimatum the parents are very happy now, their daughter couldn't be happier..

I married my high school sweetheart. We dated in high school and his family was fine with me. We continued to date in college and finally married after we graduated. Only one problem, his mother was opposed to the marriage because I'm asian and he is white. His family didn't come to the wedding five years ago and his mother refused to see me and disowned her son. My husband continued to visit his family occassionally, and during those vists his mother would cry and told my husband that she was praying for God to take me away so she could have her son back. My parents were wonderful and helped us to buy our house and when I became pregnant they helped with the medical bills (my Mom actually stayed at my house with me the first month after our son was born to help me). My family is Catholic, but we don't go to church. I'm third generation Chinese, I don't even speak Mandarin.

 

We went to my husband's younger brother's graduation last May. Our son was three months old, and he looks very much like his father (what I mean to say is, he doesn't look very asian at all). All of a sudden, his mother called out of the blue and told my husband that God had told her to forgive us for our sins and that she wanted us to be friends. I'm suspicious. My husband is ecstatic (I understand, because these last five years have been very hard on him and he misses his family). But personally, I have a hard time forgiving her and I feel like this is an unsincere sentiment. We visited their house and she basically didn't look at me or speak to me unless I held the baby. She didn't say she was sorry, but she did say that she had forgiven us (I was furious!). My husband didn't seem to notice and left me there with her to go talk with his father. I don't know what to do. Now my husband wants to visit every week and it's emotionally draining and nerve wraking. I never know if she'll snap and call me a "handmaiden of satan" again (she did when she found out we were engaged, right in front of me). This sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. I just don't want to be around her, but I'm torn between wanting my husband to be happy and wanting to be happy myself. I just don't feel comfortable having her in my life, but my husband is ademant that once we get to know each other, everything will be fine. He even told me that she and I have a lot in common! Should I just keep quiet, or should I put my foot down?