is it possible to love both the spouse and the AP?

[joey66]

Likely this topic has come up before, so if I am thrashing a deceased equine, please forgive me.

 

Any married APs out there who love their spouse and the AP? I'll start. I think I do. My W is a fine woman and my relationship with the MW has nothing to do with her.

 

Also, I know this will fall on deaf ears ... er ... eyes, but if your only reply is to tell me how terrible I am, or how I am deceiving myself, or how I need to make a decision, etc., then please just don't. I am willing to stipulate in advance that I am a terrible person with no redeeming qualities. K? Thanks so much.

[Moanin]

I think you can love both. However, I don't think it's the same type of love for both. If you've fallen in love with your AP, it means that your heart was available to fall in love with someone else. The love you feel for your spouse is probably similar to the love you feel for your other family members and less of a romantic love...

[Minnie09]

No, I don't think you can love both. Love is a commitment, a choice. It leads to a state of companionship and, ideally, stays that way, combined with loyalty, respect and passion (passion being the factor that is likely to disappear fast).

 

The AP gives you something different, new and exciting, and since you are "in love" with them, it can be easily confused with the love thing. However, as time goes by and if you choose the AP over your spouse, the same void will creep up making you look for the excited "in love" feeling elsewhere.

 

If you keep both, M and A, you will always feel that longing for the AP, because they are less available due to the secrecy factor. This pining and longing may be confused with love, but IMO it's just a hormonal, chemical state of your body. If someone has an affair, they are prone to having affairs in the first place, which means that they are probably a little bit addicted to the thrill.

 

I totally understand, though, that the thrill is addictive. But is it love? Not very likely, IMO.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think you can love both. If that is the love someone has for me...I don't want it. The man I want can love only one person at a time and he wouldn't do anything to hurt me...that's the kind of love I deserve.

[whichwayisup]

Wife= Reliable, there for you, supportive, has your back no matter what, loving, your family, mother to your kids, nurturer, love that is growing and long lasting. She knows you, good and bad and accepts you for who you are. She's cleaned up after you, fought with you, cried with you, cleaned up puke possibly, and still loves you because you're her husband.

 

OW-Passion, sex, hot, fun, exciting, wakes up a feeling in you that you haven't had in a long time, makes you feel good, sexy and special, thinks you're the king and can probably do no wrong because of the passion.

 

So, you decide who you love more, based on LUST/HOT SEX/NEW intense feelings or LONG lasting love with someone who is going to be there for you no matter what, even if you sh..it your pants your wife will still love you (she'll probably clean it up for you because that's what spouses do for eachother when ill) unlike the OW who would probably run and not want to catch what you have, let alone help you into the shower, do your laundry.

 

One day you WILL get caught and maybe your wife will divorce you, then you can have all the hot sex and lust you want with intense feelings with your OW. Just know when that settles down, you may not feel "inlove" with your OW and you probably will miss your wife and all the qualities that made you fall inlove with her (your wife.).

 

Just my 2 cents.

[sally4sara]

I think it is about love, but not for the spouse or the AP.

It about love for yourself to the point where you can't afford anyone else respect and honesty because you're too busy serving YOU YOU YOU.

[norajane]

I don't think you can "fully" love both people. There will be some element missing with both of them. Different elements with each, probably, but there will be something less than complete and full love for both of them. If you were to fully love one, there would be no room to fully love the other.

 

Think of it as a division of assets. You may be equally invested in both, but not fully invested in either. As you said, your love for one has nothing to do with the other. So, you've compartmentalized, i.e., divided your assets (love, attention, time, and the parts of yourself and your self that you give to them).

 

Love is about giving, not feeling. You can't give 100% of yourself to two people at the same time.

[herenow]

Likely this topic has come up before, so if I am thrashing a deceased equine, please forgive me.

 

Any married APs out there who love their spouse and the AP? I'll start. I think I do. My W is a fine woman and my relationship with the MW has nothing to do with her.

 

Also, I know this will fall on deaf ears ... er ... eyes, but if your only reply is to tell me how terrible I am, or how I am deceiving myself, or how I need to make a decision, etc., then please just don't. I am willing to stipulate in advance that I am a terrible person with no redeeming qualities. K? Thanks so much.

 

You seem quite happy with your situation, so that's great.

 

One question: Does your wife know about the MW? I only ask because, if you really love her, you would tell her the truth and give her the chance to decide if she is OK with it. That would also give her the choice to find a MM for herself. Sharing is great, but not when you are the only one who knows that the sharing is going on.

[Butterfly11]

I think you can love two people, I love more than one...my mom, my dad, my son, etc

 

I know we are talking about romantic love though. I've never loved two people but I could see how it is possible. If you can love more than one child, more than one friend, more than one parent...why not more than one romantic partner?

[norajane]

I think you can love two people, I love more than one...my mom, my dad, my son, etc

 

I know we are talking about romantic love though. I've never loved two people but I could see how it is possible. If you can love more than one child, more than one friend, more than one parent...why not more than one romantic partner?

 

Because it's a whole other thing. Involving sex and passion - that changes everything. It's not at all the same as familial or fraternal love.

[Butterfly11]

Because it's a whole other thing. Involving sex and passion - that changes everything. It's not at all the same as familial or fraternal love.

Yes it is different, but why? Why is romantic love limited to just one person but familial or fraternal love can be limitless?

[xxoo]

I believe it is possible to love two people. Polyamorous people manage this--openly, honestly, and happily--all the time.

 

I have a difficult time understanding how a person can enjoy a secret affair when they truly love and care for their spouse, though. Hurting the one I love hurts me. I can not enjoy actions that will cause him terrible pain.

[Snowflower]

Likely this topic has come up before, so if I am thrashing a deceased equine, please forgive me.

 

Okay this part really makes me laugh.Thanks for the humor.

Any married APs out there who love their spouse and the AP? I'll start. I think I do. My W is a fine woman and my relationship with the MW has nothing to do with her.

 

Also, I know this will fall on deaf ears ... er ... eyes, but if your only reply is to tell me how terrible I am, or how I am deceiving myself, or how I need to make a decision, etc., then please just don't. I am willing to stipulate in advance that I am a terrible person with no redeeming qualities. K? Thanks so much.

 

I can't really answer all your questions since I'm not a married AP but a married BS. But, I promise I won't thrash you! I like reading the WH perspective!

 

Can I just say from your wife's standpoint, that this isn't fair to her? Like another poster asked, does your wife know about the affair? I can't remember...

 

All I will say is that if my H had said he loved me and the OW, then I would have deemed it unfair to me and divorced him. I can't share the man I love with anyone. And I also feel that when you love someone, you give a part of your soul away. I also couldn't have dealt with that in the man I loved.

 

But, I think that men and women (grossly generalizing, I know) think/feel differently about this type of thing. So, not sure how helpful this was to you but maybe it would be more the viewpoint of your wife?

[crazycatlady]

Yes its possible, but its not right nor is it ethical to do it cheating And this is not the right way to bring about a polyamorous relationship with either women, but especially you wife. Be prepared to lose her, but you owe her the truth. If you love her, you owe her the truth.

 

CCL

[mmk1]

I truly believe you cannot love your spouse and have an A. You just won't cheat on someone you really love.

[Spark1111]

Joey66, maybe the question to ask yourself is how does your AP make you feel?

 

Or, even better, HOW do YOU feel with your affair partner?

 

If your wife could make you feel the very same way, who would You choose???

 

Next set of questions:

 

How would you feel if your wife, who you say you love, was off having wild hot passionate sex with another man? One who made her feel oh-so-beautiful, sexy, funny, intelligent?

 

Im not being judgemental here....just really want to know your feelings on this. I think answering these questions may help you....

 

If you could choose one woman to see, to talk to, five minutes before you died, which one would it be???? And why?????

[Silly_Girl]

Yes it is different, but why? Why is romantic love limited to just one person but familial or fraternal love can be limitless?

 

Traditional relationships as I have been raised to know involves a specific commitment to the other person. There is NO unsaid expectation when you have one child that you will devote yourself to your firstborn only and that it would be disrespectful in some way to have a second child. With relationships the default is that it's 1+1 and anything else needs to be agreed between the two.

 

Also the intimacy. Physical and emotional. Having a fulfilling romantic relationship often involves sharing parts of you that you wouldn't with another. It is an intense experience and often the way you can show yourself to that ONE PERSON is one of the cornerstones of what makes you two as a couple valuable and worthwhile. If you not only can share that with someone else, but DO then you've broken the bond are unlikely to get it back, in my view.

[secretlady76]

Likely this topic has come up before, so if I am thrashing a deceased equine, please forgive me.

 

Any married APs out there who love their spouse and the AP? I'll start. I think I do. My W is a fine woman and my relationship with the MW has nothing to do with her.

 

Also, I know this will fall on deaf ears ... er ... eyes, but if your only reply is to tell me how terrible I am, or how I am deceiving myself, or how I need to make a decision, etc., then please just don't. I am willing to stipulate in advance that I am a terrible person with no redeeming qualities. K? Thanks so much.

 

Hello Joey66, I think you can love two people but in different ways, as other people have written. Problem is that one ends up reliant on both to be complete and I wonder/worry weather without one, the other simply withers and dies. Whilst one has both, in ones mind it is totally perfect. You fiercely protect both and cherish both but when push comes to shove, which would you stop from falling off a cliff if you only had one arm spare.....tough call, trust me, I have asked myself this many a time....I would hazzard a guess and say, if you couldn't save both then you'd probably jump off yourself....

[White Flower]

I don't believe you can be in love with two people at the same time, but I do believe you can love two people for different reasons. Maybe he loves me because there is passion for the same interests, my intelligence, and my other passionate qualities. Maybe he loves her for the stability, the reliability, her commitment and the fact that she's proven to love him no matter what (what she knows anyway) for 40 years. My love of 5 years just can't compete with that, not in his mind I assume. So while I know he must love us for different reasons, I do not believe he is in love with both of us.

 

I absoltely adore my friends and want to spend a lot of time with them. But if I had a choice to be with the one I'm in love with, or the ones I love, I will choose to spend time with the one I'm in love with.

 

Joey, did you find both to be as sexually arousing as each other? Was the intimacy equal?

[pureinheart]

Likely this topic has come up before, so if I am thrashing a deceased equine, please forgive me.

 

Any married APs out there who love their spouse and the AP? I'll start. I think I do. My W is a fine woman and my relationship with the MW has nothing to do with her.

 

Also, I know this will fall on deaf ears ... er ... eyes, but if your only reply is to tell me how terrible I am, or how I am deceiving myself, or how I need to make a decision, etc., then please just don't. I am willing to stipulate in advance that I am a terrible person with no redeeming qualities. K? Thanks so much.

 

I don't think you are a terrible person, on the contrary...my heart goes out to you as this is such a difficult situation to be in...you must be so torn inside, the back and forth, what to do, what not to do....(((((((((hugs Joey))))))))))...

[pureinheart]

Joey66, maybe the question to ask yourself is how does your AP make you feel?

 

Or, even better, HOW do YOU feel with your affair partner?

 

If your wife could make you feel the very same way, who would You choose???

 

Next set of questions:

 

How would you feel if your wife, who you say you love, was off having wild hot passionate sex with another man? One who made her feel oh-so-beautiful, sexy, funny, intelligent?

 

Im not being judgemental here....just really want to know your feelings on this. I think answering these questions may help you....

 

If you could choose one woman to see, to talk to, five minutes before you died, which one would it be???? And why?????

 

These questions should give you the answers...this is really good Spark...

[WalkInThePark]

I think it is possible to love several people but I don't think you can be IN LOVE with more than one person. It seems like the very nature of being in love would prevent that this feeling is not exclusively aimed at one person.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can't answer this from the perspective of an affair partner. I haven't ever had romantic love for two people simultaneously but I would venture to guess its possible.

 

What I know is that I can't stand myself, have a hard time reconcililing with my self when I hurt someone I love. Maybe I've lost my temper and spoken harshly to a child, my spouse or a family member. That hurts me, I don't feel a content love for them or myself until I have asked and received forgiveness. So I KNOW for a fact that I could not love someone that I am betraying because I would have to dislike them terribly to purposefully do that. My love would not be genuine, it would be false and I need as a person for everything I have control over to be "real" or congruent.

 

So while, it may be possible to love two people, I don't believe its at all possible to love someone you choose to betray. Those things are in opposition. I also think it would make it difficult to love myself if I knew I need to carry on a disingenuous relationship with someone I had one time loved, to meet my needs.

[Gfkr2]

No, I don't see how it is possible if the WS is totally HONEST with their feelings. After D-day, WW says she still "loves" me. She openly expressed love for her MM to everyone after being unmasked. Her expression of "love" is merely a way of trying to keep her options open ie. manipulation). It aint working here.

[silktricks]

Likely this topic has come up before, so if I am thrashing a deceased equine, please forgive me.

 

Any married APs out there who love their spouse and the AP? I'll start. I think I do. My W is a fine woman and my relationship with the MW has nothing to do with her.

 

I would think it is totally possible. Otherwise how could polygamous marriages ever work?