The Aftermath of Dumping a Best Friend

[artsy]

Hi Everyone!

 

I've never shared at a forum before, but here goes! And sorry if this is long...

 

A few months ago, I had to make the tough decision to say goodbye to my friend whom I had known for many years and also shared an excellent {remote}working relationship with as well.

 

There were many factors which played into my final decision to end the friendship. I looked at it from all angles and did not see a way I could continue on with it, without sacrificing my own feelings.

 

For the past few months I have been suffering from self doubt and guilt over my decision. My friend, who is male - I'm female, did something that hurt many people, me being one of them. His actions led me to experience kind of a disillusionment - I couldn't rectify the wonderful person I knew with this seemingly 'new' person, one who acted so selfishly and recklessly. As much as I wanted to help him, which he rejected anyway, I was truly disgusted by not only what he had done, but the insane way he handled it afterwards - which involved sweeping it under the carpet and lying, your basic denial. What he did doesn't matter in the end, what does matter is that he'd been lying for years and playing me and others for his own emotional and personal gain.

 

I tried to help and talk with him about it honestly when he told me what he had done, unfortunately I was stonewalled. He simply sat in front of me crying, but barely said a word. Mostly just "I'm sorry if I hurt you..." After I made the decision to end the friendship I found out more lies he had told me about what had happened. He was trying to put himself in the best light, and was protecting himself from further wrath of his few friends and his family by making promises he had no intention of keeping. Which is no excuse.

 

I know as friends, we are supposed to stick by each other. But have any of you been in a similar situation, where you cannot stand by and watch a friend systematically dismantle theirs and others' lives and support them when they won't acknowledge what they've done? I truly care for him and every day I wonder how he's doing. I know that he feels that I've judged him unfairly, and he still has no clue why I ended it. Even though I had explained to him at the time that I can't justify a friendship with someone whom I can't trust anymore, and has the capacity to act like a sociopath. I made it clear to him that he'd have to pick up the slack and make the effort to fix it with me, which so far has included one lame phone call from him, where he demonstrated that he was still in deep denial.

 

Sometimes I think, 'well did I judge him unfairly?' and I never know the answer. If he were a drug addict and not in control of what he does, it might be a different story. As much as I'd like to forget about everything and call him, I won't because I'm still smarting from being lied to. I didn't do what I did to punish him, I did it to protect myself.

 

Would you all stay committed to a friendship when the person is demonstrating no ability or desire to recognize reality and keep trying to help them? Should we look past our own ethics and say 'this person is in severe emotional distress and broken, I should just suck it up and forgive him and move on.'? As time passes I become less and less sure.

 

Any insights are appreciated, and thanks so much for reading.

[vintagecat]

I'm all for saving a relationship. When people make mistakes, own up, make amends and take a better path, that's all you can ask of a human being. This doesn't sound like the case and it doesn't sound like there is any salvation at this point without compromising your integrity or person.

 

You could always leave the door open in the future for a changed and penitent friend but make sure the threshold is high. Given what you described, it sounds like you did what you had to do.

 

Cat

[artsy]

I think you hit the nail on the head, vintagecat, the key issue for me is making amends and making sure that he does everything in his power to try and be a better guy – which he has not yet shown a capacity for. Yeah for sure, people do make all sorts of horrible mistakes and hurt people, but it makes all the difference if they say "Hey, I'm an idiot right now, I need help." instead of playing the victim and the blame game.

 

Yes, right now the door is still open, and I've also made that clear to him, but I guess it is finite in terms of time. I don't know whether to give it weeks or months. And most definitely, if anything ever gets put back together, my tolerance will be extremely low. The dream would be if he suddenly had some epiphany and said "Whoops, I JUST now figured it out..."

 

I don't have any reason right now to believe he could ever change back into the person he used to be - if he doesn't know he has changed, he won't - so perhaps it's moot...

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

I'm all for saving a relationship. When people make mistakes, own up, make amends and take a better path, that's all you can ask of a human being. This doesn't sound like the case and it doesn't sound like there is any salvation at this point without compromising your integrity or person.

 

You could always leave the door open in the future for a changed and penitent friend but make sure the threshold is high. Given what you described, it sounds like you did what you had to do.

 

Cat

[flying]

I think you hit the nail on the head, vintagecat, the key issue for me is making amends and making sure that he does everything in his power to try and be a better guy – which he has not yet shown a capacity for. Yeah for sure, people do make all sorts of horrible mistakes and hurt people, but it makes all the difference if they say "Hey, I'm an idiot right now, I need help." instead of playing the victim and the blame game.

 

Yes, right now the door is still open, and I've also made that clear to him, but I guess it is finite in terms of time. I don't know whether to give it weeks or months. And most definitely, if anything ever gets put back together, my tolerance will be extremely low. The dream would be if he suddenly had some epiphany and said "Whoops, I JUST now figured it out..."

 

I don't have any reason right now to believe he could ever change back into the person he used to be - if he doesn't know he has changed, he won't - so perhaps it's moot...

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

It's a tough call...in general I'm a pretty forgiving person, but there are exactly two cases in my life where I realized I can't get past what someone has done. Part of it was the broken trust - and while I can and have forgiven someone doing something awful, what really matters in preserving the friendship is whether I think they're liable to keep doing it - whether I think our trust can be restored. It's a judgment call for you, for sure.

 

I guess the thing in your case is, it sounds like this guy didn't change really - that he was kind of always this way, only you happened to find out about it through this situation. So the question is, can you still have a friendship with him, but a revised one?

 

That's kind of what I ended up doing in the case of one of the two people that I was referring to earlier...I just didn't feel as close to her as I once had, although I didn't despise her or anything. But I didn't feel like I could really rely on her again in the way that I once had. So we're still "friends" but it's a very different level of friendship now.

 

I'm sorry, it's always sad to lose a friendship.

[freestyle]

This may a scenario where you have to walk away and let your friend hit rock bottom.

 

If he's been lying to people and hurting people, even those closest to him,

 

..then he really needs to get reacquainted with his own conscience.He's got a lot of soul-searching to do. Then, maybe, he can start the long road of rebuilding trust with those nearest and dearest.

 

Unfortunately , that usually doesn't happen until everyone has walked away.................I know it's hard, and it's easy to fall into feeling guilty, but IMO, you'd be doing him a favor, by allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions.It's the only way he'll learn and grow.

[EHS]

First of all, I am terribly sorry about what happened between you and your friend. I know how painful it is to let go of a good friendship. I have been there many times. And while in the short-term I regretted it, in the long-term I knew I had made the right choice. Hindsight always affords perspective.

 

You simply HAVE to save yourself from toxic friendships. You must preserve your integrity and dignity at all costs. It sounds like your friend has some serious soul-searching and growing up to do. If he owned up to his obviously grave mistake and promised to make amends, then I could see you continuing to move forward with a friendship with him, provided that he proved himself in the sense of wanting to repair the damage he has wrought. But if he is in such deep denial, and refuses to accept your generous aid, then what choice do you have but to let him go?

 

Friendships are a choice. We are not bound to them; we can elect to move on from them if they are no longer mutually satisfying. If we don't feel a friendship is being reciprocated as it should, then we don't have to stick around out of some sense of loyalty.

 

You say your friend doesn't seem like he understands why you have let him go, but I think he does, and just can't openly acknowledge it. However, have you considered writing him a letter explaining in excruciating detail why you have done as you have? That way, you've expounded on the reasons IN WRITING, and you will leave no doubts in his mind whatsoever about your motivation for cutting him off as you have. And in the long run, maybe you will enable him to see the egregious error of his ways.

 

Hi Everyone!

 

I've never shared at a forum before, but here goes! And sorry if this is long...

 

A few months ago, I had to make the tough decision to say goodbye to my friend whom I had known for many years and also shared an excellent {remote}working relationship with as well.

 

There were many factors which played into my final decision to end the friendship. I looked at it from all angles and did not see a way I could continue on with it, without sacrificing my own feelings.

 

For the past few months I have been suffering from self doubt and guilt over my decision. My friend, who is male - I'm female, did something that hurt many people, me being one of them. His actions led me to experience kind of a disillusionment - I couldn't rectify the wonderful person I knew with this seemingly 'new' person, one who acted so selfishly and recklessly. As much as I wanted to help him, which he rejected anyway, I was truly disgusted by not only what he had done, but the insane way he handled it afterwards - which involved sweeping it under the carpet and lying, your basic denial. What he did doesn't matter in the end, what does matter is that he'd been lying for years and playing me and others for his own emotional and personal gain.

 

I tried to help and talk with him about it honestly when he told me what he had done, unfortunately I was stonewalled. He simply sat in front of me crying, but barely said a word. Mostly just "I'm sorry if I hurt you..." After I made the decision to end the friendship I found out more lies he had told me about what had happened. He was trying to put himself in the best light, and was protecting himself from further wrath of his few friends and his family by making promises he had no intention of keeping. Which is no excuse.

 

I know as friends, we are supposed to stick by each other. But have any of you been in a similar situation, where you cannot stand by and watch a friend systematically dismantle theirs and others' lives and support them when they won't acknowledge what they've done? I truly care for him and every day I wonder how he's doing. I know that he feels that I've judged him unfairly, and he still has no clue why I ended it. Even though I had explained to him at the time that I can't justify a friendship with someone whom I can't trust anymore, and has the capacity to act like a sociopath. I made it clear to him that he'd have to pick up the slack and make the effort to fix it with me, which so far has included one lame phone call from him, where he demonstrated that he was still in deep denial.

 

Sometimes I think, 'well did I judge him unfairly?' and I never know the answer. If he were a drug addict and not in control of what he does, it might be a different story. As much as I'd like to forget about everything and call him, I won't because I'm still smarting from being lied to. I didn't do what I did to punish him, I did it to protect myself.

 

Would you all stay committed to a friendship when the person is demonstrating no ability or desire to recognize reality and keep trying to help them? Should we look past our own ethics and say 'this person is in severe emotional distress and broken, I should just suck it up and forgive him and move on.'? As time passes I become less and less sure.

 

Any insights are appreciated, and thanks so much for reading.

[WalkInThePark]

But have any of you been in a similar situation, where you cannot stand by and watch a friend systematically dismantle theirs and others' lives and support them when they won't acknowledge what they've done? I truly care for him and every day I wonder how he's doing. I know that he feels that I've judged him unfairly, and he still has no clue why I ended it. Even though I had explained to him at the time that I can't justify a friendship with someone whom I can't trust anymore, and has the capacity to act like a sociopath. I made it clear to him that he'd have to pick up the slack and make the effort to fix it with me, which so far has included one lame phone call from him, where he demonstrated that he was still in deep denial.

 

I think acknowledgement is the key. How can you forgive someone who refuses to admit that he did something wrong? It just does not work.

 

I am currently in a similar situation with a friend who says of himself that he is very honest but at the same time lies about a number of things. I feel like for him it is simply enough to SAY that he is honest.

 

I am curious what kind of thing it was that this friend did (just because I wonder if it might be something similar to what mine did). If you don't want to throw it on the forum, maybe you can explain it in a couple of words in a pm?

[artsy]

It's a tough call...in general I'm a pretty forgiving person, but there are exactly two cases in my life where I realized I can't get past what someone has done. Part of it was the broken trust - and while I can and have forgiven someone doing something awful, what really matters in preserving the friendship is whether I think they're liable to keep doing it - whether I think our trust can be restored. It's a judgment call for you, for sure.

 

I guess the thing in your case is, it sounds like this guy didn't change really - that he was kind of always this way, only you happened to find out about it through this situation. So the question is, can you still have a friendship with him, but a revised one?

 

That's kind of what I ended up doing in the case of one of the two people that I was referring to earlier...I just didn't feel as close to her as I once had, although I didn't despise her or anything. But I didn't feel like I could really rely on her again in the way that I once had. So we're still "friends" but it's a very different level of friendship now.

 

I'm sorry, it's always sad to lose a friendship.

 

HI flying, thank for your reply!

 

Yes it seems the broken trust thing is very important in these situations.

Me too, I'm very forgiving and very patient. I can take a lot, but friends' character is very important to me.

 

No he didn't, he kind of reminds me of the little kid who gets put in the naughty corner and will say what he has to, to be allowed to play with his toys again. A mumbled "Sorry" doesn't really cut it.

 

I always thought he had enough good judgment and smarts to not end up being such a schmuck in the 3rd degree. But I did predict a couple of years ago that he might hurt himself by doing something dumb, but I never thought he had it in him to destroy other people's lives - emotionally. I've always been proud of him and we are so alike and admired those qualities that I like about myself. So in essence I'm disappointed in myself for being duped.

 

I honestly believe that we could never go back to that carefree happy friendship, yapping on the phone and working creatively together. And I also believe now that he's been 'abandoned' by almost his only friend, that he'll never be able to function without fear and mistrust. He's so scared of me now that he won't reach out and make the effort, he just hides.

 

I see what you mean about your female friend, exactly - you don't hate her, just like I don't hate him {he thinks I hate him though}. I feel like, 'Will I be wondering if he's lying about everything he says?'. Like you, I'm utterly disappointed, not being able to rely on him as my #1 right hand friend. So you're saying it's more superficial now with your friend?

[artsy]

This may a scenario where you have to walk away and let your friend hit rock bottom.

 

If he's been lying to people and hurting people, even those closest to him,

 

..then he really needs to get reacquainted with his own conscience.He's got a lot of soul-searching to do. Then, maybe, he can start the long road of rebuilding trust with those nearest and dearest.

 

Unfortunately , that usually doesn't happen until everyone has walked away.................I know it's hard, and it's easy to fall into feeling guilty, but IMO, you'd be doing him a favor, by allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions.It's the only way he'll learn and grow.

 

Hi freestyle!

 

You are ever so right on every count.

 

Even though the point of my actions was not to punish, I hoped that he would at the very least understand that he can't treat people the way he did and expect that I was going to pat him on the head and be sympathetic. Instead what he got was a blast of reality from me that he couldn't take.

 

I in fact told him that eventually he would lose everything and everyone - we would all walk away if he continued along this route. I thought the best place for him was to sit on a rock on a deserted island and think for maybe 2 years or so!

 

Thanks for replying!

[artsy]

Thanks EHS, I appreciate it!

 

I think I am in it for the long term as well, and am trying to get over the short term regret.

Yes toxic friendships are a great detriment to my integrity. Over the years I've been treated badly and have a strict 'code' of beliefs for the way I let people treat me. It kills me, that my friend in question used to be the one I would talk about all these other horrible people, and he joined their ranks!

 

I agree, what other choice do I have? I gave him multiple chances in the beginning to make it right - eg:

ME: "Now I know you lied to me about XYZ, can you please explain it so I can at least understand?"

HIM: "Uh...there may be something to that but I won't go though it..."

 

I think too that somewhere deep down he does understand, he seems to be overly focused on the labels that people would assign to him rather than the behaviour itself. So to admit that he lied makes him a LIAR. Therefore he won't admit it.

 

Actually yes, when this all happened I sat down at my computer, smoked about 200 cigarettes and stayed up all night feverishly writing a letter, which became an opus. After I spoke to him face to face, and he didn't understand what I was saying point blank, I decided not to send it as I knew he wouldn't understand that either - either that and/or just deny it anyway. But it made me feel a little better so it wasn't a waste of time. The few friends I spoke to about this {it was so sensitive that I could barely spit it out} all sad that it was a pipe dream to hope that he'll finally see the error of his ways since his head is so far up his arse. But I never give up on anyone, I do hope that will happen, if not involving me, but perhaps the others in his life.

 

Thanks again EHS!

[artsy]

I think acknowledgement is the key. How can you forgive someone who refuses to admit that he did something wrong? It just does not work.

 

I am currently in a similar situation with a friend who says of himself that he is very honest but at the same time lies about a number of things. I feel like for him it is simply enough to SAY that he is honest.

 

I am curious what kind of thing it was that this friend did (just because I wonder if it might be something similar to what mine did). If you don't want to throw it on the forum, maybe you can explain it in a couple of words in a pm?

 

Hi WalkInThePark!

 

Isn't it traumatic to find out about lies? I mean we all lie, but to trust someone for years and years and suddenly BAM! It's like finding out someone has a double life - just feels like you never knew them and wasted a whole bunch of time.

 

I'm sorry that you are in the same situation, it's so tough.

I looked for the PM in the message centre but it said that I don't have enough permissions to access that area, and no PM icon shows up for me on anyone's name. Any ideas?

Edited August 6, 2010 by artsy
Bolding missing

[freestyle]

If you want to build up your PM priveledges more quickly, you can always jabber at the water cooler section-the more posts you have, the quicker you become an established member.

 

occasionally there's word games going there which can be somewhat rapid fire, and help you to build your post count.(BTW, I'm still waiting for someone to solve the last word that was posted in that game,I'd like to see it get resurrected.........)

 

Or you can jump into the off-topic section........

[artsy]

Oh my I didn't realize I had to qualify. Thanks for the info, freestyle!

[freestyle]

It's one way to weed out trolls and spammers........

 

I believe you need either 30 or 50 posts before you can PM.

 

(but don't quote me on that..)

[You Go Girl]

There's nothing you can do until this person looks you in the eye and has the on the level emotions that a normal sincere person has.

Until that time, this person is OFF.

You can't make him right, only he can do that.

For now, you have to protect yourself. And these people don't cure themselves overnight either.

So there's no other choice. This friendship is over for some time to come, and perhaps forever. If he ever comes to you a changed man sometime not in the immediate future, you will know it when it happens. It will be in his eyes, his tone of voice, his choice of words. Trust your instincts on this one.

[artsy]

Hi You Go Girl!

 

I truly think that you're right. I guess the worry and frustration comes from a feeling of powerlessness. There isn't anything I can or should do about this, and it sucks. If the friendship is indeed over forever, it won't be because I didn't offer him help and every chance he probably didn't deserve.

 

There's nothing you can do until this person looks you in the eye and has the on the level emotions that a normal sincere person has.

Until that time, this person is OFF.

You can't make him right, only he can do that.

For now, you have to protect yourself. And these people don't cure themselves overnight either.

So there's no other choice. This friendship is over for some time to come, and perhaps forever. If he ever comes to you a changed man sometime not in the immediate future, you will know it when it happens. It will be in his eyes, his tone of voice, his choice of words. Trust your instincts on this one.

[You Go Girl]

I'm oblivious to what he did. But for purposes of discussion--I'll pretend he's an alcoholic that kept borrowing your car and driving under the influence.

He has a problem that has nothing to do with you.

Enabling or helping him avoid his problem or find ways around it does nothing to help him.

You put yourself at risk with his behavior.

It doesn't matter what his problem is, point being the 3 things I mentioned above likely apply.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I have no idea what your friend did, and you obviously do not want to say, but it does matter, obviously, to you. It must have been pretty awful, it sounds like. At least as important as what he did, is what he has tried to do to correct it, make amends, or change. This is a tough situation you are dealing with. Every once in a while, you become aware that life is better without someone in it, than with someone in it. Normally, this is not a big deal, but when it is a really close friend, with whom you have shared trust, good times, or confidences, it can be very painful. To call someone a friend is not something that most people do lightly (well, some probably do, but not me).

 

Toxic friends (with or without any romantic involvement) are among the hardest things in life to deal with. It sounds like you believe that your friend may fall into this category, but you are not completely sure. Every once in a while, you also realize that someone you thought you knew very well, you didn't really know at all.

 

It is important to try to see the good in people, and to preserve friendships, if at all possible. Still, there are limits, and only you can decide if your friend has crossed the line of no return. I am a big believer in forgiveness, but for there to be forgiveness, in my view, there has to be at least some acknowledgment from the party being forgiven that they have done something wrong, and are doing whatever is possible to make it right - or at minimum have learned from the experience and are trying to change, if it is not something that can be made right. If you do not see any of that from your friend, then letting him go may be the right decision.

 

As others have said, it's about trust. Really great friendships (any kind of close relationships, really), are all ultimately about trust. If you think the trust can be restored, it may be worth saving. If you don't, then it probably isn't, because a friend you cannot trust, is not a friend at all.

 

You might try just giving your friend some space. Don't slam the door, but make clear that he has disappointed you, and that he would need to show you that he has changed, or that what he did really isn't who he is. If he is willing to keep trying, and fight for the friendship, it may be worth saving. If he just fades away (as sometimes happens), then he probably wasn't the friend you thought he was to begin with.

Edited August 9, 2010 by WithOrWithoutYou

[artsy]

I'm oblivious to what he did. But for purposes of discussion--I'll pretend he's an alcoholic that kept borrowing your car and driving under the influence.

He has a problem that has nothing to do with you.

Enabling or helping him avoid his problem or find ways around it does nothing to help him.

You put yourself at risk with his behavior.

It doesn't matter what his problem is, point being the 3 things I mentioned above likely apply.

 

Yes, that is one of the reasons I cut him off - because my association with him put me in his direct line of fire. I made sure that whatever he did in the future, would not affect me.

 

[artsy]

I have no idea what your friend did, and you obviously do not want to say, but it does matter, obviously, to you. It must have been pretty awful, it sounds like. At least as important as what he did, is what he has tried to do to correct it, make amends, or change. This is a tough situation you are dealing with. Every once in a while, you become aware that life is better without someone in it, than with someone in it. Normally, this is not a big deal, but when it is a really close friend, with whom you have shared trust, good times, or confidences, it can be very painful. To call someone a friend is not something that most people do lightly (well, some probably do, but not me).

 

Toxic friends (with or without any romantic involvement) are among the hardest things in life to deal with. It sounds like you believe that your friend may fall into this category, but you are not completely sure. Every once in a while, you also realize that someone you thought you knew very well, you didn't really know at all.

 

It is important to try to see the good in people, and to preserve friendships, if at all possible. Still, there are limits, and only you can decide if your friend has crossed the line of no return. I am a big believer in forgiveness, but for there to be forgiveness, in my view, there has to be at least some acknowledgment from the party being forgiven that they have done something wrong, and are doing whatever is possible to make it right - or at minimum have learned from the experience and are trying to change, if it is not something that can be made right. If you do not see any of that from your friend, then letting him go may be the right decision.

 

As others have said, it's about trust. Really great friendships (any kind of close relationships, really), are all ultimately about trust. If you think the trust can be restored, it may be worth saving. If you don't, then it probably isn't, because a friend you cannot trust, is not a friend at all.

 

You might try just giving your friend some space. Don't slam the door, but make clear that he has disappointed you, and that he would need to show you that he has changed, or that what he did really isn't who he is. If he is willing to keep trying, and fight for the friendship, it may be worth saving. If he just fades away (as sometimes happens), then he probably wasn't the friend you thought he was to begin with.

 

Excellent observation, WithOrWithoutYou - that realization that the list of 'pros and cons' of having him in my life, fell to the 'cons' side, was a hard thing to swallow. I don't use the term 'friend' lightly either. And indeed yes, he was my go-to friend for everything, all my secrets, trust, news etc etc.

 

That's definitely the way I felt, that I didn't know him as well as I thought. One of the things he was most concerned with, was the fact that I didn't think he was a 'good guy' anymore. I know there are still good things about him - it's not black and white – but yes, unfortunately he ended up becoming toxic.

 

Yes, without trust, I can never be myself around him if we ever did patch things up. To make things more complicated, a month ago - 5 months after our split - he wrote a 'thank you' tribute to me in his weekly business e-newsletter which went out to 2,000 people including friends and clients of mine {I have been working for him for many years}. Unfortunately, he thought it prudent to write vague, personal details of what happened between us and the reasons he thought were behind it, which were totally inaccurate. I was very angry when I found out about it, and emailed him to say that his actions were inappropriate and that he embarrassed me. That was an easy barometer for me to read - he still hasn't got a clue. He wrote in the newsletter that he thought our situation couldn't be fixed. I took that opportunity to say "You never even tried to fix it, and if you do want to fix this, it's up to you."

 

Thanks for your reply!!

Edited August 10, 2010 by artsy
spelling

[amerikajin]

Excellent observation, WithOrWithoutYou - that realization that the list of 'pros and cons' of having him in my life, fell to the 'cons' side, was a hard thing to swallow. I don't use the term 'friend' lightly either. And indeed yes, he was my go-to friend for everything, all my secrets, trust, news etc etc.

 

That's definitely the way I felt, that I didn't know him as well as I thought. One of the things he was most concerned with, was the fact that I didn't think he was a 'good guy' anymore. I know there are still good things about him - it's not black and white – but yes, unfortunately he ended up becoming toxic.

 

Yes, without trust, I can never be myself around him if we ever did patch things up. To make things more complicated, a month ago - 5 months after our split - he wrote a 'thank you' tribute to me in his weekly business e-newsletter which went out to 2,000 people including friends and clients of mine {I have been working for him for many years}. Unfortunately, he thought it prudent to write vague, personal details of what happened between us and the reasons he thought were behind it, which were totally inaccurate. I was very angry when I found out about it, and emailed him to say that his actions were inappropriate and that he embarrassed me. That was an easy barometer for me to read - he still hasn't got a clue. He wrote in the newsletter that he thought our situation couldn't be fixed. I took that opportunity to say "You never even tried to fix it, and if you do want to fix this, it's up to you."

 

Thanks for your reply!!

 

I was sort of sitting on the fence and not really willing to comment on this thread -- until I read this.

 

I don't even need to know the specifics of what he did to know that writing a public letter in which he makes subtle references to personal drama officially puts him in the hall of fame of douche bags. You cannot be friends with this guy -- period. He is living in a world of make believe; a world in which he refuses to take any responsibility for anything he does. Even when he apologizes, he is lying. He is truth averse; his instinct is to lie. He lies because he thinks he is protecting himself, and he thinks that others don't need to know the truth. He think he can make up his own reality. People like this should be avoided and forced into isolation in hopes that they will reflect on their behavior. You made the right choice.

[artsy]

I was sort of sitting on the fence and not really willing to comment on this thread -- until I read this.

 

I don't even need to know the specifics of what he did to know that writing a public letter in which he makes subtle references to personal drama officially puts him in the hall of fame of douche bags. You cannot be friends with this guy -- period. He is living in a world of make believe; a world in which he refuses to take any responsibility for anything he does. Even when he apologizes, he is lying. He is truth averse; his instinct is to lie. He lies because he thinks he is protecting himself, and he thinks that others don't need to know the truth. He think he can make up his own reality. People like this should be avoided and forced into isolation in hopes that they will reflect on their behavior. You made the right choice.

 

You rock, amerikajin!

 

You made me refocus on his behaviour and not on my own conflicted feelings and auto-guilt.

 

I suppose I have been living in his make believe world for too long, a victim of a truly great master manipulator who plays the 'poor me' game so well, he's got me spinning my wheels.

 

Yes, I fantasize that somehow he'll end up losing it all and have to spend years in exile....

 

And I totally agree with the fact that his arrogance and self protective instincts are the cause of his behaviour, which is why I don't believe he'll ever be able to change. I'm so glad my instincts really stepped up and protected me from further harm and lies.

 

Thanks again!!

[artsy]

You should try to give him a second (and last) chance because everybody deserves this. He made a mistake, even if the mistake was big (he lied; he made false promises; hurt you; etc.) he still deserves a last chance. He was your friend for years and as you said you were one of his few friends.

 

He probably loves you, even if he made mistake, but he wanted to appear in the best light because he doesn't wanted to loose you.

 

Anyways, I have a feeling... I can't describe why but I feel that you must give him a second chance.

 

Thanks for your reply, Gyongyos!

 

I would like to have this resolved on the positive, and he has expressed the same. Yes he does love me and vice versa, I put the matter into his hands - so unless I hear something from him that shows me I have a reason to trust him again then it's off indefinitely.