Dating advice? Can't read him....

[Jen]

I've been dating a new guy for only a couple weeks and I like him, but I can't figure him out. He seemed pretty outgoing when he first asked me out. We've been going out casually and doing fun things, and I think there is chemistry. He was previously engaged but she got cold feet and backed out. That was a year and a half ago. He hasn't dated much since then. The problem is he's really kinda quiet. And I can't tell if he's just actually shy, scared, or just plain not interested in wanting to get to know me. On our first date he admitted he was nervous and he keeps alot to himself. I thought that was just "cute shy." I'm a really outgoing person so I ask alot of questions in conversations so I can get to know a person. He talks, but he doesn't ask me many questions to try to get to know me and that really bugs me. I think he's more an action person and not a talker. We spent most of a week-end together recently and had a great time, but now he seems to have pulled back and hasn't made any definite plans for a future date (his next 3 week-ends are booked up with stuff planned before he met me). It's just confusing me. Should I just come out and ask him what he wants in a tactful way? If so, what's the best way to say it? Or should I just hang in wait and see.

[Tony T]

I think it's way way too soon to be getting into questions like "What he wants" etc. You've only been dating him a couple of weeks.

 

I wouldn't put my life on hold for this guy. He doesn't seem to have the pizzazzz you are looking for in a date or a mate. You just don't start dating a guy and then try to transform him into what you want. If you need an outgoing, communicative guy and this one isn't, then you need to open yourself up to new horizons. Your friends are your best resource for meeting new people.

 

You will be free for three weeks and you certainly have no obligations to this guy. Go out, have a good time, and find some fun guys to look over.'

 

He may have some problems getting close to someone at this time...but that's not your problem. Again, why must you even begin to put energy into carving this guy into what you want when you just won't be successful.

 

As far as the next three weekends being busy, maybe it's legit but to me it sounds a bit fishy. Oh, well.

 

If you don't find somebody else in the next month while he is busy with other things, go out with him a time or two more. Of course, let him know you'd like him to talk more. But if he isn't sincere enough to want to get to know you better through conversation, etc....I think you know him well enough now that perhaps he isn't someone you want to continue dating.

[Jen]

Tony, you're right, you're right, you're right! I kinda already know this, but because I like him, I was hoping the answer is that he's probably reluctant to get close yet and that I should give him time, and I would. But I'm not so sure that's really it. Why do guys make it such a mystery. I don't want to be wondering for 3 weeks. I just want him to say "Had some nice times, thanks... but I'm really not interested." Why can't guys get the balls to do this? They just keep dangling the "carrots" like "Call you when I get back". I DO plan to go out with friends and keep busy during the next 3 week-ends. I just have no patience for mystery men and want to know, so I will probably just ask him what's up with the lack of conversation anyway tomorrow when I see him. I'll post what happens. And you're right, I can't change him and it's not even my problem. Thanks for the straight up advice.

I think it's way way too soon to be getting into questions like "What he wants" etc. You've only been dating him a couple of weeks.

 

I wouldn't put my life on hold for this guy. He doesn't seem to have the pizzazzz you are looking for in a date or a mate. You just don't start dating a guy and then try to transform him into what you want. If you need an outgoing, communicative guy and this one isn't, then you need to open yourself up to new horizons. Your friends are your best resource for meeting new people. You will be free for three weeks and you certainly have no obligations to this guy. Go out, have a good time, and find some fun guys to look over.' He may have some problems getting close to someone at this time...but that's not your problem. Again, why must you even begin to put energy into carving this guy into what you want when you just won't be successful. As far as the next three weekends being busy, maybe it's legit but to me it sounds a bit fishy. Oh, well. If you don't find somebody else in the next month while he is busy with other things, go out with him a time or two more. Of course, let him know you'd like him to talk more. But if he isn't sincere enough to want to get to know you better through conversation, etc....I think you know him well enough now that perhaps he isn't someone you want to continue dating.