He STILL hasn't proposed...

[wishingonastar]

Hello again everyone

 

I'm back on here after quite a long absence, my last post regarding the same subject was in March 2009 so for those of you who don't know my situation, I'll give you the low down..

 

I'm now 25 years old and my boyfriend is 49. He lives alone in his own house and has never been married. I currently live with my parents although they are hardly ever at home as they do a lot of travelling and I have never been married. I had to move in with them from my own rented property as last year when the recession kicked in I had my hours cut to part time and hence a lower wage, couldn't afford my rent etc.

 

Anyway, we first met 3 years ago and we have been together for 2 years and 4 months now. No children, no pets. We both (now) have full time jobs and although neither of us have lots of money we have enough to get by and to do the things we enjoy doing.

 

As you will have probably gathered from the title of this post, last year's post was regarding the fact that my boyfriend had yet to propose to me and I was going crazy about it, trying to understand what was stopping him from doing so!! We never argue, we have nothing in our lives to worry about i.e. we both have steady jobs, no kids, no education to finish etc. etc. We have met each other's families and although mine didn't approve of the age gap (his family are fine about it) there have been no arguments or problems.

 

During the time when I was struggling with money and had to move in with my parents I would have thought that was a perfect opportunity for him to help me out and any normal bloke would have said "This is ridiculous, come and move in with me" but no, nothing.

 

He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how he has thought about asking me to marry him in the past but never actually got on with it! He thinks more about his parents than me, such a mummies boy, he'd rather see me in tears and know that his parents are happy i.e. we aren't living together without being married etc. Hell, his mother still thinks he's a virgin. He is always going round to his parents house and his Mother when I first met him used to do everything for him, I was more independant than him at 18 and so much more grown up! Anyway, I'm going off on one..

 

The fact is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He still hasn't proposed after nearly 2 and a half years of being together. What should I do?

 

HELP

[Mombot]

If he has never brought up marriage by now, he may just not be that into it. 49 and never married, well, doesn't bode well and you know it/ so either ask him or move on.

[make me believe]

If he has never brought up marriage by now, he may just not be that into it. 49 and never married, well, doesn't bode well and you know it/ so either ask him or move on.

 

I agree. If a guy gets to age 49 and has never been married, he most likely doesn't want to ever get married. That combined with the mama's boy stuff... gah. Huge red flags. Why would you want to marry a man who is NEVER going to put you ahead of his mommy? Have you two ever discussed marriage? I think you need to sit him down and have a frank and honest discussion about your future. Tell him you want to be married, and if he doesn't see that happening in the near future then he needs to tell you.

[torranceshipman]

Hello again everyone

 

I'm back on here after quite a long absence, my last post regarding the same subject was in March 2009 so for those of you who don't know my situation, I'll give you the low down..

 

I'm now 25 years old and my boyfriend is 49. He lives alone in his own house and has never been married. I currently live with my parents although they are hardly ever at home as they do a lot of travelling and I have never been married. I had to move in with them from my own rented property as last year when the recession kicked in I had my hours cut to part time and hence a lower wage, couldn't afford my rent etc.

 

Anyway, we first met 3 years ago and we have been together for 2 years and 4 months now. No children, no pets. We both (now) have full time jobs and although neither of us have lots of money we have enough to get by and to do the things we enjoy doing.

 

As you will have probably gathered from the title of this post, last year's post was regarding the fact that my boyfriend had yet to propose to me and I was going crazy about it, trying to understand what was stopping him from doing so!! We never argue, we have nothing in our lives to worry about i.e. we both have steady jobs, no kids, no education to finish etc. etc. We have met each other's families and although mine didn't approve of the age gap (his family are fine about it) there have been no arguments or problems.

 

During the time when I was struggling with money and had to move in with my parents I would have thought that was a perfect opportunity for him to help me out and any normal bloke would have said "This is ridiculous, come and move in with me" but no, nothing.

 

He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how he has thought about asking me to marry him in the past but never actually got on with it! He thinks more about his parents than me, such a mummies boy, he'd rather see me in tears and know that his parents are happy i.e. we aren't living together without being married etc. Hell, his mother still thinks he's a virgin. He is always going round to his parents house and his Mother when I first met him used to do everything for him, I was more independant than him at 18 and so much more grown up! Anyway, I'm going off on one..

 

The fact is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He still hasn't proposed after nearly 2 and a half years of being together. What should I do?

 

HELP

 

He doesn't want to get married!! He is nearly 50 and very set in his ways. This wil never change.

 

If you can make peace with that, and take the life you have now as the one you will have for your future, then that is ok. If you want to get married, you need another guy.

 

Excuse me for saying this, as I am sure he has redeeming features, but - he doesn't treat you with much consideration. Are you sure you want to sign up to a life of that?

[Chinook]

He's not asking because he doesn't want it!

[wishingonastar]

We have discussed marriage lots of times but he keeps saying "What's the rush?", or "I just don't rush into things, Im not that sort of person" etc. etc. He also says that he doesn't want us to live together as we should be married first..he's happy to sleep with me though..that is his Mum talking and he's just scared of what she will think. FFS he's almost 50 and he can't tell his Mum that HE is in charge of his own life (and he doesn't have to do it in a nasty way).

 

Does anyone think that 2 and a half years is too soon to be considering marriage taking into consideration our circumstances?

 

I daren't bring up the subject now as each time I do we argue or one of us ends up in tears..so I'm left wondering what to do.

 

 

I've run out of his house once and said that's it, we both want different things etc. and he has begged me (in tears) to stay and promised things will change. They haven't. He even said well move in with me then, but I don't want to do it because of an argument. I want him to ask me because he wants it, from the heart. The same with marriage.

 

I'm so confused and upset

[torranceshipman]

Sweetie, you've not taken any notice of our posts. He is not going to shout in your face 'I am 50!-I am never marrying you!' Of course he is going to have a bit more tact than that, and just keep putting you off, or giving some dumb excuse to placate you every time, and you've just typed out those excuses in your last post. He will do this pretty much forever-no wonder you are frustrated.

 

And of course he is also giving excuses because he likes having you as a girlfriend and doesn't want to lose that, but he doesn't want to give you any more than 'non living together girlfriend-boyfriend'.

[wishingonastar]

You're right. I guess I just don't want to accept or believe it. I keep thinking one day he will change, but he won't.

 

It is even more frustrating because everything else is perfect.

 

I guess I should leave him, if he truly loves me he would do anything to have me back, I know I would do anything for him. I'm too nice sometimes and know I need to put my foot down.

 

I'm kind of in the process of doing so already. He got a shock the other day when I gave him everything of his back that was at my place (including his house keys etc.) and told him I want to be a boyfriend and girlfriend again not acting like a wife/husband when we're not.

 

This week when he was leaving after calling round I told him straight that I thought he treated me like a doormat and he stormed off. Neither of us has been in contact with the other person since.

 

I don't know if he will contact me again but maybe I shouldn't care. I'm not backing down though, if he wants me, he's going to have to fight for me and I need to know then 100% what his plans are, otherwise, I guess...I walk.

[pureinheart]

You're right. I guess I just don't want to accept or believe it. I keep thinking one day he will change, but he won't.

 

It is even more frustrating because everything else is perfect.

 

I guess I should leave him, if he truly loves me he would do anything to have me back, I know I would do anything for him. I'm too nice sometimes and know I need to put my foot down.

 

I'm kind of in the process of doing so already. He got a shock the other day when I gave him everything of his back that was at my place (including his house keys etc.) and told him I want to be a boyfriend and girlfriend again not acting like a wife/husband when we're not.

 

This week when he was leaving after calling round I told him straight that I thought he treated me like a doormat and he stormed off. Neither of us has been in contact with the other person since.

 

I don't know if he will contact me again but maybe I shouldn't care. I'm not backing down though, if he wants me, he's going to have to fight for me and I need to know then 100% what his plans are, otherwise, I guess...I walk.

 

For the bold...that is a game...the correct reaction (IMO) would be, him talking it out with you...the reason he won't talk is because he knows there is one option left and he doesnot want that based on what you said.

 

This is where you are at...it's time for marriage for you, and IMO you are being reasonable. He has been side stepping the issue, which speaks volumns ...you've hit a dead end. You have no choice but to walk...

[aerogurl87]

Your 25, you still have time to find another man to marry and start a family with. By the way, I'm not one to be anti-age gaps but I don't think it'd be in you and your future children's best interests to have a child with a man old enough to be your father.

[D-Lish]

I'm now 25 years old and my boyfriend is 49.

 

Why does it surprise you that a 50 year old happy bachelor doesn't want to get married? If marriage was for him, he would have done so by this point.

 

And honestly, I don't see what a 25 year old woman would find attractive about a 50 year old. Daddy issues?

[sugarmomma]

If he doesn't want to get married he probably doesn't want children either. OP do you want to have children as well?

[wishingonastar]

I don't have "Daddy issues". My boyfriend at 49 is nothing like your typical 49 year old. He has a young, outgoing outlook on life and certainly doesn't look his age. I am 25 but act about (and look about) 35 so we kind of meet in the middle. I'm very mature for my age which is why we hit it off to start with, plus initially I thought he was younger than he was and he thought I was older..

 

I have asked him before why he has never been married and he has said that he has come close in the past but it just never happened. He said that he always saw himself at 49/50 with a wife and kids but it just hasn't worked out that way. His past relationships haven't been very good, women have basically screwed him for everything money wise and then run off with someone else or already were with someone! The first proper relationship ended because neither parents agreed with it..he would have been about 18-20 at the time, his girlfriend had a child from another relationship and his parents didn't approve. He said they wanted to get married but it never happened. Now if that was me I would have told my parents to butt out and mind their own business, but..hey ho.

 

Talking of kids, I have never ever want to start a family so that really isn't an issue. We have talked about that already.

 

He keeps saying he doesn't want to end up on his own but he isn't exactly going the right way about it! He has a young 25 year old woman with no other commitments wanting to marry him but he's so stubborn or so set in his ways he won't take the next step.

 

Anyway, he still hasn't been in touch with me since Wednesday evening so I guess I'll leave it until he contacts me?

[OpenBook]

This is your problem in a nutshell: You're way too accessible to him! I would definitely stop sleeping with him, and become more distant and aloof - i.e., keep your phone conversations short; don't discuss anything heavy with him; start doing other things without him; become less available to him.

 

He's got it made. You've made it way too easy for him to enjoy Fabulous You without any strings attached. So there's no motivation for him to "get off the pot."

 

If you really want to find out how much you mean to him, then start detangling yourself from him, emotionally and physically.

 

But one caveat to this advice: You must be prepared to let him go and walk away if he doesn't step up to the plate and propose to you. This is by far the hardest thing in the world to do! But if he doesn't propose, then you're wasting your precious time anyway.

[blizzard]

Just my 2cents worth. My now stbx and I dated/lived together for 6yrs before marrying. I met him when I was 25 and he was 32. He had also lived at home until the age of 31. The year we met he had his first roommate. Also, he had only been involved in one serious relationship. I gave an ultimatum to commit to a relationship after dating for 2yrs or so. He chose noncommiting so I ended things. He called months later with a change heart. For 4 more years we dated, and I waited and waited for a proposal. The moon, the planets...everything was aligned for us to have a life together. Nothing happened. Just money spent on his hobbies, etc. Once again, I had to dish out another ultimatum. Marry me or I am history. He finally chose marriage. But, before we married he went out an bought a brand new sports car...

To make a long story short. These men never change. They are selfish, immature and have their priorities all wrong. Run now. I harbor so much resentment from "back then" and how he still treats me now. Truly, your man has issues now that he will carry over into marriage...just in a different form. Find a man that will recognize how much of a great catch you are and give you memory that you can hold steadfast to and reflect on for the rest of your life. A proposal you didn't have to work for. good luck.

[allina]

I don't want to be insensitive but I feel like he's doing you a favor. Hopefully this will be the push you need to forget him and find a man who is close to your age and wants to marry you. You're better off with someone else. His age will catch up to him and you might end up being a care giver by the time you're 40 I also think it would be a little unfair to the children you may have with him.

[Angel1111]

First of all, I totally agree with your family that the age difference is too much. You're playing with fire with this and you think love will be enough but it won't. But I'm sure you've done the math so if you still thinks it's a good idea, then so be it. I also agree with him that it's a bad idea to live together before getting married. However, having said that, I don't think he's interested in marrying you. No matter how much he talks about marriage, he's just putting you off. The other side of that is, you need to stop bringing up this issue. Putting pressure on him about it is the worst thing you can do. Just accept that either a guy wants to marry you or he doesn't. And if you're not ok with the way things are now, then get out of the relationship. Yes, it really is that simple.

 

Here's an observation though. You don't have any respect for this guy. You think he's ruled by his mother and that he's too dependent on his parents' approval. Whether you're right or not, the disrespect you have toward him comes across in your words. Trust me when I tell you that if you married him, you'd lose even more respect for him. This is a death sentence to a relationship.

 

I think you need to look at this relationship more honestly. He is too old for you, and the two of you just aren't on the same page about some really important things. If you don't want to deal with ending the relationship with him, then you're still better off not marrying him.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Angel1111

[wishingonastar]

Thanks for your message "open book". I'll definately take those comments on board and see if they have any effect (and I'm not just saying that..I mean it! LOL)

 

I am too "there" for him and too willing to drop everything to see him etc. I'm 25, young, just started a new job..I think I need to think more about myself and think positive .. the rest as they say will follow.

 

Thank you

[wishingonastar]

Apologies to everyone else..I have only just seen your messages (on another page).

 

Well, you've made me think about things I've never thought about before, all of you, and for that I am truly grateful. OBVIOUSLY lol the age-gap thing, I've thought about that and made my mind up, that's not an issue for me, but all the other points raised certainly are.

 

Thanks again everyone, your posts haven't been in vain. I feel more calm now and patient, thinking more rationally and have sat back and looked at the situation as a whole and as an observer as you guys are doing.

 

I'm such a hopeless romantic, I'm one of those people who thinks with her heart not her head. . .

 

The good news is me and my boyfriend are talking again, he contacted me (which is a good sign..). From now on though I'm playing it cool, I'm not mentioning the M word and I'm going to start enjoying life again because this whole saga has been getting me down for I don't know how long!

 

I know I keep repeating myself but thank you everyone who has taken the time out to comment, thanks for your honesty and advice xx

 

Any more feedback is gratefully received!!

 

Also, anyone else who is in the same boat, please feel free to contact me..as I've discovered on here, it's good to talk..