Need advice in talking to a friend

[pinkroses]

I have a good friend I care a lot about, and she's been living with a guy going on two years now. Trouble is, in all that time he's had very few, short term, low-paying jobs, and seems to always be "looking" for work. The rest of the time he is with friends playing video games and doing favors for people, all hours of the day and/or night. My friend is 39, he's 38, so they aren't kids. She works a full time job and is going to school to get her Masters degree, and is a very responsible, accomplished and serious-minded person. I feel like she's more in the role of a mother than a girlfriend to this guy.

 

I don't understand why my friend doesn't see anything wrong with this picture. He's talked about wanting to go find his daughter in another state (his ex-wife took off with her some time ago), and he supposedly has a college degree and has had gainful employment in the past, but is not making anything of himself. I feel like he is totally freeloading on my friend, using her and her apartment as a temporary nest while he decides what direction he wants to go in.

 

I'm not the type to be confrontational, but eventually I'd like to try to help her see what's going on. She's never been married, and I hate to see her throw her efforts away on someone who isn't giving back. She had a boyfriend several years ago who lived with her and smoked pot all day and didn't contribute, and she did that for six years. I can't believe she doesn't see the pattern. Any advice on how to convey my concern?

[Darkangelism]

Its her life, if she doesnt mind then that is how it is, people don't like listening to people telling them how to run their lives, i know, cause i have tried.

[dyermaker]

Unfortunately, I agree with darkangelism.

 

Friends like this are difficult, but you feel like you need to help them. At first, I disguised these feelings as compassion, but now I know that these feelings are selfish. People do stupid things, and it pains you to witness it--you want to help her, so that you'll feel better about her. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm not even asking you to admit to that, I'm just telling you how it has been in my experience.

 

Such friends do GET something out of their relationships--some sort of reward mechanism. It's not always a healthy reward, but there's a reason she is being used by people. You're not qualified to understand or repair her reward mechanisms, or whatever it is that causes her to behave this way. Even if you were, she would have to be willing to change. The 'pattern' that you see works for her, even if it works in an unhealthy manner.

 

If the friend comes to you about it, pour your heart out to her (make it about her, not about you)--You may even try delicate prodding into how you feel next time you see her. However, she'll likely respond negatively, which is the climax of your endeavor to help her. It's when you choose between continuing your righteous quest, and possibly alienating her and ending the friendship, or backing off, and living with an imperfect friend, however troubling it may be.

 

Good luck.

[pinkroses]

I have to disagree with both of you in the way you're seeing this situation. I don't need to feel better about my friend, I care for her like a sister. I have known this friend for five years and I have respected her and never rocked the boat by sharing my opinion on anything she does. She has certainly spoken up about what she finds wrong in my life though, and I think a close friendship should work both ways in that area. I'm timid and non-assertive by nature, so I was just wondering how I might approach her if things started happening she wasn't seeing.

[longlegzs80]

I think your friend knows whats going on with her guy. If you just bring it up with things she already knows about like him not having work etc., etc., it could harm your friendship and she could think your butting in. Obviously she has been with him 2 years and if she don't know whats the deal with her man then something is wrong with her. Just plain and simple.

 

She obviously accepts his behavior and who knows what goes on in their lives, but she probubly has mentioned stuff to him like why can't you find a job and blah, blah, blah. So, just go about your business. Unless she asks for your opinion about their relationship or about him, then that is when you can speak your peace. Other then that, your friend would probubly think your butting into her life.